23. Rune
Chapter 23
Rune
“I 'm so sorry, Rune,” Finn apologizes for what must be the hundredth time as he drives me back to Aunt Mairi's house.
“It's fine,” I reply tiredly. Ella sent a text with a pointed suggestion to hurry if I wanted to make it before Auntie and Courtney return. I'm not scared of them finding out, per se, but I'd rather tell them on my own terms.
“I didn't know they were coming,” he continues, looking as frazzled as I feel. If it wasn't so scarring, I would probably laugh. The whole thing unrolled like a bad comedy. “I shouldn't have forced you to stay downstairs to meet them. I was just—I just didn't want you to feel like you had to hide. I fucked up.”
“You weren't the one who left a freaking bikini lying around someone else's house,” I retort. I couldn't have been more obvious if I'd left a sign with red letters: I got naked and had sex with your son. I think of Finn's dad and the face he made when he put two and two together. I let out a strangled moan. “Now both of your parents have pictured me naked. I can only imagine what went through their heads.”
“There's no way they thought about you naked,” he lies, trying to soothe me.
“They know we did it.”
“Yeah.” There's no denying that part.
I let out a half-laugh, half-sob.
“I'll make this up to you,” he vows. There's a pleading look in his eyes, like he's begging me to give him another chance.
I could tell him not to worry about it, that it's all fine. But honestly, if he can think of something that will make me feel less awful, I don't mind. I'm not ashamed to have people know we were together. There's just something about the manner in which it happened which might have scarred me for life. I’ll never be able to look either of his parents in the face again. Not unless I’m really drunk.
Finn turns into Aunt Mairi’s driveway. There’s no sign of her car yet.
“So…will I see you at the fundraiser tonight?” I'm leaving in the morning, but neither of us has addressed that. Nor do I feel up to that conversation at this particular moment.
“Yes. I’ll find you there.”
“Awesome. Cool.” I unbuckle my seatbelt.
He reaches over to grasp my hand. “You ok?”
“Yeah, I’m just going to go inside and die of residual embarrassment.” I bury my face in my hands. The whole thing keeps playing on repeat in my mind. “Fucking bikini bottoms.”
Finn pries my hands away from my face with a sort of panicked gentleness. He kisses each palm before drawing me in. Some of the tightness in my chest lightens when our lips meet. He feels and smells like home, which is even more unsettling than anything else.
When he drives away, he takes all of my good feelings with him. I’m left with an overwhelming sense of nervousness, like I’m back on the very edge of a downward spiral and don’t know how to make it stop.
* * *
Ella only barely contains herself as I walk inside and toss my bag into the guest room where I’ve been staying. My clothes are scattered around; I should spend the afternoon packing. I won’t have time in the morning, not if I want to get on the road at a reasonable hour. And with a nine hour drive ahead of me…I definitely want to start my journey fairly early. I find my pajamas and tuck them into my suitcase. Four sweaters quickly follow.
Fuck, I should have just talked about my upcoming departure with Finn. I don’t like this feeling of not knowing where he stands. But I doubt either of us was capable of thinking straight this morning. First from the sex, and then—the surprise visit.
“Well?” Ella asks finally from the doorway, breaking into my depressing thoughts.
“Well, what?”
“Was it not good? You look like you're having serious regrets.”
“I'm not. It was great. I had a good time.”
“Just a good time? Not mind blowing ?” Her fingers flutter dramatically.
“It was fine. Very enjoyable.” I locate my last sweater and set it aside to wear tomorrow on the drive.
Her brow puckers. “Why are you being weird? I thought you’d be a little more excited. You’ve been pining over him since you got here. Either it was really awful or you're stuck up in your mind again.”
Or both . I’m saved from a reply by Aunt Mairi and Courtney coming into the house.
“Oh look, my favorite sister is still here,” Courtney says, giving me a big smile.
“Ha ha,” Ella snorts.
“We passed Finn on the way in,” Aunt Mairi says. Is it my imagination or did she give me a look? So much for secrecy on any front. We might as well put a public notice in the local newspaper.
Ella looks at me expectantly, her face scrunching up when I shake my head.
We sit in the living room, eating popcorn while Aunt Mairi and Courtney recap the highlights of their trip, from shopping finds to the dumb drama at the Christmas party.
“And how was skiing with Finn?” Courtney asks. “I hear he asked you out.”
“It was nice. I saw a moose.” I manage to speak normally, but my palms are sweating.
“Those things are so awesome. I’ve only ever seen one once, and it was just a blur. How close was it, do you think?” Aunt Mairi looks between me and Ella.
“Oh I wasn’t there,” Ella holds up her hands. “It was just Rune and Finn. Like the little lovebirds they are.”
“Lovebirds, huh?” Courtney looks amused, which is just a little bit annoying.
“Ella wasn’t with us because she decided she wanted to hang out in the chalet and wait for Sam,” I say, giving Ella a warning look.
She stares straight back at me.
“Did anything happen that I should know about, or is this something that needs to stay between you two?” Auntie asks warily. A question that she’s probably asked a million times since we were kids.
Ella’s eyes narrow, as if daring me to say something. And maybe I’m just sick of secrets, maybe I need to process it more, but the words start tumbling out. Once they do, I can’t stop them. “It was fine. Skiing was fun. We went to hot tub at Finn’s and I ended up staying the night, but his parents showed up unannounced this morning. They know we weren’t fully clothed at some point and it was the worst experience of my life.”
Three stunned faces stare back at me.
“I was not expecting that,” Ella admits.
“Just to clarify, was it the worst experience because his parents showed up, or because he’s really…you know, bad at it?” Courtney asks.
I choke out a horrified laugh. “The part about his parents.”
“You don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to,” Aunt Mairi says quickly. She looks like she’s torn between intrigue and the knowledge that she is the only real adult in this room and isn’t sure whether she should be a part of this conversation. “Why don’t I make some tea and snacks.”
While Auntie prepares food in the kitchen, Ella drags me into the living room with Courtney.
“Okay, before Mom comes back in, I have to know the details,” she whispers. “He’s got to be an amazing kisser, is he?”
“Yeah,” I hear myself saying. “He’s not bad.”
“Did he get handsy? Was there tongue? Was he—you know, big ?”
“Ella, we do not need to know this.” Courtney looks revolted.
“So what else did you do besides each other and flaunt your shenanigans in front of his parents? Let me guess: you had him write a special little message in your fancy book. With little hearts over each i ?”
It takes a moment for me to figure out what she means, and when I do, it still doesn’t make sense. “I don’t get it.”
“You know, like, Rune, love of my life, this story was written for you .”
Courtney’s monitoring my confused expression and she suddenly sits a little straighter, amused expression wiped away. “Ella, just stop.”
“I’m just joking. It’s not like I’m saying he had to write the L word, but a personalized message is a little more special than?—”
“Shut the actual fuck up.”
Ella’s mouth falls slack. Then she glances at me and a disconcerting understanding dawns across her face. “Do you seriously not know?”
“Know what?”
“It’s not really a secret, but,” Ella’s eyes dart towards Courtney.
“Fucking Finn,” Courtney says under her breath. “Did you know that Finn’s a writer, Rune? That’s how he makes his money.”
“I didn’t,” I say, unsure why they continue to look at me like that. Maybe that’s what he was referring to when he got all serious about my art this morning. Maybe he has author connections. “That’s pretty cool.”
Courtney continues, “He’s the author of that one series you’re obsessed with.”
I look from Courtney to Ella, now thoroughly disoriented as the words sink in. Of all the ways I expected this conversation to go…well, this wasn’t it. “Are you sure? I thought R.E. Andersson was a woman.”
Ella bursts out laughing. “What the fuck, Rune? There’s pictures of him on his website. Don’t tell me you haven’t seen them.”
“I haven’t,” I admit, feeling suddenly nervous.
“That’s on you, then. Ignorance is not bliss.” Her fingers fly, tapping on her phone. A minute later, she turns it towards me. “It doesn’t look exactly like him, but you can tell it is.”
I stare at the black-and-white photo of R.E. Andersson that Ella just pulled up. It is most definitely Finn. And I would have known, had I not been a complete idiot.
“So embarrassing,” Ella cackles, clearly enjoying this. “Also, why did you think the author was a girl? How do you even come up with something like that?”
I briefly explain my theory. The one I shared with Finn at his parents’ party. I thought it made so much sense, but seeing the way my cousins are staring at me…well, I’m starting to have some doubts.
“That is so sexist,” Courtney says. “Your theory sucks.”
“I pictured the author being some sort of girl book bestie, okay?” I defend myself, despite knowing that what she says is true. “Instead of a super hot guy that I want to bang.”
“That you did bang,” Ella points out.
“Well, at least he doesn't know,” Courtney says soothingly.
I give her a tortured look. “Oh he knows. I told him on Thursday.” I remember the look on Finn’s face when I told him my theory about the author’s gender. The way he looked at me with that quizzical expression.
Courtney gives a sharp, incredulous laugh. “That's…God, Rune, I can't help you here.”
“Why didn’t he say anything?” I lament. “Is it a secret?”
“Because he's a dumb idiot, like all men.” Courtney shrugs. “And yes, I’m well aware of how sexist that is.”
“Maybe he didn’t want to embarrass you by pointing out how stupid you are.” Ella gives me a shitty grin.
“This sounds like a conversation that might be best finished between Rune and Finn,” Auntie says, gliding into the room with a plate full of snacks: cold cuts, cheese, pickles, and pita chips.
It looks amazing, but I’m not hungry. I feel stupid on so many levels. Surprisingly, the fact that I didn’t recognize him is the least of my concerns. That he didn’t say anything, though, is perplexing—was it because he felt bad for correcting me? Was he concerned about how I’d react? Afraid that I’d go out and advertise the fact that I slept with fucking R.E. Andersson?
I wouldn’t have.
“I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you,” Aunt Mairi breaks into my thoughts.
“I won’t—I’m not. I’m just disoriented.”
“Are you planning on confronting him? I hope you do,” Courtney says, sounding a little vicious.
Am I? I’m not even sure I’m brave enough to show my face after this.
“Honestly, it’s fine,” I say. “I’ll just ask for his autograph next time I see him.” The humor falls flat, but my aunt and cousins pretend as if they believe my lie, kindly steering the conversation towards much safer topics, like the menu for Christmas dinner and whether they should bother with hanging twinkle lights on the woodshed this year.
All the while, I’m wallowing in a mix of misery, confusion, and embarrassment. I made a fucking assumption of the author’s gender based on nothing but my own very limited analysis, and it was dead wrong. Was that offensive? I hadn’t meant for it to be. Surely Finn wouldn’t have withheld information about his writing because of that…would he?
And if so, why did he sleep with me? I’m such a freaking idiot. It wouldn’t be the first time that I had sex based on superficial attraction, but I thought it was different between us. I was hoping we’d have connected on a deeper level. Instead, I probably just insulted him and—oh, shit.
The first fucking thing I did this morning after being intimate with him was to shove my illustrations in his face. Why did I even show them to him? I don’t show them to anyone. What is wrong with me?
The thing with his parents this morning was awful. But this—this just might be worse.
I’m going to have to say something when I see him tonight. I owe it to both of us. Even though—even though it feels off. Wrong, somehow. I trust Finn, I swear I do. But maybe all of the circumstances surrounding our little winter romance skewed our perception of reality.
It’s felt like a dream these past few days, but maybe I’m the one who’s been out of touch with reality. It’s probably time that I wake up and move on with my life.