Chapter 4
Jake circled the lounge, unable to put his mind to anything. He picked up a book and put it down. Picked up the TV controls and put them down. Picked up the telephone – bad idea – and put it down. It had to wait – he’d made a promise.
Jake picked up a glass and poured himself a drink. He took two gulps and poured another. Glass in hand, he wandered over to the sliding glass doors, opened one and stepped out onto the terrace, closing the door behind him. He breathed in the bracing December air high above the city. He resisted the impulse to check on Eleanor. Their balcony wrapped around two complete sides of the building, so he could have just walked along, turned the corner and looked in on their bedroom. But he chose not to.
Jake crossed the paved patio area and put his empty glass on the flat surface of the balcony handrail. He leaned forward to look down at the street far below, the darkness illuminated by the streetlights and the slow-moving traffic snaking along the road. Up there, he could tell the whole world they were going to have a baby; literally shout it from the rooftops without anybody hearing a single word. He had the sudden impulse to do just that.
‘We’re having a baby!’ he yelled at the top of his voice to the people in the cars down below.
‘Congratulations, Jake,’ a familiar voice answered back.
Jake stepped back from the balcony, certain that he must have imagined it. There was only one other apartment on his floor, and that was allocated to Marcus, who used it when he was back in London, but just then he was several thousand miles away in America.
‘It’s about time, don’t you think?’
The voice sounded as though it was coming from the apartment on the floor directly below rather than the other apartment on his floor. Jake looked over the balcony to see Aubrey, an older gentleman who had worked for the Rosses for years, and whom Jake had known all his life, looking back at him. Aubrey was also a dear old family friend. ‘What are you doing down there?’ said Jake, surprised to see him in the apartment below. Aubrey didn’t live there; it was reserved for use by other employees of the Ross Corporation.
‘I could ask what you’re doing up there,’ Aubrey answered back.
Jake looked at his watch. It was six pm; practically early afternoon as far as his office hours went. He would usually expect to put in at least another three or four hours before calling it a day, but this was one of those rare occasions on which Jake had left the office dead on five to spend time with Eleanor after her appointment – or, as was usually the case – disappointment.
He’d been surprised that day to find her back so soon, and stripping off, leaving a trail of clothes in her wake, leading straight to their bedroom. He rolled his eyes at how stupid he’d been to assume she was having some fun with him. Of course she wasn’t – she’d just returned from one of those dreaded appointments. So, why hadn’t she been excited, bursting to tell him the news as soon as he arrived?
Now he thought about it, it didn’t really make sense. Unless she didn’t want the baby. Jake’s eyebrows shot up at such a ridiculous thought. Of course they both wanted a family – why wouldn’t they?
Jake dismissed the thought as he picked up his glass. He smiled. He had not expected to see Aubrey in London. ‘What are you doing down there?’ Jake repeated.
‘Mr Beale is leaving the company.’
‘I see,’ said Jake, thinking that it was a tough call to lose your job and your home. Unless he was leaving voluntarily, it must have been something serious to warrant getting the sack so close to Christmas. William might be a shrewd businessman who didn’t suffer fools gladly, but he was a kind man, generous in nature, and would not have done this – not now, without exceptionally good reason.
Jake didn’t know this Mr Beale personally; had never even met the man. That wasn’t surprising, working for a large corporation. And Jake also travelled regularly between London and America; he wasn’t based permanently in London, so he wasn’t up to speed with the current employees. What he did know was that Mr Beale must have held quite a position within the company to get the apartment directly below theirs.
Apartments were allocated on merit; a promotion – or a rare demotion – would not only mean a job move within the company, but also a move up or down a floor in the apartment stakes. The higher you went, the greater square footage you acquired. The same principle applied to other apartment buildings around the world. Of course, employees could elect to live in their own accommodation, but who wouldn’t choose a fully paid-up apartment in the heart of the city with a concierge, a gym, a pool and a five-minute stroll to work?
Getting an apartment in the city with your job was a great perk, but it wasn’t so great when you lost your job and everything went with it. Understandably, disgruntled ex-employees were not eager to leave. Some could be a little resistant. It fell within Aubrey’s remit to see to it that ex-employees like Mr Beale vacated their apartments promptly.
‘Hey,’ Jake called down, ‘are you busy, or do you want to come up for a drink?’ He’d told Aubrey their news quite unintentionally. The damage was done, so he might as well have him up and tell him all about it. Jake couldn’t wait to tell somebody . As it turned out, Aubrey was just the person. He trusted Aubrey implicitly. He was practically family.
‘Sure – why not?’ Aubrey shouted back before disappearing from view.
Jake took his empty glass and went back inside. He tiptoed up to the bedroom door and listened. He slowly opened the door just a crack and looked at the curves of the silk sheet and the mass of dark hair on the pillow. She was quite still. Jake closed the door gently and turned the handle so it didn’t click shut and wake her.
‘What are you doing?’
‘Jesus!’ Jake jumped at the sound of Aubrey’s voice right behind him. He’d forgotten that Aubrey had the codes to gain entry to all the apartments. Jake put a finger to his lips in a shushing gesture and beckoned Aubrey to move away from the door.
Aubrey followed.
‘How do you do that?’ Jake whispered. Aubrey had been making Jake jump out of his skin like that since Jake was a little kid. He had told Jake that it was his SAS training in Britain that had given him such stealth. But he had told Marcus a different story; he had lived on an Indian reservation for a time and had learnt the tracking skills of an ancient Indian chief. Needless to say, Jake and Marcus swapped stories and were not sure what to believe. What they were sure of was that Aubrey was mysterious, great fun, and William’s best friend.
‘I was just checking on Ellie. She’s had a bit of an emotional day.’ Jake raised his glass. ‘Now, how about that drink?’
‘Tea,’ said Aubrey.
‘Tea it is.’ Jake smiled and walked into the kitchen. Aubrey didn’t drink. Jake remembered asking him once why he never touched alcohol. Because to be intoxicated is to be at the mercy of others, and you don’t want that, I can assure you , Aubrey had answered. Jake could see his point. He put the kettle on and poured himself his third double scotch.
They sat down on the large L-shaped cream sofa that dominated the centre of the room. Jake talked. ‘So, I came home early,’ Jake took a swig of scotch, ‘expecting the same, you know, result; nada, because it’s not like she’s exactly whooping it up, jumping for joy or anything. And you know what?’ Jake stared into his glass.
Aubrey shook his head. ‘What is it, Jake?’
Jake gently moved his wrist in circular movements, watching the dark liquid swirl around the glass. ‘I’m not sure if she wants this baby.’ He couldn’t remember exactly what she had said; maybe it wasn’t even something she’d said – it was just a feeling Jake had that he couldn’t put his finger on. He looked up, watching for Aubrey’s reaction, but as usual he gave nothing away; his old, craggy face was expressionless.
Aubrey got up and walked over to Jake. He took Jake’s glass out of his hand. ‘That’s the alcohol talking, not Jake.’
Jake watched him walk into the kitchen with his half-empty glass and guessed he was going to pour it down the sink.
He was right.
Aubrey returned with two mugs. He walked over to Jake. ‘Let’s talk.’ He held out a steaming mug of tea.
Jake’s lip curled in a semi-smile as he took it. ‘I’m a bit old for this,’ said Jake.
Aubrey sat in the corner seat of the sofa, kicked off his shoes and put his feet up. ‘What – tea?’
‘No, not tea. I’m talking about this.’ Jake was referring to their man-to-man talks.
When Jake was young and William was busy with work, which he often was, Jake had always been able to call on Aubrey for advice and guidance. Aubrey stepped into the void when William wasn’t around, just as William had stepped into the permanent void left by Jake’s father. But, busy with work himself now, Jake had little time to call on Aubrey, even when there were times he felt like he needed to have a chat with him . ‘I do miss them on occasion,’ Jake admitted. ‘But I’m …’
‘Mr Campbell-Ross now,’ Aubrey interjected, puffing out his chest and acting all self-important. ‘Big cheese, married to the bosses daughter. And next in line for the head of the corporation.’
‘No, I think that’ll be Marcus,’ Jake said seriously.
‘And why do you think that?’ Aubrey sipped his tea.
‘Well, it’s obvious.’
‘How so?’
Jake sighed. ‘Marcus is, you know, the son.’
‘And what are you?’ Aubrey said wryly.
‘That’s different.’
‘Is it really?’ Aubrey sat up and planted his feet on the floor. ‘I’ll tell you something. You’re just as much a son to William as Marcus is – perhaps more so.’
Jake held up his hand. ‘I don’t want to hear this.’
‘Why not?’ said Aubrey, setting his empty mug on the coffee table.
Jake didn’t answer. He knew Aubrey wanted to see him make it to the top. Aubrey had no children and had never married. Jake was also aware that out of the three of them – Eleanor, Marcus and himself – he had always been Aubrey’s favourite. He had always sensed it.
‘You know, you two are like chalk and cheese,’ said Aubrey. ‘You and Marcus remind me of myself and William – always at each other’s throats. Yet the best of friends. I see it.’ He pointed at Jake.
‘So you know why I don’t want to hear it, why I’m not going to the top of this company? It’s not my place. It’s Marcus’s place. I could never take that away from him.’
‘What about meritocracy? God knows, you must put in twice the hours he does.’
‘So what?’ Jake shrugged. ‘When Marcus puts his mind to it, he comes up with the goods. He’s a natural. Me? I have to work my socks off to achieve the same results.’
‘All the more reason why you should be up there when he retires.’ Aubrey glanced up, indicating William’s massive apartment on the very top floor.
Jake shook his head and finished his tea in silence. He had noticed recently that every time he ran into Aubrey, the conversation always veered on to the subject of William’s successor. Although William was now in his sixties and approaching official retirement age, he was still going strong and had no plans to retire in the near future; not as far as Jake was aware. And it wasn’t as if he had a boss who could tell him when to call it a day. Jake couldn’t envisage William ever letting go of the reins completely. But if and when that day came, Jake really didn’t have any aspirations to move upstairs. Besides, he wanted some time to spend with his children.
Jake set his empty mug down on the coffee table and leaned back into the plump feather cushions. He stared at the ceiling, his thoughts turning to that massive apartment directly above, which took up the entire floor. Jake rubbed his face with two hands and thought about how most of the time he found his work as a lawyer, overseeing the acquisition of land for the Ross Corporation to build its shopping malls and skyscrapers, such hard work and so deadly dull.
‘You know what, Aubrey?’ Jake rolled his head on the sofa to look at Aubrey. ‘Sometimes I think I’m in the wrong life altogether.’
‘You think you would have been better off if William had never known your parents?’ Aubrey said incredulously. ‘What do you think would have happened to you, an orphan, no family? Boy, you were heading into the care system fast. You could have waited years for a suitable family to come along to foster or adopt you; they want cute babies, not troubled little boys.’
Jake stared at Aubrey, wishing he hadn’t spoken his mind. He knew he was sounding ungrateful, and Aubrey was the last person he should say a bad word to against William. Besides, Aubrey was right: Jake knew that he owed a lot to the Rosses – his upbringing, his education, his work; in fact, his life as it had turned out was completely moulded by his involvement with the family.
Of course, he had the utmost love and gratitude towards William. But after all the huge advantages he’d been given in life, there was always something niggling away at the back of his mind, forcing him to consider just what his life might have been if William had never come along. He just had no idea why that was.
Aubrey stretched, resting his right arm along the back of the sofa. ‘You shouldn’t work so hard, Jake. I think the things you’re saying about work, about Eleanor …’ He paused. ‘You push yourself too hard.’
Eleanor and the baby had gone completely out of Jake’s mind.
Aubrey lowered his voice. ‘Maybe as far as the baby is concerned, it’s not Eleanor you’re worried about.’
Jake sat up and turned towards Aubrey. ‘What are you saying?’
‘Now don’t take this the wrong way, Jake …’
Jake pursed his lips, guessing that Aubrey was about to say something that he didn’t want to hear.
Aubrey continued, ‘Have you considered that perhaps ...’ He glanced furtively towards the bedroom door and moved along the sofa towards Jake. ‘Perhaps …’
‘Are you saying I don’t want this baby?’ Jake raised his voice, forgetting that Eleanor was just in the next room.
Aubrey waved his hand for Jake to be quiet.
Jake slapped his hand over his mouth.
‘Not exactly. I’m just wondering if you’ve thought about your reasons for wanting a child.’
Jake furrowed his brow. ‘Couples get married. Couples have kids, and I want a family of my own.’
‘I know that, Jake. But is this for you, or is it for William? You don’t owe him anything more than your love and respect.’ Aubrey glanced towards the bedroom door. ‘And your honesty.’ He looked back at Jake.
Jake stood up, enraged at what he thought Aubrey was implying. ‘If you think for one second I married her because, because …’
‘What’s going on?’
Jake turned around, shocked into silence by the sound of Eleanor’s voice behind him. She was standing in the bedroom doorway in her crumpled dungarees, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. ‘I thought I heard voices.’ She looked from Aubrey to Jake. ‘You woke me up.’
Jake stared open-mouthed at Eleanor, wondering how long she had been standing there and how much she had heard.
She smiled at Aubrey. ‘It’s nice to see you. What brings you to the apartment building?’ Her smile faded and her head darted to Jake.
He immediately guessed what she was thinking – that he’d phoned Aubrey, told him the news, and invited him over.
She’d see right through him if he lied and said he hadn’t told Aubrey the news, even though doing so hadn’t been intentional. But if he told her the truth, he’d have to tell her what Aubrey had been doing in the apartment below. He didn’t want to bother her with that news because she’d be upset to hear an employee was being evicted so close to Christmas. The corporation prided itself on its employees feeling like family. Eleanor would realise, as Jake had, that something serious must have happened to warrant it. He didn’t want to bother her with that sort of news either.
Aubrey slowly got to his feet and placed a hand on Jake’s shoulder, clearly noticing he was tongue-tied. ‘We were just having a heated debate concerning ...’ He paused and glanced around the room until his eyes alighted on the coffee table. ‘Tea!’
Jake turned his head and focused on Aubrey, giving him a look that said, couldn’t you have thought of something a bit more plausible, like football? Although in truth, Aubrey was known to be quite the tea connoisseur, and would, given half a chance, quite happily list the qualities he perceived to be found in Darjeeling compared to other teas.
‘You and your tea, Aubrey,’ Eleanor sighed. ‘Just keep it down, will you?’ She went back into the bedroom and shut the door behind her.
‘Do you think she heard what I said?’ Jake whispered, not wanting to risk any more verbal damage.
Aubrey studied him intently before answering. ‘Do you want to tell me what’s going on with you? Because lately I’ve noticed—’
‘There’s nothing going on,’ said Jake curtly, brushing Aubrey’s hand away from his shoulder. ‘I’m just tired – that’s all. I think I’ll feel better when it’s Christmas and I can get out of the city.’ Jake held Aubrey’s gaze.
‘Alright, Jake,’ Aubrey said flatly. ‘But you’ve got my number if you decide you want to talk about it.’ Aubrey walked out of the lounge.
Jake followed him outside the apartment. ‘Will you be joining us at The Lake House for Christmas?’ he asked while they waited for the lift.
‘Not this year.’
Jake sighed. It was the same answer every year. But it didn’t make sense; Aubrey practically lived with the Rosses, so why not spend Christmas with them? Maybe he doesn’t like Christmas , Eleanor had once speculated, or maybe he has some friends or relatives he likes to see over the vacation . But as far as Jake was aware, Aubrey had no family, and his friends revolved around his work for the Ross Corporation.
There had been that one year when Marcus had been too ill to travel – chicken pox, as Jake recalled – and they had spent Christmas at their London home. That was the only year Aubrey had joined them.
The lift doors opened. The porter waited.
Aubrey walked inside the lift and turned around to face Jake, putting his hand to his ear, as the lift doors slowly closed, to remind Jake to pick up the phone and call him.
Jake turned to go then whirled on his heel. ‘Wait!’
The porter frantically pressed the hold button.
‘Aubrey.’ Jake glanced at the porter. ‘About the news …’
‘My lips are sealed.’ Aubrey ran two fingers along his thin lips.
The porter looked at Aubrey, then back at Jake.
‘Can’t you make it for Christmas, Aubrey? We were going to give the family the news on Christmas Day.’
‘I’m not family, Jake.’
‘I know that.’ Jake laughed. ‘But neither am I.’
Aubrey frowned.
The porter stared at Jake.
‘Oh, come on. It would mean a lot to me. Besides, that’s rubbish – you’re as good as family, and you know it.’
The young porter looked at Aubrey.
‘You accompany us on every other holiday, Aubrey. Why not Christmas?’
‘I just can’t, Jake. I have my reasons.’
Jake wished he knew what they were. He was used to the familiar excuse. He knew better than to ask; all he’d be met with was a stony silence. He had thought it was because something had happened in Aubrey’s past at Christmas. It wouldn’t be unheard of for a person not to celebrate that time of year if there were bad associations. But he had celebrated when they were in London for Christmas years earlier. Unless it had something to do with Scotland, and for some reason Aubrey did not want to venture to that part of the world. He couldn’t imagine, after all these years of keeping his past close to his chest, that Aubrey would tell him his reasons now.
Jake glanced at the young porter, who was fidgeting in the corner of the lift. ‘I’d better let you go. I suppose you’ve still got things to do downstairs.’
‘Not at all. Surprisingly, this one went quietly.’
Jake nodded at the porter, who took his finger off the hold button.
The lift doors closed.
He stood for a moment, listening to the chime of the lift as it made the descent. Then he walked away from the lift and stopped outside his apartment door. He stood there for some considerable time, staring at the door, a series of insane what if scenarios running through his head like a locomotive: what if I got in the lift? What if I went down to the ground floor, got out of the lift, and walked outside? What if I kept walking?
What if I walked out of this life?
It wasn’t as though he didn’t love his wife. It wasn’t as though he didn’t want their child. For five years, he’d waited to hear this news; to hear that his little family would be complete. So why was he thinking of turning tail and bolting in the opposite direction?