Chapter 19 #2
‘Huh, my turn.’ Rowan looked down as if thinking before looking back up at her.
‘You want to know my fear? Okay, well, it was people. Or more to the point, speaking in front of people. Throughout school I made sure to position myself at the back of the class to reduce the chance of being chosen to read a chapter from the class book, or to answer any questions, and if the teacher did ask me, nine times out of ten I would act the class clown.’
‘You would?’ She frowned. She wasn’t quite sure she could imagine him being the class clown. He’d always come across as quite reserved, polite.
Rowan chuckled. ‘Hard to believe now, right? But yes, I would. I’d drop my pencil case on the floor, throw a rubber at my mate in the front of the class, anything just so I didn’t have to speak out.
And I know I was making a fool of myself by doing so, but to me anything was preferable than getting the answer wrong or stumbling over my words. ’
‘Aw, that’s quite sweet, really.’ Scarlett felt a warmth in her heart.
‘Haha, my teachers didn’t think so. Nor did the headteacher appreciate the number of times I showed up at his office.
’ Rowan shrugged. ‘You wouldn’t think it now, would you?
Now I voluntarily speak in front of groups of people to sell my products and before that I was teaching at a secondary school. ’
‘No, you wouldn’t.’ He was right. Now he had a quiet, unassuming confidence about him. A far cry from the child he was describing.
‘And here’s something I’ve never admitted to anyone.’ He rubbed the palm of his free hand over his face. ‘Sometimes, I still have to remind myself I’m not that frightened little boy any more. So, we all have fears.’
‘Thank you.’ Scarlett gripped his hand a little tighter, suddenly only aware of his touch, of the way he was looking at her.
Of the way it made her feel. Was she falling for him?
As she watched him lean in towards her, she closed her eyes, meeting him halfway.
She felt his lips touch hers and reached out, lacing her fingers in his other hand as a rush of what she could only describe of as comfort, excitement and happiness rolled into one consumed her.
Rowan had been a good friend to her since she’d arrived in Meadowfield and this felt more natural than anything else in the world.
Shaking her hands free, she brought them to the back of his neck, pulling him forward as she felt his hand against her cheek.
Suddenly freezing, she pulled away and opened her eyes. What were they doing? What was she doing? She didn’t need this. She’d come to Meadowfield to get away from Tyler, to heal herself, not to throw herself at the first man she saw, not to ruin a good friendship. ‘I’m sorry, I can’t.’
Frowning, Rowan shifted position and leaned back in the passenger seat, clicking his seatbelt in. ‘Sorry.’
As she pulled her own seatbelt over her before starting the engine, she shook her head. ‘No, don’t be sorry. It was lovely, it’s just… I just can’t get into a relationship with you.’
‘Okay.’ Rowan’s voice was quiet, full of hurt and confusion.
Gripping the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles turned white, Scarlett began driving.
She glanced across at Rowan, who was sitting, staring at his hands in his lap.
She hadn’t meant to hurt him. To confuse him.
And she wanted to reassure him. To tell him that, heck, why don’t they give the two of them a chance, but she couldn’t.
She just couldn’t. Yes, he seemed like a really nice guy, the nicest, and she felt so much for him, she could even allow herself to admit how good they could be together.
But she knew things weren’t always what they seemed.
Everyone had secrets, everyone lied. How could she ever trust anyone after Tyler?
They drove in silence, the atmosphere thick with unspoken questions and hidden answers between them until she pulled the van into the farm. After pulling the handbrake up, Scarlett sat there, still, as did Rowan until they both spoke at the same time. ‘I…’
‘I’m…’ Rowan paused and held his hand out towards her. ‘Sorry.’
‘No, you go first.’ Glancing across at him. She looked back towards the farmyard on the other side of the gate. The hens were pecking between the slabs, something they always seemed to do, and she wished there was something else to consume her, to distract her right now.
‘I was just going to say I’m sorry for…’ He waved his hand between them. ‘Kissing you. I misread the signals.’
Knitting her eyebrows together, she swivelled in her chair to face him. ‘No, you didn’t. Not at all. I kissed you too. We kissed each other. I just…’
Rowan rubbed the back of his neck.
Looking away, she gnawed at her lower lip before speaking quietly.
She had to tell him what she was feeling, or at least some of it; it was only fair.
The last thing she wanted was for him to think she hadn’t been as much into their actions as he had.
Because she had. She wanted nothing more than to feel his arms hug her tight, or his lips against hers, but she couldn’t put herself in that position again.
She couldn’t let herself get carried away and forget the pain Tyler had caused her.
Because if she did, then she was opening her heart back up to being broken again, and she just didn’t have it in her.
She’d lost everything last time, and she wasn’t sure there was anything left to lose this time around.
Not without leaving her empty. ‘I’ve not long got out of an awful relationship, and I can’t go back there. ’
‘Okay.’ He nodded.
Tucking a strand of loose hair behind her ear, she shook her head.
‘No, sorry, that didn’t come out the way I meant it to.
I don’t mean you’re awful or if we got together, the relationship would be awful.
Far from it. I just need to work on myself.
I need to build myself back up again before I even think about trusting anyone in that way again. ’
‘I understand.’ He gave her a small smile. ‘I hope we can still be friends?’
‘Yes, of course.’ Scarlett felt a wave of relief wash over her. ‘Please. I’d like that.’
‘Good. I’d like that too.’ Rowan held his arms wide.
Shifting towards the edge of the driver’s seat, she let herself be wrapped in his arms as she reached hers around his back. She hoped they really could continue to be friends. She really hoped. ‘Thank you.’