22. Harry Goes to Church
Chapter 22
Harry Goes to Church
‘ I haven’t been to church since I was a little girl and I had to go with the Brownies,’ Amy admitted as they piled into the car to head down to the village, ‘And Harry’s never been.’ She sat in the back of the car with the two boys.
‘The church in Elderthwaite is very pretty,’ Matt said as they caught the first glimpse of the little parish church at the other side of the village.
‘I have to say it is. Very quaint, tucked away beneath the fells there. My church at home isn’t like that – a grand, Victorian building – way too big for today’s congregation, of course.’ Diane looked over her shoulder to tell Amy.
There was a steady stream of people heading towards the church, some from the houses in the village itself, but most coming out of cars parked down the side of the lane, tyres chewing up the verges, doors scraping off the stone walls.
‘I’m going to drop you at the church and then find somewhere more sensible to park,’ Matt said, and they all scrambled out beside the gateway of the church, a simple iron arch leading into the tiny churchyard. Ancient yew trees lined the path, and gravestones on either side leant at awkward angles. The light that shone from the main door lit the slate-flagged pathway and welcomed them into the church. A trio of older ladies - possibly the same women who had been decorating as they passed the church on their way to Elder Fell Farm - were handing out service sheets. Diane marched them all to an empty pew near the front of the church – the back pews seemed more popular than the front, so most of the spaces were towards the altar.
The church was cool and damp and the pews were uncomfortably straight and hard with upright backs. White lines of damp ringed the feet where they met the slate floor and the whole of the little church smelled dank – it was easy to see it wasn’t used very often. Though there was heating the groaning and bubbling sound of the ancient radiators was more noticeable than the heat coming from them.
Diane knelt down to pray, silently. Oliver copied her, but Amy felt it would be hypocritical of her to do the same. Instead, she looked around the church which was very simple and homely. Tealight flames flickered from every windowsill, and tall, white candles glowed on the altar. At the back a moth-eaten old bell rope hung down, and a teenager with lots of eyeliner and a pair of Doc Martens rang the one bell in the turret. The bell clanged out up the valley, and Amy wondered if Mrs Thompson could hear it from her kitchen. The festive greenery hung in abundance. Wreaths and garlands shone against the grey slate walls, and there was a kissing bunch not unlike the one in their own cottage which hung in the tiny porch. An antiquated organ creaked out Silent Night , the notes echoing around the wooden rafters, as the final members of the congregation scurried into their places.
Matt arrived shortly before the service was due to start and slid into the seat Oliver had saved for him in the middle of the pew. It was tight for five of them, but the boys were only small. He sat, head down, eyes downcast, hands loosely folded in his lap, unspeaking. Was he praying? There was a rustle at the back of the church, and the congregation rose to their feet. He stood with everyone else and looked straight ahead at the simple altar with its brass candlesticks. Silence fell, and from the darkness outside a pure, high voice sang the first words of Once in Royal David’s City. Prickles ran down the back of Amy’s neck, and tears inexplicably stung her eyes. She sensed the ghosts of the centuries around her in the voice of the child who led the choir into the church. She wanted to squeeze Matt’s hand, to share the moment with him, but Harry sat in between them and Diane was watching their every move.
‘Why do they wear those long dresses?’ Harry whispered to her as the singing ended.
‘They’re not dresses, they’re robes,’ Amy whispered back. ‘Like Jedis.’
‘Oh yeah. Like Jedis,’ said Harry as if that explained it all. Amy hoped Diane had not overheard.
The vicar, a thin man who could have been any age between fifty and seventy, welcomed everyone to the service with a smile. The retelling of the Christmas story began with the arrival of Mary and Joseph, both aged about six, at the door of the church with a donkey. They left their mount at the door and processed to the front of the church as the congregation sang Little Donkey.
‘Look! Look, there’s a donkey! A real donkey!’ Harry wanted to make sure that they all turned around to see it, to Diane’s obvious displeasure. She remained seated facing stoically forward, even when the whole of the rest of the congregation strained their necks behind them to see .
‘Harry, you mustn’t shout like that. Not in church ,’ Oliver whispered self-importantly, his Granny Diane’s tones audible in his words, as he glanced up at her for approval. Harry looked crestfallen.
‘I’m not shouting. Just saying, that’s all,’ Harry said, loudly.
Next, Mary and Joseph produced the Baby Jesus from a box behind the lectern and the congregation joined in to sing Away in a Manger. Harry started to shuffle about – he wasn’t very good at sitting still and the pews were uncomfortable and cold. All of a sudden there was a clatter at the back of the church as the doors swung wide open and two lads, about the same age as Harry and Oliver, entered with two sheep on leads as if they were dogs. The boys were dressed more like Peter Thompson than shepherds of biblical times. They led the sheep right down the central aisle.
‘Sheep! Sheep! Sheep!’ Harry jumped to his feet even though the rest of the congregation remained seated. ‘Look! There are sheep in the church!’
There was a murmur of laughter behind the carol sheets, and the look of embarrassment on Diane’s face was almost comical.
‘This is ridiculous,’ she declared under her breath, and Amy wasn’t sure if she meant the sheep or Harry’s reaction to them.
Finally, Matt glanced up from the service sheet. ‘Perhaps we should all just enjoy the singing,’ he said.
Even Diane seemed to pick up on his unhappiness and fell silent. Harry spent the rest of the service sliding off the pew and onto the floor accidentally-on-purpose with all the adults too preoccupied to tell him off.
‘I love church. Can we come again?’ he declared cheerfully as the service ended and the bell started to ring again.
Amy wasn’t in a hurry to say yes.
They all trooped outside and shook hands with the vicar on the way out of the church. The light shone out from the stained-glass windows over the ancient churchyard, like a Christmas card scene in the evening light.
‘Can we go and see the sheep?’ Harry asked. They were being herded into a trailer outside the gate.
‘Yes, that’s fine,’ said Amy.
‘C’mon dad. You come with us.’ Oliver caught Matt’s hand and dragged him along with them. That left Amy on her own with Diane; a situation she had hoped to avoid this afternoon.
‘Perhaps the weather –’ She attempted to make polite conversation but Diane cut her short.
‘Amy. I need to speak with you, while the boys aren’t here. I have given the matter of your divorce much consideration since we spoke and I have prayed,’ she said as the two women walked slowly down the slate footpath towards the lane, almost the last to leave the church porch. From a distance they must have seemed like the best of friends walking side-by-side, but the gap between them was wider than it looked.
‘I realise that you don’t approve of my divorce because of your faith,’ Amy said.
‘I believe marriage should be a lifetime commitment, not just to one’s husband but to one’s family.’ She looked back over her shoulder towards the lights of the church, as a woman hurried past them on the narrow path.
‘But sometimes marriages go wrong. James and I had grown so far apart that there was nothing in common between us,’ Amy said. She had to raise her voice to be heard over the clanging of the bell which echoed around the valley and back off the fells.
‘Nothing in common except Harry,’ Diane said. ‘I would have endured anything for the sake of my children. Didn’t you think it was worth trying to save your marriage for Harry?’
Over by the trailer Harry was happily asking the farmer all kinds of questions about sheep, and the farmer was patiently answering them. She had sacrificed many things for him, but committing to a failing marriage wouldn’t have helped anyone.
‘Harry was suffering because of the rows between me and James. We were in a loveless marriage, and sometimes the best thing to do is to have the courage to admit you’ve made a mistake.’ The bell fell silent as she spoke and she modified her voice. ‘Then you can start again and move on.’
‘I was hurt that you lied to me about your marital situation. And don’t try and tell me that it wasn’t deliberate. I know you simply didn’t bother to correct my assumptions – but you could have done so, many times. When I asked you why James hadn’t come you let me believe that it was because of my presence, when all along … And yet, having spent time with you over the last few days, you don’t strike me as an innately deceitful woman. Which leads me to one conclusion.’ She looked around herself. They were alone, the last of the departing congregation, and Matt and the boys were still occupied with the sheep.
‘What is it?’ she asked.
‘You want something more than friendship from Matt. I tried to convince myself that it might be otherwise, but it’s all becoming clear. I can see how much it upsets him. He’s been very quiet, hasn’t he?’
The vicar went back inside the church and shut the door making the churchyard path darker. Diane didn’t wait for Amy to answer her question and she continued, ‘He’s a very nice man, a very kind man. Wouldn’t do anything to hurt anyone. That might lead to people getting the wrong idea. If you did, you wouldn’t be the first, and you won’t be the last. There was that dreadful Nessa woman last year, she tried to entangle him within months of Stella’s death. Matt isn’t ready for a new relationship, that much is clear to anyone who knows him well like I do.’ They walked through the churchyard gate and closed it behind them. They stopped on the road outside to wait for the boys and Matt. Diane continued confidentially, ‘It was only a week ago that Matt and I sat together looking through my old photos of Stella, and I saw the depth of his pain. He could barely bring himself to look at the photos with me. At times, he seemed so unhappy that he couldn’t even speak to me. He doesn’t act like a man who has recovered from his bereavement. That grief is still very raw.’
‘Don’t you think you should be talking to him about this?’ Amy said.
‘No. I don’t need to, I know how it is.’ Diane glanced towards Matt who stood in the pool of light from the headlights of the 4x4 which was pulling the donkey’s horsebox. At that precise moment Matt could not have looked less like a grief-stricken widower, as he was laughing at something Oliver or Harry had said to him. Diane’s face was in darkness, the lights from the church windows behind cast a shadow over her features and Amy struggled to read her expression.
‘Amy.’ She turned back towards her. ‘You seem like a pleasant young woman, and I don’t want you to get hurt if you continue to let your imagination run away with you.’ She spoke softly and reached out to pat Amy’s arm as if in sympathy. Amy froze at her touch. Diane hadn’t finished speaking. ‘It’s quite clear from everything I’ve seen over the last day that nothing’s changed. Matt’s still grieving. It’s possible he may have inadvertently given you the wrong impression and he may be regretting it. That’s why he’s been so quiet – it’s clear as day to me. You do understand that, don’t you?’ The pressure of the older woman’s hand on her arm became a desperate grip. Her thin fingers dug into Amy’s arm and left white marks on her wrist. ‘I said, you do understand that, don’t you?’ she repeated when Amy didn’t reply.
‘I’m sorry, but you’re wrong,’ she said. ‘Matt hasn’t given me the wrong impression about anything, and especially not about Stella.’ She said it confidently but even as she spoke the haze from her breath hung on the still night air and then it was gone into the darkness, and with it her confidence.
‘If you say so. But I can tell Matt isn’t happy. There’s clearly something playing on his mind, isn’t there? And if it isn’t grief, then he must be unhappy about something else in his life, mustn’t he? And neither of us wants him to be unhappy, now, do we?’ She gave Amy a sideways glance. ‘Do we?’ she repeated, and Amy shook her head. ‘Let’s get back to the car. It’s very cold out here, isn’t it?’
She had to admit that Diane had a point. Matt had been unusually subdued recently. She’d tried to convince herself it was because of Diane, but he hadn’t seemed himself for a couple of weeks now; not since the day of the school play.
What if Diane was right?
Was there something else making him unhappy? And did it have something to do with her?
She had to speak to him, she needed to catch him on his own, but they had no privacy in the car on the way back, and in the cottage Diane made sure she was always in attendance as if she was watching and waiting for something.
‘Why don’t we go up to your observatory to see Santa’s sleigh fly past?’ Amy suggested, knowing Diane wouldn’t want to go out but the boys probably would. In truth it wasn’t Santa, but the International Space Station. She had checked the timings before they left home in case the weather was fine enough to spot it. It was due to pass overhead at about half-past-seven and the sky was clear. The moon was bright above them and even though it still wasn’t full it gave enough light that they could see clearly, and they carried torches too.
‘I saw him last year,’ Harry boasted. Amy smiled. This would probably be the last year he believed in Santa, so she wanted to make the most of it.
‘You did not, because –’
‘That’ll do, Olly,’ said Matt. ‘Remember what we said?’
‘Oh. Oh, yes. It’s a secret, I remember.’
Secrets. So many secrets in the cottage this Christmastime.
‘I’ll keep an eye out for Santa myself,’ said Diane as they left the cottage. She had tried to persuade them not to go but she hadn’t offered to come with them. ‘I’ll watch you from the window, so I’ll be able to see you all the time.’ She sat down on the window seat, and on the way up the hill in the cold night air Amy could feel her eyes on them.
The view from the observatory was magnificent, all the way down the valley to the twinkling lights of Elderthwaite village and then to the cold, clear waters of the lake in the distance beyond.
‘You can see for miles,’ Amy said. The site where the cottage had been built was beautiful and peaceful, but it was surrounded on three sides by the hills which towered over it. At times this made it feel safe and enclosed and, at others, claustrophobic. She breathed deeply in the cold, clear air and looked up to the stars.
‘So, where’s Santa?’ Harry demanded.
They crowded round the tiny compass that Matt kept in his running jacket to try and figure out where the ‘sleigh’ would appear – and just as they worked it out, there it was, a small fleck of light which travelled fast just above the jagged silhouettes of the mountains.
‘There! There!’ Harry pointed, the first to spot it. ‘It’s him!’
They waved until the space station was out of sight.
‘He’s coming, Olly, so we need to go to bed NOW!’ yelled Harry, and without a pause the pair of them ran off down the hill again. Amy and Matt were finally alone.
‘Matt, I need to talk to you.’ Amy knew this opportunity for uninterrupted conversation wouldn’t last long.
‘What’s up?’
‘She spoke to me after church. She thinks I’m taking advantage of a grieving widower.’
‘Chance would be a fine thing,’ Matt muttered ‘We haven’t exactly had any opportunities to take advantage of each other this week.’
‘That’s not what I meant.’ One of her feet nearly slid out from under her – the rocks were slippery with frost. She grabbed onto Matt’s arm to stop herself from falling and he kept hold of her hand. She still made sure that Diane was still far enough away that she couldn’t see them holding hands.
‘She tried to warn me off,’ she continued when she was steady on her feet again.
‘I hope she didn’t succeed.’ He squeezed her hand.
‘Of course not, but …’ A bubble of doubts rose in her throat.
‘But what?’
‘We’ve both noticed you haven’t seemed yourself recently. She thinks you haven’t got over Stella. It’s not that, is it?’
'Of course not.’
‘Then there’s something bothering you, isn’t there?’ She held her breath and waited for an answer that was a long time coming. It wasn’t the straightforward ‘no’ that she had hoped for.
‘It’s complicated … and it’s Christmas Eve, so I’m not sure I –’
Before he had a chance to explain, the boys ran back up the hill towards them. They were shouting. Something must be wrong. She dropped Matt’s hand.
‘Harry’s got a big problem,’ Oliver announced from a distance.
‘What is it? What’s wrong?’ she asked. She hadn’t been watching them carefully enough, too intent on her conversation with Matt. Had Harry fallen? Had he hurt himself? Or was there sheep poo involved?
Harry nearly cannoned into the back of Oliver because he wasn’t watching where he was going.
‘It’s a crisis. Did you bring a Christmas Eve box, and is my Christmas stocking in it? I didn’t put it in my suitcase.’
Lost Christmas stockings she could deal with. ‘Yes, you do have a Christmas Eve box, and yes, your Christmas stocking’s in it.’
‘That’s alright then. Hurry up, you two. It must be bedtime by now, we need to go to bed right now.’
They ran away down the hill again .
‘Be careful. Don’t fall!’ Amy called after them.
‘Please don’t listen to Diane,’ he continued once the boys were out of earshot. ‘It’s not about Stella, I promise you, and there’s nothing you need to worry about. It’s Christmas, and all I want, more than anything else, is for you to be happy. That’s why we came here.’
‘Yes, you’re right, and I am happy.’ She forced herself to smile. He answered with a smile of his own which didn’t reach his eyes.
They got back to the cottage and gave the boys their Christmas Eve boxes. The boys hung their stockings on the ends of their beds, and rushed off to change into their new festive pyjamas, while Matt put the kettle on for their hot chocolate. Oliver appeared to be completely recovered from the ‘too many chocolate biscuits and too much Coke’ incident last night and had extra marshmallows on his. The boys were in bed before eight o’clock because they wanted Christmas Day to come quickly, but they took ages to get to sleep, and Matt and Amy spent most of the evening trying to get them to settle down. No sooner were they finally asleep and all three adults comfortably seated in front of the fire, than Diane decided to drain her glass of port and stand up.
‘I think it’s high time we all went to bed, too’ announced Diane. ‘I’m sure the boys will require an early start. Are you coming upstairs now?’ she demanded, looking at Amy.
‘We need to fill the boys’ Christmas stockings before we go to bed,’ Matt said to Amy. She nodded. ‘So I think we need to give them a little while longer. I don’t want to risk waking them up again.’
‘Don’t be too late to bed, will you? It’s going to be a busy day tomorrow and you wouldn’t want to be overtired. And please try and keep the noise down. I hear every creak and whisper in the night. Every single one.’
Amy and Matt waited until she was up the stairs and out of earshot, before they said anything else. Amy fought an overwhelming urge to giggle.
‘Now I know how Olly and Harry must feel when we tell them off!’ Matt whispered.
‘Something like that.’ Amy glanced upwards as if Diane could see, as well as hear, them. ‘D’you think she’s doing this deliberately to try and keep us apart?’
‘I don’t think she’d be that devious. One thing about Diane, she’s always seemed so straightforward.’
‘I suppose.’ Amy wasn’t at all sure that Diane was as straightforward as Matt wanted to think. ‘Let’s get these stockings sorted. Harry’s presents are hidden in the kitchen cupboard with the vegetables. I knew he’d never look there.’
‘Come on then. And if we give it a few minutes for Diane to go to sleep, I might have a surprise for you in the kitchen,’ he whispered with a wink.