Chapter 9
9
IVY
Ivy gripped Ross’s hips and rested her head on the curve of his back, trying to work out how to approach what she needed to tell him. She still couldn’t believe that the man who’d troubled her dreams again last night was the same person she’d come to Christmas Resort to track down. But why hadn’t Ross wanted to talk to her? What had happened between him and Miriam? It was a mystery – but she suspected once Ross finally heard why she was here, understood his grandmother wanted him to take over as Laird, he’d be eager to hear all about her plans. Why wouldn’t he? It would be a chance to reconcile with his family and the start of an incredible vocation. He’d be titled, wealthy – people would revere him and he wouldn’t have to worry about money or security for the rest of his life…If she had the same opportunity, she’d grab it with both hands.
The snowmobile suddenly shot over a large bump on the icy hill they were travelling down and Ivy shifted further forward, winding her arms around Ross’s waist before she could talk herself out of it. It wasn’t professional, but neither was flying off the saddle seat into a ditch.
‘Are we almost there?’ she shouted at the back of Ross’s helmet, wincing when the snowmobile hit another hump, and hoped the words would carry on the wind. When he didn’t reply, she leaned her head onto his back again. As they accelerated, she watched the bushes and trees, which were bulging with snow, fly past, and tried to work out each of the species.
‘ Follow your dreams, they know the way ,’ she whispered to herself, quoting the daily lesson from the coaching app she’d read that morning. Hopefully today the quote would be accurate again – and the new three daily goals she’d set, involving number one, speaking to Ross and two, convincing him to return to Hawthorn Castle, would be easy to achieve. She’d already nailed the third, which involved tracking down the mystery odd-job man, which she’d added on a whim because she’d wanted to see him again.
Ivy frowned as they headed into a forest of trees, a few of which had been decorated with bunting knitted in multicoloured wool. Then, after a few more minutes, the vehicle pulled to a stop and she reluctantly unwound her arms from around Ross’s chest.
Ross climbed off and undid his helmet before dangling it over the handlebars, then he zipped a finger over his lips when Ivy took hers off too. He bent suddenly and wagged a finger at Moose and Snowball before whispering ‘Shhhhh,’ and tipping his head to the side to offer them a few silent blinks. The animals must have understood because Moose whined.
‘There’s a clearing further ahead where we can sit and wait,’ Ross whispered. ‘I’ve seen a herd of wild reindeer in the area this week and sometimes they congregate here. We’ll have to stay hidden and it’s vital we don’t make any noise.’ He paused, perhaps to give her time to digest the directive. ‘Leave the helmet on the bike beside mine, follow me closely and don’t forget to be quiet.’
He pressed a finger to his mouth again, drawing attention to the sexy contour of his lips, and Ivy averted her eyes.
She gulped as she followed Ross along the icy pathway, taking in the array of ferns, mosses and shrubs decorated with tentacles of ice, trying to remember the names, which she’d once been able to recite without thinking. She stopped so she could take in the view and felt herself still. The sparkling duvet of snow and the glimmering flakes fluttering through the trees made it magical. She could have stayed here all day, absorbing the stunning vista and smells, the gorgeous trees and shrubs.
Ivy picked up her pace, snapping a few twigs under her boots as she caught up with Ross, who kept turning, checking she was still there – and frowning each time he realised she was. When they drew closer to a round snow-covered clearing, he stopped and jabbed a finger right where a series of long bushy branches had been rested against a tree, creating a den which Ivy guessed acted as a camouflage. Ivy followed Ross behind the screen, then sat on one of the four stubby tree stumps on the ground when he indicated to them and mimed sitting. She watched as he sat too, and then signalled to his pets to take their places at his feet. Both Moose and Snowball slumped onto the ground beside him, then watched transfixed as their master opened his backpack and tossed them both rewards.
‘Do you want hot chocolate?’ Ross whispered.
Ivy nodded. ‘I thought we couldn’t talk?’ she said, her tone hushed.
‘Instructions and animal-related conversation are fine if we keep it to a minimum,’ he murmured.
As Ivy’s mouth pinched in annoyance, Ross looked away. Then he poured them both a mug from the flask and handed her one before pointing to the gaps in between the branches.
‘Keep a lookout over there,’ he said, leaning closer. ‘I saw the reindeer in the area yesterday and left out some treats before I came to pick you up. Hopefully they’ll come looking round here for food. If the wind blows in the right direction, they should catch the scent.’
‘What did you leave them?’ Ivy asked, sipping some of the drink. She leaned closer, catching a whiff of balsam fir and pine needles, and wondered if the smell was just the trees or Ross.
‘They like carrots and slices of apple,’ he said, his eyes still fixed on the gaps between the branches. ‘It usually attracts them – it just depends on how close to the area they are.’
‘Isn’t there a herd of wild reindeer that visits the Hawthorn Castle Estate?’ Ivy asked, frowning when she noticed Ross’s shoulders tense. ‘I’ve never been lucky enough to see them, but is that how you learned about what they like to eat?’
‘I’m not—’ he started.
Then Moose’s ears suddenly pricked up and Ivy heard rustling in the undergrowth.
‘Steady, boys,’ Ross warned roughly, as he leaned towards the screen and encouraged Ivy to do the same.
That’s when she saw them. Three fawn-coloured reindeer, one with antlers, sniffing their way along the snowy pathway and heading straight for their hiding spot. One of the reindeer put its head up and took in a deep breath of air. They were magnificent. Ivy felt something inside her click, felt the fast pitter-patter of her heart as the reindeer continued to draw closer and one of them spotted the food Ross had left out.
‘They’ve found it,’ Ivy gasped, almost falling off the tree stump in her excitement. This beat sitting in an office, hands down. She stopped breathing as one of the reindeer glanced up again as if it had heard. Then Ivy felt Ross gently squeeze her shoulder and let herself relax, watching as the creatures crowded around and gobbled the treats noisily, seemingly oblivious to their audience.
‘This is incredible,’ she rasped after a few minutes as the reindeer finished the snacks and nudged one another’s necks, before turning their backs on the den and disappearing into the woods. The whole thing probably only took five or six minutes, but Ivy felt as if she’d been watching them for days. She couldn’t tear her eyes away.
She remained still, enjoying the peace and tingles that had travelled down her neck while she’d been sitting. ‘I understand now why you love it here so much,’ she said quietly. For the first time in almost a year, she felt relaxed. There was nothing nagging at the back of her mind, no guilt that she should be doing something more productive. She took in a deep breath and revelled in the scent of trees and shrubs, imagining she could identify some of them just from their smell.
She turned and looked straight at Ross, who immediately looked away. But before he did, she caught an odd look on his face – one that told her he was battling with himself about something.
‘You should finish your drink,’ he said roughly, pointing to her mug which was still half full.
‘Can I show the letter from your grandmother?’ she asked, digging into her bag without waiting for his response. When she couldn’t immediately find it, she pulled out the picture frame she’d taken from Miriam’s office and handed it to him to hold.
Ross stared at the picture, his forehead creasing. ‘This is from just before I left,’ he said, roughly rubbing a finger over the glass. ‘One of the gardeners at the estate took it and gave it to Miriam. I never thought she’d keep it. I always thought she’d remove any traces of me.’ He sounded shocked.
Ivy didn’t tell him that it was the only photo of him she’d seen in the castle. She could see he was affected, realised this was her best chance of getting him to listen. ‘I’m here to tell you your brother, Simon, has decided to…’ She paused, straightening. ‘Well, for various reasons he doesn’t want to become Laird.’
‘Simon?’ Ross glanced up, looking surprised. ‘But that’s all he’s ever wanted. It was his dream, the only thing that mattered to him. What happened?’
Ivy shrugged. ‘I’m not sure. I just know he had a huge fight with Miriam and stormed out. I don’t know where he’s gone.’
Ross blinked, his cheeks flexing. ‘My grandmother put Simon under a lot of pressure from a young age, but he was always happy with that. Being Laird was his destiny.’ He looked confused.
‘The letter Miriam wrote for you will probably explain everything – you should probably read it now.’ Ivy dug into the bag and pulled out the crisp cream envelope with the embossed red wax seal that Miriam always used. When Ross didn’t take it, she continued to hold it out. ‘Your grandmother wants you to come to the castle as soon as you can.’
Ross’s lips knotted and Ivy shuffled closer. She understood they’d fallen out, but surely this news would change everything?
‘I don’t think you understand,’ she said gently. ‘She wants you to return to Hawthorn Castle so you can take over from Simon and become Laird.’ When he didn’t react, she added, her voice a little desperate now, ‘You’ll inherit the land, title, everything…’
She waited for him to smile, but he just went back to staring at the photo.
‘There’s going to be a party on Christmas Eve and she wants to reintroduce you into society. It’s a huge honour.’ She paused again, still watching him, and her stomach sank. This wasn’t the reaction she’d been hoping for. ‘Why aren’t you excited?’ she asked, baffled.
‘Because I’m not interested. And I really don’t think my grandmother wants me to return.’ Ross shook his head. ‘I’m not part of the family anymore. This is just protocol. I have to be the first person she contacts, it wouldn’t be right otherwise. I’m not sure how long you’ve been working for Miriam, but I’m sure you’re aware everything is about appearances.’ His voice was dull. ‘You should have gathered that my grandmother’s not that invested in me returning because she didn’t come herself.’
‘What do you mean?’ Ivy asked.
Ross gave her an assessing look. ‘She sent you, didn’t she?’
‘Well, she’s very busy,’ Ivy said quickly, realising the excuse sounded weak. Miriam had had years to visit her grandson – why hadn’t she? And if this was so important, was it a little odd that she’d asked Ivy to visit instead of coming herself?
‘I’m really very sorry about Simon,’ Ross said, suddenly rising to his feet, his large body stooping under the canopy. ‘But I’m not the person to take this on and Miriam knows that. She doesn’t really want me.’ He shook his head. ‘I have a cousin once removed, Frank something.’ He tapped his temple. ‘I can’t remember his full name, but the family are part of the Ballentine bloodline. Miriam will know this…I expect she’ll ask you to speak to him next.’
‘I…I don’t…’ Ivy started, bemused as Ross plucked the unopened letter from her hand, then put that, along with the framed photo, into her backpack.
‘You should finish your drink,’ he said, pointing to the mug.
Ivy wasn’t sure what to say so she drank it and handed it to him. This wasn’t what she’d expected. She knew they’d fallen out, but this was a huge opportunity – an honour for Ross. What had happened between him and his family that was so awful?
Ivy knew something about fractured relationships and the misery of living with words you wished you’d never said – and the idea that whatever had happened was still festering between Miriam and her grandson made Ivy even more determined to get them to talk. Getting the job in London was vital too, of course, but somehow getting them to reconcile felt even more important.
Ross kept busy while Ivy considered what to do next. He zipped the flask and their mugs back into the backpack before pointing towards the opening to the den. ‘The reindeer are unlikely to return now. There’s somewhere a few miles from here where I’ve seen mountain hares a few times, we might as well go there next.’ He slung the bag over his shoulder and shot out of the small enclosure first, as if he couldn’t bear to be inside with her.
‘This isn’t over,’ she muttered as she joined Ross outside and looked up. The canopy from the trees protected them from most of the snowflakes, but even from here Ivy could see that the storm raging above them had worsened.
Ross followed her gaze and scowled. ‘We should head back to the lodge soon,’ he warned.
‘Can we see the mountain hares first?’ Ivy begged. She knew this was probably her last chance to speak to Ross alone. Once he’d dropped her off at her cabin, it was unlikely she’d be able to trick him into spending time with her again. There was still so much to talk about, so much she wanted to know. ‘They’re one of my favourite animals,’ she lied.
‘Which is why they were number nine on your colour-coded chart?’ Ross asked dryly, although she detected a spark of humour there. ‘Fine. We can take a look, but I’m not sure if we’ll see any today. They tend to burrow when it’s cold and can be difficult to spot because they camouflage themselves in the snow. There’s some of the heather you were interested in seeing up there too.’ He glanced up again. ‘But after we look, we’re going to head back to the lodge before we get stuck out here.’ He took off at a fast pace, eating up the ground, with Snowball and Moose bounding ahead, dipping in and out of the trees as they played games with each other.
Ivy broke into a trot trying to keep up. ‘Is there something I should know about you and Miriam? Why are you estranged?’
‘Still?’ Ross stopped and turned so he could face Ivy. He stared down at her for a few moments, his eyes flickering across her face, then he nodded as if he’d made a decision. ‘I’m going to tell you something about my grandmother. I don’t normally share but perhaps this will help you understand my position and leave this alone.’ He let out a long breath. ‘Miriam Ballentine became my legal guardian when I was twelve, after my parents were both killed in a sailing accident,’ he said, his voice low and even.
Ivy took a step towards him, saw Moose and Snowball do the same. It was as if they could hear something in his voice, something that told them what he was saying hurt.
‘I heard about the accident, I’m very sorry.’
Ross frowned. ‘It was a long time ago,’ he said. ‘Although on days like these when everything gets stirred up it feels like yesterday.’
Ivy could understand that. She swallowed, feeling guilty.
‘I was…’ He hesitated. ‘On the boat with them. Simon was meant to come but he ended up going to a party with some of his friends, so it was just the three of us.’
‘I had no idea,’ Ivy said, her cheeks paling. ‘Miriam hasn’t really talked about…’ She waved a palm and Ross nodded.
‘She was never that good at discussing it. I think she believes expressing her feelings is beneath her. In her world, it happened and we all had to move on and focus on what was important.’
‘What happened exactly?’ Ivy asked, partly because she wanted to know, but partly because she sensed Ross needed to tell her.
‘We hit a storm,’ Ross said, as a gust of wind blew through the trees, making them both flinch. ‘It came out of nowhere. Mam and Da were experienced sailors but we must have hit something that had been drifting because the boat started taking on water.’ His eyes fixed on something behind Ivy as if he’d travelled back in time. ‘They sent a distress signal, made sure I had a life jacket – but, somehow, it had lost its buoyancy.’ He winced.
‘That’s awful,’ Ivy said, her tone low.
He jerked his head. ‘The boat went down really fast and I only realised the life jacket was useless when we hit the water and I began to go under the waves.’ Ross swiped a shaky hand across his mouth.
Ivy wondered if he was recalling how it had felt to have the water rising above his nose, how terrified he would have been when he couldn’t breathe. She considered telling him to stop, but she wanted to hear this. Suspected Ross needed to get all of it out too.
‘My mother gave me her life jacket and my father tried to use his for both of them.’ His voice lowered. ‘I can only guess what happened because I don’t remember much from that point. I only know the storm was so bad the rescue helicopter almost didn’t find me. When I got winched to safety, I begged them to keep looking for my parents, and they did, for a while…but their bodies were never recovered.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ Ivy whispered.
Ross paused as if steeling himself. ‘I wasn’t a good swimmer,’ he said flatly. ‘Simon’s always been far more competitive than me, better at that kind of thing. I often wonder what would have happened if he’d been in the boat with us too.’ He shut his eyes.
‘What could he have done? He wasn’t that much older than you,’ she said, her voice almost a whisper.
‘We’ll never know.’ When Ross spoke again his voice was toneless. ‘All I know is I was a young boy at the time. Devastated from the loss, in need of affection and guidance through my grief and guilt. But Miriam…’ He shook his head. ‘I think she blamed me. All that seemed to matter was my brother Simon and the legacy he was going to inherit. It felt like he was the only important one.’
‘I’m sure that’s not true…’ Ivy trailed off, thinking about the older woman and how the estate did seem to mean everything to her – that and maintaining the family lineage. She was very focused on running the estate, on managing the grants and business accounts, and ensuring Simon was doing everything he should. Ivy had even heard Miriam talking to Simon recently about marrying into the right circles, preserving the bloodline. She hadn’t heard the outcome of the conversation but there had been a few slammed doors. Ivy couldn’t imagine Miriam finding time for a grieving child.
Ross cleared his throat, seemingly working his way through the emotions swamping him. ‘My parents used to take us everywhere together, but Miriam left me behind. As she groomed my brother for his duties, took him away on trips, I was left to my own devices.’
The edge of Ivy’s mouth twisted. ‘That’s…I’m so sorry.’
He shrugged. ‘After a few years it became normal and I honestly didn’t mind. I stopped trying to connect with my family, and realised it was better for all of us if I spent my time with the groundskeeping team. The staff changed regularly but whoever was working let me hang around.’ He lifted a shoulder. ‘Maybe Miriam encouraged it because it meant I wasn’t there as a reminder of what had happened, or perhaps she really wasn’t interested in me being under her feet. But they taught me about trees, native flowers and shrubs, helped me develop an interest in what I do now…’ He looked around and his face cleared. ‘I love being outdoors, it’s the only place I feel…right.’
Ivy nodded. She understood that too, although this was the first time in a year that she’d let herself admit it. Not that that would change anything. She let out a breath. ‘What about your brother, what about Simon?’
Ross looked weary. ‘He was very tied up with learning to be a Laird. He had to keep our grandmother happy and there wasn’t time for a younger brother.’ He gazed into the trees, the lines at the edges of his eyes deepening, and Ivy thought she could see pain etched into the crevices, wondered if anyone had ever tried to smooth them out. ‘I often wondered if they both blamed me. I think in their place I would have.’ He nodded.
‘Why? It wasn’t your fault,’ Ivy said, shocked.
‘Wasn’t it?’ Ross murmured and there was something in his voice that made Ivy ache for him. ‘In the end I forced myself not to care and stopped wondering why they’d essentially abandoned me. After university I left and didn’t return. It was better that way.’ His voice was firm. ‘Better for all of us.’
Ivy stared at him, unsure of what to say.
‘I hope now you know everything, you’ll understand why I’m not interested in returning to the castle. I didn’t matter then and I’m not interested in suddenly mattering now. I don’t want those feelings stirred up and I’m very sure Miriam doesn’t really want me to be Laird.’
‘I…I’m… I’m sorry for what you went through but?—’
‘You still think there’s a chance of a happily ever after?’ Ross asked gently, gazing at her, his eyes wide.
‘Perhaps.’ She looked pensive. ‘I wonder if you and your grandmother are more alike than you realise. Years can change people, make them see the world in a different light. I don’t believe in leaving something festering like this for so many years.’ She stared at him. ‘Surely you’d like to see Miriam and your brother again?’ They were his family, the only family he had.
‘I really wouldn’t, Ivy,’ Ross grunted. ‘I appreciate what you’re trying to do but some things really can’t be healed. You need to go back to the castle to tell Miriam I’m not interested. I think you’ll find if you do, she’ll be relieved.’
He held Ivy’s eyes and she fought to contain her breath. She could see hurt in his expression but had no idea how to ease it or make it right. Had even less idea of why she wanted to. She opened her mouth and Ross shook his head. Then he turned away and started walking again.
‘I didn’t share my story with you because I wanted sympathy,’ he said, his voice hard. ‘I’m explaining why I’m not going back to the castle. My grandmother doesn’t really want me and there’s nothing for me there.’
‘There’s your family,’ Ivy blurted before she could stop herself.
He turned and his whisky-brown eyes narrowed, making Ivy wish she could swallow her words.
‘I have no family.’
They finished the walk in silence, and Ivy mulled over what she’d learned, looking for a clue as to how she could find a way through the tangled mess of hurt. Perhaps Miriam had changed her mind – maybe she regretted the way she’d treated her youngest grandson. Things might work out if they could only have a conversation – and perhaps Simon and Ross could be reunited too.
Then again, was she wrong to force this? She hated the idea of leaving a family in pain. But if bringing it up over and over would hurt Ross, shouldn’t she leave it alone?
Ivy contemplated this as Ross handed her the helmet and then pulled off his gloves so he could help her fasten hers. This time she could tell he made sure their skin didn’t brush.
‘I can see your mind whirring,’ he said gruffly, as he stepped away and got ready to pull on his helmet. ‘I sense you’re not someone who likes to give up.’ Through the shield in Ivy’s helmet their eyes caught and held. ‘On one level I admire that about you. But please don’t ask me to see or speak to my grandmother again.’ With that he shoved on his helmet and tugged it over his head.
Ivy climbed onto the back of the snowmobile and clutched the handles, mute, realising perhaps sometimes it might be better to leave things as they were – even if that meant she’d have to wave goodbye to the job in London and making her mother happy once and for all.