Chapter 25
25
IVY
Ivy watched Ross’s car shoot down the driveway, feeling every single part of her ache. She didn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to feel – she only knew she’d just devastated Ross, conspired with his grandmother to trick him into getting Simon to return. And, in turn, she’d confirmed everything he’d always believed. That he wasn’t enough, that no one really wanted him. That he’d always come second to something…Worse, he was right, because she had befriended him and persuaded him to return to the castle – and it had all been for a job. At least at first.
‘Dammit,’ she cursed as Ross’s car disappeared out of sight and she shut the castle door just as she heard footsteps sprinting down the corridor.
‘Where’s Ross?’ Simon shouted as he joined Ivy in the hallway, frantically searching for his brother.
‘He’s gone,’ Ivy said flatly, pressing a hand to her heart, which felt like it had been shredded.
‘Where?’ Simon asked, his eyes widening. ‘I told him to wait, I told him I had to speak to Miriam.’
‘About you coming back to be Laird?’ Ivy asked, unable to keep the despair from her voice. Because Ross had been right, neither Simon nor Miriam had ever really wanted him. How could she have been so stupid? How could she have believed in them?
‘Of course not!’ Simon looked shocked. ‘I had to talk to our grandmother because we need to find a way for this whole thing…’ He wriggled his hands, taking in their surroundings. ‘To work with Ross. I have to speak with him now,’ he said, agitated. ‘Miriam does too.’ He looked angry. ‘She has some serious apologising to do.’
‘I don’t think he’s going to listen to any of us.’ Ivy’s voice wobbled. He hadn’t listened to her. He’d left – but she couldn’t blame him.
Ross was right, this whole thing had never been about him. It had always been about her finding the right path. Ivy swiped away a tear. She knew she’d lost him. This was a man who’d separated himself from his family for five years after they’d hurt him, so there was no way he’d ever forgive her…But if she couldn’t fix things between them, there was at least one thing she could do to make things right.
‘I need to go,’ she said, opening the door.
‘Are you going to speak to Ross?’ Simon asked hopefully.
‘No,’ Ivy murmured as she stepped onto the driveway. ‘I don’t think he’ll listen to anything I have to say again – but I do have to talk to my mother.’
‘Why?’ Simon asked, looking confused.
‘Because Ross was right. I’m done living someone else’s life and I’m going to turn down the job in London. It’s the least I owe him.’ Then she marched out of the door, leaving Simon gaping after her.
Ivy sat on the sofa in the small cold cottage at Hawthorn Castle, staring at her mobile. She’d texted her mother half an hour ago, saying they had to talk.
Ivy had no idea when Faith would be free, but was determined to speak to her before she lost her nerve. So she was just going to wait until her mother called.
Ivy almost jumped off the sofa when her mobile pinged. But when she checked the screen, it was just her coaching app. Ivy flicked to it, frowning as she read.
‘Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.’ –Steve Jobs
If she’d needed another reminder that she’d totally messed things up, this message had come at the perfect time.
I think I’m finally starting to realise that I’ve been living my life wrong for the last year , she said to herself, feeling foolish.
She glanced around the stark room with the high grey-brick walls, cold dark floor and brown rug – even the sofa was uncomfortable – and it was difficult not to compare it with the cabin Bonnibell had given her in Christmas Resort. Ivy had loved the festive decorations, warm fire and the stunning views of the woods. But the thing she’d loved most was being so close to nature again. Walking in the woods with Ross, smelling the trees, just being outdoors – it had made her realise that it was where she was supposed to be. The only place she’d truly be happy.
Her mobile pinged with a message from her mother saying she’d be able to call in ten minutes. Ivy got up and paced, trying to work out exactly what she was going to say. Her stomach was churning but she knew she was doing the right thing. She only wished it hadn’t taken losing Ross to figure out what she truly wanted, or at least have the courage to grab it.
Ivy felt sick when her mobile finally rang. She picked up and heaved in a breath. ‘Mum.’
‘Ivy, Miriam’s just contacted me to let me know you’ve been accepted onto the training programme,’ she gushed.
‘Have I?’ Ivy asked flatly, because it was the first she’d heard. Not that it mattered now.
‘I’m so delighted for you,’ Faith continued. ‘It’s such a relief to know you’re going to be settled and safe and that I can stop worrying about your future.’
Ivy winced. ‘About that,’ Ivy said slowly. She stroked her suddenly sweaty hands on her clothes and took in a long breath. ‘Mum, I’m sorry but I’m not going to take the job.’ As she said it Ivy felt a rush of relief which told her she was doing the right thing.
The mobile fell silent. ‘Why not?’ her mother asked, finally. ‘Is it because you’ve had a better offer from somewhere else?’
‘I’m not taking the job because it’s not what I want,’ Ivy said. ‘I’m sorry, Mum, but I wasn’t born to work in an office, I think we both know that.’ She hesitated, then forced herself to continue. ‘You know how much I enjoy working with plants?—’
‘That again…’ Her mother huffed. ‘We’ve talked about this,’ she said, her voice rising.
Ivy could tell her mother was getting upset. Had to stop herself from immediately backing down. Fear shot through her, but she knew she had to push through.
‘Please don’t get upset,’ Ivy begged. Tears pricked her eyes again and she sank back into the sofa. It had been such an emotional day already, and she felt drained, but she owed it to herself and Ross to finish the conversation.
‘Of course I’m upset, Ivy,’ her mother said sharply. ‘We’ve talked about this. You can potter in a garden anytime you want in your own time, but if you want to be secure, you need something you can count on. A career you know can support you.’
‘I’m not Dad,’ Ivy said as she stood and went to stare out of a small arched window at the edge of the sitting room. It was still snowing and the castle grounds were blanketed in white. In the distance Ivy could see a small copse of balsam fir and her mind wandered to Ross. Where was he now? What was he going to do? Her heart ached, but thinking about him gave her the courage to continue.
‘I know you’re worried about me making what you think of as a proper living, but I can make this work. Thousands of people do. Being outside, working with plants – Mum, it’s where I’m happiest.’
‘Ivy, your dad was a…wonderful man,’ her mother said sadly. ‘And I know you’re just like him, which is why I worry so much.’ She paused. ‘But you wear such rose-coloured spectacles when it comes to him. He loved plants, yes, but he never took anything else seriously, which is why the business failed. You remember we lost everything when he died?’
‘I remember,’ Ivy said, and the weight of the words made her shoulders sink. ‘I also remember he was never happier than when he was knee-deep in earth.’
‘I know.’ Her mother sounded dreamy. ‘That look on his face when something he’d planted flowered – it was the same one he gave you when you were born.’ She fell silent. ‘It’s a shame he didn’t feel the same way about looking after the accounts…’
‘Mum. I’m not a hundred per cent dad, remember,’ Ivy said gently. ‘A big part of me is you. The part that can actively manage a spreadsheet in Excel, even though I’ll admit I don’t enjoy it much.’ She pulled a face. ‘And I’d rather eat a mud pie than balance the books – but that doesn’t mean I’m going to actively avoid it. I’ve no idea where I’m going to end up, but that’s okay.’
She thought about Christmas Resort before shaking her head. ‘All I do know is wherever it is, I’ll be working outside, probably knee-deep in plants. Because I know it’s the only way I’m ever going to be truly happy. Life can be short; we both know that. I don’t want to waste what time I have.’
‘Oh, Ivy,’ her mother said.
‘I want you to trust me to make my own choices, to live my own life…’
‘This was never about trust, Ivy,’ her mother said. ‘I just want you to be safe.’ The line fell silent again. ‘When I had the heart attack…’
‘Oh Mum, you don’t?—’
‘ When I had the heart attack,’ her mother continued, her voice firm, ‘the thing that worried me most wasn’t that I almost died.’ She stopped for a beat, as if gathering herself. ‘The thing that terrified me was what would happen to you. I never wanted you to follow in your father’s footsteps and you were always determined to do just that. I was worried before, but suddenly me not being around became so much more real. All I could think about was how important it was that you were safe. I suppose that’s why I’ve been pressuring you so much to get this job. Why I insisted you worked with Miriam.’
‘But I’m fine, Mum,’ Ivy soothed.
‘I never want you to feel the way I did when your dad died. I was grieving – but when we lost everything, life felt so out of control…’ She let out a long, noisy sigh.
‘But you coped,’ Ivy said. ‘More than that – you thrived. Are you okay?’ Ivy asked, suddenly worried when her mother didn’t respond. ‘It’s not your heart, is it?’
‘I’m fine, darling,’ Faith promised. ‘I’m just digesting what you’ve said. I know you worry about my health,’ she added. ‘I love you for it, but you don’t need to. We know the problem. I’m on medication and I’m fine. It was just the stress of the job and I wasn’t looking after myself properly. Now I am.’
‘It wasn’t the stress of the job, it was because you were arguing with me,’ Ivy blurted as guilt flooded her.
‘Of course it wasn’t!’ Her mother sounded horrified.
‘But we were fighting about my job,’ Ivy said.
‘We had a disagreement. If you want to see me have a real argument, you should come and spend the day at the hospital sometime.’
‘I’d love to,’ Ivy shot back, realising it was true.
‘Okay.’ Faith hesitated. ‘When?’
Ivy pursed her lips as she looked around. There was nothing for her here – Ross hated her; Miriam was going to be furious when she turned down the job. She was owed some holiday – she hadn’t taken any since starting the maternity leave cover. It would be short notice, but perhaps a few days with her mother, talking things out, would help her aching heart?
‘Now?’ she suggested. ‘I could drive down later today?’ Ivy held her breath as her mother considered.
‘I’d love that, as long as Miriam doesn’t mind,’ her mother said.
Ivy grimaced. ‘I’ll make sure it’s okay.’
Faith paused. ‘I’ll be working, but I can see if I can swing some time off.’
‘Maybe we can talk a bit more about Dad?’ Ivy asked, hopefully. ‘I know you don’t like to…’
Her mother fell silent for a beat. ‘I try not to because it makes me sad.’ She hesitated. ‘But, I’ll admit, every now and then, especially when I walk to work, or smell a bouquet beside one of my patient’s beds in the hospital, I can’t help thinking about him. Then I wonder what he’d be doing if he was still alive…’
‘I know.’ Ivy shut her eyes and she could see him. ‘He’d be in a greenhouse with his hands in a plant pot, covered in earth,’ she said, wondering if she’d have been standing beside him – guessing she would have.
‘And he’d be beaming from ear to ear,’ her mother murmured. Then she sighed heavily. ‘Are you sure you don’t want the job in London, Ivy? It’s an opportunity you may not get again.’
‘I’m sorry, Mum, but it’s taken me a long time to realise what I need – and the last few months have shown me I’ve been travelling down the wrong path. I’ve never been more miserable,’ she admitted. ‘Even that app you subscribed me to knows I’m doing the wrong thing.’ She paused. ‘Today it told me I shouldn’t try to live someone else’s life.’
Her mother hesitated and Ivy waited for her to try to talk her out of it again. She could almost hear the worry vibrating down the line, but knew she had to hold her ground.
‘Okay, darling,’ her mother said eventually. ‘All I ever really wanted was for you to be safe and happy. I’m going to worry, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t, but I’ll try to back off and let you do your own thing. Just – after your visit, you have to promise to update me on what you’re doing – and for goodness’ sake, keep a firm eye on your accounts!’
‘I promise I will.’ Ivy chuckled. ‘I’ll call you when I leave,’ she said as she hung up the phone, feeling relief slide through her. Why hadn’t she done this before?
Then her smile dropped as Ivy remembered the look on Ross’s face when he’d been standing in the castle hallway. He’d helped her to realise what she needed, to escape from a path that someone else was forcing her down. While she’d tried to push him back into a world where he didn’t belong. She longed to see him again, to put things right. But how could she?
Ivy shook her head. Ross Ballentine was perfectly happy living at Christmas Resort. She was going to do what she should have done from the start – which was leave him alone.