Chapter 17
JACE
Roux Danvers.
I’d know her laugh anywhere, and it’s definitely her tinkling laughter radiating from the kitchen.
My hands itch with anticipation, eager to see a friendly face but still filled with disgust from moments before.
I’m desperate to tell her about everything I’ve learned over the past few days, but what if she has no clue either?
I don’t want to flood her with information she might be content never knowing.
Do I really want to burden her with what consumed Cyrus and is now plaguing me?
Just outside the kitchen, I stop to take a deep breath and collect myself, silently wishing I had stopped in the bathroom first to make sure I don’t look as unhinged as I feel.
“Roux!” I squeal, half genuine and half forced, as I round the corner. My folks, Roux, and her mama all sit around the table, their heads turning in my direction as I enter.
“Baby girl!” Roux coos, even though I’m six years older, rushing to me from the table. She wraps me in her arms, squeezing me against her soft curves. I allow myself to melt into her embrace. “When I hadn’t heard from you, I was afraid I wouldn’t get to see you at all during winter break.”
We pull apart to look at one another, still locking arms. She’s a couple inches taller than me in her platform sneakers, so I have to look up to meet her warm brown eyes circled with rings of green.
Her gaze fills me with a comfortable warmth I haven’t felt in nearly two years, not since Cyrus.
Tears form in my eyes as she squeezes my elbows.
“Don’t cry, baby,” she whispers, rubbing her thumbs across my cheeks.
She hugs me again before leading me, hand in hand, back to the table.
Guilt snakes through me as I remember I’ve barely spoken to her these last few months. Yet, she’s still filled with joy upon seeing me. Roux has always been a bright light when all I am is dark.
“You remember my ma, Magnolia?” she chirps, gesturing to the smiling woman next to my mama.
Her bright hazel eyes are full of empathy and understanding, like they were already talking about me before I came in.
I nod, pulling my lips into an uncomfortable smile and taking the empty seat next to Roux.
“Oh, Jace!” Magnolia exclaims, clasping her hands together. She’s never lost her Southern charm. “It’s been so long! The last time I saw you must have been right before you left for college.”
“The party,” my mama confirms, bobbing her head enthusiastically. It seems Magnolia has the same effect on Mama as Roux does on me. “I can’t believe that was the last time we all got together. We can’t wait so long next time!”
“Oh, I agree,” Magnolia says, patting Mama’s hand.
Her eyes drift to me, softening as she watches me squirm in my chair, like she can read my every emotion.
I chew on the inside of my cheek, thinking of something to add to the conversation.
Magnolia doesn’t wait for the pause to become awkward before speaking again.
“Why don’t we let the girls catch up on their own, and I’ll put on another pot of coffee? ”
“Yes!” Roux shrieks, making Pop jump in his seat. I hide a giggle behind one hand, and Roux reaches for the other. “I’m taking the cookies though! Jace looks like she could use a little sugar rush.”
My attention goes back to Magnolia, silently thanking her.
I let Roux pull me back towards my room.
She effortlessly balances the plate of cookies with me in tow as she bounces down the hall.
As soon as we’re safely inside, no longer obligated to make polite small talk, I close the door behind us and throw my head back in relief.
Roux places the cookies on the nightstand before flopping onto the bed.
“This room hasn’t changed a bit,” she laughs, rolling over to prop herself up on her elbow. She leans her head into her hand, staring at me questioningly, searching my eyes for unspoken answers. Roux snaps the gum in her mouth, raising an eyebrow. “So, what’s really goin’ on?”
I sigh, sliding down the end of the bed to sit on the floor. Roux runs her hand through my hair, working out the knots carefully to keep from pulling. “I don’t even know where to start,” I answer honestly. “It’s been really fucking weird ‘round here the last few days.”
“I figured, given how awkward it was sittin’ with your folks. You’d ‘a thought you died or somethin’, the way your mama was mopin’ around the kitchen.” She chuckles softly, scooting forward to rest her head on top of mine. “What happened?”
My words tangle in my throat, and I choke on a sob. Roux lifts her head and climbs off the bed, sliding down to sit by my side. She encircles me in her arms as I begin to cry. “I…I just got back home, and Pop’s already hollerin’ at me about being too sad and makin’ Mama feel bad.”
“Shhhh,” she hushes, brushing my bangs away from my face.
“It’s okay. You don’t haveta tell me until you’re good and ready.
” Roux squeezes me tighter, curling her body to mine.
I sob harder, leaning my head on her shoulder.
I don’t deserve a friend half as good as her, especially since I’ll never be able to return the favor.
“Cyrus is dead.” The words spill from me before I’m prepared to say them.
Roux’s body goes rigid, and her breath hitches, unsure of what to say next.
The action is so unlike her normal comforting demeanor, I pull back slightly.
My eyes meet hers, scanning them for her reaction to the news. “You knew?”
Roux winces and unfolds herself from me. She leans back, taking my face in her hands. Her head tilts to one side as she chews on her bottom lip. “Not for sure, no.”
I shake my head, dropping my face into my hands. My chest heaves with each shaky breath. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
She reaches for my hands and inhales deeply. “I didn’t know for sure. It was just a hunch something bad happened.”
“How long?” I croak, putting my head to my knees. “How long have you known?”
“Maybe about six months after he disappeared,” she confesses, drawing her hands back into her lap. Her voice cracks. “He never went more than a few weeks without texting me back, but when the calls started goin’ to voicemail, I got this heaviness in my gut.”
“Did anyone check on him?” The words come out barely audible. My legs shake, knees knocking together.
“I told Ma ‘bout it, but she told me to stay out of the Gibsons’ business. She’s always thought they were nothin’ but trouble, and I can’t blame her. I convinced myself he was just avoiding me because he knew we talked, but it all just felt so wrong.” Her cheeks redden, voice filling with shame.
“I don’t know why anyone would speak about poor old Elias like that.” I groan, peeking up at her. A smirk tugs at the corner of my lips.
We both burst into a fit of laughter until we’re lying on the floor, mixed tears of humor and grief streaming down our cheeks.
We grow quiet, the gravity of what I just revealed sinking into us again.
Roux’s hand drifts over the carpet until it finds mine, interlacing our fingers before bringing our hands to her chest.
“How did you find out?” she whispers, pressing the back of my hand to her warm lips.
My skin ignites, making me painfully aware of how deprived of human contact I’ve been after a year of seclusion.
Roux’s gentle gestures are like a warm blanket after months of chilly winter air.
My hand shakes as I adjust to the friction of her skin against mine, before letting myself lean into the heat traveling through my body.
“Pop blurted it out last night during one of our arguments,” I groan, turning my head away from her. His words sear through my thoughts. “He didn’t come right out with it, not exactly. Might as well have, though—said I needed to let dead things stay dead.”
“How would he know?” Roux asks sternly, accusation thick in her tone.
“I was askin’ myself the same question.” If Roux and her mama don’t even know for sure, how would he?
Maybe he’s just assuming too, but I can’t let that flicker of hope fan into a flame.
Deep down, I know it was more than an assumption.
There was too much conviction in his statement, too vehement in his denial about what he had said.
“How do you feel?” she whispers, pulling my arm to roll me toward her.
“Like shit,” I laugh darkly. “I don’t know what to think. If your family didn’t know, why would he? He didn’t even like…Cyrus. Or, at least, he said as much last night.”
“You don’t have to say his name for me, baby girl.” She turns her head toward mine, bringing us face to face. “I already know how brave you are.”
“I have so many questions burnin’ big holes inside me, gettin’ larger the longer I hold ‘em in. I’m worried they’re gonna burn me alive before I get answers,” I whimper, pulling a hand back to dry my face and wipe away the start of fresh tears. I’m so fucking sick of crying.
Roux drapes her arms around my waist, her eyes pools of acceptance. “What questions? I can’t promise I can answer any, but I can sure try.”
“The largest ones are about him, but there’s more too.
” My voice quakes, becoming hesitant. “I found a box out in the shed.” I don’t know how much Roux knows about our families, and I don’t think I can take being the one to break it to her.
She’s never brought up our time in Devil’s Nest, the complete opposite of Cyrus.
I say the next words like a question, testing the waters to see how deep I can go before drowning us both.
“It was full of things from Devil’s Nest.”
Roux tilts her head. I can almost hear her mind whirring as she considers what to say next. Her bottom lip folds between her teeth. She breathes out slowly, making a whistling noise. “Things about our families?”
I nod, trying to inject meaning into the gesture and hoping she’ll understand. “I saw a picture of Cyrus and Mattie in there.”
“I wish I had gotten to know her.” Roux’s voice wavers, and I worry I’ve said too much. “And my aunt,” she says after a long pause. “I don’t think Ma has ever forgiven herself for not intervening sooner, for not going back for Mattie.”
I lean into Roux, letting her warm scent of crisp apples and spice engulf me. She always smells like fall. “Our families are so fucked up,” I chuckle.
A laugh bursts from her throat, and she hugs me tightly as we erupt into another fit of melancholy-fueled humor. “You’re tellin’ me. At least you’re not related to the rest of ‘em,” she chuckles once she catches her breath.
As our laughter subsides, I grow bold enough to ask the question I’ve had on the tip of my tongue since we started this conversation. “How much do you remember about our childhood?”
“Enough,” she says darkly. The drastic change in her tone tells me she probably knows more than I did growing up. “I was so young, though. Most of it I learned after we moved, and I realized Dad wasn’t coming too.”
“And Cyrus? I remember y’all being close when we were kids.” I playfully push against her. “You used to get so upset when I came around.”
“I was a little possessive.” A devilish grin flashes across her face before she frowns.
Her head rolls back as she stares blankly up at the ceiling.
The naturally cheerful tone of her voice fades, and my heart twinges.
“We’re all cousins, Mattie, Cyrus, and I, but I saw far more of him than I did of her.
His daddy and mine hung around each other a lot, but Mama never forgave him for what happened to her sister. ”
“Lottie? Cyrus’ mama?”
Roux nods her head. “I never met her. I was just a baby when she died, but my mama still swears up and down Elias killed her. Papaw was still Sheriff then and ruled it an accident. After we moved, I hardly saw Cyrus at all. We still stayed in touch as much as we could, though, until...” She chokes on her words.
I reach for her hand, squeezing it with all the comfort I can muster.
“My mama doesn’t like Elias either,” I reply before asking the more difficult question. “You really think Cyrus is gone then?”
“I’m so sorry, Jace.” Roux closes her eyes and sighs. “I shoulda said somethin’, I know. Mama brought it up again not long ago, after we shared a couple of glasses of wine. She thinks Elias killed him too, but she doesn’t have any proof. Says she just knows it, deep down.”
Her confession slams into me, striking me in the heart. A cry slips from my throat.
“She’s probably right, but I can’t explain it either. I shoulda said so the first time you asked. I’m sorry, Jace, I really am.” There’s no hint of dishonesty in her apology.
“You remember those clove cigarettes he used to smoke?” I ask, bracing myself for what I’m about to tell her and hoping I don’t sound out of my mind. “I keep smelling ‘em, right here in my room.”
“I always hated that he smoked,” she groans, crinkling her nose. She waves a hand in front of her, fanning invisible smoke.
“I’d probably smoke too if Elias was my dad,” I joke, even though my pop’s not much better. Neither one seems to have the capacity for any kind of positive emotion.
Her face relaxes, and she laughs, swatting playfully at me. “Yeah, I guess we’re all in the Shitty Dad Club.”
“I really was excited when y’all finally got together—always knew Cyrus was your type. Tall, dark, broody.” Roux winks. “A little bit of an asshole.”
“Roux!” I shout, throwing one hand dramatically over my chest. My eyes dart to a pillow within arm’s reach, but Roux’s eyes follow mine.
We both fumble, jumping to be the first to grab it.
We’re both in our twenties, but at this moment, as we fall to the floor tugging on either end of the pillow, it feels like we’re kids again.
The cloud of sadness normally surrounding me lifts just enough for me to let loose and enjoy this time with her.
A knock at the door startles us, and we sit up frantically as I call, “Come in!”
Both our mamas appear in the open doorway, smiling like cats who’ve caught a canary. “It’s gettin’ late,” Magnolia says, looking from me to Roux. “You girls all caught up?”
“I was thinkin’,” my mama interjects, “it’s been so long since Jace has had a friend, maybe you and Roux can spend the night. I can set up the guest room. It’s really no trouble at all.”
My cheeks burn with embarrassment. I hide my face behind my hands, shaking my head. Roux only giggles before replying, “I’d love to! As long as it’s alright with Mama.”
Magnolia smiles, trying to keep herself from laughing as I squirm uncomfortably from the visible excitement on my mama’s face. “Of course!” she agrees, before adding, “As long as Kate brings out the good wine.”
They close the door to leave, their giggling echoing down the hall like a couple of schoolgirls. I turn to Roux and roll my eyes playfully. “I guess we’re havin’ a sleepover.”