Chapter 7 Noelle #2
Leif and I talk the whole time. He tells me about how he applied for the internship last year, and all about what it’s like to be living in Houston.
“My neighbor works from home, but constantly plays nature shows about elephants during his exact working hours at a very high volume. I never would have known if I didn’t spend a week home sick in the fall. ”
“Elephants?”
“Yes. Elephants. Sometimes it’s the same documentary, too.”
“Maybe they’re an elephant researcher?” I suggest.
“That’s what I thought, too, but he told me he was an accountant. He’s just…really into elephants.”
I snort laugh at that.
I tell him I have some big career news, but I talk about the little things first. I tell him how at the show I wrapped last year, there was a woman who bought two tickets in the front row to every single performance in the season.
“She kept one of the seats empty, and at the end of every show, she sobbed inconsolably. When I asked her about it, she said the play was her husband’s favorite. They were married thirty-four years.”
“Did he pass?” Leif asks softly.
“No. He left her. To become a Buddhist monk.”
“What?”
“Yeah. In Thailand. He said he was ‘finally following his calling’. He moved to an ashram in rural Southeast Asia two years ago and comes back once a year to visit their kids.”
“Wow. That’s kind of terrible. The leaving his family part, I mean.”
“Would have saved all of them a whole lot of heartbreak if he found his calling before starting a family, don’t you think?”
“If he knew what it was back then.”
I shrug, slightly tormented by this story. I don’t know why I told it. Maybe to remind myself I’m doing the right thing by pursuing my own dreams in lieu of other things.
The server comes then to ask if we want anything else. We don’t. But we didn’t make any plans for after this. When we’re done—Leif having laid down a not-insignificant amount of money for a gratuity since we’re not paying a bill—I sit back, playing with the necklace I put on on a whim tonight.
“Is that special?” Leif asks.
I look down. The necklace is a simple gold clover on a chain. “It’s just a trinket. But yes, I feel like it has been.” I think about tonight, and how amazing it’s been.
“Does it bring you luck?”
Does it? All of a sudden a great sadness hits me. Because Leif is amazing. This night has been amazing. But in a few days it’ll be Christmas, and after that we’ll both be heading back home. A couple of weeks from now, I’ll be back in New York starting the rest of my life.
This is all we get.
“I’m not sure if it’s lucky or not,” I say honestly. I force a smile onto my face, but I can’t help the wobble in my voice. I don’t know why I’m sad. I need to remember the good things, right?
“Being sad is okay too,” he says.
How is this man so perfect? And why are our lives so misaligned?
“Well, I guess I should tell you my news,” I say finally, forcing myself to brighten.
Leif nods. “Yes. But let’s do it somewhere else.”
I frown. “What are you thinking?”
From the way he grins, like he’s excited to show me something, I feel like he has a very specific plan. “Come on.”
Five minutes later, Leif opens the door onto the roof of the Rolling Hills with a key fob he pulls out of his wallet. All adult family members have one, he explains, in case they ever need access.
But as we step outside into the crisp winter night, my eyes go wide, because there, at the edge of the roof, close to the side of the hotel that overlooks the river, is a wood deck that’s been cleared of snow.
On it sits two Adirondack chairs, slung with huge downy blankets and pillows.
Holiday music plays from some hidden speakers nearby.
“Leif, what is this?”
“I called in a favor.”
I remember Leif’s aunt now, telling him everything was all set.
I’m so touched I’m trying not to tear up. “Your aunt owed you a favor?”
“No, my cousin Jack did. He’s the CFO, and he’s dating the events planner. This is very much her jam, apparently. All it cost me were a couple of NASA pens.”
At my raised eyebrow he says, “She collects pens, apparently.”
There are more surprises when we get to the chairs and get bundled up. An electric cooler rigged to keep things warm, and inside, a ceramic jug filled with mulled wine. A plate of Christmas cookies are also inside, warm and buttery on my tongue.
I lean back, sighing, mug of spiced wine in my hand. The lights of Quince Valley twinkle down below. Everything about tonight has been magical.
And it should make me thrilled. It does, but something painful sits in my chest, too. The knowledge that this is just one night. It’s like getting all my wishes granted, knowing it’s all going to get taken away.
When Leif meets my eyes, I wonder if he feels it too.
“What’s your news, Noelle?” he asks.
“You don’t already know it?”
“No. I didn’t search your name this year.”
My stomach flips. This implies he did last year.
I don’t ask him why he didn’t. I already know—it’s the same reason I didn’t look him up. It’s too hard.
“I got a lead role,” I say finally.
Leif grins. “Knew it.”
“There’s more.”
His eyebrows fly up. “More?”
“It’s not in a little theatre. It’s an off-Broadway play. I’m a stone’s throw away from my…” I hesitate. “My dream.” It is my dream. Right?
Leif stands up, surprising me.
As he comes to the front of my chair, my heart begins to pound.
“What?” I let out a nervous laugh.
Leif holds his hands out.
I raise mine up and he pulls me to standing. For a moment we stand toe-to-toe, our breaths intermingling in the frigid air.
“Congratulations,” he says.
Suddenly, I don’t care about the role. All I care about is the way he’s looking at me, the sparks exploding in my stomach. The way despite the cold, my body feels like it’s on fire.
“Thank you,” I say.
I start to close my eyes. But then his arms wrap around me and we’re hugging, and the disappointment I feel is so heavy my throat burns.
“You’re doing it,” he says into my hair. “Not many people say what they’re going to do and just…do it.”
“You do,” I say, my voice no more than a whisper.
He pulls away and looks down into my eyes. He brings his hand to my jaw, and just like last year, out on the balcony, I feel myself drawn to him, like every cell is calling his name.
“It was the hardest thing I ever did,” Leif said.
“What?” I whisper.
“Not look you up. Every second of every day I wanted to look you up. Every time someone mentioned a play or acting, every time I saw a picture of fucking Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer. Every time I looked up into the stars.”
“Leif,” I say as his thumb brushes my lower lip. My eyelids flutter. My skin tingles with need for him.
Leif’s Adam’s apple bobs under his scruff. “Yes, Noelle?”
“I can’t do this.”
For a moment, he doesn’t move. He just searches my eyes. “You want to.” His voice is hoarse.
“Yes,” I whisper. “But I can’t.”
He steps away, running his hand over his mouth. Then he smiles. “You’re going to be a famous actress and need to keep your prospects open, right?”
“No.” I wrap my arms around myself. “I can’t feel this way about someone I only see once a year. There won’t ever be a time we’ll be in the same place, Leif. Our dreams are too different. I mean, one day, you’re going to be in space.”
“Not into interstellar relationships. I knew it.” He’s joking, but he’s not smiling.
I will away the tears brimming in my eyes. “You deserve so much more, Leif.”
When he meets my eye, his hand reaches up like he wants to brush away the tear there, but he drops it, closing his eyes.
My heart clenches.
“Do you ever think the universe makes cruel jokes?” I ask after a moment.
“Are we a cruel joke?”
“I don’t know. Do you think our lives being this divergent is worse than Eleanor and James, finally getting to be together and even having a baby and then…”
I can’t finish the thought.
“Are you saying you think we’d be doomed no matter what?”
I swallow. “I don’t know.”
There’s a long pause, then Leif says, “I’m sorry.” His voice is tight.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about.”
“No, I shouldn’t have made this a date.”
“I wanted it to be a date. Leif, this might just have been the most magical night I’ve ever had.
” I ignore the thought that every night with him has been magical in their own way.
“But I think the next time we see each other, it should be as friends. You know? No dates. No…romance. Make it easier on us both.”
He looks away again, to the stars. Then he nods.
Part of me is disappointed, like I want him to say no. To pick me up and kiss me and take me down to one of those hotel rooms with his special fob.
But that’s not what I asked for, so I know that’s not what he’ll do.
He nods. “Of course, Noelle. Whatever you want.”
“What do you want, Leif?” I can’t keep from asking. “It’s not all about me.”
“I want you to be happy.”
“You can’t say things like that.”
He lets out a breath. “You should have been a scientist.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re more logical than me. All I want to do is kiss you and tell you everything is going to be fine. But your plan is smarter.”
I follow his gaze, to the space between the stars. “I choose to believe that somewhere out there, the two of us are together, in a place where our dreams are aligned. Where we’re not doomed.”
Leif laughs softly. “Yeah. I see it. Right there.”
It’s only when I look over at him that I see his eyes are closed, his hands clenching and unclenching at his side.