Chapter 24 #4
“Yeah, Eddie and I are going to the masquerade ball in the Spring Realm, together.” He replies bashfully.
Blessed confirmation, Wendy could kiss the sun for shining its light on the world today. “Oh how fun. And is a certain vampiric elf joining you boys?”
Hakeem reflexively brushes fingers across his lips at the thought of Jackson, which is most definitely noticed by the group. “Jackson said he was still debating, but we’re hoping he does.”
Eddie chuckles fondly at the idea, “Yeah, we really are.”
We? Hand to the lips? Jackson’s aversion to last night’s events in a way that wasn’t sad and angsty but mischievous like he was hiding something from Wendy he knew she would freak the fuck out over?
Did he? Did they? And did Eddie? Wendy’s last clue was how Jackson blushed when she mentioned Eddie and how he placed his hand to his lips at the mention of Hakeem.
“Oh. My. Gods. Jackson Nocturne, you SCOUNDREL!”
Wendy’s joyful screech is shrill and causes the entire cafe to jump and turn their towards her. “Oh my fucking gawds! I gotta go, bye!” She was gone with the wind, literally, before anyone could ask her what was wrong.
Hakeem is confused, Eddie has to get back with the drinks, and Charlie apologizes to their customers. Oswald and Bernard get their drinks from Hakeem next, say their thanks and leave. “Hakeem kissed Jackson, didn’t he?”
“Oh yes, honey bear, there is not a doubt in my mind. I think our Eddie might have stolen a peck as well.”
“You think?”
Oswald shrugs, “He can be oddly possessive, in a sweet way.”
* * *
Jackson is working at his desk when the papers he had stacked neatly to one side are blown away in a freak gust of wind.
A tray of coffee is slammed down on his desk by a very out of breath sylph brandishing a wicked smile.
“Wendy,” Jackson doesn’t even look up from his computer as he reaches for his drink, “you are far too kind. Tell me, did you have a good sparring session with Eddie?” He takes a sip of the brew, surprised it was still full despite Wendy’s apparent rush to return.
“Ah, nothing like coffee a la Hakeem to pick one up.”
“Jackson Nocturne,” Wendy breathes heavily, her face flushed as her expression remains that of crazed excitement, “you absolute scoundrel.”
Jackson idly works and sips coffee, fighting the smirk trying to grow from his lips. “Yes, I am Jackson Nocturne, but I do not believe I have earned the title of scoundrel in any of my recent adventures in this fine city.”
Wendy laughs maniacally at this point. “Don’t play coy.”
“Oh, but how I do adore the games we play.” Replies Jackson, coyly.
Wendy composes herself, breathes in deeply then out, straightens her skirt and fixes her posture. She and Jackson are friends, but the fact remains that this is a professional environment. “So, when were you going to tell me?”
“Tell you what, exactly, my dear?” He asks with a raised brow.
Oh he wants to play this game does he? That’s fine. Wendy has all the pieces to the puzzle she had dared dream to have.
“Hakeem was the cause of the break in the storm and summoned the meteor shower last night, wasn’t he?”
“Do you know anyone else as brilliant, who has access to mana that is as bountiful as mine?”
“Somehow he worked up the nerve to kiss you, didn’t he?”
Oh. Jackson was sure she hadn’t picked up on that, but no harm done. “He might have found some unseen courage after lighting up the sky to show me how he saw me.”
Finally, some new information! Jackson is just playing with Wendy, not hiding behind shifting topics.
“Eddie asked him to be his date to the ball.”
“Oh, did he?” Jackson’s smile is soft and filled with fondness at the idea, his tone hopeful. “He had mentioned wanting to. Any idea if Hakeem said yes?”
“He most definitely did.” Jackson would probably hear about this later, knowing now is just a bonus. “Did they also mention how much they would like for you to be there with them?”
Jackson’s smile fades, a tightness wrapping around his heart. “It was mentioned, I said I would think about it.”
Wendy’s composure slips away as excitement creeps its way back in, “And did you?”
Jackson rests his chin on his knuckles as he props his elbow onto his desk, his expression growing distant. “I did.”
Wendy leans in, clutching her own coffee. “And?” She widens her eyes, imploring her to go on.
Biting his cheek, Jackson avoids looking at her directly. “And what?”
Wendy huffs, “Oh for goodness-Jackson Nocturne! A lady needs time to prepare for these things. So, if i am to be the beautiful belle of the ball on your arm before you go snatch up your men I need to know. So, are we going?!”
Jackson hates to do this to his friend, but she can’t get in without the main invitation holder. “I thought about it. I’m not going after all. It’s for the best that I don’t intrude on their evening.”
Wendy inhales sharply, her expression not one of betrayal or hurt, but of disbelief and shock. “What? What do you mean you’re not going?”
“Does not going have any other meanings?”
Wendy can’t believe what she’s hearing. “You’re aware they both want you there, right?”
“I am.” Jackson’s expression is solemn, his gaze void of the light it had been filled with mere moments ago.
“Do you not want to go with them?”
“On the contrary, I’ve wanted nothing more in decades.”
Now she’s just confused, and slightly perturbed. “Then why? Why aren’t you going, Jackson?”
With a forlorn sigh, Jackson lets his gaze find Wendy’s questioning stare.
She cares about him, but that changes nothing at this time.
“Because,” his eyes warm as tears began to fill them, “I may have promised to try, genuinely try, to see myself in a better light. To not let the past stain the future I want with them. It doesn’t change the fact I am a broken man, Wendy.
Until I can feel less shattered without them.
Without running away. I don’t deserve to be with them. I don’t deserve to lo-”
Jackson’s voice catches in his throat, he blinks hard to keep the tears away. He takes a shuddering inhale, he refuses to cry in front of Wendy now, even if she wouldn’t dream of judging him for it.
“Oh, Jackson.” Wendy’s expression softens, her coffee cup lowered to the desk. She reaches a hand out towards him. “I’m sor-”
He stops her, clasping her hand between his. “It’s fine. I’m…I’ll be alright.”
Jackson lets go of Wendy’s hand, dropping into his chair with a heavy sigh.
“May I ask you to set up a bi-weekly appointment with a therapist? I don’t trust myself to not keep putting it off.
If I am to seriously work on myself, I need to face the darkest parts of me head on.
I cannot do it alone, nor will I drag any of my friends into it.
I need a professional, and maybe someday I can allow myself to let them in more. ”
Wendy wants to argue, no longer caring about the ball.
She knows what it would mean if Jackson did go.
It would mean he was letting himself be cared for by other people, intimately and for the realms to see.
It would mean letting himself be truly happy, no longer burdened by a past even she didn’t fully know.
She knew he lost someone he loved once, and carried that guilt with him for decades since.
This is not something she could or should force.
“Do you know if your old therapist would still be active? I know it’s been a while but better the devil you know they say.”
Jackson waves her away, “Potentially. I’ll send you the name if you can handle the rest. I just need to focus on the tasks on hand. Thank you, Wendy.”
Wendy wants to do more, but even as amazing as she is at her job, this is beyond her. “Anything I can do to help, Jackson. If you’ll excuse me.” She bows out of the room, leaving Jackson with his thoughts, sniffling.
There is no nagging voice, nothing taunting him for his choices.
He had grown fond of Eddie and Hakeem. In fact, he wants nothing more than to go to the ball.
For all to see the men who had become his peace and dance in their arms till the world crumbled away.
The more he yearned to go, the more the void in him threatened to grow.
That evening could end in one of two ways.
Either the three of them would be together, or Jackson would lose control for the last time and nothing would stop them from seeing him as a monster.
It’s thoughts like those that prove that Jackson isn’t ready for that kind of commitment.
Whether it be guilt or fear holding him back, Jackson doesn’t want Eddie and Hakeem’s first date to be ruined by his presence.
It would be for the best if he just stayed away for the time being.
It’s safe at the apartment, he doesn’t have to put on an act, exhausting himself for the sake of reputation and standing.
This doesn’t mean losing them, it meant making sure he didn’t.
Live your life well, for both of us.
Shit, it wasn’t a taunting voice that haunted Jackson. It was the final words of the man he once loved. Why were Ravi’s words coming to him now? He can’t stop the tears overflowing. He wants to go, to be happy. Is he truly allowed to? Could he truly permit himself?
Jackson wipes his tears with his sleeve. He just needs to get better, to be better before he can be worthy of them.
You already are, and I cannot wait for you to see that for yourself.
Now Eddie’s voice from the night they fixed the grimoire dance in his mind. His firm gaze, unwavering kindness and grounding presence.
Never forget how I see you.
Hakeem’s voice resonates sweetly in his heart. The undeniable honesty and adoration that laced his words settles deep within.