23 #2
The video is excellent, and I can see why he was so excited to work with Maddie because she is funny, articulate and a natural in front of the camera.
She is the perfect presenter for the show, and I can see from Simon’s face that he is chuffed at what they created together.
The editing is sharp, crisp and it has a professional, contemporary feel to it, which is heightened with some quality music.
It is a brilliant piece of filmmaking, but unfortunately, it’s hard to really enjoy it because the whole time I am sitting next to Jemma, who keeps looking at me with an expression of concern.
Finally, the video ends, we all clap, the curtains are opened, and Jemma asks me if we can have a chat in my bedroom.
I agree, and as we walk out of the room, everyone is watching us with looks of trepidation on their faces.
It feels like I am walking to the gallows, although obviously with far less dire or final consequences.
I close the door behind us, and before I can speak, Jemma says.
‘What’s going on, Benji? Who is your Australian friend and why was everyone being so weird about it?’
Jemma is many things, but perceptive is near the top of the list. Although everyone was being so obviously strange about the whole thing, it wouldn’t have required Sherlock Holmes, or indeed any fictional detective, to figure it out. We sit on my bed. Here goes nothing.
‘Jem, I should have told you about Saskia before, but I wasn’t really sure how to describe our relationship.’
‘Relationship?’ says Jemma, clearly confused. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Not like that. Not relationship in the, you know, girlfriend, boyfriend sense of the word relationship. Not like a romantic relationship. I should probably stop saying relationship so much because it’s getting super weird.
Right, so this is what happened,’ I say, and then I go on to tell her all about Saskia, how we met because of a silly incorrect email, how we began emailing, FaceTiming and what has happened since.
I explain that we have a connection, we get on, but also that nothing is going to happen because she lives in Australia, so she doesn’t have to worry about it.
It’s just a strange thing in my life I can’t explain, but I hope she is okay with it.
After a moment of tense silence, Jemma turns to me and asks me the most awkward, difficult to answer question I can think of – and probably the exact question I would have asked her if our roles were reversed.
‘But if she were here in London, do you think you’d be together?’
‘But she’s not, Jem.’
‘But if she was Benji, would you and I be together?’
This is an impossible question to answer because I don’t know the answer.
Would Jemma and I still be together if Saskia were in London?
Maybe not, but it’s a what if. What if Saffy wasn’t so awful, or Cressida wasn’t so emotionally damaged, or Annabelle didn’t consider every date a job interview, would Jemma and I still be together?
You can’t play ‘what if’ scenarios like that because every single one could change the outcome of your life?
Every other relationship could have altered my future with Jemma, but I understand why she has to ask.
‘The honest answer is, I don’t know,’ I say, and this is when Jemma starts to cry.
To clarify, Jemma isn’t much of a crier.
She does cry, obviously, but she isn’t the sort of highly strung emotional person who tears up at the drop of a hat.
Once at university, we spent an entire evening watching Comic Relief together, and while she commented on how sad it was when they cut to the short films about the starving children in Africa, I was in floods.
Fortunately, the comedy kept me just about on the right side of keeping my dignity.
‘Jem, I am with you. I want to be with you, and she is ten thousand miles away.’
‘But you wish she wasn’t,’ says a teary Jemma.
‘But it’s irrelevant because she isn’t here, and you are.’
‘But don’t you see, Benji, it doesn’t matter. You clearly have feelings for her.’
She stops and looks at me, her face full of sadness, and her eyes wet from the tears, and I want to tell her that I don’t have feelings for Saskia, but that would be a lie.
‘Jem, I—’
‘It’s either her or me, Benji.’
‘Sorry, what?’
‘It’s her or me.’
‘What are you saying?’
‘Either you choose me, or you choose her. You can’t have both of us in your life.
I know it might sound a bit over the top, but I can’t be with you if the whole time we’re together you’re also FaceTiming with another person I know you like.
It isn’t fair to me, and honestly, it isn’t fair to Saskia either. So, what’s it going to be?’
I can’t believe I have to answer this question now because I’m not ready.
It’s a fair enough request from Jemma, but how am I supposed to respond?
Can I never speak with Saskia again? We have only known each other for a couple of months, but she already feels like such an important part of my life.
I look forward to our FaceTime dates and the messages we send each other almost daily.
Sometimes she will send me a photo of something in Sydney that made her laugh, and without question, it will make me laugh too.
I know all about her relationship issues with Jess, her boyfriend Brad and strange Brian.
I know about her dad dying of cancer, how much it messed her up, and that she works in a care home for the elderly.
She told me all about Lou Sanders, and that he has asked on multiple occasions to see her tits, but she’s worried about him and will be sad when he’s gone.
I’ve heard her sing and know how much she wants to make a career out of it.
I know she is afraid of heights, hates the noise of people eating in public, and loves coffee, fresh strawberries and the sound of waves hitting the beach in the morning.
We have shared the most intimate details of our lives with each other, and the thought of just stopping feels impossible.
But I don’t want to lose Jemma. She’s my girlfriend, she’s here, and we might have a real future together.
Saskia is in Australia, and realistically, is there even a chance we could make it work?
I don’t want to answer her question, but I know that I have to.
I look at her and then I say the first thing that comes to mind, and it breaks my heart into a million pieces.