26
Saskia
I am walking towards the pub to meet Jess, and I have sweaty palms and heart palpitations like I am going on a blind date.
I don’t get this nervous before I’m about to go on stage, but I have no idea what to expect from Jess.
Will she be aggressive, ready for a fight, or will she be, like me, an emotional mess who just needs a good hug?
After I tried FaceTiming with Ben, I eventually got a message from him saying he wants to FaceTime tomorrow – on my birthday.
It’s weird, but it feels like something has happened to him or between us.
I know he has a girlfriend now, and I have Brad, but it feels like he’s pulling away from me.
Maybe he’s just bored with me. I hope not because I love having Beno in my life, and despite dating Brad, I want to keep talking with Ben.
I reach the pub and stand outside for a moment. I take a deep breath, close my eyes and say these words in my head: Please let this be okay . Then, I open my eyes and walk inside.
The pub is on George Street, slap bang in the middle of the CBD, so it’s busy, but it doesn’t take me long to find Jess, who is already sitting down at a table with a glass of white wine.
The moment she sees me, she stands up. I walk across and I’m standing there, and she is standing opposite me, and we’re just looking at each other.
Please let this be okay . Then it happens.
Jess starts to cry, and because she starts to cry, I start to cry, and then we fall into each other, hugging and talking in high-pitched, incoherent voices.
‘I’m so sorry. I was horrible to you,’ says Jess.
‘I’m sorry, too. I didn’t handle it well, and I know you only want me to be happy.’
‘I do just want you to be happy, Sas, but I was a bitch, and the things I said to you were the worst. I have missed you heaps.’
‘I have missed you heaps,’ I reply, and we keep hugging, crying, and everyone else in the pub probably thinks we are absolutely mental, but I don’t care. Eventually, we untangle ourselves, wiping our faces, before we smile at each other and then we both laugh.
‘I’m so sorry,’ says Jess as we sit down. ‘Even Az said I was a bitch that night.’
‘Why didn’t you call me?’
‘Because I was worried you wouldn’t want a bar of me. That I had gone too far and lost you forever.’
‘But it’s us. We’ve been mates all our lives.’
‘I know, and I’m really sorry about what I said about your dad. That was totally not on, and what I said about your singing—’
‘But do you believe that, Jess? That I’m just wasting my time?’
‘No, of course not. You’re a fucking ace singer, Sas. I don’t know, maybe I was just on my period, but please can we just forget about it because I have so much to tell you?’
‘Me too. Let me get a drink first, and then—’
‘No way, you stay there, I’m getting the drinks in,’ says Jess, before she strides off towards the bar, and I am so relieved.
My heart was racing, and I felt physically sick before I spoke with Jess, but now, finally, I can relax.
We are going to be okay. She returns with a glass of wine for me and another for her, and we both take a sip of our drinks before we put them down and look across the table at each other.
‘Let’s not ever argue again,’ I say.
‘Agreed! I have missed you heaps, Sas. I love Az, but he’s shit at girl talk.’
I laugh. ‘Poor Az.’
‘Poor me.’
‘So, catch me up. What’s been going on with you? I want all the goss.’
‘We lost the house in Avalon.’
‘What?’
‘Someone else came in after we had our offer accepted and offered way more. Az reckons it was probably investors. Anyway, we couldn’t match it, so we lost it.’
‘That’s shit, sorry, Jess. Aaron must be devo.’
‘Yeah, he was a bit, but we’ve found another house.’
‘Where?’
‘You’ll like this. It’s in Dee Why, so it’s much closer than Avalon.
It’s an old house that needs a lot of work.
An old woman lived there for like fifty years with her husband, he carked it a few years ago, and she basically let it go to shit.
Plus, she was a hoarder. We need to gut the whole place and start again from scratch, but it’s awesome.
It’s a five-minute walk to the beach, a ten-minute drive to Manly, and I can be here in like forty minutes. ’
‘That’s great, Jess. I’m so happy for you guys, and Dee Why is so much better. I dated a bloke from Dee Why once. The one with all the tattoos.’
‘Oh yeah, I remember him. Dylan something, right?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Whatever happened to him?’
‘We broke up because he was really into porn. Like really, really into porn.’
‘What sort of porn?’
‘Really big women and very small men. It was quite niche.’
‘Gross.’
‘Yeah.’
‘Speaking of gross, what’s happening with you and Brad?’ says Jess, and I give her an expression of disapproval. ‘Sorry, too soon?’
I laugh. ‘Brad and I are still together, and it’s good. We did a cold plunge bath and a sauna yesterday. Oh, you’ll love this. He calls me babe, and I call him boo.’
‘Sorry, I just need to step outside so I can vom all over the place.’
‘I know it’s gross, but we’re exclusively together and happy. Will you be all right with it?’
‘In time, yeah. What’s happening with the English boy?’
‘Beno?’
‘Yeah, I thought you and Beno were really into each other.’
‘We were, but it feels weird at the moment. I think because when we met, we were both single, but now he’s seeing someone, and I’m with Brad.
It leaves us sort of nowhere. We can’t be together, and talking to him feels weird with a boyfriend, but I don’t want it to stop.
I don’t know, Jess. I’m thirty tomorrow, and I feel like there’s so much I need to sort out. ’
‘You and me both. So, tomorrow is the big day. Is the Fudge Cake gig still on?’
‘I’m on at nine.’
‘Az and I can’t wait. Are you nervous?’
‘A bit.’
‘You’re going to kill it,’ says Jess, and we talk for two hours, rattling off conversation after conversation, drinking another glass of wine each, and getting some food, before eventually we leave the pub and walk back towards her flat together.
It feels so good to be us again. We are part of each other, and we need each other.
When we get back to her flat, she invites me in, but I tell her I need to get back home. I want to have another practice before tomorrow night, and Brian mentioned something about a special Columbian birthday cake he has made for me – coconut pudding?
‘Happy birthday for tomorrow. I’ll call you in the morning,’ says Jess.
‘Okay. See you tomorrow night?’
‘When you finally make it to the big time!’
‘Fingers crossed. Oh, and Brad’s coming, so play nice.’
‘I always play nice, Sas. You know me.’
‘That’s the problem. I do. At least be polite.’
‘You have my word. Love you.’
‘Love you, too,’ I reply, and then we hug, holding each other tightly, before she walks inside her building, and I walk off towards the bus to start my short journey home to Glebe.
Tomorrow is my thirtieth birthday, and it feels so strange and surreal.
There were moments during my twenties when time seemed to be going so slowly, and I wanted to fast-forward to a time when my life felt better, more together, and the pain of losing Dad wouldn’t feel so visceral.
I honestly didn’t think it would take this long, but now those long days, weeks, months and years after losing Dad, when life and the pursuit of happiness felt impossible, feel like a lifetime ago.
I haven’t forgotten about Dad, and I can still feel the pain if I let it in, and there are days when it grabs me and won’t let go, but I also know that life has moved on.
I’m not in the same place I was. Tomorrow feels like a big day.
Thirty! I had my first cold plunge yesterday, I am performing in front of Fudge Cake, and who knows what next week will hold.
It’s almost Christmas, and as I walk through the streets of Sydney, a little buzzed from the wine, I am happy. Then I get a text from Joe Thompson.
Can’t wait for tomorrow night. You, me, Fudge Cake. After party? xxx
If there is one way to kill a buzz, it’s getting a text from Joe, but maybe after tomorrow, that little annoying problem will go away too.
I am FaceTiming with Ben in the morning, and I am excited to finally speak with him.
It’s usually the other way around, and it is nighttime for me and the morning for him, but because it’s my birthday and the gig, we’re FaceTiming early.
I need to set my alarm – on my birthday!
No lie-in, but I get to see Ben, and I can’t think of a better way to kick off the next decade of my life.