34
Saskia
‘We should make him a funny sign for the airport,’ says Hugh. ‘Something like, Welcome Home Ben You Muppet!’
‘Or Why Didn’t You Let Her Know You Were Coming!’ suggests Simon.
‘What do you think, Saskia?’ says Poppy, but the truth is, I’m not really listening.
We’re in the pub, having a last-minute drink before we head to the airport to get Ben.
It has been four days since he got to Sydney, and he finally found a flight back again.
We have spoken on FaceTime every day, and it has given me time to do some sightseeing in London and get to know Ben’s family and friends.
Everyone is so lovely, and they have made me feel right at home.
Simon and Abigail have been the best, and I have spent a lot of time with them.
Simon was doing research for a new video, and so I spent one of the days with him, exploring London, eating, drinking, and it was such a brilliant day – despite the weather!
Fortunately, Abigail leant me a proper British coat that is warm, and I bought a woolly hat and gloves, which have helped heaps.
I just can’t wait to see Ben. Even though I have enjoyed spending time in London, it has felt like I’m just waiting for the moment he arrives.
‘Sorry, my mind was somewhere else,’ I reply.
‘We were just saying,’ says Hugh, ‘we should make a funny sign for the airport.’
‘Yeah, sounds good,’ I say, but all I can really think about is the moment when he comes walking out of arrivals and we get to meet for the first time.
I don’t know if Ben had time before he left to have a clean and a tidy, but his bedroom is spotless.
I dread the thought of him in my bedroom in Glebe because I didn’t have time for a clean and tidy up.
I didn’t have time to hide all my old lady underwear, the sort of undies I only let boyfriends see after about six months.
Hopefully, Mum had the thought to have a clean-up before Ben arrived, change the sheets on my bed and do my washing.
Sleeping in Ben’s bed, it smells like him, which is strange because I have seen him online, we know so much about each other, but the one thing you don’t get over FaceTime is the smell of someone and it’s so visceral.
It really makes you feel close to that person in a way that other senses don’t.
I know it’s just the smell of his aftershave and deodorant, but it’s him.
I had a look through his wardrobe, running my hand along the selection of shirts, the suit jackets and the jumpers that were hanging up.
It’s weird getting to experience his life without him in it.
It’s like I’m getting a small glimpse into the real Ben before I meet actual Ben.
‘I suppose we should make a move,’ says Will, finishing his pint. ‘You’re driving, Poppy?’
‘Yes, but we can’t all fit in my car. Not with Ben and his luggage.’
‘I can drive, too,’ says Abigail.
‘Right, I can bring Hugh, obviously, Will?’ replies Poppy.
‘Sure,’ says Will.
‘I’ll bring Simon and Saskia,’ says Abigail, and with that all the arrangements to get to Heathrow Airport have been made.
Ben’s flight arrives at 6:30pm, but he probably won’t get out of arrivals until after seven o’clock.
I have already checked the flight status, and it’s on time.
I have a flight tracker on my phone, so I can literally see where he is in the world, which is strange.
I can watch him getting closer and closer to me.
We all leave the pub, get into our cars, and start the drive to Heathrow along frozen roads.
All the fields next to the road are covered with a white frost, and the whole place feels so cold, but inside my body it is alive with heat, love and it feels like I’m going to explode.
Although the good news is that the Russian polar vortex is moving on, and it’s supposed to be getting a bit warmer, but with the warmer temperatures it’s also going to get wetter.
It feels like a constant trap here, but everyone seems okay with it.
It’s either fucking freezing or slightly warmer and wet.
Apparently, according to Abigail, now and then in winter, you’ll get a gloriously perfect day when the sun comes out, and everyone is happy.
All I could think when she said that was, just one day?
In Sydney, even in the depths of winter, we get plenty of warm, sunny days, and obviously in summer it’s pretty much hot all the time.
It has got me thinking about what Ben and I are going to do because if we want to be together, we can’t exactly have a long-distance relationship, can we?
Either Ben moves to Australia, or I move to London, and with Ben having a successful career in London, and me not up too much in Sydney, it makes me think that the most logical conclusion is that I move here.
But having been here for just a few days, I am already wondering if I can do it.
Can I deal with this awful weather? I know it’s winter, probably the worst time to come, and I’m sure once spring arrives and then summer, it’s a completely different place.
I know a lot of Aussies live in London, so if they can all manage it, then surely, I can too, right?
But I also love Sydney. It’s my home. The weather is great, the beaches are beautiful, and I have all my family and friends.
Can I just leave, knowing how far away I’ll be living?
It’s a terrifying thought, but also, I want to be with Ben.
At least, I do right now. I am also worried about what if we meet, spend a few days together, and it isn’t quite the dream it is in my head?
What if he has some annoying habits, the sexual chemistry just isn’t there, or what if he pronounces it expresso instead of espresso?
I know it’s just a minor thing, but how annoying is that?
‘How are you feeling?’ says Simon, turning around to talk to me in the back of the car. Abigail is driving an old Volkswagen Golf that seems to be on its last legs.
‘Nervous.’
‘I bet. Although Ben is awesome.’
‘Yeah, he is.’
‘Have you thought about the first thing you’re going to say to him?’ asks Abigail.
‘Other than why the fuck didn’t you tell me you were coming?’ chips in Simon.
‘To be fair, I didn’t tell him I was coming either. I guess we both enjoy surprises!’
‘I don’t know about that,’ says Simon. ‘Ben is usually a play it safe, go with the odds kind of bloke.’
‘You’re the first girl who has made him do something crazy and spontaneous,’ says Abigail.
‘I guess that’s a good sign, right?’ I say. ‘Although it ended up with him flying across the world and back within a week, so maybe he’ll think twice about being so spontaneous again.’
‘Or maybe it means it’s true love!’ says Abigail.
‘I hope so,’ I reply. ‘And in answer to your question, I have thought about it, but I literally have no idea what my first words will be.’
Abigail keeps driving on towards Heathrow Airport.
The traffic is moving slowly, which is probably because of the weather, and I am trying to keep myself together because this is a big moment.
What will our first words be? Will we kiss right away?
Will it be awkward? What if he’s one of those blokes who uses far too much tongue?
I have no idea what to expect, but I’m also excited to see him, intrigued about what it’s going to be like to just hold him in my arms, and what will happen tonight?
Will we sleep together on the first night?
The words of the Scottish lady on the plane come back to me.
Make him wait. Make him long for you because it’s the longing, dear, the sweet taste of desire that keeps them wanting more and more.
The thing is that this has never been who I am.
I don’t mind jumping into bed on the first date, but this has generally always been my problem too.
It’s probably why I’m still single at thirty and my list of ex-boyfriends reads like a who’s who of dating disasters.
I am spontaneous and often make terrible choices after a few drinks, but I am trying to be better.
I’m thirty now, and as Mum keeps reminding me, it’s time to grow up.
Maybe I need to take things slowly with Ben, lay the foundations of our relationship before we start experimenting with sexual positions, but then again, it feels like we have already waited so long for this.
We get to the airport, park, and everyone gets out and we start walking towards arrivals.
In the end, they decided against making a sign because despite the humorous possibilities, it was more work than anyone wanted to do.
We get to arrivals, and Hugh immediately wanders off, while I go with Abigail, and we get a coffee.
After the pub, I feel like I need a little pick me up.
Not that adrenalin isn’t already running around my body because it is, but honestly despite being here for five days, I am still feeling the jetlag.
I haven’t been sleeping well, and I am waking up at odd hours of the day and night in Ben’s bed.
We get a coffee and then we congregate around arrivals.
After a minute, Hugh comes walking across with a smile on his face, holding a bag of sweets.
‘What’s that?’ asks Poppy.
‘A bag of Percy Pigs. I thought Ben might have been missing home, and what else says England better than a bag of Percy Pigs!’
‘He’s been gone for less than a week!’ says Will.
‘But still, it’s Percy Pigs!’ says Hugh, and I have no idea what Percy Pigs are and why they’re clearly so important to Hugh, but he’s excited about it.
I look up at the arrivals board, and his flight is due to land any minute.
Ben will soon be back on British soil, and I am starting to feel really nervous.
It’s crazy to think that over the past week, Ben has flown all the way to Australia and back again, but at least he got to see a little bit of Sydney while he was there.
He sent me a bunch of photos of him and Brian – who took a day and showed Ben all around Sydney, which was so kind of him.
He sent me photos of himself at the Opera House, under the Harbour Bridge, at Bondi Beach and eating a meat pie at Harry’s Cafe de Wheels in Woolloomooloo.
He met Jess and Aaron at a pub in the Rocks, and Jess messaged me and gave her approval.
It was insane to see photos of Ben in Sydney without me, and it makes me long for the day when I can show him around myself.
Ben’s plane has landed, and the excitement is building.
People slowly start walking out, and we’re all trying to spot Ben.
I can’t speak though because I feel like one tiny thing will push me over the emotional edge.
My whole body feels alive, my heart is racing, and my palms are clammy.
I’m waiting, watching and then I see him.
My heart immediately falls into my stomach, and I feel sick, and then it rises up and overwhelms me with excitement.
I have no idea what I am going to do. I have no idea what he is going to do.
I have seen him, but he hasn’t yet seen me.
Fortunately, I don’t have to wait long. He’s walking, pulling his suitcase behind him, and his eyes fall on me.
‘It’s Ben!’ says Abigail.
‘Ben!’ screams Poppy.
‘This is so exciting!’ says Hugh. ‘I feel like I am literally in a film!’
Something comes over me and I stop thinking, worrying about first words, first kisses and I run towards him. I just want to be with him, feel him for the first time, and yes, I want to kiss him! I run straight up to him. He’s smiling, I’m smiling, and he puts his bag down.
‘Hi,’ says Ben.
‘Hi.’
We’re a foot away from each other. After all this time, we are finally in the same place at the same time, and he’s even better looking in real life. He might not be as aesthetically perfect as Brad, not as tall or as tanned, but he’s Ben – the love of my life.
‘I—’ says Ben.
‘Don’t say anything,’ I say quickly, and then I move closer, the space between us disappearing, and then I lean forward and let my lips fall against his.
My arms are around him and his arms are around me, and we kiss for the first time and all my worries, thoughts, and the rest of the world fall away because this is incredible.
This is our first kiss, and I want to remember it forever.
It’s everything I wanted it to be and more.
It’s Ben. It’s me. And whatever happens next, whatever we decide to do, I know that this is it.
This is the love story I always dreamed of.
When Dad was in hospice, in one of his more lucid moments, I remember I was sitting next to him, and he reached across and held my hand and said.
‘One day, Sassie, you’re going to meet the love of your life.
I wish I could be there to meet him, to see you happy and in love, but I can’t.
Instead, when it happens, I want you to remember this.
Cherish the moment. Love is the most precious thing in the world, and when you find it, hold on to it and never let it go. ’
I have often thought of those words, and it isn’t until I kiss Ben that I truly understand the sort of love he was talking about.
This isn’t like other kisses I’ve had. This is otherworldly.
It transports me to a different place, another time, and I feel every emotion possible as our lips come together, pressed against each other, and I know this is it.
Eventually, we pull apart, still with our arms wrapped around each other, and I look deep into his eyes.
‘What now?’ says Ben.
I leave a pause and then I say to him.
‘Let’s go home.’