Chapter 10
10
Harry resumed the film and Joe came to life again, nodding slightly to someone off camera to indicate that he was ready to begin speaking. Deedee pulled her lips in over her teeth to steel herself and leaned forward slightly as she watched Joe push up the sleeves of his sky-blue-and-white pinstriped cotton shirt, as if preparing himself. He leaned forward too with his elbows resting on the sides of the armchair like he was mirroring her, and it was uncanny having this kind of intimacy again without him actually being here. She scanned his face, his body language, searching for clues of what he was about to say. Would it be good or bad? Whatever it was, it looked serious, going by the set of Joe’s jawline and the flickering vein on the side of his neck.
Darling Deedee, I’m going to start by saying that if you are watching this then happy birthday my love and congratulations on making it to seventy. I wish with all my heart that I was there with you to celebrate and I’m sorry I didn’t make it. But neither of us knows how long I really have and there’s a slim chance that you will never see this movie because I’m still there with you to tell you all about this in person. But if not, then here goes…
Joe paused before pushing a hand through his hair, as he always had when wondering what to say next. And even though her jumble of concerning, confusing, speculative and downright wild thoughts were racing off the scale right now, Deedee’s heart still ached for him. She could see the burden hanging on his shoulders as he dipped his head momentarily as if rallying himself in order to be able to continue. But still, she couldn’t read him enough to work out where he was going with this. He definitely looked nervous, but she guessed anyone might when making a movie to be seen after they died. No matter what it revealed. And Deedee sincerely hoped this wasn’t a confessional, an unburdening of some kind, as Joe had been a kind, good man and nothing like her first or second husbands. She knew it deep down. But still, she had been a terrible judge of character in the past too, so a little part of her would always cast doubt on her own judgement. But even if he had messed up, made a mistake of some kind then she hated the thought of him carrying the burden alone because at the end of the day, she had loved him with all of her heart, and he had been dying when he made this film. She would never have wanted him to go with guilt and regret in his heart when he would have had her forgiveness, without a doubt. Not that infidelity was OK, of course not, but sometimes, extenuating circumstances had to be considered, and when your husband was facing impending death that was definitely a pretty good reason for not going completely ballistic and ending a twenty-year marriage.
A while ago – and before I found out that I am dying – I finally achieved my goal of buying my old childhood home in Haven Harbor in the Hamptons. I was planning to secretly renovate it, then I had been hoping to surprise you with it as a gift, for our long and happy retirement together.
Joe’s voice wobbled with emotion. He coughed to clear his throat as a cover for it before continuing and Deedee moved a hand to the gold necklace he had gifted her, and that she always wore as it gave her comfort. Twiddling the heart drop pendant, she held her breath as he carried on talking. Wishing again that she had known at the time he was making this movie, so she could have comforted him, supported him. Looking at Joe now on the screen, he looked so alone and vulnerable, and she thought how brave he had been to do this.
Now don’t get excited, darling. I’m sure you remember me talking about my childhood home. It is just a modest, two-bed, two-bath place, and definitely not one of those super luxe mega mansions. But it is a quaint little weatherboard house set in a secluded part of the beach, somewhere that’s perfect for putting your feet up and relaxing in. Of course, when we got the diagnosis, I put the plans for the house on hold, as I didn’t want to burden you with the worry and hassle of having to oversee the renovation after I’m gone, so it was forgotten about until Harry said it needed to be in the will. So that’s when I came up with the surprise idea to gift the house to you on your seventieth birthday, so you might still get to enjoy it. I figured you wouldn’t be retiring any time soon before then, darling, unless of course you’ve stopped acting on impulse and seeking thrills these days. Maybe you’ve slowed down and opted for a quiet life. Maybe you don’t have it in you any more to pursue a new project now that you’re a mature lady of seventy !
Joe winked and gave her a tongue-in-cheek grin. Deedee smiled and lifted her eyebrows in response, just as she would have when he was alive and looking to get a rise from her. He always did know how to ruffle her feathers and the playful banter they had enjoyed together was just one of the trillion or so things she loved about him, so it felt like pure joy to have a moment of it once again.
But seriously, I bet you’re kicking and screaming at being seventy, you never did like the idea of ageing. Instead feeling forever young! And good for you. Deedee, your energy and zest for life is one of the things I’ve always loved about you. So maybe you still have no plans to retire and can accept the gift as a bolthole, a holiday home instead then, and there are funds in a trust to cover the renovation work, whenever you’re ready and up to tackling it. Darling, whatever you decide, please enjoy the home, make it your own and I hope you find happiness within it. I’m just so incredibly sorry to not be there with you to enjoy the long and happy retirement that we had planned and dreamed of doing together.
Joe’s voice faltered and a solitary tear slid down his face, which he quickly brushed away. Deedee ran her tongue over her top lip, only realising then that salty tears were tumbling down her cheeks too. She attempted to open the packet of tissues, but her fingers fumbled and so Rosie silently helped her out before handing a tissue to her. Deedee dabbed her face dry but carried on staring at the screen, not wanting to miss a moment of Joe, wishing she hadn’t been horrible and cynical, to have doubted him with wondering what secrets he had kept from her. Because this was the most thoughtful gift she could ever be given. Joe had always been a planner, and so it was no surprise that he would have their retirement plans taken care of, but to still do this, just for her, without him was incredibly kind.
Joe had often talked about his happy childhood, growing up with his parents in a wooden, weatherboard beach house by the harbour, the magic of it and the sadness too when everything changed abruptly when his dad died and his mum got laid off from the shop where she worked, and so couldn’t afford the rent. The landlord refused to make any allowances, to give Joe’s grieving mum any time to find other employment and so they lost the house. It was a long time ago and things were different back then, especially for women, but still, Deedee had thought it cruel when Joe first told her about it. He had been a senior in high school at the time, almost eighteen, but had to transfer to a place in the Bronx, when they went there to live with his grandmother. Joe had often tried to buy the beach house, he saw it as coming full circle and making things right for his family, he felt he owed it to his mum to at least try to right the wrong. But the landlord would never sell and then when he died, his family held on to the house too. It had always been an issue for Joe, something he needed to fix and so Deedee knew how much this would have meant to him. The joy he would have felt on finally being able to own the beach house outright, knowing that nobody would be able to throw him out from it again. Only he was no longer here to enjoy this lifelong ambition. Deedee’s heart ached even harder for him as she inwardly vowed to cherish the house and take care of it on his behalf.
Harry will take care of all the details, give you the keys, the deeds, the address etc. and I know seeing me here, watching this movie, will be hard for you which is why I didn’t want you viewing it on your own, perhaps with nobody by your side to support you. Or maybe you do have someone else with you by now? And on that note…
Joe paused and looked directly at the camera.
Dee, please don’t put your heart and happiness on hold for me, out of some sense of loyalty. The love we have built together, and our marriage, these things will always be forever. But darling, please promise me you’ll stay open to finding love again. There are all kinds of love in this world but “never the same love twice”, which I know sounds very profound, but I can’t take credit for it, as it’s a direct quote from F. Scott Fitzgerald… the famous American novelist and someone I thought you may take more notice of than me. But really what I mean is – our love will always be unique and you finding new love when I’m gone won’t ever diminish that.
Joe stopped talking and looked downward slightly before back to her, as if directly into her eyes as he pressed the tip of his index finger to his lips and blew her a discreet kiss. Deedee’s heart immediately melted into a molten river before beating back together in a bittersweet spasm of sorrow. She folded a hand into a fist and brought it to her chest as if catching the kiss. Smiling, she then reciprocated and touched the tip of her own finger to her lips and blew a kiss right back to him.
So, my love, I’m going to end this little movie now and just say, I hope you are living well, that you are happy, and your light is dazzling as bright as it always did. But most of all, I want to say thank you. Thank you for giving me your heart. I know it wasn’t easy for you to do that in the beginning after all the heartbreak you had been through before. So thank you for letting me love you. Our love story is the best thing that ever happened to me, the greatest achievement of my life.
Joe stopped talking and let out a long puff of air as if releasing all the seriousness to lighten the mood. Silence followed. He pressed his hands together, nodded and then smiled to the person off camera to signal that he was good to go again and so ended the movie with one last message for Deedee.
Now, go and enjoy the beach house. Trust me, my love, it’s a magical place, dance on the sand, let the warm wind whip your hair and think of me there.