Chapter 44
44
Thankfully, between me and Tiggy, we managed to find an upmarket nightclub with a free booth for Seph’s impromptu hen party – or ‘bridal shower’ as she is calling it.
Thankfully Seph approves – well, with crushed-velvet seats and a rope separating us from everyone else here, I’m sure she feels right at home.
Seph lounges back in her seat next to me, eventually resting her head on my shoulder. She’s clutching a pina colada like it’s the last liquid on earth – her, I don’t know, sixth, I think.
‘I can’t believe you’ve dragged me to a club on the night before my wedding,’ she says. ‘This is so, so not me any more.’
‘Are you not having a good time?’ Tiggy asks her as she sips her champagne – it takes a lot more than six drinks to get Tiggy off balance.
‘I am… loving it,’ Seph says, building suspense into her sentence. ‘Aren’t you, Eleanor?’
‘Of course,’ Eleanor replies, although I suspect she’s annoyed because Seph and I are getting along.
‘I used to be fun,’ Seph says, slurring her words. ‘In fact, do you want to see my party trick?’
‘Always,’ Tiggy replies.
I don’t know who is the most stunned as Seph climbs up onto the round table in front of us and starts dancing.
‘See, I’ve got moves,’ she calls back.
‘You really do,’ I reply, stunned. ‘But we don’t want you hurting yourself before your wedding, so maybe come back down, yeah?’
‘I thought you were the fun sister,’ she teases as she joins us.
‘Right, come the fuck on, Lana, what’s the deal with you and Ethan?’ Tiggy asks. ‘We’re all dying to know.’
‘There’s no deal,’ I insist.
‘You two clearly really like each other,’ Seph points out.
‘Even if you’re trying to pretend you don’t, for some silly reason,’ Eleanor adds. You can tell she wants to get involved but that she also doesn’t want to give me the satisfaction, so her words come out through gritted teeth.
‘I do like him, of course I do,’ I reply. ‘It’s just… it’s a strange feeling. I don’t really understand it.’
‘What do you mean?’ Tiggy asks.
‘Well, sometimes I like him, sometimes I want to kill him,’ I begin. ‘Sometimes it feels good, sometimes scary, sometimes I feel physically sick, like something is wrong with me. I get this heavy feeling in my stomach.’
‘Not lower?’ Tiggy jokes.
‘Ah, I know that that is,’ Seph says seriously. ‘I’ve had that before – I have it now, actually, I don’t think there’s a cure.’
Oh, God, don’t tell me it’s some hereditary family illness that I’ve been cursed with.
‘Is it hard to breathe properly sometimes too?’ she checks.
‘Shit…’ I say softly. ‘Yes.’
‘Don’t look so worried,’ she says with a laugh. ‘You’re not ill, you’re in love.’
‘Oh,’ I say simply. ‘No. No, no, no. It’s not that.’
‘I think it might be, cuz,’ Tiggy says, wincing.
‘They are all of the classic signs,’ Seph says. ‘Have you never been in love before?’
‘No,’ I say. ‘Is that… Is that really…? Oh, God. What do I do?’
‘You have to go and tell him, you silly goose,’ Seph says. ‘Go, now, get it over with today, don’t do it at my wedding.’
No, we mustn’t forget the most important thing.
‘Go,’ Tiggy tells me. ‘You have your diagnosis; your prescription says that you need to tell him. I’ll take care of these two. Go, figure it out, but just be bloody happy.’
I smile at her.
‘Okay, sure, I’ll go figure it out,’ I reply.
I will go, back to the house, but… am I really going to tell Ethan I love him? Do I love him? I like him, a lot, but none of this changes the fact that we are incompatible, does it?
I’m going to head back to the house, mostly because I feel too flat out to party now. This should feel like a good thing, surely? If so, then why does it feel so bad? I am definitely not ready to tell Ethan I love him, if I even do, but I do need to say something to him, because it feels like limbo right now.
I guess I’ll just have to hope the words come to me when I need them. And that they don’t trigger a nuclear war.