Chapter 14
Rio
I stare at my notepad, eyeing the blank page, begging for words to come. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Tomorrow’s the day. I go back to the stage on my own. It’s the day I’ve been waiting so long for, working hard toward.
But I’m restless, and my heart is jumping in my chest. Dumping my thoughts onto paper has been calming me down for months but the well is dry.
Everyone, from Niko to my elementary school teacher, has been sending me messages of encouragement.
Even the impossible-to-please trio—Maeven, Esme, and Kresh—have told me today they’re proud of me.
I feel the support, but something’s wrong or off.
Luna comes to mind. The way she sensed I needed to be away from those people the other day. The fact that she kicked them out.
I push off the bed because I do know.
I don’t mind being the bad guy for you.
Her words plague me, like her kindness and her eyes.
And then I see the butterfly on my glass pane. Luna’s mom calls her Mariposita, and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. Because this one butterfly calls to me.
“You’re everywhere but by my side,” I mumble.
And I hear Mami’s voice, exactly a month before she was gone. I see her sitting up in her bed with my head in her lap.
I’ll always be there, mi nino. Like a butterfly in the dark of night, under the moonlight, over the water. You won’t see me, but where you go, Riomar, I’m always there. With you.
I told her that her lyrics were better than mine. She laughed so hard. It was the last time I heard the sound. Shit, I would give anything to hear it again.
My eyes well up, but I blow out a breath to stop the emotion. Tonight is not the night for it. I plop myself back on the couch and grab my notepad. This time, I don’t let myself think. I just write what comes.
Es la historia de un amor,
a love story for the ages
One that ended way too soon
Porque como todo en la vida
Cumplio su curso
Lo unico es que no estaba listo. No, I wasn’t ready
Mi mente no computa
Mi corazon no accepta
Mi alma llora
Soy un nino perdido
Vagabundo de dolor
Calling out
Llamandote
El silencio me mata
La soledad me ata
Tengo que llenar el vacio
Con lo que sea
Alcohol, nalgas, tetas, peleas
Pero nada calma mi angustia
Y te termino llamando
A Dios le estoy rogando
Tu ya no me oyes
El ignora mi canto
Es Rio
Hay perdidas que no se olvidan
Amores que nos marcan para siempre
Te digo, still waters run deep
Y las turbulentas, tambien.
The words on the page are horrifying. They're in the wrong place. I should be writing about rehearsals and the road to tomorrow. But the past week and a half have been kicking my ass. Every night I come home, I’m so tired, like I’ve been beaten up.
I should be happy since there’s plenty of reasons to celebrate: sold-out concerts, the album went number one, and things with Luna are going well…
kind of. I’ve been busy with concert prep, and she has been doing some influencer work that has been coming her way while working on her business.
But something’s been bothering me, and all roads lead to Ana Fernanda Castillo. The part of me that I buried with my mom.
I miss her so much. It’s painful, and all I want is for it to go away. Why is it happening today? It’s the eve of my comeback and…
It’s because it’s tomorrow.
I push to my feet. I want to talk this out. I need someone to listen.
I grab my phone to call Dr. Jacinda. But I stop, because I don’t want her, or Tito, or anyone.
Except one person. The one that brought on this feeling because she did what Mami would have done on the day of the video shoot.
She called me out and me cantó mis verdades.
Yeah, she told me the truths I didn’t want to hear.
She held me, distracted me, and sent people away when she sensed I needed it.
I need to get out of here.
I grab the keys to the car and head down. I yell at Tito that I’m going out.
He’s in front of me in the blink of an eye. “Where the fuck are you going by yourself?”
“A dar una vuelta.”
His mouth falls open. “To drive around? Are you nuts?”
“I need to get out of here,” I say. “I’m not going to do crazy shit. I just need some air.”
“Let me go with you. I’ll keep my mouth shut. I’ll be in the front without saying anything.” He’s already slipping his feet into his shoes by the door.
“Okay,” I say. It’s easier than arguing.
I drive myself this time, and Tito doesn’t ask where we’re going. He doesn’t even comment when we park outside Luna’s building.
We sit there in silence, with me feeling like an idiot.
What am I doing here? I haven’t heard from her in a few hours.
I haven’t even messaged her. Her living room light is off, and I’m sitting here like the creep she called me that day in the park.
I feel so fucking stupid. I reach for the shifter to pull into drive, but Tito’s hand stops me.
I look at him.
“Call her,” he says. “You came all this way.”
“No, she’s probably busy or talking to some macho.”
He scoffs. “The only macho that woman has got on her brain is you. Just like you’re not chasing any other culo because you’re stuck on her.”
“Shut up.”
He sighs. “There’s nothing wrong with it, Rio. The two of you are circling the wagon and living the dream.”
I frown. “What dream?”
“You get to play kissy face with the chick you like.”
“Veta pal carajo,” I tell him.
He outright laughs, but then his face goes all serious. “Call her. You need her.”
“I don’t need her.”
Fucking liar. You just don’t want to admit you do.
“Maybe not,” Tito says. “But it’s different with her. And I don’t have to tell you how many dudes want to trade places with you.”
“It’s not that…” I trail off because what am I about to say?
That she’s a million more things than the body all these men want to fuck?
That when she smiles, my anxiety ebbs away?
That even though I want to pick up right where we left off in the dressing room, I’m happy when she doesn’t look like she wants to throw a brick at me?
That sitting with her in my living room, talking about my vacations with my dad, and watching me geek-out over videos meant so much more?
I contemplate for a while, not ready to put myself out there, but he’s right. I need her. Maybe if I just hear her voice, I can go home and sleep.
If she doesn’t pick up, I’ll go home.
* * *
Luna
“Diablo, que bruta es esa tipa.” I stare at the telenovela’s main character in disgust. I can’t believe she was dumb enough to give up her big modeling break to help her friend break into her ex-boyfriend’s house to spy on him.
My mom snorts. “Pendeja es lo que ella es. Coje ahí. Novelas are here to teach us about real life and not about being punks.”
“Mami,” I say, shaking my head. “You know this is not real.”
“No?” My mom turns her head all the way around to look at me. In her sleeping bun, the glare in her eyes makes her look harsher, like a stern dona and not my sweet mom. Her gaze holds mine, making my stomach sink. I just know she’ll say something I’m going to hate. And the lady doesn’t disappoint.
“You’ve done stuff like that for Adina. And before you ask when, let me tell you.
You passed on Cornell to stay in the city and close to her because she wanted you both to go to the same school.
Then, she failed anyway. You didn’t go out with that player from the Mets because she liked him and pouted about it. ”
I roll my eyes. “He’s a cheater, and we hate the Mets in this house.”
“But you didn’t know he was a cheater back then. And for the right novio, we can overlook the blue and orange.” She places a hand on my thigh. “It’s my fault. I took you there, as if you were her hired play partner. I regret that.”
I cover her hand with mine. “Don’t. I loved being her friend back then. It was innocent.”
“No, it was never innocent, mi Luna. Bethany thought you would grow up to be only her kids’ companion.
Maybe you would take over for me when I’m too old to take care of her household.
And Adina is a leech, like her mama. Pero le diste un galleta sin mano.
You’re the real deal, everything she wishes her daughter could be—smart, beautiful, and with talent they’ll never have.
I can’t wait for your reputation to be fully restored and for people to see you for who you are. It’s working too.”
It doesn’t erase the way Adina turned on me and not once tried to defend me. I’ll never forget she was the main one throwing mud my way. But I think of the call with Faye & Fleur and the offers for me to sponsor products and smile. “Yeah—”
My phone buzzes with a call from Rio.
“Your new novio calls,” Mami says out of the side of her mouth. I don’t miss the crooked smile. “Go take it in the living room. I don’t want to miss any part of today’s episode. Joaquín is going to find out that his evil twin brother, Salazar, married Mari Carmen, pretending to be him.”
I hop off the bed and answer, closing the door behind me.
“Am I interrupting?” he asks, his voice low.
“I’m just watching a novela with my mom. She’s addicted.”
The quick intake of breath and the silence that follows weighs heavy on the line.
“Is something wrong?”
“No. You should go back to spending time with your mom. That’s precious.”
I chuckle. “Are you serious? You know novelas are on every night, and she watches from 7-11 pm? Hell, if it was up to these channels, they would air them Saturday and Sunday, and Dominican moms would never leave the house at night.”
He laughs a little. “Yeah, but this is your time with her. I used to watch Corazón Salvaje with my mom.”
My phone buzzes with a text.
Tito
Look out the window. I never told you.
I frown and cross the distance to look outside my apartment window. And there’s a black SUV parked across the street.
He’s outside?
“Go back to your mom. I’ll call tomorrow.”