29. Marcella #2
“I’m not saying you did it purposely,” he says quickly.
“When I told Madison I was in love with you, she brought up something I can’t un-hear.
She wondered if I was so eager to be your hero I didn’t see the full picture.
She pointed out the nuances we, as doctors, face every day and asked me if I assumed the worst about Caldwell’s intentions because it justified what I wanted to do. ”
“So, you think I manipulated you?” I’m crushed, and not sure I want the answer.
“I think I don’t know,” he says honestly. “I think I’m trying to make sense of all of it. You’re the only person who’s ever made me feel seen. Loved. Wanted. I want to believe what we have is real.”
I pull my knees up and protectively wrap my arms around them. “I never asked you to lie.”
“I didn’t lie.”
“You told the truth.”
“I told my truth.” He drags a hand through his hair. “I also assigned blame. I wanted Caldwell to be the villain because it was easier to walk away from the part of me that respected him unconditionally. When I started at UW, I wanted to be him.”
I watch him in silence, aching in places I didn’t know were still breakable. “Now?”
“Now I don’t know what’s worse.” He winces. “If I was wrong about him and fucked things up or if I was right and fucked things up.”
His words pierce me like dagger, long and jagged. I don’t know how to handle this.
So I tell him my truth. “I didn’t deliberately use you, Seamus.”
He looks at me, his eyes brimming with unshed tears.
“I’m not saying I wasn’t focused on winning.
I was. That’s who I am. I never lied to you about Caldwell.
I believed then—and still do—what he did to Miranda was reckless.
” I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.
“Maybe not malicious. Or intentional. Reckless . I proved the legal standard, cut and dry.”
Seamus exhales, like my explanation matters.
It should.
It also doesn’t fix things.
“At the same time if I had known how deeply I’d end up feeling about you and what your cooperation would cost you professionally…
” I trail off. “If I’d known what it would do to us over the past few weeks, I might’ve gone about it differently.
Or at least warned you. I couldn’t know it at the time.
I’m so sorry. I completely understand why you’d question me.
I only hope you can feel how much I truly love you and would never intentionally do anything to hurt you. ”
“I believe you.” He nods again, though his eyes are focused on the floor. “Unfortunately, there’s more. Apparently Caldwell’s legal team is circling a few of the women I was—with.”
“What?” My blood goes cold.
“Trying to paint me like some sex-crazed deviant.” He meets my eyes. “The worst part? He doesn’t have to lie to make me look bad. I gave him the ammunition.”
“Bullshit.” I’m on my feet now, anger burning up my spine. “You never had power over them. They came to you.”
“Marcella, I’m a big, imposing man who used the stairwell like a fucking makeshift motel,” he spits out bitterly. “You think anyone’s going to care I was technically propositioned in the first place? Believe I never crossed the line into fucking them?”
“I care,” I whisper.
“In the beginning you questioned my reputation.” He scrubs his face with his hand.
“It’s how he’s going to bury me and make it impossible to get hired.
The only reason I’m submitting this proposal is Dr. Madison said she’d consider working with me if I can navigate out of this situation. She’s not going to take sides.”
I nestle into his side and take his hand. “This I can help you with. You fight back. Tell the truth. All of it.”
“Even the part where I lost my virginity to the woman who sued my mentor?” His eyebrow quirks.
A small, strangled laugh slips from me. “ Jesus …”
“It sounds insane.”
“Yeah.” I squeeze his hand. “It’s also our truth. Let’s lean in.”
He threads his fingers through mine, resting our joined hands on his thigh. “Do you still believe in us?”
I think about it—really think.
About how tired I’ve been lately. How our days have turned into snatched hours between our professional chaos. How I’ve spent nights lying awake wishing he were home, wondering if I’d made a mistake by falling too fast. Too hard.
Still…
“I believe in us. I think we’re meant to be together.”
He whimpers out a breath like he’s been hoping this would be my answer.
“I’m scared, baby,” I whisper. “If we can’t fix this, what if you wake up and realize I’m the one who derailed your dream?”
“You’re not.” He shakes his head.
I burrow into him. “How can you be sure?”
“Because.” His hand curls around mine. “When it comes down to it, you’re the only person who makes my dream feel possible.”
I let his words wash over me. Allow it to try to undo the shame and self-doubt and fear building inside me for the last thirty minutes of this conversation.
“I’m not great at relationships,” I admit. “Historically, I push people away before they can hurt me. I promise not to push you away.”
Seamus tugs me back into his lap. “Let’s be bad at relationships together.”
I press my forehead to his, eyes closed. “I’m not letting you drown in this alone. Caldwell wants to weaponize your past? Let him try. You’ve got someone protecting you now. With everything I have.”
“Someone scary as hell in court.”
“Damn right.”
He chuckles, and for the first time tonight, it doesn’t sound hollow.
We sit in silence for a long moment, the weight of everything still real. No longer unbearable.
“You know what’s a light in the tunnel about all this?” he finally says.
“What?”
“I think this study…it’s feels like the right direction for me, regardless.” His eyes light up. “Not just to get out from under Caldwell. It matters. It means something.”
I smile. “Then let’s make it happen.”
Seamus’s brow lifts. “Let’s?”
“You didn’t think I’d let you write a whole-ass research proposal on female sexuality without a little editing finesse, did you?” I kiss his cheek.
His grin breaks wide open. “God, I love you.”
We’re not unscathed. We’re not perfect.
We’re scarred and stubborn and still here.
This time, we move forward with eyes wide open.
No more running.
Only choosing each other.
Every damn day.