Chapter 18
Outside the Magnolia, someone had mowed the small patches of grass on either side of our walkway. Either that or the house was able to keep it trimmed. From the board meeting, I had a vague recollection of Lydia or Lyra mentioning that House did the gardening. Maybe House was all-purpose.
Or maybe that nice, terrifying wolf with the hauntingly familiar eyes had done it.
Surveying the house much as I had on my first day, I found it hard to fight the urge to fix the entire thing. It needed a massive overhaul. But I didn’t trust myself to do that much.
“Brianne, you said I couldn’t see everyone in the lobby earlier, right?”
“That’s right.” She gnawed on her lower lip, her brow furrowing. “I think, maybe, you’re not trusted enough to see everything as it is yet.”
Ouch. I can see why she was nervous to say that. I rubbed at my heart.
“That’s fair, I suppose. I’ve only been here for like five days, and so far … I’m not off to a great start, am I?”
“You’ll fix it.” She linked our arms.
I wasn’t sure why she had so much faith in me, but I would take it. I needed all the faith I could get. In my head, I grabbed for one of my favorite songs, singing it to myself.
They said, "Babe, you gotta fake it 'til you make it" and I did.
Okay, Simone. It was time to fake it.
“So, what do you see in front of us?”
“The same thing you see, Simone.” Gumbo weaved through my legs with a soothing purr. “House is focusing all its magic inside right now. It’s barely covering the gardens.”
Hmm. So someone else was mowing the front lawn. I’d investigate that mystery another time.
For now, I wanted to focus my energies on the house, on something I could give it that would satisfy both of our needs at the moment.
“Last week when I first got here, I looked at the house with all this fear and the feeling of being overwhelmed and said something strange out loud.”
“What was it?” Gumbo ceased his weaving and sat near my feet, looking up at me.
“Something about clouds gathering but the sun coming out. I don’t remember it. I wasn’t paying attention.” I managed an awkward grin when Gumbo rolled his eyes. I had no idea a cat could roll its eyes.
“Anyway, I do remember saying that I would receive a sign that things would work out.” I dipped my head to Brianne’s shoulder. “Then you stepped outside and welcomed me.”
“Aww.” Brianne grabbed me into a fierce hug. How could I possibly let this woman down? The fear welled again, rolling in my stomach like I’d swallowed a million flies.
“Focus, Simone.” Gumbo batted at my foot to get my attention. “The most important part of accessing your ability is to focus it.”
“How did you know I wasn’t focused?”
“Let’s just say you should never play poker.”
I snorted. Jeff had always admonished me in public, telling me to turn down my face. Maybe I wasn’t as good at masking how I felt as I thought I was.
Gumbo pounced on a small ant traveling across the cobblestone, picking it up to inspect it between his tiny gold claws. With a flick of his tongue, the ant disappeared. He returned to me.
“Anyway, it’s time to focus.”
“What do I do?”
“Pay attention to your breath. Quiet your mind and really listen to what your instincts are telling you.” He weaved between my legs again.
His I Can Haz voice softened. It became deeper. As he instructed me to breathe, his purrs reminded me of a rich baritone. There was a fullness to his tone that reminded me of other worlds and a cosmos filled with magic.
I closed my eyes, shutting out the dilapidated look of the house and picturing, instead, the house I saw in my memories. I tried to practice the deep, throat-constricting breath I’d learned in a yoga class one time. Instead of soothing me, it reminded me of inflexibility and competition.
I was never a good yogi. Or yogini. Whatever they called the woman.
“Simone, you must focus.” It was as if Gumbo were behind me, in my ear rather than at my feet. His whiskers tickled my neck, and I gave it a scratch.
“Right, sorry.” With a shake of my head, I freed my breathing. Yoga breath wasn’t right for me. What about box breathing? It was a calming technique my patients loved. And a social media favorite. Might be worth a try.
I inhaled for a four-count. Held for a four-count. Exhaled for a four-count. Held again.
My heart beat a little faster, and the world around me tunneled. I gasped for air, as if I’d been held underwater for minutes.
Okay. So. Not box breath.
“What if you tried just breathing like a normal person?” Brianne’s helpful voice sounded oddly far away. I opened one eye to check she was still next to me. She was, and she smiled. “You’re making yourself lightheaded, Sweets. Just relax.”
Just relax. Sure. I could do that.
But the more I tried to relax, the more tense I became. Trying not to think about breathing, it turned out, made it impossible to think about anything besides breathing. This was stupid. I was making it more difficult than it needed to be.
Gumbo continued his weaving, his voice somehow inside me and all around me at once. Brianne stroked my back and murmured encouragement. I stood there, my eyes squeezed shut, trying to find something.
Why was this so hard? I’d literally redecorated the waiting room with just a few thoughts and a little imagination. I hadn’t done any special breathing or needed a cat and a bestie to lift me up. I’d known what I wanted, and I made it happen.
Why was that so hard?
The frustration of it was eating me inside. Louder than either of my friends was my inner critic, and she was a bitch. She whispered I was failing. She reminded me I’d been failing for years. She listed all my faults. She told me not to bother.
She was pissing me off.
“This is stupid. I don’t need to focus on my breath. I just want us to have a professional damn sign hanging out here.”
At Brianne’s sharp gasp, I opened my eyes.
The house was still a mess. Faded paint and rotted shutters remained. But I’d done something.
The overhead porch railing had gotten an incidental refresh. Rust no longer covered the ornate railing. The old, warped sign with words crossed out was gone. In its place was a beautiful new sign. The edges rippled like waves.
A magnolia looked like it bloomed from the wood, its stem curling around one side, giving the entire sign a three-dimensional look that I absolutely adored.
Magnolia Therapy and Wellness Center adorned the middle, in ivory colored wording similar to the logo I’d seen on YouTube.
It was beautiful. It was perfect.
“It’s just the beginning.”
As if by magic, and maybe it was, my body settled. The anxiety within me stilled. I knew it was temporary, but the peace of it was something I could grab onto. A small win, just what I’d needed. But it turned out to be an even bigger win than I imagined.
“Whoa, nice sign!” Lauren exited the Magnolia and walked backwards along the path toward us to take it in. “That’s gorgeous, Simone. Did you make that happen?”
“I did.” I tried not to sound too proud of myself. In truth, I was exhausted. Between the panic attack, the roller coaster of emotions, and the verbal battle with Lydia that felt like it had happened a hundred years ago, I was worn out. “It took all I had, but I did it.”
“Oh, you have more.” Gumbo’s voice was back to cute wittle kitty mode. “Well done.” He sauntered back to the house and around the corner before I could even say thanks.
“You did great!” Brianne squeezed me close. “I knew you could do it. Now I have to run.” Then she, too, scurried down the sidewalk, leaving Lauren and me alone.
“That was weird.” I admired the sign. “Why didn’t they stay and watch me gloat?”
“You can always gloat tomorrow.” Lauren chuckled beside me. “Actually, they knew I wanted some time alone with you.”
And just like that, the anxiety was back.
Crap. I’d already had a run-in with one division head.
I wasn’t prepared for another yet. Couldn’t I take my meager win and my dehydrated-from-crying-self inside, and feel good for ten, maybe fifteen minutes before pressure took over again? Was that so much to ask?
Apparently so.
“Let’s go have a drink, Simone, and a good chat.” I was still nervous, but Lauren’s smile was pretty benign. “On me,” she added.
“You’re not gonna turn me into a toad or anything are you?”
Lauren dropped her pretty head back and laughed, loud and hard. It should have put me at ease. It should have, but it didn’t.
“Not tonight,” she replied with a wink. “In all seriousness, I want us to have a chance to talk and get to know each other again.”
My head was spinning as I tried to come up with excuses why I couldn’t go.
But, as usual, instead of being productive, my brain froze under pressure.
Just because she was mean to me in high school didn’t mean she was still unkind.
Ethan had said otherwise, and she’d been nice enough in the board meeting.
Besides, we were sort of partners now, and maybe a good time away from the Magnolia would help put me at ease. I could use another ally. And Lauren remembered growing up here, maybe she could help me jog loose all these blocked memories.
If I really wanted another chance, I had to give it to others, too. There was one thing really holding me back, though. Something I had to know before I took another step forward.
“Can you answer one question for me before we go?”
Lauren turned to face me, her eyes serious.
“I’ve never slept with any of my patients, Simone. It’s highly unprofessional and diminishes my hard work.”
Whoa. She’d known just what I was going to ask. And she hadn’t answered me defensively or dismissed why it was so important to me. If she was going to extend that grace to me, I’d sure give it back to her.
“Cool,” I said. “Then let’s go have a drink.”