37. Liar
Liar
My heart is raw.
Hazel and I spent two hours crying together on the couch. Reassuring each other that no matter what, we love each other, and our bond is stronger than the bullshit we were put through.
But it’s hard.
It’s so hard to face this and know that I’m risking my life tomorrow. It’s hard not to run to Ash and let him soothe all of the pain inside.
So I don’t fight it.
I stumble into the Pink Puke Mobile with all the grace of a baby deer walking for the first time and drive to him. Some part of me knows he knows I’m coming.
It’s why I don’t bother texting or calling.
It’s why I know he’s standing in the doorway even before I pull fully into his driveway.
I get out and run to him.
I jump into his arms, wrapping my arms and legs around him as best I can. He doesn’t even step back to brace himself, he just absorbs my energy and matches it with his own.
“I got you, Goldilocks.”
Somehow, I’ve even learned to love that nickname despite how much it pissed me off the first time he used it. It’s special. Unique. Just for us.
If anyone else ever used it, I’d kill them.
He walks us into the house, his plants magically closing and locking the door behind us. He sits me on the island in his kitchen, handing me a glass of my favorite wine.
The wine he poured the first night I stayed here.
“Talk to me. What’s going on?” he asks once I’ve drained the glass.
I meet his liquid-forest gaze and know I have to tell him. Tell him what I’ve been avoiding. That I have to sacrifice my life to save Mom. But I meant it when I promised myself I wouldn’t let him near it.
“I’m going to be saving Mom tomorrow.”
His sigh is heavy, emotional, as he brackets my body with his hands on the counter.
“Hazel and I had a fight about it. She doesn’t want me to do it, and we finally said all the things we’ve kept bottled up.” I try to chuckle. “Seems like you were right about therapy being healthy.”
He sees right through me, though. He lifts his hand and caresses my cheek. “I’m sorry you fought. Why doesn’t she want you to do it?”
Deep breath, Laura. “Because I’m risking my life.”
His face hardens instantly. His body rigid, shoulders squared as he stares into my very soul. “No.”
My heart breaks at the look on his face, but I’ve already decided and he can’t change my mind. “Ash, you can’t tell me no,” I say softly.
“I sure as fuck can. You think I’m okay with you risking your life?”
“I wouldn’t expect you to be.” I kiss his wrist. “But it’s my decision, and it’s the only way.”
I watch as the emotions play out on his face. As he wrestles with the desire to get all macho-protective man and demand I not go. He knows he can’t make that decision for me. He values my independence almost as much as I do.
Bet he’s regretting all that therapy now.
“It’s the only way?” he asks, some of that hardness cracking.
I nod. “I wouldn’t do it if there was another option. But part of my conversation with Hazel tonight was about not pushing. Making sure we’re being as safe as possible and holding off if I feel like things start to go negatively.”
He leans his forehead to mine. “At least there’s that.”
“I’m not going to die for her. But I refuse to let her suffer in Hell of all places after .
. .” Another deep breath. “Mom wrote a letter explaining that she did this to protect Hazel from becoming just like her. Mom didn’t want to continue the cycle.
And for that, I have to try. For my sister and for the hope that maybe Mom has learned something. ”
“I’m going with you.”
Knew that was coming. “And if I try to stop you?”
“I’ll tell you the same fucking thing you told me. It’s my decision.”
I love this stubborn man so much. “Tomorrow night.”
Because by then, it’ll be over. I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I wouldn’t lose Ash. That if I was going to give in to this soulmate bond, I wouldn’t risk his life in the process.
So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to lie my ass off.
He’s going to be pissed. He’s going to call me a hypocrite. And he wouldn’t be wrong. I’m a huge fucking hypocrite when it comes to Ash Cedar.
But I can’t find it in myself to change my mind.
“I’m going to leave early in the morning to spend the day prepping with Grandma and Hazel. You can come by around dinner time.”
“Thank you, Laura.”
Don’t thank me yet. Not until you find out how much of a liar I am.
I wet my lips, biting just a smidge at the bottom one in the way I know makes Ash’s mind blank.
I don’t want to talk anymore.
Lying to him feels like black sludge in my gut. I hate it. And I’m done with it tonight.
His thumb brushes my lip, pulling it out from my teeth. “How about we do something else with this mouth of yours?”
Bingo.
I nibble the tip of his thumb, wrapping my lips around the digit for a quick suck. “Whatever could you have in mind?”
“When it comes to you?” His eyes are dark as he leans closer, until our lips are a breath apart. “Everything.”
His mouth is hard against mine as his last shred of control snaps, and he kisses me with all the love in the world. Ash is intense in everything. The way he works, the way he talks, the way he loves, the way he fucks.
It’s almost too much, having all that intense energy focused entirely on me, but the attention-starved part of my brain revels in it. Revels in the way he never makes me doubt I’m the center of his entire world.
He breaks the kiss, sliding his nose against mine before falling to his knees to take my boots and socks off. He’s slow—reverent—as he exposes my skin to the warmth of his gaze.
Hands slide up my leggings, calluses catching on the fabric every so often in their lazy pursuit. No matter how many times we’ve done this, he acts as if he’s discovering me for the first time. As if he’s always in awe of me.
“Can’t believe I haven’t fucked you on this countertop yet.” He skips pulling my leggings down in favor of yanking my thick sweater up over my head. “Been dreaming about it for weeks.”
This may be the only surface left untouched.
I slide my fingers to the buttons on his flannel, undoing them quickly. “Sounds like we should remedy that.”
His chest, broad and strong with a smattering of dark hair, comes into view and I almost bury myself in it. I’ve always liked bigger guys, but this barrel chest is the best one I’ve ever seen. Defined, but still rugged in a way that makes me want him to chase me through a forest.
“See something you like?” he chuckles, throwing my bra across the room, where it hits the wall with a satisfying smack.
My fingernails dig into his pecs, leaving little crescent moons. “Yeah.”
“Hey.” His eyes soften as he lifts my gaze with his finger and thumb holding my chin. “I want you to know something.”
“Mm?”
“I love you, Laura Hollis. I’m pretty sure I loved you the first second I saw you, and I’m going to love you until my last breath. I don’t expect—or need—you to say anything, especially if you aren’t ready. But I want you to know that with absolutely no doubt.”
The words stick in my throat like peanut butter. I know I love Ash. Even when he pissed me off, I knew it. But there’s something holding me back, something keeping the admission from leaving my lips.
“You’re mine,” I say instead. “And I’m yours.”
“You’re goddamn right.”
I lean in, reconnecting our mouths and halting the conversation. No more words are necessary.
With a little hop of my hips, my leggings and panties are on the ground and Ash’s fingers are sliding through the wetness between my thighs. It’s almost obscene the way his fingers slip.
The way this man affects me is unparalleled.
The sounds he pulls from me make it hard to maintain the kiss. It’s more of a sloppy press and heavy breathing, but it’s so good.
Too good.
“Enough.” I yank at his jeans, undoing the button and zip lightning fast. “No more teasing.”
“Thought you liked it when I tease you till you beg,” he murmurs, nipping at my lip.
I press and pull until he gets the hint and he’s finally bare before me. “Not tonight. I need you.”
He doesn’t need to ask if I’m sure, he knows I am. In one smooth, hard thrust he’s buried inside me, and I explode like a firework.
The combination of his feelings and my own desire flood my brain, hurtling me over the edge almost painfully quickly. It’s sharp and only further deepens my desperation.
There is no relief.
“I could watch you cum underneath me and do nothing else for the rest of my life.”
“Better—” I gasp for air “—better get cracking then.”
Competitiveness flares in his eyes as he braces himself on the smooth butcher block countertop. From this angle, I get the perfect view of him towering over me.
I swear he made the counter this height for this exact reason.
He takes both of my hands in his, stretching them above my head and elongating my body beneath him. The other hand anchors the small of my back, pressing me even closer.
My clit rubs against the smattering of dark hair covering his pubic bone, sending an aftershock of electricity sparking through my body.
“That’s it.” He thrusts hard. “Give me everything.”
His pace quickens, his roughness only increasing as he breaks down every single piece of me and puts them back together again.
The kitchen erupts in the sounds of our coupling. In the smack of skin against skin, in the chorus of frantic moans I can’t keep inside. In the words of love and sex dripping from Ash’s mouth.
It’s a cacophony of us.
“This is just round one. I’m going to keep fucking you until the sun rises and you have to leave. I want you to smell me on your skin while you get ready and know that I’m in your corner. That I have you.”
A single tear runs down my cheek even as the wave of pleasure rises.
I love you, Ash. Please forgive me.