Chapter 49
Chapter Forty-Nine
Mick
“ G et out.” A muddy red stains Jules’ cheeks as she jabs her finger at the door.
I’m relieved to see she’s shaken off the effects of the Valium and alcohol cocktail, but the daggers shooting from her eyes hit me square in the chest. Although, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Her reaction is exactly what I deserve. She looks like she wants to slice me into pieces and shove me down a garbage chute. I raise my hands, trying to placate her. “We need to talk.”
“No, we don’t.”
“You need to understand?—”
“Understand?” Jules props herself on the pillows. “What I understand is you’ve been keeping a secret from me for our entire marriage.”
My blood pounds through my veins. So much for staying cool. I pace the room. I’m not the only one at fault here. “You have too.” My hands slide to my hips. “Mixing alcohol and antidepressants is stupid. Especially when you don’t even have a script for the pills. What if Riley had been home? Did you think of that?”
She flinches. “Thanks for reminding me what an idiot I am. I’d never have figured it out on my own.” Her eyes continue to pierce me with a flurry of blades, but her voice shakes.
What am I doing? I pivot and stare at the white wall opposite Jules’ bed. Attacking her isn’t the answer. She’s in this mess because I’ve been too preoccupied with my own anxieties to notice what was happening in front of me. I didn’t come here to fight. I came because being by my wife’s side is the only place I want to be. And she deserves answers.
I scramble for my mobile and scroll through the photos. Yes. There’s the one.
I turn and shove my phone at Jules. “What do you see?”
She glares and then snatches it from me. Her hands tremble as she looks at the picture. It’s me and Davo on a night out. We’d had a few drinks, and we were … I blink my eyes to force back tears. We were so fucking happy. Davo and Melissa hadn’t been able to have more kids after Ash, so they were heading down the IVF route. In typical Davo fashion, confidence that they’d be successful radiated from his every pore. And I was bubbling with enthusiasm about my upcoming assignment. Would our smiles have been as bright if we’d known he’d be dead three years later?
She hands the phone back to me. “It’s your friend. You’ve already shown me a photo.”
“He was more than that, Jules. He was my best mate. Like you and Claire. There’s nothing we wouldn’t have done for each other. That was our last night out together before I went undercover.”
A tear slides down Jules’ cheek. “You never trusted me enough to confide in me about him. And whenever I’ve tried to ask about that time of your life, you’ve shut me down.”
My heart lurches at the pain etched on her face. “I didn’t know how to tell you.”
“We’re married, Mick. There aren’t supposed to be secrets between us. ”
“I know.”
“Then why?”
I hang my head. My reasons seem so stupid now. “Because if I didn’t talk about it, I could pretend it never happened. Pretend Davo didn’t die.”
“I still don’t understand why you didn’t tell me the truth after Melissa contacted you.
“I just … I was hoping I’d be able to fix Ashley’s issues quickly and get back to pretending again.” Because I was a coward. Bottling up the pain and locking it away was easier than facing it.
She flops her head on the pillows. “Please go, Mick.”
She must think I’ve cheated on her. Otherwise, she’d understand. Wouldn’t she? “Jules, I promise you, I’ve never been unfaithful. Never. There’s been no one since the day we met. I love you.”
The usual shine in Jules’ eyes is absent and, in its place, a dirty brown. She clasps her fingers in mine. “I believe you. But it isn’t enough. A marriage is more than being faithful. You vowed to honour me. A vow you broke from the moment you made it.”
The resignation in Jules’ voice scares me as much as the gunshot that killed Davo; it feels so final. I can’t lose her. “I’ll get help.”
“You should. Because that’s what I’m going to do too. Last night was an ugly wake-up call. I’ve been kidding myself that I could stop drinking, stop taking the pills … whenever I wanted.” Her bottom lip quivers and she brushes a tear from her cheek. “I realise now that I’m incapable of stopping on my own.”
I kneel at her bedside. “Then we’ll help each other.”
Jules lowers her gaze and flexes her left hand. Her engagement ring cost me three months’ salary. I thought I was the luckiest man alive when she accepted my marriage proposal. She tugs on the bands .
My heart hammers in my chest. “What are you doing?”
The rings slip off, and she holds them up. The ruby solitaire gleams in the light. “When you’re ready to be a proper husband, we can re-evaluate our future.”
“No.”
She seizes my hand and places the shiny metal on my palm. Closes my fingers over it. “It’s not up for debate, Mick.”
“But—”
“No buts. I could tell from the start something was wrong when you clammed up about your time undercover. It wasn’t a normal reaction. I let it go because …” She rakes her hands through her hair. “Well, because I was tired of trying to manage on my own. And then I fell in love with you. It was a massive red flag I shouldn’t have ignored.” She cups my jaw. “And neither should you. You need to sort yourself out, and so do I.”
“There must be another way.”
She withdraws her hand. A shiver runs down my spine at the loss of contact. “We’ll tell Riley that you have to live somewhere else for a few months.”
“Months?” My stomach freefalls into a massive abyss where there’s no light. No warmth. Only death. This is my punishment for letting everyone down.
I want to argue, but part of me knows she’s right and I hate it. I kiss her forehead. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Mick. But sometimes love isn’t enough.” Her bottom lip quivers, but she holds firm. “Please go.”
Tears burn my eyes as I back away. A nurse bustles in. I sidestep her and stride out the door and down the corridor. My face is stiff, frozen since that moment when Jules handed me her rings. The gold—a massive symbol of failure—burns a hole in my palm. I cling to the fact she didn’t say we were finished, but the gaping wound in my chest fears we could be.