14. Chapter 14
Led
I ’m a fucking idiot. A total fucking moron.
It was bad enough that I went over to Jinny’s place after seeing Reya tonight.
But not only did we fuck again, I went and fell asleep at her place.
In her bed. With her in my arms. It’s so fucking nice to sleep with her.
I’ve slept like a goddamn baby, and I hate it that I did but I also love it.
I feel so refreshed and clear minded for the first time in forever.
The problem with that, though, is that I’ve realized my folly.
We’re becoming attached. Too attached. She’s jealous of my date with Reya, and I hate it that she is.
I never want her to feel any sort of discomfort because of something that I did.
Sure, I made it up to her by making her come twice, and sleeping with her in her bed, but that’s not the point.
The thought of leaving her while she’s still asleep breaks my heart.
I don’t want to do that to her. I don’t ever want her to feel like I left because of her.
If I leave, it’s going to be because of me.
She’s innocent in this. It’s me. I’m the asshole.
I’m the one that can’t give her proper love, babies, a life full of everything that she’d ever want and more.
All of this makes my other problems look like they don’t matter.
Funny how that happens. Funny how you gain a little perspective when you do something outside of the box.
Someone once said that that’s when the magic happens.
When you crawl outside of your comfort zone.
This is sort of like that, only half the opposite, and half the same.
I never knew that being with Jinny would make me feel equal parts comfortable, like she’s home, and equal parts torn, because I know that it can’t last.
And as I drive to work, knowing full well that I’ve left the woman that I’ve let myself care about, alone, that stress that always comes as I make the trek to work, well, it’s different.
When I arrive, I sit in my car, staring at my phone.
My gaze goes to the notes section, where I’ve taken copious notes to clear my head many nights in the past and present, making imaginary plans that I know will never come to fruition.
Plans that are only ever in my dreams, that I can never do, because of the commitment that I’ve made to both my brother and to my family.
Thoughts on names for the company that I dream about opening.
Actual drawings that I had a student architect draw up, to make part of my house an office.
Bought and paid for and owned by me, but only inside my head, living in my imagination and nowhere else.
Sometimes it takes me a full thirty minutes to go inside, since I only let myself dream that much each day and today is no exception.
Jagger’s car is already parked in the lot, and I grimace thinking about it.
I hate it that I hate seeing him most days.
It was never like this. Not until recently.
It’s a hate that I hate, but mostly because I can’t tell him about it.
Rush is here, too, and Axl, the leech. I’d like to warn him.
But he doesn’t deserve it. He’s the biggest goddamn drunken life sucker there is, and he can’t help himself, since he has nothing better to do.
Wasting his life away chasing a dream that can never happen.
And the only reason that it can never happen is because of him.
If he got his shit together, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
I hate him mostly because, aside from the alcohol, the drugs, and the media attention, he’s just like me.
As I get out of my car, I can suddenly feel my chest tightening, but I’m so used to it I ignore it.
I’m numb from anxiety now. It just annoys me, and it shows its ugly head with my perceived crustiness that my brothers are always talking about.
“Good morning.” I hear Jagger say from the hallway.
He’s heading to his office from the look of it, and I just grumble to him.
“I see you’re as pleasant as usual.”
“Fuck you.” I mutter.
He speaks under his breath, just loud enough for me to hear. “Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed or is this just what’s been eating you forever.”
I look back at him, as we pass in the hallway. “Like I said. Fuck you.”
He just shakes his head and keeps going.
Once I make it to my office, I shake it off, and get to work, knowing that there is a ton of it and getting to it is the only thing that’s going to help alleviate the growing pain in my head.
After a couple of hours of work before my staff arrive, I feel like I have my day planned and I’ll be a little bit further ahead.
And just as I’m thinking that, my brothers walk into my office, and I roll my eyes as they do.
“Thought I’d wait until you were a couple of coffees deep before I started in on you, seeing as you were so lovely earlier.” Jagger comments as he takes a seat in the guest chair. “How did it go last night?”
“I’m guessing that you didn’t get laid.” Rush teases, but I ignore him, since I’m not in the mood.
“It went fine until your girlfriend Freddie turned out to be a complete ass hat.”
A ‘v’ forms between his brows. “Freddie? What do you mean? And for the record, you know damn well that she’s not my girlfriend.”
“I mean she completely fucking coerced Reya into it all. She didn’t want anything to do with it. You better watch your ass with that chick. She’s got a plan that doesn’t include you, but it includes a whole lot of Axl, and you know how that’ll turn out.”
Suddenly, I’ve got Jagger’s attention. “What the fuck? What are you talking about?”
“She all but sat in his fucking lap. And Reya says that she’s so far up Wesley’s ass that you can’t tell where her face ends, and where his ass begins. He’s completely oblivious, but Reya’s going to build a case and go straight to him with it.”
The concern on Rush’s face is evident. “So, she’s a snake. Big fucking shocker there.”
Jagger looks at him. “You mean you knew?”
“I knew when she played eeny meany miney fucking mo with me and him, trying to decide which one she could fuck up faster.”
“Did you come to this realization before or after you fucked her.” I comment, just to be an asshole. I feel like being an asshole, since I feel like I was treated like fucking bait and now I’m reporting back, like a good little soldier.
“I could ask you the same fucking thing, man.”
“You know damn well that I didn’t fuck Reya, so get off.”
Jagger lifts a hand. “Okay, you two, let’s focus here. Does this mean that we need to make a call to Wesley?”
I state evenly. “If you want to suck up with half the intel, sure.”
Rush interjects. “So, Reya is doing that...and you can trust her? Because if Wesley finds out later that we knew something and didn’t say anything, that could really piss him off.”
Jagger interrupts. “Wait, what exactly does Reya think Freddie is up to here?”
“Simple. The same thing you don’t want with Axl she’s trying to shove up Wesley’s ass to suck up to him. But he’s going to find out what a fucking train wreck Axl is and then it’s going to blow up in her fucking face...and his.”
“You mean Axl’s face.” Rush checks.
“I mean both of their faces.”
Jagger clears his throat. “All the more reason why we need to get on the horn to Wesley. None of us know Reya or Freddie well enough to trust them and if Wesley trusts them both, we’re up shit’s creek without a paddle. And we need to act fast.”
I scoff. “And say what? That Freddie is fucking Axl? And we think that she might be doing some dirty deed with the company behind his back? That sounds like a crock of shit to me. He’d be a fool to listen to any of that high school garbage.”
“We can at least warn him. Let him know that while Axl is a fucking genius he’s also trouble to the core, which is why I've never dipped my toe in his company ink.”
“You really think he’s that stupid?” I almost squeak. “I’m sure the tabloids make their way to Wesley’s desk at some point.”
“I really don’t want to take that chance.” Jaggers insists.
I lift a hand. “Fine. You do what you want. Keep me out of it.”
That’s when he rounds on me. “Just...what the fuck is your problem, anyway? You’ve had a pole up your ass since my wedding.
Out with it, man. What’s the deal? Are you pissed off at me for getting married?
Do you hate it that Bowie and Jinny are working for us now?
What? What is it that’s got you so goddamn upset that you can’t even look me in the face anymore. ”
I rise. “Never mind. It’s not worth it.”
“Yes, it is, man.” Rush states.
I stand stock still. The way he says it, it’s like he can see right through me, and I realize that I’m the fool here, not Jagger.
Not Rush, not Halen, not even Stevie. They all know.
They all know that I would rather be anywhere else but here.
Normally, I’d ignore them, not feeling like it’s worth it to pursue, but somehow today I feel a little bit different.
Like the mountain of trouble I have here seems somewhat less mountainous, and more bearable.
As I said earlier, my perspective has changed.
Things that once seemed insurmountable are worth turning around and dealing with.
“Fine.” I look at Jagger. His eyes are like fucking dinner plates, and it tears my heart out. He knows. He fucking knows. “It’s not that I don’t want to work here anymore. It’s just—”
He cuts me off kindly. “You’ve done your part helping me with my dream and now it’s time for yours.”
The way he sums it up is poignant. It takes the sting away. It makes me feel like such a shit for not saying something sooner. I just stand there, feeling like I owe him an explanation or something.
Rush interjects. “I knew about the architect, dude. Sorry I didn’t tell you.”
My gaze darts to him. “How the fuck do you know about that?”
He’s trying to hide his smirk by scratching the scruff around his lips.
Jagger coughs and at the same time, muffles the words. “Because he fucked her.”
Rush elbows him.
My eyes bulge. My voice is both a bark and a squeak...yeah, it’s possible. “You WHAT?” I lick my lips. “How did you...when did you...what did you...do?”
Rush sighs. “When you had her over to do the drawings, I was coming into your place as she was leaving, and she had some car trouble.”
“So, you fucked her?” Okay, that one was an actual bark.
He shrugs. “What’s the problem? Did you want to fuck her?”
Still squeaking. “She was a child! A student!”
He clucks his tongue. “Not in bed, she wasn’t.”
Jagger exhales quickly. “Can we focus here?”
I shake my head, shaking it off. “Yeah.”
Jagger rises and walks to me. He rests his hands on my shoulders, looks me in the eyes and says.
“Dude, I told you. My main responsibilities here, aside from making cars and engines, is to make sure that every staff member here is happy. That’s how we roll here, Led.
That’s one of the main reasons why we are a billion-dollar company, man.
I don’t know why you were so afraid to tell me that you were fucking miserable.
But it was written all over your face for months.
I just knew that you had to tell me on your own time, otherwise it would crush you. ”
We're searching each other’s eyes. I never knew that he would take it so well.
He adds another statement that I don’t expect. “I love you, man. And I want you to be happy. Whatever I can do to get you there, just let me know.”
“So, I’m not going to leave you hanging to dry by jumping ship at such a critical time?”
Rush interjects. “Halen’s already on it, man. No worries. We’ve got a chick that’s fucking dying to get in here.”
I look at Jagger again. “Are you sure?”
His face softens. He removes his hands from my shoulders. He speaks with a chuckle. “Dude, get the fuck out of your office. You’re fired.”
Kinder words were never spoken.
I hear a knock at around lunchtime. “Come in.”
I’m making sure that all my files are in the shared drive, so that Jagger and this chick that is taking over my job, is in the know. When I lift my head, I see Jinny’s face, and I smile. “How’s it going?”
She closes the door behind her. “I should have called first. You look busy.”
“No, it’s fine. What’s up?”
“I...um...I saw an email from Jagger saying that some girl is coming to be interviewed for the CFO’s position. He didn’t leave any details. But I assume since there wasn’t a tsunami that followed between you and Jagger, that you’re well aware. Do you want to catch me up?”
“I quit. Well, he fired me, to be exact.” I say this with a smile.
She’s confused. “You seem...happy...about that.”
“Well, then, I guess you’re the last to know.”
“Know what?”
“That I hate working here. I hate working for family, with family, and I hate it that I hate it, which adds to the mess.” I take my eyes off the screen and look at her. She’s perplexed as she sits in the guest chair.
“Is it because of me? Did you start feeling this way because of me working here now? Did I spoil it for you?”
I smile and place a hand on hers. “Way before you, Jinny. Waaaaaaay before you.”
She sits back and exhales. “What’s so difficult about it? I mean, Jagger’s great to work with. So is Bowie. I’ve worked with her for as long as I can remember.”
“I guess it’s just because I’ve wanted to be on my own for a while.
It’s not personal. Well, it became personal, due to the circumstances.
But now I have the freedom to open my own business, which is what I’ve wanted to do for a long time, but I was too much of a fucking softie to say anything.
Fortunately, my brother fucked my architect, and all of them knew all along. ”
She lifts a brow.
I wave. “That’s another story.”
A head shake. “I can’t believe how...happy you are.”
I search her eyes. God, I want to tell her that this isn’t the only reason why I’m so happy. This is one way that it complicates things less. In an ideal world, when you start to fall for someone, you’re not working with them. I’ve just created an ideal world without even realizing it.
...if only I could enjoy the world completely for what it is.