Chapter 21
CHAPTER 21
KAI
I knew it was foolish to leave my ring and cell phone behind, but I had to get out of that house. I had to get away.
When I got dressed in a haste, I had no destination in mind. I wanted to walk, to get out of my own head for a while. Men were everywhere, patrolling the perimeter like we were the fucking Pope. It took too long for me to sneak past them, but I managed it, walking in the direction of where I ordered my cab.
I tell the cab driver to take me across town to a bar that I scoped out before. It’s not owned by the Whitlocks, but they pay them protection money. So, they’re in the Whitlocks pocket, but they won’t know who I am. It’s the perfect place to drown my sorrows.
Pop is dead. He’s fucking dead. A bullet sheared off half his face. No matter how many times I repeat it, I can’t wrap my head around it.
I haven’t known how I felt about him for most of my life. I wanted his attention, his approval, but I’m not sure I loved him. So why am I so broken up about him dying? I can’t explain it. I just know there’s a gaping hole in my chest that I don’t know how to fill.
Sitting at the bar, I point to the top shelf vodka and hold up five fingers. The man looks at me with a raised eyebrow but sets out five glasses and pours me five shots. I toss three back quickly, allowing the burn to settle something deep within my chest. It doesn’t make me feel on the level by a long shot, but it stops my thoughts from spiraling too much.
Pop should have been at home. Dominic told me and Carter that, as heads of the St. Clair and the Whitlock families, we were expected to show up. We were there to represent the family. So why was Pop in attendance?
I scoff as I take the fourth shot, shaking my head as I flip the glass over and set it on the bar. He showed up because he hated me. He never wanted me to do anything on my own. As I sit and think about it, I realize that I was an accessory to Pop. A way to tell people he had an heir that would take over for him, but he never had any intention of letting me do it.
Why didn’t I see this so clearly before? I knew he didn’t like me, but I didn’t want to believe he loathed me.
I knock on the bar once more and hold up five fingers again. The bartender walks over to me, leaning against the bar. “You got keys, friend?”
“Not driving and not your fucking friend. Pour me the drinks or give me the fucking bottle.” The bartender just shakes his head and pours me five more shots. I waste no time swallowing two of them down. The burn has eased, making it easier to toss back the third. The rest follow quickly, the burn now nonexistent.
My limbs feel light, and I get a spacey feeling in my head. I feel tipsy, but it’s not enough. I want to be drunk off my ass until I can’t think. I don’t want the events of tonight running through my head. Not just about Pop, but Carter.
He could have been killed tonight too. The fucking Fensters almost took the love of my life away from me.
I saw him go down with a body on top of him and I thought he was dead. My heart seized, thinking I would have to be without him forever. That bloody lump in my chest didn’t start beating again until he stood up and called my name.
Carter saved me tonight in more ways than one. I wanted to fight against him when he handed me that vest. I’ve never worn one before and I didn’t plan to start tonight. But when I saw the earnest look in his eyes, I knew I’d do anything for him.
“Fuck.” I lower my head to the bar but snap it up again. A feeling of deja vu washes over me. I look around at the bar patrons, checking to see if three men will jump out of nowhere to rob me.
Shaking my head, I stand up from my stool and weave my way to the door. There won’t be a repeat of what happened the last time I pulled a disappearing act. I make sure I go through the front door, nowhere near the alley. No one follows me out, even though the bartender keeps his eyes on me. I give him a two-finger salute before I turn back to the street.
I pick a random direction, and I start walking, trying not to sway too much. The night air helps clear my mind and I’m able to focus on where I’m going. I have no destination in mind, just want to walk to get away from myself.
A faint smile crosses my lips when I stuff my hands in the pockets of my sweatpants. In Carter’s sweatpants. Then my smile drops. Fuck, he’s going to be pissed. I try to keep a hold of that thought, but nothing sticks. After a while, I let it go. That’s a thought for sober Kaison. Right now, I need to take my mind off my father’s death and how he was missing half his skull.
When I get my hands on them, I will fucking execute the Fensters. Every single one of them. With Carter by my side, we’ll wipe them off the face of the Earth and I’ll have a smile on my face the entire time. They fucked up not only by killing Pop but almost killing Carter.
A jolt flashes through my mind as I replay the burst of blood that clouded the air when someone aimed at him. My chest feels tight as I remember the pain I felt when I saw him go down. I couldn’t get a good shot at the man that aimed his gun at him and only Nico’s hand around my waist kept me from running out to make sure Carter was okay.
I don’t know how long I walk. After a while, I let my mind wander away from the events of tonight. It felt good not to think about anything too heavy. I would continue to walk for the rest of the night, but my steps are getting sluggish, and my vision is starting to double. I sway on my feet and end up against the wall of a building. Putting my hands on my knees, I breathe in through my nose and blow it out through my mouth. Over and over I breathe so I don’t vomit. Maybe that last shot was too much.
My head clears marginally, allowing me to stand and continue walking. Through my drunken state, I recognize the street I’m on.
Weaving down the sidewalk, the grungy building comes into view, and I smile. At least I have somewhere to sit for a few minutes.
Checking my pockets to make sure I at least have my wallet—I do—I enter The Devil’s Den. Rubbing a hand down my face, I stand up straighter and hope I don’t look as drunk as I feel.
I just want somewhere I can sit for a while to sober up. I can’t go home to Carter like this. He’s already going to be pissed that I took off during the height of this war, the same night we were shot at. I want to at least have a coherent conversation with him about it.
My fingerprints are taken after I show my ID, and I’m allowed admittance to the club. The Devil’s Den doesn’t serve alcohol, so I plan to order a water, hoping to sober up. I’m not sure what I was thinking with ten shots of vodka. I never drink vodka, so I didn’t know it would hit me so quickly.
I take a seat at the bar and order a water and a Coke. The server looks at me questioningly, but hands over my drinks. I guzzle the water, my mouth feeling dry and my tongue thick.
The coke I drink slower, taking small sips, hoping I don’t feel the urge to vomit again.
“Hey,” someone says, touching me on the back. A woman in a leather bustier and a spiked collar sits next to me. “Want to play? I’m looking for a Dom to punish me tonight.”
“I saw him first,” a male voice says from behind me. I try to turn to see who it is, but the room starts spinning so I stop. A man that has the same collar as the woman and a fishnet shirt stands on my other side. “I think he might be on my team.”
“That’s okay,” she says, running a finger up my arm. “He doesn’t have to fuck me to use that flogger. You see the muscles on him?”
The guy hums and squeezes my biceps. I move my arm to bat him off, but it’s like I move in slow motion. My body feels light and heavy at the same time. “So strong. He could?—”
“Go away,” a new voice says, making my head spin more. “Leave him alone. He came to see me.”
I know that voice.
Swallowing roughly, I turn around and see the tiny twink Carter and I tried to have some fun with when I hated him. The slim man has on another pair of hot pants, these ones dark purple. Paired with his tiny shorts is a sheer shirt that shows off his pierced nipples. He’s hot, there’s no doubt about it, but he’s not Carter.
Swallowing past my thick, dry tongue, I say, “I’m not?—”
“Come on, sweetie,” Tiny Twink says, grabbing both of my hands and pulling me off my stool. “I have the room ready.”
I trip over my feet, following behind him. I’m not sure why. I have no intention of doing anything with this man, so a room would be wasted, but I don’t want anyone else pawing over me either. At least I’m slightly familiar with tiny twink.
We walk down a hallway and make a left, away from the rooms with the open panels that I usually use, to rooms that are for private use. He opens the first vacant room and guides me to the bed, pushing me down until I’m lying on my back.
I bat his hands away. “No, don’t. Nothing is gonna happen.”
“I know,” he says, and I note that the sultry hint to his voice is gone. “You’re drunk and if security catches you, they’ll toss you out. You’re in no shape to be on the streets.” He goes over and locks the door, leaning against it before turning to me. “Can I call someone for you?”
Nothing is funny, but I laugh anyway. “Yeah,” I say through my laughing fit. “My husband. He’s gonna be pissed.”
Tiny Twink sighs. “What’s his number?” I recite it to him, tripping over the numbers before I remember their order.
When Carter and I got married, I made sure to memorize his number in the event I was taken hostage and managed to get free. I didn’t think I’d need it because I was drunk off my ass and left my phone at home on purpose.
“Stay here,” Tiny Twink says in a voice louder than it should be. Or maybe it’s my drunken brain amplifying the sound. “I’ll give him a call and I’ll come wait with you. Nothing will happen to you, and I won’t try anything. I promise.” He leaves before I can say anything further.
Carter is going to flip out. I wonder what he’s doing.
I sit up and put my head in my hands, the room spinning around me. This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have left like that. My head was all fucked up with Pop being killed and Carter being shot at, but I shouldn’t have run. That’s my default when shit gets to be too much—I take off. When Pop pissed me off, I would leave. When something at my company didn’t go right, I would leave. I never face shit head on. I never stick around to fix what might not even be broken.
After a night like tonight, if Carter had taken off, leaving his cell phone and ring behind—both of which have GPS tracking on them—I’d be worried. Then when I found out he was okay, I’d be fucking livid.
If I know Carter, he will be. And I can’t run from whatever he feels. If he wants to shout at me, fight me, fucking choke me out, I’ll let him. I fucked up. I need to face that.
The door opens and Tiny Twink steps back in. He takes a seat on the chair across from me, looking at me quizzically. “Are you okay?”
“No. Not at all. I shouldn’t have come here. I should have stayed home with my husband.”
He nods, looking at me with solemn eyes. “If you want to talk, you can. I’m not sure how long it’ll take your husband to get here. Or we can just sit in silence. Up to you.”
“What’s your name?” I ask suddenly. “I keep calling you Tiny Twink in my head.”
He laughs loudly, and it sounds melodic. It flows over me, reminding me of Carter. Not because they sound the same, but because they sound so different. If I didn’t know before, I know now. I fucking love my husband.
“It’s Jamie. What’s yours?”
“Kai. Kaison. St. Clair-Whitlock. I took my husband’s last name too. He’s…he’s amazing. Weirdly funny. Like that dry humor. He makes these stupid jokes that aren’t funny. I don’t laugh because I like to rag on him, but I enjoy them. And he’s hot as fuck.” I look over at Jamie, who is gazing back at me with interest. Not like he’s interested in me, but about me talking about Carter. “I used to hate him. For years, I hated him. We fought all the time. I never thought he’d end up being the perfect man for me.”
“That’s sweet,” he says, smiling at me. “Not many people like their husbands.”
“Yeah, I like him. I love him, actually. Never thought it would happen. Never thought I was capable of love. But Carter…he’s everything I didn’t know I needed. I think the sun rises and sets on him. He is my everything.”
Jamie sighs with his hand on his chest. “That’s the kind of love I want. It’s precious.”
“It’s scary as fuck. I almost lost him tonight. I thought?—”
A loud knock rattles the door, making Jamie jump violently. He scurries over and unlocks it, stepping out of the way just as Carter rushes through. He takes me in, my rumpled shirt, my hair that’s probably wild all over my head and turns to Jamie with a murderous expression. Jamie steps back, holding his hands up.
“Nothing happened,” he says, voice trembling. “I’m the one that called.”
“He’s telling the truth, babe,” I say, my voice slurred. “He led me here so I could rest. Are you here to take me home?”
Carter stares at Jamie for another few seconds, then looks at me. The murderous expression bleeds away, replaced with concern. “Yeah, pretty baby. I’m here to take you home.”
“Good. I wanna go home.” My voice sounds so small; I barely recognize it.
An arm wrapped around my shoulder, Carter leads me out of the room. When we get to the club proper, I see Gavin and Nico waiting by the entrance. Nico shoots me a hard look, no doubt pissed that I slipped out on him for a second time. I’ll have to fucking grovel to get his forgiveness this time. But I’ll do it. Whatever it takes.
No more running.
The ride home is spent in silence, Carter holding me close. I cling to him as well, not wanting to let him go. Ever.
He helps me inside since I’m still drunk and stumbling. The stairs are difficult after the first two or three, but we make it. In our room, he sits me on the bed, bending down and taking off my shoes. He undresses me down to my underwear, then tucks me between the sheets.
“Carter, I?—”
He puts a finger to my mouth, shaking his head with sorrowful eyes. A long sigh leaves his lips before he says, “Just go to sleep, Kai.”
Turning over to my left side so he can paste himself to my back, I do what he says and go to sleep.
I’m not sure what woke me. One minute, I was asleep, the next, I’m staring up at the ceiling. The night is still, like we’re frozen in time. From how he’s breathing, I know Carter is awake too. Did we wake up at the same time or had he been awake while I slept off my drunkenness?
“You okay?” Carter asks, his face is tucked into my neck.
“No.” It’s the most honest I’ve been with him about my feelings. While Carter has been all in, saying and doing whatever he feels, I’ve held a part of myself back. I didn’t want to admit it earlier tonight, not even to myself, but what Pop always said to me affected me more than I thought.
He told me I’d always be alone. He said I’d always be a failure. He said I would never do anything to make this family proud. I brushed him off while he was saying these things, but they burrowed deep into me, shifting something inside me that I didn’t know was off.
Then Carter came along and started shifting that piece back into place, making me whole again. The person I least expected makes me feel like a man I haven’t known for years. He’s done more for me in the few months that we’ve been married than my own father did in my entire life.
It’s still baffling that I reacted the way I did when I saw Pop’s corpse. A weight is lifted from my shoulders, but that pesky hole is still gaping in my chest. Maybe Carter can help fill that too.
His lips on my neck ground me, pulling me out of my spiral of thoughts. “What do you need?” There’s no anger in his tone. No annoyance, no irritation. Just worry. It’s so profound that it makes my heart ache.
“I need you not to leave me. I know I fucked up, running again, but I’ll do better. It won’t happen a third time. Just…don’t leave me.”
“Kaison,” he breathes, sitting up to look down at me. “I won’t say I’m not pissed that you ran away from me. I won’t say I’m not fucking livid that you left your phone and ring behind. I won’t say I wasn’t half out of my mind, thinking somehow, the Fensters found a way to take you away from me. All those things are true.” I look away, shame lighting up my chest. Carter cups my cheek and turns me back to face him. “But I wouldn’t leave you. We have a lot to talk about, especially because of Charlie’s death and how you’re dealing with it, but I understand the urge to run.”
“I’m really sorry, Carter,” I whisper in a tear drenched voice. I’ve never felt this all-consuming feeling before. Like I’ll die if he doesn’t forgive me. I’ve never been worried about losing anyone before, but the thought of Carter leaving me makes my chest constrict. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”
His thumb strokes my cheek, and I lean into his touch, relishing the feeling of his hands on me. This is the shit that Carter does that lets me know he’s all in. He shows me his feelings. He gives me affection. He calls me by my pet name for everyone to hear.
I’m right there with him, wanting to show him and the world that he’s mine and we’re forever.
Carter smiles down at me, the moonlight reflecting off his even teeth. “I know you didn’t. I know why you ran. Just…Kai, don’t run from me . You have to know I’ll always be there for you. You can talk to me about anything, and I won’t run. Not from you. We’re a team now. Anything you go through, I go through.”
I nod, unable to speak for a few moments.
Arranging himself better on the bed, Carter pulls me into his arms and holds me tight. “How are you feeling? About Charlie?”
My shoulders lift in a shrug. “I don’t know. It was fucked seeing half his face blown away. I just wish…I don’t know, that maybe angry words weren’t the last we’d spoken to each other. Pop rarely had a kind word for me, but I’ll have to live with knowing that our last conversation was him telling me I wasn’t good enough.”
Carter’s heavy sigh rumbles under my head, his chest rising and falling with the motion. “You are good enough, Kai. Always know that. Charlie was an ass and could think what he wanted, but that doesn’t mean he was right. I’ll spend the rest of our lives proving it to you.”
My arms wrap tighter around Carter, never wanting to release him. He wraps me up just as tight, holding me together. I fear if he lets me go, I’ll rent in two. “My father is dead, Carter.”
“I know, pretty baby. And I’m sorry. I’ll help you get arrangements in order, and with the financial side of things. We’ll get through it. I promise.”
A sad smile tugs at my lips. “Thank you.”
We lie silently in bed for a few minutes and my eyes start to feel heavy. Before I can doze off, Carter rolls on top of me and puts his hand around my throat. He applies pressure, making my eyes bug out. His eyes have taken on that murderous look, causing fear to lance through me.
Putting his face close to mine, he snarls, “If you ever take off your fucking ring again, I will fucking kill you. I love you too fucking much to lose you because you’re being a fucking idiot.”
Even though my breathing comes out choppy, my heart feels light. Carter loves me. Carter loves me . God, he’s a fool for that, falling in love with me. He’ll never be able to get rid of me now.
I nod frantically, placing my hand over his. He lets me go and I drag in a ragged breath. Then I smile. A real, genuine smile, which Carter returns. “I love you too, babe.”
He kisses me softly, nestling his body between my legs. “Don’t run from me again.”
“Never again,” I say between kisses. “I won’t run.”
Resting his forehead against mine, Carter’s gentle breaths drift over my lips. “I can’t live without you, Kaison. A man can’t live without his heart.” He places his hand on my chest, over that wildly beating organ behind my ribs. “You’re my fucking heart.”
“Just like you’re mine.”
“I’d do anything for you. You know that, right?”
I nod, a small smile spreading on my face.
Carter rolls over to lie beside me, dragging me into his arms again.
“And Carter?” I say against his chest. He tips my head up so I’m meeting his eyes. “Send the twink from The Devil’s Den a tip or something. He’s the one that kept the vultures away. He didn’t try anything. He got me away so he could call you.”
Carter’s lips twitch just before he gives me a soft kiss. “Anything you want, Kaison.” Then he reaches over to his nightstand, grabs my ring, and slides it back on my finger.
Where it belongs.