Chapter Thirty-eight
H is words have been replaying inside my head for the past several hours, and as I move the makeup brush over my cheeks, adding a little blush to finish the look, my eyes well once more with hot tears.
“Fuck,” I grumble, turning my face to the ceiling as I blink rapidly to try to clear away the water before it ruins the eyeliner and mascara I put on. When the threat of smudged makeup is gone, I return to face the mirror, finishing the look with some deep red lipstick.
The door behind me bursts open, making me jump, and Savannah bundles into the room, “You’ve been keeping secrets!” She squeals.
I wince toward my best friend, “In my defense, it’s new.”
“Ha,” She scoffs, “No, it’s not.”
“Huh?” I question.
“Dean’s been gone for you for months. We all knew it, you just had to catch up.”
I stare at her.
“What?” She flutters her lashes innocently. “He didn’t exactly hide it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Remember your attack a few weeks ago, when he came bursting into the house and it scared you?”
I shiver at the memory. “Yes?”
“He made it pretty clear then that you were his.”
My mouth drops open, “We hadn’t even kissed.”
Savannah gives a shrug, “Don’t know what to tell you, babe, but Dean made sure we all knew.”
My cheeks heat, and my stomach does a little flip-flop that has me pressing my hand to it.
“So have you told him?” Savannah pulls a compact mirror from her bag and tidies up her lipstick.
“Told him what?” I stand from the vanity stool and head over to her, straightening the pink dress I picked out for the night.
She whistles as she gets a look, the neckline is low, and a long silver chain falls between my breasts. The waist is tight before it flares at the hip and stops around mid-shin, with a split that stops a little below the hip.
When Savannah called to ask if we wanted to go out, I couldn’t say no, and because I didn’t say no, Dean got Bast and Willow to take Lily for the night so he could come, which prompted Killian to also come.
So, now it’s a double date of sorts, and I’m excited. The usual anxiety about going out isn’t present, and I know it has a lot to do with the people around me. It feels good, freeing.
“That you love him,” She raises her brow.
The declaration comes back anew, and those damn hot tears.
Savannah’s eyes widen, “What?” She gasps, noticing the glazed eyes, “What is it?”
I wave a hand before I fan my face in an attempt to dry them before they fall and ruin my makeup.
“Sloane?” Sav presses.
“No, no, I’m fine!”
“You’re crying!”
“I’m being silly,” I dismiss it, “I’m just scared.”
Her eyes soften, “Oh, babe.”
“I’ve lost everything once,” I say quietly, “I don’t want to start something if I’m going to lose that too.”
“I think it’s a little late,” She sits next to me, grasping my hand, “But you can’t live in fear forever, Sloane; it isn’t fair. Not for you, not for Dean. I haven’t seen you this happy in a long time, and it started when you let yourself live a little, getting a job and getting out of the house.”
“Hey!” I pout, “I got out of the house before.”
“You went from door to library or café. For a few hours at most. Dean is good for you, and I think if you don’t let yourself experience this, whether or not it ends, you’ll regret it.”
“I know you’re right,” I glance to my best friend, “But it doesn’t make it easy.”
“Love him, Sloane, because you only get one shot at true, honest to god love, and if this is that shot, and you walk away, you’re only going to hurt yourself.”
“When did you get so wise?” I joke, attempting to lighten the mood that has settled over us. I was excited for the night, I guess I still am, but I feel heavy.
She shoves my shoulder with a laugh.
“If it helps,” She stands and straightens her dress, looking as beautiful as always, “You and Dean are totally hot together, and if I could watch without it being weird, I would.”
“That’s weird.”
“I know,” She agrees. “Anyway, we gotta go, the cab got here like ten minutes ago, and it’s about to leave if the billion texts from Killian are anything to go by.”
“Why didn’t you say!?” I quickly check my reflection in the mirror to make sure I haven’t smudged anything and straighten my dress, grabbing the heels I picked for the night so I can hurry and not fall as I follow Savannah out of the room.
“Because we had to talk,” She says matter of fact, “You needed me, and they can wait.”
“I love you; you know that, right?” I speak to the back of her head.
“I know, babe. I love you, too.”
Killian is waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs, his dark eyes, so similar to Deans running over her as if the minutes they were apart were enough for something to happen to her.
When he’s satisfied she’s in one piece, he reaches for her and presses a tender kiss to her temple.
Behind him, Dean leans on the door frame, his arm out of the sling so he’s able to cross them over his chest. His pain appears more manageable now, and he has full movement.
His eyes, free of his glasses tonight, dip down me and with it, he untucks one of his hands to run a finger across his bottom lip.
He grins behind his hand before he lifts it and swirls his finger, silently asking me to turn for him.
At the base of the stairs, I do as he asks, giving a full three sixty, the shoes dangling from my finger.
When I stop and meet his eyes again, they’re burning with a fierce kind of hunger I feel deep under my skin.
Killian clears his throat, “When you’re quite done.”
My cheeks heat. “Sorry.”
But Dean chuckles, his hand sliding down my spine in a comforting gesture, “Don’t be. He tortured us all for weeks with the PDA after he and Savannah went public.”
“I remember,” I laugh, watching Savvy’s cheeks heat this time.
In the next second, Killian clips Dean around the ear with his hand, “Don’t embarrass my girl.”
“Oh my god,” Savannah groans dramatically, “Would you stop?”
Dean bursts out laughing, “Well, are we leaving?”
Killian stares for a little bit longer but relents and follows Savvy out of the house, but right before we can step out behind them, Dean pulls me in, dips me low, and pauses right with his lips whispering on mine.
Not touching, there’s a hair's width gap between but I feel the push of air, the warmth of him.
“I really want to fucking kiss you, Sloane. Smear this pretty lipstick, but you look so beautiful, and you spent so much time doing it.”
“Dean,” My voice shakes as I whisper his name.
“I love you,” He reminds me before he dips his head and peppers kisses down the column of my throat, and then rights us to standing, leaving me dizzy as I follow him out of the house.
But still, I don’t repeat it.
I’m going to, I tell myself. I will say it back because I do love him. I think I have for a long time, even though I refused to admit it.
I’d always dreamed of being loved by a man like Dean, but the fantasy becoming reality is so much more.
More intense.
More fulfilling.
Just more.
And I want to hoard it all, trap it in mason jars so it can never leave.
Killian is in the front seat when we get to the cab, and Dean helps me into the back, sliding in beside Savannah, and he follows, closing us in the small space and the driver immediately pulls into the street. His hand falls to my leg, almost absentmindedly, as he looks out the window.
With the position I see the gun tucked into the inside pocket of his jacket. Killian is likely armed too. With their jobs, they probably always are.
I don’t feel horror or fear with either of them.
And as I stare at that weapon, at the violence and the protection it will bring, I settle into the feeling of being home.
Because that is what I have found.
Savannah has always been that person, but with her, I’ve gained so much more.
And she’s right, walking away from it will leave me with too many regrets. I cannot live in fear anymore.
I refuse.