26. Guilty
GUILTY
Ivy
My entire body was soaking wet. The cold seeped into my bones as I bolted past everyone and up the stairs to the second floor. Slamming the bathroom door closed behind me, I turned the shower on, all the way to hot, and climbed in—clothes and all.
My butt slid along the bottom of the tub and the water beat down on me, yet I still didn’t feel the warmth I had outside. My heart raced, nothing slowing it down as my mind turned it all over again.
I couldn’t even be angry with him about what happened out there, because it was me that pushed. Me that took those last steps and all but threw myself at him. It was as if after everything he’d done for me lately, and especially tonight, something inside of me just cracked.
Time swept by—could’ve been moments or hours—when the door clicked open and her voice entered my rapid train of thoughts.
“Ivy?”
I didn’t respond. She knew where I was, so why bother? Should’ve locked the damn door. The shower curtain pulled open enough for her to glance in and see me. She crouched down so we were on eye level and reached over, her hand settling on my forearm.
“Should I crawl in with you?”
I shook my head. “Not enough room for all that.”
“We could make room. I don’t mind.” She shrugged with a small smile. “You scared everyone down there pretty bad. Wanna tell me what’s going on?”
My eyes glued to the drain as the water rushed down it, more filling up and flowing around me, but she didn’t push before I finally whispered. “I kissed him.”
“Who? Oliver? He kissed you?”
The shock was evident in every single one of the words, every question she posed. Reaching in, she turned off the water and draped a towel around my shoulders, pulling it tight, and then tossed another towel on the bottom of the tub, which she sat on.
Our eyes finally met, and I shook my head. “No. I kissed him, Aspen. I kissed him. I’m a lying, cheating bitch, and I’m just as bad as that piece of shit back in my apartment.”
She nodded, her brows pulled together as her teeth sank into her bottom lip once more. The movement rolled the flesh back and forth as she stared at me.
“Okay, let’s start from the beginning. How does that sound?”
“Why bother? That’s the fucking story. I’m a slut. A horrid slut.”
She blew out a breath and shook her head. “Yeah, I’m gonna need a drink for this, and I’m also getting Payton and Ember.”
I shook my head. “I can’t go back out there.”
“We’re not. We’re going to the guest room where we’ll stay all damn night if that’s what you want. But I’m getting the rest of the girls and alcohol, because damn.”
Nodding, I slowly got to my feet, only to remember I was still in my now-soaked clothes.
“It’s fine, I got another set for moments just like this. They’ll be on the bed when you get out.” I almost laughed at the ridiculousness of my best friend knowing I’d need more clothes than just the singular pair, but that was a laugh for another time.
Once Aspen was out of the bathroom, I stripped off my wet clothes and turned the water back on. Hair and body were washed as my mind wandered in one direction—constantly replaying what happened outside. An infinite time loop that never seemed to end.
I’d kissed him.
Me.
I’d moved.
My feet had closed that distance that felt endless between us for months, and I’d kissed him.
Shaking my head, I turned off the water and climbed out.
Towel-drying off, a brush through my hair, and I stared into the mirror as I started to braid it over my shoulder, but something in me just…
snapped. Staring at myself in the mirror.
Vivid green eyes. The long blond hair I’d had my entire life.
The hair that every man complimented when they tried to flirt with me, and I hated it.
I dug through the bathroom drawers, my brain intent on one single thing. I knew she had some. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind. My hands clasped the cold metal, and as I retightened my towel around my chest, I made no single move to stop. I wouldn’t second-guess this.
The metal shears sliced through my long hair. Five sections total and a pile of blond hair sat in the sink.
No going back now.
A soft knock at the door had Aspen’s head popping in.
“Hey, I have a green set or—” She stopped, her eyes taking me in. “Oh.”
I held out the scissors to her. “Can you even it out? Doesn’t have to be perfect. I’ll probably go in and get it shaped out and shit this week.”
Slowly entering the bathroom, she nodded. “You seem…calmer than before.”
I shrugged as I turned and stared into the mirror as she combed out my hair and evened out the main portions of my new look. It sat just below my shoulders. Which meant once it was shaped and dry, it would probably just touch along my collarbones.
Good.
The minutes ticked by while she finished up, and I scooped the hair up and into the trashcan.
“I’m going to rinse off one more time and I’ll meet you in the bedroom,” I explained, turning the shower on one more time. I hated when the hair stuck to me, and knowing the women in my life, they’d want a full play-by-play of what happened. I needed to not be an itchy mess.
“Um, okay.” Aspen nodded as she walked out. It was clear which of us was now in shock—and it wasn’t me.
Stepping back in the shower, I rinsed off and grabbed a clean towel. I was in the guest room, Aspen, Ember, and Payton on the bed waiting for me, in less than five minutes.
I slid on the exact same pajamas I’d been in before, only these were an emerald green instead of the pink. Cross-legged in the middle of the bed, I ran my fingers through my abnormally short hair.
“Regretting it?” Aspen asked as she sat next to me, her long, dark brown hair down around her shoulders.
“Nope. I don’t even know why I did it. I was staring at myself in the mirror and I dunno, I just…acted. Like maybe I needed to document this day with something drastic.”
“You kissing your boss in the pouring rain wasn’t drastic enough?
” Ember asked with a giggle. “Aspen filled us in when we got up here.” An arched red brow and a smirk donned her face, and I tried not to smile.
Nothing about this was funny in the grand scheme of things, but they were right. That was drastic.
“Okay, moving past the ick over it being my big brother, welcome to the family,” Payton began, her brown eyes wide as she motioned for me to start talking. “Now, give us the play-by-play.”
I let out a slow breath, thinking about where to start.
“So, he got me a birthday gift.” I spoke softly, as if this were a secret between the four of us.
“And I know you’ll ask, so I’ll tell you before you jump on top of me.
He somehow figured out the best thing to get me for my book page.
Not only a cute sweatshirt, but backgrounds for my flat-lays and even a gift card for the local antique store.
It was…” My voice trailed off, unable to come up with the words.
“Why the antique store?” Payton asked.
I giggled before I could bite back the sound. “Some bookstagrammers will get antiques and cute little trinkets for their bookshelves and book photos.”
“Wow. My brother is thorough.”
“Seconding that!” Ember added.
“How would Oliver Carragan know that, while I don’t?” Aspen questioned.
I smiled. “Exactly the question.”
Shaking my head, I laid back on the bed, my legs dangling off, silence stretching between us as we stared at the ceiling.
I could hear the guys downstairs playing cards and drinking. Part of me wished to go back down those steps, walk across the room and seat myself in his lap as if it was something we did all the time.
“You really kissed him?” Aspen whispered; I nodded, nothing leaving my lips. “How are you feeling about that? How’d he react? What’d he say?”
A shrug, and my eyes went back on the ceiling.
“I don’t know. Guilty, yet not. Even more guilty for not feeling guilty. He reacted…enthusiastically? Theo came out and I just”—I shook my head—“I lost it. I told him this couldn’t happen. I have a boyfriend, and we can’t do this again.”
Payton was the first to start laughing, followed by Ember and Aspen. I joined in, my hands covering my face. It was as if the stress of it all was finally coming free and I couldn’t take it anymore. When I finally started to calm myself, I looked back to my best friends.
“What are you going to do?” Ember questioned.
I shrugged again. “No idea. Probably fuck it all up.”
“Ugh, I doubt that. I’ve been trying to hook Oliver up with so many women over the years. I don’t think my brother ever saw himself as a family man after Dad died. Has he told you about Emily?”
I nodded. “Yeah, we’ve talked about her.”
“So you know that marriage and kids wasn’t on his mind.
He loves Hudson, of course. I know he doesn’t have regrets.
But I think that one night together really brought him to a fork in the road he hadn’t foreseen, and when she died, it just destroyed him.
Here he was with this little toddler, and he was alone again, only not.
But he’s different around you, Ivy. The way he watches you.
Sees you. It’s something new I haven’t seen with him before.
You’re why I stopped trying to fix him up, to be honest.”
I wasn’t sure how much of that was the truth as my fingers played with the buttons along my top, my eyes on the ceiling. Oliver deserved to be happy, and I was a disaster walking. He deserved someone steady. Someone clearheaded who knew where she was going in life. Not the hot mess that I was.
“You’re over thinking over there. I can feel it,” Aspen muttered quietly.
“Let’s talk about something else.” I sat back up, looking back at my friends.
Aspen in her matching blue pajamas to mine.
Payton with her long, blond hair pulled up in a high ponytail and her gray sweats that stuck to her killer curves like a second skin.
Ember’s stunning red hair in two braids with one of Wyatt’s baggy college T-shirts.
They were all gorgeous, and I was beyond thankful for each one of them.
“How about we play matchmaker for the last remaining single woman in the group?”
Payton busted out laughing. “How about no.”
Aspen threw an arm around her. “Oh, come on, sis. You need a date to my wedding, after all. Let’s brainstorm who we can glue to your side.”
“I have an idea of someone who’ll look phenomenal in a suit,” Ember added with a smirk. “I hear he cleans up very well when he isn’t in his work uniform or throwing punches.”
A blush creeped into Payton’s cheeks. “Y’all suck. I’m sure I’ll find a date for the wedding. Preferably one who hasn’t cast me aside just because of who my brothers are. Don’t worry about that, ladies.”
Everyone started woo-ing as Payton shook her head and Ember started naming off random men she could think of. It was clear who Payton was thinking of, though, even if she wanted to pretend otherwise. After all, I was a pro at pretending I wasn’t thinking of a certain someone too.
It never worked well.