Chapter Forty-Six
Drew
There were no thoughts. Just colors.
Black, mainly.
The odd flash of blinding red would hit me right between the eyes and it felt like I was riding on top of an erupting volcano.
Every part of my body was working without instruction. My mind was empty. The only thing talking at this point was the fire in my gut and the long forgotten demon that was now flowing through my blood again.
With my fingers curling and twisting around the throttle, I somehow managed to navigate us down every winding street and road we needed to take, constantly checking my mirrors to make sure they were close behind.
The muscles along my jaw were flexing back and forth as I tried to see through the dark fog that had taken over, but it was pointless.
For now, I had to let go and ride. I had to get them to where they needed to be—where we all needed to be.
The safe house.
I led them for the last fifteen miles of the journey.
The bright lights of Babylon always began to fade when you got to the edge of the town, and as soon as the turns became tighter and the trees along the side of the streets became heavier, I picked up the pace and rode harder.
The van struggled to keep up with me at times.
Every corner that was too much made it creak and screech from being overworked, and even though I hated the idea of any of them suffering anymore inside that thing, we were out of time and options.
We were on the road to survival.
As soon as the front tire of my motor hit the gravel pathway that led up to the house, hidden another half a mile away into the trees, I began to swallow compulsively, desperate to hold onto the last shred of control I had.
For the first time in my life, I parked my Harley with no thought for it whatsoever.
Even though it wasn’t designed to be ridden that way, I slammed it to a halt and felt the wheels slide around beneath me.
I’d barely blinked before I leaped off my seat, threw my helmet to the ground and started to walk forward.
The van crawled up the small hill soon after. Where the bright lights would normally have had my face scrunching up or turning away, in that moment, nothing else mattered but seeing her again. Bullets could have been flying towards me and I wouldn’t have blinked.
It was only when the back doors flew open and Deeks jumped out that I began to wake up.
Then it was instant. My steps turned from a march to a jog within seconds, and before I knew it, my hand was holding onto the door and I was swinging myself around in a blind panic to see everyone.
Tate stood in front of me, but like the selfish bastard that I was, I didn’t care for anyone that wasn’t Ayda.
Looking past him, I saw Deeks and the low growl of frustration that left me was heard by every single fucking one of them, forcing them to move their asses that little bit quicker.
When she came into my line of sight, I just stood there, completely immobile, taking her in as her eyes met mine and I saw the tiredness and uncertainty that tainted them.
“Ayda…”
She shuffled under the scrutiny of my stare and approached me like I was a wild animal, her trembling hands reaching out for mine. “I’m okay.”
I reached out for her waist, lifting her out as carefully as I could before landing her on her feet.
Deeks, Kenny and Tate were all gathered in a circle behind her, and I could hear them checking if the young kid was alright, but all I could do was stare down at Ayda and try to swallow down the need for revenge on her attackers.
Flaring my nostrils, every muscle in my face flexed back and forth as my hands slid to her neck and I held her in place.
Her eyes searched mine with an intensity I hadn’t expected after what she’d just been through. She was scared, terrified actually, but the tension eased the moment I touched her. “Are… are you okay, Drew?”
The more I soaked up all the warmth from her body, the colder my blood ran at the thought of her being killed because of me.
Every breath I took in suddenly felt like it weighed a ton and it fucking hurt to release them.
The way she looked at me as I struggled to hold on to her had me swallowing that awful lump in my throat and taking a step away.
Resting a hand on my waist, I dipped my head and pinched the bridge of my nose to try and stop the darkness taking over again, but it was useless.
The outline of her face was imprinted onto the back of my eyelids, taunting me for being so reckless and careless, antagonizing me into a rage I wasn’t sure I could contain.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered under my breath.
“Drew?”
Snapping my head up towards Deeks, I avoided Ayda’s face.
“Is anyone else hurt?” I asked them all.
“All clear,” Deeks spoke up quickly.
“Deeks, take her inside. Take them all inside.”
“You okay?”
“Just do it!” I snapped back at him, my feet moving backwards as the anger and the hatred began to make my limbs shake.
This was like being back inside again—biding my time, holding onto my sanity by a thread, not wanting to hurt anyone unless I had to.
I couldn’t hurt them now. I’d done enough damage.
Deeks didn’t argue. His arm circled around Ayda’s wrists as he tried to pull her away, even when she resisted and attempted to shrug him off. No part of me wanted to hurt her, and I knew there was a chance that that’s exactly what I was doing, but it was the only option that was left.
“Just leave him be. Give him a minute,” Deeks whispered roughly in her ear.
Ayda glanced my way before nodding in agreement and allowing herself to be steered away, her eyes not moving from me.
Holding back, I kept my distance and tried to count in my breaths. The soles of their shoes crunched along the gravel path, and only when I was sure they’d made enough headway in front of me did I allow myself to spin around and let my head fall back between my shoulders.
The sky looked as black as I felt. Not one single thing was up there to remind me that this moment wasn’t as soul destroying as it felt. I could have lost her. Another person could have died because of me.
That’s when it all became too much. Swiveling around on the spot, I gritted my teeth together in a blind rage, grabbed hold of the van doors and slammed those fuckers shut with as much power as I could muster.
The sound of them crashing together rang out in the middle of nowhere like it was a goddamn bomb going off.
But I was stupid to think that that would be enough.
I was stupid to think I was ready to go to them.
They were inside by the time I got to the front of the van, and I could hear Kenny and Deeks trying to distract Ayda and Tate, and turn their attention away from me.
That’s when I should have taken a right into the pathway of the trees instead of charging after them, grabbing hold of Ayda’s waist and pulling her back towards me.
One hand slid roughly into her hair while the other gripped her hip, and I held her as close as I could get her.
My fingers were digging into her skin, but I couldn’t ease the tension and I couldn’t let her go, not even when I let my lips fall to the back of her head and kissed her, despite knowing she was as scared as I was.
“She’s okay, Tucker. We got her out,” Kenny said quietly in front of me.
I ignored that one.
“Yeah, man, we’re alive. It’s all good,” Tate spoke up from beside his sister, his voice shaking as he tried to clear it and make his assurances sound more convincing.
I somehow ignored that one, too.
Closing my eyes, I prayed for Deeks not to speak, but when he did, the murderous look I shot out from behind Ayda was aimed right in his direction.
“Go to town, Drew. Get it out now before you lose your shit later on and we all end up paying for it. Kitchen’s through there,” he muttered through a heavy breath.
I wanted to argue with him and tell him that I had this under control, but even I knew that was a lie, and I couldn’t have hated my lack of self-discipline any more than I did in that moment.
It didn’t take long for me to let her go, and I both felt and heard the air getting lodged in her throat as she watched me walk away. Staring at Deeks when I walked past him, I eventually made my way into the kitchen and closed the door behind me.
The rage rose to the surface like it was ready to come out and play.
My feet walked in a slow circle as my head turned and glanced around the room, assessing everything that was in front of me quietly.
My chest began to expand so much that I felt I was about ready to choke on all the air I was trying to drag in through my nose.
Only when I heard Ayda speaking quietly beyond the door did it all finally become too much.
There was a soundtrack of destruction playing in my mind, allowing me to roar free.
And then I lost it. All control slipped away and in its place was the pent up animal that was finally being allowed to hunt.
My arms slid across every surface, bringing everything on them crashing to the floor in a clatter of chaos.
Hair was falling forward over my eyes as I ripped off cupboard doors, the sounds of desperation and frustration growling out of my throat when I rammed my fist into the wall.
Tables were turned over, chairs were thrown at the window, and with every single thing that I broke, I felt a piece of myself begin to heal. There was survival in death. There was a feeling of taking control when insignificant things were shattered by your hands.
I was feral again. Even in that moment of pure, blazing but pointless carnage, it all seemed to be helping my cause. The tension was pouring out of me. I was the Drew Tucker of five years ago, and I loved every fucking second of it.
Until the door creaked open behind me.