Chapter Twelve
“I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine.”
MONROE
WHISPERS AND SIDE-EYED GLANCES accompanied me when I entered the dining hall. No doubt several, if not all of them, had seen the article. Winnifred had probably distributed copies. Strangely, though, she didn’t seem elated. In fact, she looked kind of miserable, slumped in her chair near Lady Catherine at the end of the table, sipping her tea. I wondered what had her so down.
My ex-fiancé looked more than happy, speaking quietly with Charlotte and obviously flirting with her. It validated my sneaking suspicion that he hadn’t come here for me. So why was he here? Unless, maybe, he wanted to humiliate me too. He could take a number.
Lady Catherine zeroed in on me and curled her thin lips. Determined now, more than ever, to be the very best Elizabeth I could be, I smiled at her, though I wanted to go back to my room and bawl my head off. But my head hurt from crying all night, and I had something to prove to myself. Admittedly, I also really loved the riding habit, and even though I felt as if my world had shattered, it seemed a waste not to show it off.
I was an embarrassment to the person I loved most, and now the entire world knew it. The expression on Fitz’s face in that awful tabloid photo said it all—my behavior horrified him and made him uncomfortable, and his words had confirmed it last night. I was apparently laughable. Granted, I did look ridiculous in the article’s photo, but why should anyone care how many bonnets I choose to wear? Why did I suddenly care? My dad always told me not to try to fit in where I didn’t belong, because the opposite of belonging was trying to fit in, and I’d lived by that principle. But I thought I’d belonged with Fitz, at least as his friend. I’d been wrong. So, so wrong. And now I worried that all these people were right about me. Was I one of the silly girls in Pride and Prejudice ?
I vowed to channel Elizabeth this week, despite my heart breaking from losing my best friend, my person. Sadly, I recognized I had never before experienced such a proper, all-encompassing kiss, and would now never experience one again. Why did he have to kiss me and show me what I’d been missing out on?
As daintily as I could, I took my seat, even though I wanted to crawl out of my skin. The whisperings and glances weren’t going anywhere.
Jane squeezed my hand under the table to lend me some support. She and Mr. and Mrs. Bennet had been amazing last night, just letting me sob and speak incoherently about how blindsided I felt. This was supposed to be a dream trip, but it was turning into a nightmare. Maybe I really was on Fantasy Island , except everyone on Fantasy Island got a happy ending and I couldn’t see how that would be possible in my case. The only thing I had going for me was pretending to be an amazing Elizabeth. I’ll tell you this: I couldn’t wait to reject Mr. Darcy when he proposed. And I didn’t care how nice Pemberley was. He could keep it. I’d actually been to Fitz’s estate plenty of times, and it was the loveliest place on earth. Even though his mother hated me and tried to make me feel unwelcome, Fitz always made me feel as if I’d come home. Ugh. I couldn’t think about it—it all felt like a lie now.
The liar—and best kisser in the galaxy—snuck in unbeknownst to me and stole the empty chair next to me. I smelled his expensive cologne with hints of bergamot and vanilla before he said a word. The stares and whispers intensified, especially among the staff.
“Monroe,” Fitz whispered in my ear while taking my hand, clasping it between his own. “Please let me make amends,” he pleaded. “Tell me how to fix us.”
Oh, how I wished he could fix us, but I didn’t think it was possible. How could we go back to what we were when it all felt like a lie now? And he didn’t want to fix us. He wanted to fix me. Wasn’t that the gist of last night’s revelation? Fix me so I fit into his world.
I willed myself not to feel our connection as I turned toward him and ripped my hand out of his. “You need to leave. You’re drawing attention to me, and I know how much you abhor that. I would hate to embarrass you even more than I already have.” My voice crackled with the emotion I was doing my best to keep under control.
His beautiful face went ashen.
“Mr. Darcy,” Lady Catherine called. “As my honored guest and nephew, I must insist you sit next to me. I must have my share of the conversation.”
Yes, please go, I silently begged him. I couldn’t have him sitting this close and looking as if he’d just lost his world too. It was confusing to me.
“I wish to remain near Elizabeth,” Fitz responded resolutely to her, and stayed seated by my side.
A hush went over the crowd.
I might have found his declaration romantic had I not known how he really felt about me. I could distinctly hear the list of all the things he wanted me to change about myself.
Lady Catherine rose in a menacing stance, red in the face for being put in her place. No one put people in their place better than Fitz. I had firsthand knowledge now, and let me tell you, it was beyond brutal.
“Now that we are all here, let us go over our schedule for the day,” Lady Catherine spoke in her most regal tones. “But before we begin, a most alarming report has come to my attention this morning. One of the watchmen told me that he heard a romantic pursuit last night near the stables.”
Half the table snickered. That sounded much more salacious than Lady Catherine probably meant. Even I had a hard time keeping a straight face.
“This we can’t have. It besmirches all that Jane Austen stood for.” Lady Catherine shook with fury. “I must remind you that we will not tolerate sneaking out at night. Well-bred, single ladies and gentlemen must never be alone with each other. Remember, you promised to abide by the rules and immerse yourself in the Pride and Prejudice experience.” Her dark eyes scanned the table, scrutinizing everyone, but of course they eventually landed on me.
Believe me, I had had a very real Pride and Prejudice experience last night. Like I said, Fitz spoke Darcy incredibly well. If ever I felt like Elizabeth Bennet, it had been last night. If only I had thought to quote her eloquently by telling him, “I might as well inquire why, with so evident a design of offending and insulting me, you chose to tell me that you liked me against your will, against your reason, and even against your character?” I supposed I would get my chance to use that line on day five when we acted out Darcy’s first proposal scene.
Doing my best Elizabeth impression, I didn’t act rattled by Lady Catherine’s scrutinizing gaze. Instead, I kept my head held high, even though I’d never felt more like a loser in my life. Rationally, I knew I shouldn’t let other people’s opinions of me shape how I felt about myself, but I had never experienced humiliation on an international level before. And to know my best friend agreed with the criticism made me feel the sting of it all more keenly.
Lady Catherine thankfully shifted her gaze and moved on. “Now, let’s go over our schedule for today. After breakfast, we will meet at the stables for a quick course on outdoor etiquette, and then we will immediately progress to riding lessons. Once riding lessons are over, we will return for tea and a light luncheon, followed by rehearsals for key scenes. I hope you each have memorized your lines. It is imperative that you do this to make sure all our guests have the best possible Pride and Prejudice experience. Do not let me or Jane Austen down,” she cautioned.
Why did I feel like I was destined to let them down, despite having memorized my lines and watching all the versions of Pride and Prejudice available dozens of times, hoping to capture the essence of Elizabeth.
Lady Catherine continued her meticulous review of the day’s schedule, which I think most of us—at least the women—had memorized. I knew that those of us staying in Longbourn were excited to start finally acting out the scenes we had adored for most of our lives. Even Lydia and Kitty admitted to being enamored with the world of Jane Austen. I had a feeling they weren’t as brash as they had initially appeared to be. Meanwhile, the men looked longingly at the honey and plum cakes waiting to be devoured on the table. Well, all save Fitz, who was staring longingly at me every time I glanced his way. It was both unnerving and confusing.
I begged myself to let my courage rise when people intimidated me. Not to say that Fitz was trying to intimidate me—to be honest, I wasn’t sure what he was trying to do, but his eyes refused to leave me. I could feel them on me.
“I think that is all. Tuck in,” Lady Catherine instructed.
“I don’t think I can eat.” Jane held her stomach. The poor thing was so nervous about the riding lessons.
“It will be fun,” I tried to assure her, while not being entirely convinced myself. I loved to ride, but riding sidesaddle in a long dress would probably be difficult.
“Uh-huh,” she said like she was Mariah Carey hitting all those unattainable high notes.
Fitz refused to be ignored any longer. “Monroe, that article was undeniably unfair, and I categorically disagree with it. I apologize sincerely for putting you in this position. I’ll see if Kingston can have the article removed.”
With a deliberate slowness, I turned to glare at him. “If only he could make me unsee the look of disdain on your face directed toward me in the photo.”
Fitz’s face fell. “You read it wrong.”
“I wish I had, but your expression in the photo and your words last night said it all. I embarrass you.”
He tried to disagree, but I wouldn’t let him.
“The thing is,” my voice wavered, “the article wouldn’t have bothered me so much if I’d had my person—you—in my corner.” I was beginning to realize that I’d never really cared what people thought of me because those who mattered most thought the world of me—why should I care what people who didn’t know me thought?
“Monroe.” Fitz took my hand. “I’m always in your corner.”
“Apparently you’ve been standing there judging me as much as the people who took that photo.”
Fitz’s wide eyes said he was horror-struck at the thought, but he didn’t disagree.
“What’s worse is to know you hid your supposed feelings from me all this time because you didn’t believe in me. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t believe in me.” As friends or as lovers.
“Nor should you. I would never want that for you,” Fitz spoke calmly, but he appeared rattled as he stood and walked away.
I watched him go and take my broken heart with him. It was then I realized I’d given him my heart long ago. How had I missed that?