Without You

– Sammy –

Juliette Jones

Shaking hands with Juliette Jones is a strange feeling, but as we release our grasps and I sit in the chair opposite her desk – in what just so happens to be my Daddy’s former office – a sense of all things strange washes over me.

Juliette is blonde and beautiful, with a smile that says she knows all sorts of juicy secrets – which she probably does – and mossy green eyes that are so sharp and all knowing, I feel like she knows every single thing about me, including what I ate for breakfast this morning.

“So, you’re taking care of business?”

I smile at her arrogant tone. “Yeah, guess so.”

“Where do you and your… husband stand?”

“We’re working on reconciliation.”

Juliette’s brows lift in surprise, and her hands fuss with a pen on the desk between us. “Reconciliation? That’s surprising. So you’ve spoken with Mr. Turner since arriving in town?”

Bluff. Bluff. And bluff some more. Juliette isn’t the enemy exactly, but she’s also not going to give me a free pass. “Yeah. He and I spoke, and we’re working on our marriage. We both agreed Lily’s needs are most important, so we’re doing everything we can to make things better.”

Juliette watches me suspiciously, biting her lip as though she’s consciously trying to keep her words in. “Where are you staying, Sammy?”

“Our first night here, we stayed over at the A-Line, but Sam and I spoke yesterday, and in an attempt to work together, Lily and I moved into his home. That’s where we slept last night.”

Juliette’s eyes grow wide. “You and the baby slept at his apartment last night? With him there?”

“Mmhm.” Bluff. Bluff. Bluff. I didn’t actually sleep more than an hour between Lily’s shitty sleep, and I have no idea if he was actually home or not. After storming out, he came back, showed me to his spare room, threw clean sheets on the unmade bed, and promptly disappeared again. He wasn’t in the kitchen when I came out to warm Lily’s milk at nine, midnight, or three, nor was he there when we emerged for coffee this morning, but he did leave a spare key on the kitchen table.

“That’s… interesting.” Juliette writes some notes, then tapping her pen on the desk again, she looks back up at me. “So, Mr. Turner is on board with adopting this baby?”

“Mmhm.”

“Okay. Well. You should know the next steps as well as I do. We both do similar things for work, Sammy. We just approach it from different angles.”

“Yeah. Next is financials. Then medical.”

“Do you need help scheduling the appointments?”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll take care of it.”

Juliette nods softly, then when Lily lets out an excited squeak and the rattling toys on her carseat move, Juliette’s eyes drop to the floor. She stands from her seat and leans over the desk. “Such a pretty baby.”

Lily’s fist strikes out again, drawing a smile to her chunky lips. I lean over and unclip her from the seat and lift her to my chest, and Juliette sits down again.

“It’s strange to me that she’s in my office.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I’ve been working on her case for a long time. Her eyes are darker than I expected. Her mom’s were much lighter.”

“Yeah, they’re getting lighter every day. I think they’re going to be light like Shari’s eventually.”

Juliette smiles. “Maybe. It’s funny how the universe works.”

My head angles to the side. “How so?”

“I just meant, Sam Turner has lovely blue eyes too.” At my narrowed gaze, she laughs and lifts her hands. “I’m engaged, relax. I’m not gunning for Sam Turner’s attention.”

“You’re engaged? That’s nice.”

Juliette smiles. “Yeah, my fiancé’s eyes are beautiful too.”

“Have you set a date yet?”

“He’s pretty keen to get me barefoot and pregnant, so I’ll probably have to stall on the ‘I do’s.’ I like my job too much to jump ship so soon.”

I laugh and watch Lily as she studies the room. “You sound pretty happy. I doubt you’ll mind jumping ship in the end.”

“I’ll jump,” she says with a smile. “But I’ll keep a foot in both camps. I’m in the process of buying Mr. Montgomery out, so I can’t go too far.”

My head snaps around the office uselessly. Art Montgomery. “He still works? Is he here today?”

“No, he’s away for the rest of this week. He’ll be back on Monday.”

My heart races as I realize my near miss, and my completely blanking on the fact his name is on the signage out front. I wonder if he’d even recognize me if he saw me? I haven’t changed a whole lot since high school, but at the same time, he’s an older man and I rarely spoke to him. Meg and I spent all our time sneaking out, not making small talk and bonding with him.

Juliette’s desk phone rings, and hitting the speaker button, a woman’s voice chirps through. “Hey Juliette. Jess just called. She said she’s on her way in now, and they’re bringing Charlie in for a visit.”

Juliette’s eyes flare quickly, then snatching up her phone, she murmurs softly. “Who’s coming? All of them? ... Jack too?” Juliette’s eyes come up to mine. “Shit. Okay. Keep them out until I finish up my meeting. Thanks.”

Juliette hangs up quickly, then stands and indicates to the door. “I have to go. My next meeting is on his way in, but it was lovely meeting you, Sammy.”

I frown at her quick dismissal, but since I was a walk-in without an appointment, I shrug my shoulders and bend down to place Lily back in her car seat. Juliette practically dances from one foot to the other in an attempt to rush me, so I move faster. I throw my bag over one arm, then standing straight and grunting with the weight of the carseat and Lily, I turn to the door as Juliette steps around me and holds it open.

We step out into a large reception area with two empty desks. Turning left and moving down the long hallway, I look at all the doors to read name tags. “You have a paralegal, right? I thought you mentioned one…”

“Yeah, I do.”

“I’m surprised I haven’t really talked to her. I’ve spent most of my career talking to paralegals, not lawyers themselves.”

“Yeah, she was on this case at the beginning, but as soon as I realized Mr. Turner was local, I took her off. Just in case of a conflict of interest.”

“Does she know him?”

“I’m not sure... I was just being careful. I’m not from around here, so without knowing you or Mr. Turner – from school, that is – I took over.”

I nod at her logic. “Smart choice. This is a small town.”

“Sure is.” She reaches past me to the front door of the office building, then practically shoves me out and smiles. “You have my card. Call me if you need anything. I can’t represent you officially, but I’m here to offer advice if you want it.”

“Okay, thanks--” She closes the door in my face, and frowning, I look around. I’m not at the front of the building at all, but the back. She’s shoved me out into the parking lot.

Strange… Conveniently closer to Sam’s apartment, but still, strange.

I look at my watch and note the time. It’s almost noon, which means more formula, then sleep for Lily. Shrugging my shoulders, I turn away from the law offices, and I start walking back to Sam’s apartment.

It occurs to me that I have no clue what Sam does for a living. I don’t know if he and the band actually play at all anymore, and if they do, do they still practice in his parent’s garage? Angelo works at the garage during the day, so that implies Sam has something else during the day too, but I can’t actually even guess at what it might be.

Butterflies bat at my stomach as I wander along the sidewalk and think about the band. I’ve seen Angelo and Sam, but I know that’s only half of the group from school. I wonder where Marc and Luc are these days. Are they still here? Are they still in the band? Did my folks make trouble for Marc and his sister?

I got my parents out of town and as far away as physically possible, but still, I didn’t keep up with them after I left. Juliette mentioned the original Chief Turner retired a few years back. Retired, not dishonorably removed from his job. So at least I know they left the Turners alone.

I turn the corner at the end of the block, then turning into Sam’s street, or rather, Angelo’s garage’s street, I wander and lug an almost asleep Lily as my left arm aches with her weight. The car seat weighs more than the baby inside, and every step I take has the solid plastic banging into my knee.

I should have brought the stroller, but I was feeling ambitious this morning and set out with less muscle than I thought.

Metal clangs on metal and guys joke and swear inside the garage, and the wind carries the sound so easily, I laugh at someone’s crude joke. Boys are gross, and it would seem, so are men.

I walk past the front of the open bays, and though I purposely don’t look inside in an attempt to sneak past, I hear the sound of heavy boots stopping abruptly.

“What the actual fu--”

“Shut it,” Angelo snaps quick as a flash. I know his voice, but the other is the one sending nerves slithering through my stomach.

“Did I die?” the voice asks. “Did you smack me so hard with a wrench right now I didn’t even feel it?”

“I’m gonna smack you with a wrench in second if you don’t shut up, Luc.”

Stopping on the spot, I close my eyes and turn slowly toward the voices.

“Holy fucking macaroni, she’s not a ghost?”

I open my eyes as Angelo rolls his. He smacks a very grown up, and very handsome Luc Lenaghan on the back of the head with his rag, then he walks toward me. “Hey Soda.” He leans down quickly and takes Lily’s chair, relieving me of her weight, and I groan as feeling returns to my shoulder. “I was hoping he wouldn’t see you. I don’t know what your plans are around here and whether you wanted your presence known, but he got here to shoot the shit, and when I closed the bay doors, the guys complained they wanted fresh air.”

“It’s okay.”

My nerves at seeing Luc are instantly wiped clean when Marcus walks out of the garage with a sneer more dangerous than I ever saw him shoot at Meg.

Well I guess that rounds out the four of them.

Marc stalks toward me and Ang, wearing dirty jeans and a flannel T-shirt unbuttoned over a white shirt. With a rag in his hands and boots crunching over concrete and gravel, his eyes burn me to the spot.

Angelo steps between us. “Cool it, Macchio.”

Marc leans around him so our eyes meet again. His teeth are bared like a wild dog, and if he had them, I know his hackles would be sitting high. “Get the fuck out of this town and leave my brother alone!”

“Marc--”

“And don’t even fucking speak to me!”

“Back it up.” Angelo steps forward to create some distance. “You need to cool it.”

“You stand between us?” he snaps. “You protect her?”

Ang nods softly. “I do. Someone has to. We don’t stand over women and intimidate them. We’re better than that.”

“She broke his fucking heart, Ang! She betrayed him.”

Angelo sighs softly, then nods across the lot. “Get out of here. Take a drive, cool off.”

Marc’s lip lifts in disgust. He glares at me for a long minute, then he looks down at Lily. “Glad you made it out alive, kid.”

I almost crouch onto the gravel and roll into a ball as his words slice me deep. He storms away and jumps into an old pick-up truck, then spitting up loose rocks with his speeding wheels, Angelo continues to stand in front of me as a safety barrier.

“Shit…”

“Jesus Christ,” Luc murmurs as he comes closer. “What the fuck is going on right now?”

Angelo sighs and turns back to me. “I’m sorry, Soda.”

Luc’s eyes flare. “Soda?”

“He’s really mad,” I murmur quietly.

“Can someone tell me what the fuck is happening right now?”

I look at Luc, and Angelo leans a little closer to me. “You wanna say hey?”

I nod yes. I shake no. “Is he mad too?”

Angelo watches me with a raised brow. “We’re all a little mad, Soda. You left us all.”

My eyes come to his, and though his words hit me like knives, his eyes aren’t mean. They’re sad. I nod regretfully. “I’m sorry I left, Ang. I thought I was doing the right thing. I really did.”

He frowns at my non-explanation, but Luc refuses to be patient any longer, so without waiting for me to come to him, he walks toward us. All these boys have grown into men in the last decade. I missed so much. Baby faced Luc is now tall and handsome, with a chiseled jaw and pouty lips. He’s broad across the chest, with muscles there now that definitely weren’t when he was fifteen.

“You look like an angel, Sammy.”

Tears well in my eyes. “You look like a man, Luc. All grown up.”

He steps forward hesitantly, forcing me to wonder if he’s turned shy and toned down his loudness since growing up. “You’re back?”

I swallow as he continues to look me up and down. It’s like he really does think I’m an angel, a figment of his imagination. “I’m here… for now.”

“Did Scotch see you yet?”

I nod and wipe away the single traitorous tear that slides over my cheek. “Yeah. We’re talking.”

“He’s okay?”

Not really, no. “We have a truce of sorts.”

Luc’s features turn from confusion to a blinding smile and dancing eyes. He jumps forward quickly, picks me up, spins me around, and he drops a big wet kiss on my lips. “Sammy Soda’s here!”

Angelo chuckles. “Put her down, dumbass.”

Luc stops spinning when Lily lets out the sweetest squeak, then practically dropping me like old trash, he dives for Angelo. “What the fuck is this?”

“Luc,” Angelo grumbles. “Language.”

“The baby mama returns,” Luc says wondrously. His hands reach out to touch Lily, but Angelo snatches the car seat away and looks pointedly at me. Luc’s eyes come to mine pleadingly. “Care to introduce me to your little friend, Soda?”

I look at my watch again, noting we still have twenty minutes before she’ll be expecting that bottle, so with a small nod, I turn to Angelo and begin unclipping her.

“Hold on a sec,” Ang says. Turning on his heel, he gestures me forward and leads us into a coffee lounge inside the garage. Strange faces with various degrees of smudged grease and oil pop up as we walk by, but no one speaks.

Angelo sets the car seat on the table on the far side of the small room, then turns back to me and smiles. “Thought you might like to take it out of the street.”

In case Sam drives by. He doesn’t have to say it out loud for me to hear it. I nod, then step forward and unclip her straps and pull the tiny bundle from the heavily padded seat. I turn back to Luc, but jump back again when I realize his face is already within half a foot from mine.

“She’s cute as a button, Soda.”

I smile with pride. “Luca, this is Lily. Lily is my almost three-month-old future daughter.”

Luc takes her from my arms without asking, and as he snuggles her expertly against his chest, his brows pinch. “Future daughter?”

“She’s up for adoption. I’m going to adopt her.”

“Aww, Lily. You need a mama?” Luc’s plump lips roam all over her cheeks and hair. “Such a pretty girl. Where’s her biological mama, Soda?”

I finish my discreet evaluation of Luc’s tall body, from his heavy lace up boots, up long navy-blue pants and then over an official button up shirt with surprising badges on the front and a radio clipped to his breast pocket. It’s an oxymoron. Luc Lenaghan is immature and crazy, but he saves lives during the day.

His sky-blue eyes lift slowly and sparkle, then and he smiles wolfishly. “I grew up good, huh?”

I laugh. “You really did. You look good. So handsome. You’re EMS?”

He nods. “Yeah, I’ve been out of school for a couple years now. Decided I should probably get a respectable job.”

“You sure did. It’s hard for me to consolidate wild Luc with paramedic Luc. Are you gonna save lives with medicine and CPR, or laughter?”

“Both,” he chuckles, leaning in and buzzing his lips along Lily’s cheeks. “I’ve mellowed in my old age, Soda. I’m not that guy anymore.

“Bullshit,” Angelo coughs into his hand. “Luc’s still Luc. He can just turn it off sometimes.”

I continue to smile and look them both up and down. Four from four, and they grew up nice. “Don’t turn it off, Luc. I loved you just the way you were. Crazy and all.”

“Thanks, baby doll. I loved you too. We missed you when you ditched.”

“I’m sorry--”

He shakes his head, and his twinkling eyes turn serious. “I don’t want the party line. I know you probably have a line worked out now. A generic explanation that forgives you ditching us in the night and never returning.”

“Luc--”

“I just don’t wanna hear the practiced one, okay? I want the real. I want to know why you crushed Scotch into a million pieces and left without a backwards glance. I wanna know why we were family, then you disappeared so quick none of us even knew if you were truly safe. You took his call that last night and un-said everything you and he had been saying to each other for years. For some reason, you figured a two-minute phone call was enough for us all to let you go.”

“Luc,” my voice quivers. “I did what I had to--”

“I’m sure you did. I get that. You’re a good person, and despite your cold break-up, I know you loved him, so I know you thought you were doing the right thing. But nothing excuses you for ab--”

“Alright.” Angelo steps forward and cuts him off. “It’s not our business. Scotch and Sammy have something going on now. They have a truce, or an arrangement, or something, so it’s none of our business.”

Luc’s spare arm comes out toward me. He pulls me in close and squeezes me to his side. “I missed you, Soda. That’s all I’m saying. And family doesn’t do what you did. Scotch would never do that to us. Or to you.”

I nod and turn my face away to wipe more traitorous tears. I thought I was doing the right thing. “I know.”

“So you have a sweet baby Lily. Why are you here?”

“Sam’s still my husband.”

Luc rolls his eyes. “Yeah, because he’s a puss and wouldn’t file those divorce papers.”

“He had them drawn up?”

“He had papers drawn up about ten years ago, Sammy. He was moving through his stages of mourning. You know; denial, anger, bargaining, depression. He’s been vacillating between those four for a long ass time.”

“What about acceptance?”

Luc shakes his head softly. “I don’t think he got there yet. He mostly hangs around the hoods of depression and anger. Sometimes he hates your fucking guts. Other times, he just wants you to come back and pretend it never happened.”

“Luc,” Angelo scolds. “Scotch is our brother. Stop giving away his secrets.”

“I doubt he’ll tell her this shit.”

“Exactly--”

“So if someone else around here learned how to use their big boy words, then maybe we can spend the next thirteen years without the depression.”

Lily’s squeaking continues to grow louder the longer she slumps in Luc’s arm, and as though he’s finally just noticed, Luc stops arguing and looks up. “What the hell is that noise?”

“That’s Lily.”

Luc’s eyes snap open with worry, then repositioning her so she’s lying flat in the cradle of his arm instead of slumped against his chest, his spare hand shoots away from me and goes to her chest. He lowers his head so his ear stops barely an inch from her lips. “She has trouble breathing?”

“Not trouble, exactly. She’s just squeaky.”

“It’s her laryngomalacia,” Ang declares knowingly. I’m impressed he knows the word. I had to google it a million times in the last three months because I forgot what her condition was called.

Luc nods silently, closing his eyes with his ear still by her mouth, and he listens intently. “She’s a beauty. Congratulations, Mama.”

I frown similarly to when Angelo referred to me as Mama. I’m looking to adopt her. I want her to be my daughter, but, “Calling myself her mama feels weird. I didn’t carry or birth her.”

Luc continues to concentrate on her labored breathing. “You need a little help, pretty Lily?”

Lily’s tiny fist shoots out quickly, knocking Luc in the nose, and he laughs. “No sympathy for you, then. Noted. Some girls want the sympathy. You’re one of those take-charge chicks, huh? No time for pity. I like it.”

“Are you married, Luc? Dating?” I turn to Angelo. “I didn’t ask you either. Jesus, there’s so much I don’t know.”

“Not married,” Luc answers. “Neither of us. In fact, I’m not even sure Ang lost his virginity yet.”

Angelo’s used to Luc’s smartass comments by now, so he doesn’t even react the way I expect him to. He simply rolls his eyes and walks across the coffee lounge to the fridge. He grabs out a bottle of water and cracks the lid. “I’m not married, Soda. But I did get laid at least once since high school.”

“That’s nice.” I laugh. “So no one serious? No one I should meet while I’m here.”

Ang’s eyes flash guiltily, but he controls it quickly. “Nah, no one for me to bring home to you. Not yet. Maybe someday.”

“You’re getting old, boys. You probably should get it done.”

Luc scoffs. “Excuse me, old lady, but you’re older than me. Where’s your man?”

I know this isn’t a joking matter, not really, but I laugh anyway. “I’m already married, Luc. I’ve been married for a long time.

He purses his lips in mock anger. He looks to Ang. “Do you get this feeling that maybe if we just locked them in a room for a week straight, they’d come out all happy and shit? Our group could go back to the way it was, we get to keep Lily, and suddenly the world would start spinning again?”

“Or maybe locking us in a room would only end up with someone dying.”

“I dunno, Soda. It’s been a long time, but I’d bet my left nut if he walked in here right now, the cooties would be in the air just like old times.”

I shake my head sadly. “Nah, not anymore. It’s all done. But it’s a fun ‘pick your own adventure’ fantasy. It could have been our life once, but it’s not anymore. We’ve both changed so much. Now I just need him to help me adopt my baby, and he agreed to do it because he’s a good guy… but he hates me.”

“I don’t think that’s true--”

“He literally told me yesterday, Luc. Loudly. More than once. There’s no way I misinterpreted his message.”

“But--”

“Seriously, stop. I haven’t seen him since he left yesterday. I stayed in his apartment last night, and I literally didn’t see him. I have a brand-new superpower. It’s the ability to run him out of his own home.” I’m such an asshole. “We’re not kids anymore, so lets face facts. Fairytales don’t exist, and love like that can’t be simulated or repeated. It’s done. But he’s a good enough man that he’ll help me with this. And I knew he would. Because that’s just who he is. He’s good to the core.”

“Except when he’s shouting at you and calling you a bitch?” Angelo asks. “And kicking you.”

“He kicked you?” Luc’s face transforms from young and happy and carefree, and turns to murder in a heartbeat. He practically throws Lily into my arms as he turns.

“No, Luc, wait.”

“I don’t care what you did to him. You could have cut his dick off, and he still wouldn’t be allowed to hurt you back.”

“Stop--”

“He’s gone too far, Soda. Time to take it to the yard and teach our boy some manners.”

I grab onto Luc’s arm, swallowing hard when I feel the vibrating muscles beneath. He’s pissed. Super pissed. “Stop, please. Sam is helping me. He tripped on my foot once. That’s it. He probably doesn’t even realize he did it. He was mad, and he was yelling. He walked past me and I didn’t get out of the way fast enough.”

“Women all over the world just did the ‘oh, honey’ thing for you, Soda. You literally just said that you didn’t get out of his way fast enough. That’s not good enough.”

“Luc…”

He turns back around slowly, and his eyes burn a hole right through me. “Don’t try to stop me--”

I push Lily back into his arms, forcing her against his chest and giving him no option but to take her or let her fall. His hard body instantly wraps around her protectively, his eyes softening as her squeak penetrates his anger. “That’s a dirty rotten trick you have now, Soda.”

“You need to chill.”

“You stayed in his apartment last night?”

I nod softly, but I stop when he shakes his head. “You can stay at my place tonight.”

I laugh. I actually let out a freeing peel of laughter. “One, no. Because I don’t wanna have breakfast with your flavor of the week. And two, still no. I’ve made arrangements,” sort of, “with Sam. I need to be at his apartment, not skipping houses and staying with a new guy every night.”

“Soda.”

“Luc.” I squeeze his arm gently. “Everything I do now is for Lily. Everything. That includes trying to make peace with a man who hates my guts.”

“I don’t like it.”

I smile. “You don’t have to. But wow, you kinda went from zero to sixty real quick there, huh? You’re not exactly the carefree joker I remember from high school.”

“I’m still me, and I’m still pissed at that asshole.”

“He’s your best friend. Your loyalties are with him, not me.”

“Yeah. He’s my best friend, which makes this worse. I expected better from him.”