WITSEC

Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

I told Knox and Keelan about every interaction I’d had with Stephanie. Colt and Creed showed up just before I finished. The three of them listened as Knox told them what he had overheard Stephanie say to me before he’d asked her to leave. Colt and Creed were pissed and voiced that she should be fired. Keelan and Knox agreed they would discuss Stephanie’s future at Desert Stone later. Then the topic switched to how I had cut my hand. Keelan had an idea of what had happened. He knew I’d had an episode, but that was it. Colt and Creed knew nothing. Knox and Keelan had been the only ones to witness me have an episode before. Knox helped me explain what had happened from his point of view.

“What triggers them?” Creed asked.

“Fear, mostly. Hearing a woman screaming. Blood,” I answered. “Believe it or not, I handle them a lot better than I used to. I’ve learned to stop an episode before it happens. When she screamed, I felt the fear, but I had control. Then I saw that I had cut my hand. The blood and the knife—it was too many things that reminded me of that night.”

“That’s why you don’t like to watch horror movies,” Colt said.

“Slasher or home invasion movies are an absolute no. Something fantasy or paranormal, like with vampires for example, is tolerable, but the suspense still gets to me,” I explained. “It really sucks because I used to love horror movies. Shayla and I would have themed horror movie nights and gorge on popcorn.”

“What was your favorite scary movie?” Creed asked.

I smiled. “IT. Shayla was terrified of clowns. So because my beautiful, brave, and tough-as-nails sister couldn’t handle watching it and I could, it gave me this twisted joy.”

The corner of Knox’s mouth lifted a little as he began bandaging my hand.

After that, we returned to the party. Colt and Creed refused to leave my side for the rest of the evening. Micah kept eyeing me, but other than that, Keelan’s party continued on without another mishap.

That night I slept a broken three hours and barely an hour the next night. Every time I dozed off, I was back in that house, watching my family die. I felt like I was stuck in a nonstop cycle of fear, pain, and blood. What upset me the most was that I was too exhausted to run.

The sun was barely shining behind the mountains. Sitting on my porch steps, I fiddled with the cigarette carton and lighter that I’d dug out of my dresser in my hands. I needed something—anything to give me a little bit of relief.

With my mind made up, I pulled out a cigarette, put it between my lips, and lit the end. I inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly with closed eyes. I rested my head on the heels of my hands, hating that I loved it so much. Why had breathing become so difficult, yet pulling toxic smoke into my lungs was so easy?

Eyes still closed, I took another pull and another from the stupid cancer stick. I rubbed my hands up and down my face, trying to keep myself awake.

“You’re smoking again?”

I almost groaned. I should have sat out back. The reason I hadn’t was because I didn’t want to see my swing that was still lying on the ground in pieces. “I had a rough night. I’m too tired to run and it’s a better alternative to drinking.” I looked up at Knox. He was standing in front of me with his gym bag hanging on his shoulder.

“You’re still not sleeping?” he asked.

I didn’t reply. Instead, I took another drag from my cigarette.

He watched, frowning. “Running, smoking, drinking—everything you do to escape is all temporary. Eventually, they won’t be enough to block out what you’re refusing to deal with.”

I knew that. I was fully aware of what I was doing to myself to avoid what was too hard to face. I was tired of hard. It was my reality every day. Dragging myself out of bed, putting one foot in front of the other, and, of course, breathing was hard. I knew I was using Band-Aids to cover holes in a sinking ship. I knew it. My head was already below the water. But I couldn’t find the strength to stop because Band-Aids were easy. I needed something to be easy.

I finished off my cigarette and put it out against the step. “I’m too tired to go toe-to-toe with you right now,” I said, getting to my feet. “I need to get ready for school.” I turned away from him and went inside before he could say anything more.

School was rough. I could barely keep my eyes open in all of my classes. I sat out during gym. Colt and Creed kept asking if I was okay. I lied, saying I wasn’t feeling good.

I was chugging down my fourth energy drink today as I walked into Desert Stone.

“Welcome to Desert Stone Fitness,” a man greeted me from the front desk.

I had to do a double take when I realized it wasn’t Stephanie sitting there, but instead a ginger-haired, buff guy. Not as buff as Knox, but he clearly worked out regularly.

“Hi,” I greeted back as I walked up to the desk. I spotted his name embroidered on his Desert Stone polo. It read Derek . “Are you new?”

His hazel eyes gave me a once-over before his mouth stretched into a boyish grin. “No. I’m one of the personal trainers here, but I’m covering the front desk temporarily.”

Ah. I hadn’t met all the personal trainers yet. I wondered what had happened to Stephanie.

“Was there anything I could help you with?” he asked before his eyes drifted over my head.

“No. I—” I started to say when I felt a presence behind me.

“I thought you weren’t feeling well,” I heard Knox say.

Colt or Creed must have told him that. I turned around and looked up. “I’m feeling better.”

His arms were crossed over his chest, making his navy polo stretch tight around his large biceps. He spotted the energy drink in my hand and took the can from me with a sigh. “You look terrible.”

“That is an awful thing to say to a girl,” I chastised. What he’d said was true. I had dark circles under my eyes, which I guessed I’d failed at hiding with concealer, and I was paler than normal.

He held up the can. “This isn’t going to help. You need to go home and sleep.”

My hand squeezed around the strap of my gym bag as I walked away toward the hallway behind the front desk. “Can’t. I have a class to teach with Keelan.”

Knox cursed as he followed me. “I don’t want you driving home after.”

Derek watched us with curious eyes until we disappeared down the hall.

“I mean it, Shiloh,” Knox said, following me into his office.

I dropped my bag in one of the chairs placed in front of his desk and dug my keys out. I held them out to him. “Fine.”

He took them, but he wasn’t happy about it. I found that odd because I’d given him what he wanted. “Remember when I asked you if you would tell me when you weren’t fine?” he asked as he stared down at me with his penetrating gaze. “What did you say?”

I folded my arms over my chest. “I said you’d know if I wasn’t.”

He nodded. “Do you want to know one of the ways I can tell you’re not alright?”

I didn’t bother asking what. I knew he was going to tell me anyway.

“You don’t fight me on things as much anymore,” he said and held up my keys to prove his point. “It was the same this morning. Instead of standing up to me like you normally do, you ran.”

My gaze dropped to the floor. “Maybe I'm tired of fighting.”

He pocketed my keys. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”

I took a step backward toward the door. “I’m going to be late if I don’t leave now.”

He watched me retreat without stopping me. When I was standing in the hall, I left without looking back. I supposed I’d run away from him again.

“Bye!”

“See you next class!”

Keelan and I waved at the last of the students as they left the class. Once the door closed behind them, I let out a tired sigh.

“What’s going on, Shi?” Keelan asked as he looked me over. It wasn’t the first time he had done it, either. He’d kept side-eyeing me while we’d taught as if he’d been worried I’d fall over at any minute.

“I’m just tired,” I said and quickly tried to change the subject. “I had fun today. What are we going to cover in the next class?”

He gave me a knowing look. “Nice try.”

My shoulders slumped. Not him, too. It was bad enough with Knox up my butt.

“Hey.” Keelan grabbed my hand. “Don’t make that face.” He pulled me closer, so we were standing face to face. He tucked some stray hairs behind my ear. “You got us all worried about you.”

“There’s nothing to worry about. I’m fine.”

He cupped the back of my neck and put his other hand on the small of my back, pulling me even closer. He frowned down at me. “You really are a terrible liar.”

“So I’ve been told.” I tried to step out of his arms, but he tightened his hold on me. I glared up at him and pushed against his strong, hard chest. “What are you doing?”

“If you’re fine, then you’ll have no problem breaking my hold,” he said.

I stopped resisting. “I don’t want to spar.” I was way too exhausted to keep up with him and the class we had just taught had used up all the energy I’d had left.

He shrugged with a tiny smirk. “Then I guess we could just stand here and talk. I happen to be a great listener.”

“Oh, really?” I drawled.

“Yup. We can talk about anything you want. I’ll be right here with open ears and zero judgment.”

That was super sweet, but I didn’t want to talk. I moved as fast as I could, hoping to catch him off guard, and dragged him to the ground. He was quick—quicker than I could keep up with at the moment—and he had me pinned on my back in two fluid moves.

Pinning my hands above my head, he didn’t look happy. “That was way too easy.”

“Sorry to disappoint you,” I said with zero bite as I relaxed under him.

He released one of my hands to put his beneath my head, snaking his fingers into my hair. “Maybe I should pull your hair?”

I didn’t react as he tugged a little. I just lay there staring up at him. I knew he wanted me to fight back. I could see the pleading in his eyes.

His brow scrunched up as he let go of my hair. “I see you fading away, baby girl. You’re going fast and it’s scaring the shit out of me.”

I didn’t want to scare him. With my free hand, I reached up and cupped the back of his head, pulling him closer. He resisted at first, his worried eyes searching mine. Then he leaned down. I pressed my lips to his, needing to take his fear away and wanting to feel something other than tired and broken.

He pulled away with a pained expression. “I’m not going to fall for that again.”

I smiled a little. “I’m not trying to escape.”

“Yes, you are.” He brushed his thumb across my bottom lip. “You’re kissing me to drown out your demons.”

“No. I?—”

“I know what it’s like to use someone as a distraction,” he cut me off. “I don’t want to be a distraction to you. I want you to kiss me because you want to kiss me.”

“I do want to kiss you.”

He looked so torn, his lips hovering inches above mine. “I’ve been where you are—I’ve been you in this situation—and I wish the other person stopped me.”

My eyes never leaving his, I asked, “What?”

“If I kiss you right now, you’ll soon find out that kissing isn’t enough to tune out the world. The next stop is sex, and you’ll discover, for a short time, how good it’ll make you feel. To someone who feels like their life is falling apart, that’s appealing. But it’s just fucking. There’s no intimacy to it. Just two bodies riding each other until they reach the finish line.”

I blushed. Maybe I had tried to use him a little. Now that he’d pointed that out, I’d be sure to never do it again. I didn’t just want to have sex. I didn’t want sex like that with them. I wanted the passion and connection.

His eyes lit up with relief and he smiled as he stroked my cheek. “There you are.”

I huffed, trying not to smile.

Someone cleared their throat. We both looked up. Knox was staring down at us. He looked from me to Keelan.

Keelan grinned at his brother. “You still have no room to judge.”

“You could have picked a better place to do whatever it is that you two are doing,” Knox said, and it was then that I noticed he was carrying three gym bags, one of them being mine.

Keelan’s brows rose and he opened his mouth to argue.

“Don’t bring up what happened in the kitchen,” I said, knowing that was what he was going to throw back in Knox’s face. I began trying to scoot out from underneath Keelan. He climbed off me and I was able to get to my feet. “I’m guessing it’s time to go?” I asked Knox as I held my hand out for my bag.

Knox looked from my hand to me. “Go get your shoes.”

I didn’t argue and headed over to the cubbies.

After Keelan and I got our shoes on, the three of us made our way back to the front of the gym.

“Colt and Creed are going to meet us for dinner,” Knox announced as we approached the front desk. Derek was still there, reclined back in the office chair with his fingers laced behind his head.

“Sounds good. Where are we eating?” Keelan asked.

When I didn’t hear Knox answer, I glanced back at them over my shoulder. They stared at me expectantly.

“Where do you want to eat, baby girl?” Keelan asked.

I thought about it. “Somewhere I can get a milkshake.”

“The diner by the house it is,” Keelan said.

“Heading out?” Derek asked us as we walked by.

“Yeah, but before we go,” Keelan said, grabbing my hand. “This is Shiloh. Shiloh, this is Derek. Derek will be manning the front desk until we can find a replacement.”

Derek smiled at me. “We’ve met, actually.”

“I’ve already talked to him,” Knox said to Keelan.

It was my turn to look at them expectantly. I wanted to know what had happened to Stephanie.

Knox read what I wanted to know on my face and gestured for me to continue toward the exit. “We’ll talk when we get home.”

“I think you meant to say ‘when we get in the car,’” I corrected and headed for the exit.

Keelan snorted behind me.

“Have a good night,” Derek said. “And it was nice meeting you, Shiloh.”

“You, too,” I said with a wave as we walked out.

We all climbed into Keelan’s Jeep and as soon as Keelan started the car, I asked, “Did you two fire her?”

“When we came in this morning, I found her letter of resignation on my desk,” Knox said.

That felt a little anticlimactic. “Good riddance.”

Keelan snorted. “I thought you said if you didn’t have anything nice to say, you wouldn’t say anything at all?”

Knox stared at Keelan with a pensive expression. “When has she ever done that?”

“That rule doesn’t apply to you,” I grumbled, making Keelan laugh and Knox roll his eyes. “And that was the least mean thing I could say about her.”

“Someone’s a little grumpy,” Keelan teased.

“She hasn’t slept in almost a week, what did you expect?” Knox snapped.

I closed my eyes, frustrated. I didn’t want to get into it with him. Thankfully, the remaining time in the car on the way to the diner was silent.