WITSEC

Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

I stared long and hard at the red Camaro next door. Knox’s Camaro.

Tonight should have been Colt’s swim meet, but with his brother’s support, he’d quit. So he and Creed were working this evening. Keelan was also at work. It was his first day back after taking time off to rest. Having gone in early that morning, Knox was home by the time I got out of school. Which meant, if I wanted to, I could go be alone with Knox right now. In fact, he had already invited me through text, simply saying, “I’m home if you want to come over.”

In the time that I stared at Knox’s Camaro, I went back and forth on using the secret weapon Isabelle had suggested. He wouldn’t talk to me, and I couldn’t help but think his issues had to do with me. From things he’d said to his brothers about not wanting to rush me or insisting that I wasn’t ready for certain things, maybe I was too innocent to him, or maybe he couldn’t get past how damaged I was. If either of those were true, then Isabelle might be right. But did going over there in nothing but lingerie really prove anything? It definitely wasn’t something a blushing, innocent girl would do.

I let out a frustrated noise and stomped to my room. This was it. This was the last time I’d put myself out there. Fuming and feeling determined, I stripped.

What’s the worst that could happen? I thought as I put on the dark red lacy lingerie—a bra that pushed my breasts up to new heights and hip-hugging underwear that only covered the top halves of my butt cheeks.

Being turned down in lingerie . That was what could happen. My stomach sank a little. If this did blow up in my face, I hoped it’d at least get him to talk to me. I knew this whole idea was far-fetched, but…

I straightened my shoulders. I needed to be confident.

What do I have to lose? I repeated that in my mind until I was standing outside the guys’ house in a black peacoat that covered me to my knees and black heels.

Go in the house, you coward.

I walked in, head held high. “It’s me.”

Knox was sitting at the dining room table with his back to me. He was so engrossed in doing something on his laptop that all he did was raise his hand slightly above his shoulder in acknowledgment.

I silently made my way over to him. “What are you up to?”

“Just finishing up this email,” he said as he typed away on the keys.

I came to stand next to him. “When you’re done, I need your opinion about my outfit.”

Nodding, he glanced in my direction for only a second. When his attention returned to the screen of his computer, his fingers paused over the keyboard. He looked fully at me, eyeing my coat and heels with a frown.

Like ripping off a Band-Aid, I unbuttoned my coat, revealing myself like a present, and let it drop to the floor.

I watched and felt his gaze glide down my body. It would have felt erotic if he hadn’t done it with a scowl. No desire or heat, but a scowl—anger.

I felt the intense urge to cover myself. But I didn’t want him to see me cower. I wanted him to see me as strong and confident. So I pushed past the rejection and embarrassment and dove into the constant, simmering pool of anger I had inside of me. I let myself sink into it and it surrounded me like armor. Putting my hands on my hips, I said, “You getting pissed off was the last thing I imagined happening when I found the nerve to come over here in nothing but red lingerie I bought to wear for you. Possible rejection or laughter, yes. But I never thought you’d look at me like that. Tell me, is it my body that offends you or is it that I’ve inconvenienced you with my attempt to seduce you?”

The scowl on his face disappeared instantly and was replaced with something that looked like guilt.

“Think quickly, Knox,” I said. “Think of a new lie to turn me away and avoid talking to me.”

“Why are you doing this?” was his response.

I was speechless as his words cut at my heart. He didn’t know? This wasn’t supposed to be like this. Couples were supposed to communicate. Couples weren’t supposed to lead each other on and then pull away. “Why are you with me, Knox?” I asked. “Clearly, you have some hang-ups you can’t get past when it comes to me.”

He had the audacity to look taken aback.

I stepped out of my heels. Why burden myself with the way they hurt my feet for someone who didn’t give a damn? “All I’ll ever be to you is that pathetic girl in her closet, won't I?”

He didn’t deny it, but I wanted the words. I wanted confirmation that I’d be nothing more than a sad, traumatized girl in his eyes who he had to tiptoe around or handle like cracked glass. I wanted a boyfriend who saw me as strong, knew that I wasn’t defined by what I’d gone through or how I’d almost let it destroy me. And it wasn’t that I needed him to see me as strong to feel strong myself. I was getting there on my own. But the lack of trust he had in me was making me regret I’d ever let him see me vulnerable at all.

“Say something,” I begged.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“What do you feel?!” I yelled.

His hands fisted so tightly his knuckles turned white. “I don’t know.”

I didn’t believe him.

Feeling defeated, I picked up my coat. As I put it on, I said, “When you're ready to talk to me, you know where to find me.” I scooped up my heels, and as I was about to storm out, I paused to say, “Until then, don’t touch me, don’t kiss me, don’t do anything that will lead me on. I’m so tired of you pulling away from me. I thought you would stop when we got together. Apparently, I was wrong.”

I stormed out after that, and as expected, he didn’t come after me.

I told the guys I wanted to be alone tonight. A tiny part of me regretted that decision as I lay in bed, waiting for sleep to take me. I shouldn’t push them away for what was going on with me and Knox. At the same time, I needed space to think.

Had I been wrong?

Was I overreacting?

Did I misunderstand something?

Why wouldn’t he talk to me?

I didn’t know when I fell asleep. One moment I was stressing about Knox and the next I was forcing my eyes open when I felt the bed dip. It was too dark to see much. But as a bulky body lay down in the bed next to me, I knew who it was.

Knox.

Too tired to care that I was mad at him, I snuggled closer and closed my heavy eyelids. He wrapped his arms around me, and I let myself drift back to sleep.

I woke again to hands touching all over my body. They squeezed and prodded. My shirt was shoved up and his warm hands groped both of my breasts. I felt too drowsy to enjoy it, my body too heavy to move, even when he trailed kisses down my stomach and stopped over one of my scars. He licked me there. Then the other one.

“I’m too tired,” I mumbled as I felt myself being pulled back to sleep.

My legs were pushed open, bringing me back to semiconsciousness. I opened my eyes again as he buried his face between my legs. His nose rubbed against my clit through my pajama shorts as he breathed in deeply.

I weakly touched the one hand that he still had squeezing one of my breasts. “Please,” I pleaded, sounding drowsy. “Let’s do this tomorrow.”

He stilled for a moment before returning to lie next to me. I fell back to sleep to him brushing hair away from my face.

“Babe.” I woke to Colt shaking me.

I opened heavy eyes. He and Creed were both hovering over me. What were they doing here?

“Nope,” Colt said, shaking me again and making me realize I had closed my eyes. “You gotta wake up.”

“I’m tired,” I mumbled.

“You need to get ready for school, Shi,” Creed said. “You’re already running late.”

My whole body felt ice-cold and I curled up on my side. “Why is it so cold?”

“The temp finally dropped a little last night,” Colt answered.

“And all of your blankets are hanging off the end of the bed,” Creed added.

My eyelids felt like sandpaper against my eyes. Feeling more exhausted than I’d ever felt, even when I’d forgone sleep to avoid having nightmares, I tried to sit up.

I swayed a little just sitting there and Colt grabbed me by my shoulders to steady me. “Are you feeling all right?”

Hearing the worry in his voice, I tried to perk up. “I need coffee.”

“I’ll go brew some,” Creed said and left for the kitchen.

I scooted to the edge of the bed slowly, weakly. Colt stepped back for me to get up. I stood and began walking toward my dresser. My feet dragged and my vision filled with black spots until that was all I could see. Then I felt myself falling.

“Babe!” Colt yelled, barely catching me before I hit the floor.

The sound of shoes slapping on the hardwood floor got louder and louder. “What happened?” Creed asked frantically.

“I don’t know.” Colt scooped me up bridal-style. “She collapsed.”

“I’m okay,” I said as my vision cleared.

“Maybe we should take you to the doctor?” Creed suggested.

“I don’t want to go to the doctor.” I laid my head on Colt’s shoulder. “I just want to go back to sleep.”

“We’re going to take you back to our place, all right?” Colt said and began walking.

I closed my eyes. “All right.” Instantly, sleep grabbed hold of me again.

“Shiloh.”

I woke to the sound of Knox’s voice. He was sitting on the edge of the bed next to me. Right away, I recognized that I was in his room. I sat up, relieved I felt more awake than I had this morning.

“What time is it?” I asked, rubbing the back of my stiff neck. It felt like I’d slept so hard, I hadn’t moved at all.

“Almost three in the afternoon,” he said, watching me.

I’d climbed into bed last night around ten-thirty. I couldn’t remember when I’d dozed off, but it couldn’t have been longer than a half hour later. Cheese and rice, that meant I’d slept almost sixteen hours.

Looking away from Knox, I asked, “Why am I here?”

“Colt and Creed brought you over. They said you collapsed. I stayed home with you.”

I threw off the blankets. “No, Knox. Why am I in your room? Did you think I forgave you last night?”

He frowned. “Last night?”

I frowned right back. “Yeah. You climbed into bed with me in the middle of the night and slept over.”

“I didn’t come over.”

I stilled. Had it been Keelan? There was no way it had been Colt or Creed. Maybe I had been dreaming? Fantastic. I crawled off the opposite side of the bed because Knox was blocking the way on the other side.

“I made you a doctor’s appointment,” he said as I got to my feet, this time with zero dizziness.

“I feel fine. I was just exhausted,” I grumbled, heading for the door.

“Are you not sleeping again?” he questioned.

“I’ve been sleeping fine,” I snapped, hating his worry—the same worry he couldn’t get over and that kept him from just being my boyfriend.

“You should still go and?—”

I whirled around. “Stop it, Knox.”

He stood from the bed and slid his hands into his pockets.

“I don’t want to be someone you just take care of,” I said.

“You’re not,” he said gently.

I wished I believed that. “I won’t break. I won’t let myself. I never want to see that girl in the closet again. I refuse to give someone the power to do that to me again. Not Mr. X. Not you.”

His calm demeanor crumbled and as his agitation began to take over, he rubbed his hands down his face. “Shiloh?—”

“I want more, Knox,” I cut him off. “I want you to see me as more. Past the fractured parts.”

He dropped his hands and his shoulders slumped. “I do. I wouldn’t be with you if I didn’t.”

“Then what’s going on?”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said.

Had he not heard a damn thing I’d just said? “Wow, your cock must be so powerful,” I quipped, choosing the petty road. Why not, right? It was not like everything I had done up until now had worked.

The corner of his mouth twitched. “Really?”

I shrugged. “I’ve explained that you can’t break me in the emotional sense, yet you’re still worried. So I have to assume you meant in the physical sense.” I reached for the doorknob. “And just so you know, you couldn’t break my vagina. All those screams and moans I’m sure you’ve heard me make should attest to that, or you could just ask one of your brothers.” It was a low blow, but I wanted him angry.

His entire face hardened and he stormed toward me. I quickly ripped open his door and took off down the hall.

“Get back here, Shiloh,” he growled. I didn’t have to look back to know he was coming for me.

I turned sharply into the living room. It was empty, which made me assume everyone else was at work or school. I paused at the bowl by the front door, digging through it to find my keys. They weren’t there. Crap!

Spotting my house key with Knox’s keys, I snatched his up just as he entered the living room. I stepped toward the door and stopped after seeing that it was locked with the bolt and the chain. There was no way I’d get it unlocked before Knox caught me. So I dashed further into the living room and put the coffee table between us.

Knox looked pissed as he stood across from me on the other side of the coffee table.

“What’s wrong, Knox? Did I push you too far?” I taunted. “It’s not fun when people do it to you to get answers, is it?”

“You’re being a brat,” he said.

I smirked. “If only you’d allow yourself to spank me.”

Heat flared in Knox’s eyes, and it danced with the anger. “Why would I do something you might like too much?”

“Have you been talking to Creed?” I shot back.

“Are you trying to make me jealous?” he growled.

“Jealous?” I huffed a laugh. “You can’t bring yourself to have sex with me. So why would I ever think you would feel jealous over me?”

“If I fuck you right now, would that make this all better?” he asked as he rounded the table.

I moved quickly, keeping him across from me. “You’d have to be able to get it up first.”

“All I have to do is think about you and my cock gets hard.”

It was difficult to not let how his words affected me show. The way he confidently admitted that made my cheeks threaten to blush and my breathing almost hitch. “Could have fooled me,” I said, unwilling to lose the upper hand.

The corner of his mouth lifted slightly. “When I get my hands on you, it’ll either make us or break us.”

“Sounds ominous.” I did my best to sound unimpressed. “Tell me, do you plan to punish me or fuck me if you catch me?”

“Both.”

“And you think I’d let you? After everything?”

“You wouldn’t be trying so hard to piss me off if you weren’t going to.”

He moved to the same side, and I jumped in the other direction. Surprising me, he pushed the table against the couch and toward me with his foot. He assumed I’d jump to the side. Instead, I hopped onto the couch.

Losing his patience, he stepped onto the coffee table and lunged for me. I jerked backward and the backs of my thighs hit the top of the couch. Knowing I was going to fall, I let out a yelp. Knox tried to grab for me, but I ended up saving myself. Dropping Knox’s keys, I grabbed the top of the couch as the lower half of my body fell down the back of it. I landed not-so-gracefully on my knees.

Without missing a beat, I crawled until I was out of his reach and climbed to my feet. I dashed into the dining room as Knox leapt over the couch. I had nowhere to go other than the kitchen. Before heading there, I knocked over one of the table’s chairs, hoping to slow him down. It didn’t work. I barely made it into the kitchen when Knox’s arm caught me around my waist.

“Got you,” he said.

I instantly went limp in his arms, hoping he’d drop me. He didn’t. Instead, he lifted me and backed up into the dining room. I struggled against him, finding it no use, not unless I wanted to hurt him to get free.

Kicking the chair I’d knocked over out of the way, Knox set me on my feet and pinned me between him and the table. His hand pushed me between the shoulder blades and down. Before he could get me fully bent over, I slammed my hands down on the top of the table. When I refused to let him push me any further, he moved his hand up to my hair. Yanking my head back, he ground his hard cock between my butt cheeks. He was ready for me. He wanted me. But I refused to submit to my desire for him. We’d been here before and he always pulled away.

His mouth came down on my neck. I felt his lips and tongue kiss to taste my skin before he bit down. I whimpered.

He loosened his arm around my waist and his hand found its way under my top. His fingers trailed across my stomach, slipping under the waistbands of my shorts and underwear.

He paused with just the tips of his fingers inside my shorts and kissed his way up my neck until he reached my ear. “Shiloh?”

My stomach fell and disappointment seeped in. I supposed it didn't matter whether or not I submitted to him. Hope had wormed its way in. “Backing down already?” I said angrily.

He tugged on my hair at the same time his hand dove into my underwear. Sliding his fingers between my legs, he cupped my sex. His lips grazed the shell of my ear as he said, “I’m not backing down, Shiloh. I was getting your consent. Because despite the threats I made about fucking you or punishing you, you say no and this stops.”

I was hesitant to respond. There was still so much unsettled between us. What if he pulled away at the last possible minute? “Please don’t stop, Knox.” It was a plea as much as it was a leap of faith.

The tips of his fingers curled toward my already-wet core. “So angry, yet so wet for me,” he said as he slowly pushed a finger inside of me.

My nails tried to claw at the table when he withdrew that large finger and added a second as he pushed in again.

Pumping those big fingers inside me, he let out a guttural noise. “I was afraid.”

I stiffened. “What?”

“I’ve wanted you for so long that I knew you’d make me snap,” he growled and pulled his fingers from me. He yanked my shorts and underwear down and I stepped out of them. Then he spun me to face him and knelt before me. Grabbing one of my legs by the back of the knee, he threw it over his shoulder and buried his face between my legs.

I set my hands on the table behind me to help hold me up, because the first lap of his tongue went from my center to my clit and almost made my legs give out. It had been slow and savoring. “Wh—why are you afraid?” I asked with a trembling voice.

His lips moved against me, and I felt the vibration of every word. “Because I want to own this pussy.” He sucked on my clit and the erotic noises that came from him when he did drove me to new heights of arousal. I’d known I was wet before, but now, I could feel it sliding down my inner thigh and his chin.

He pushed his fingers back inside me and fucked me with them as he ate at me like I was his last meal. My head fell back with a long and loud moan.

“You make me feel like a bastard. I want to ruin you for them. I don’t want to let you walk away from me without feeling me between your legs. I want you to feel me when they fuck you. That is why I held off. I’m afraid of how jealous I’ll be after I have you.”

His tongue began doing a flicking motion and I lost it. As I spasmed and shuddered, he licked me clean. It was as if every bit of my arousal he conjured was his and he wouldn’t stop until he had every last drop.

Once I recovered, I registered what he had just said. Knox stood and leaned down to kiss me. I put my hand on his chest, stopping him. Searching his eyes, I asked, “Let me get this straight…you’re afraid to sleep with me because you’re afraid it will make you jealous of your brothers. That’s what this has all been about?”

He straightened, the heat in his eyes dimming. “Yes.”

“Have you felt any jealousy up until this point?” I asked.

“When we weren’t together, yes,” he answered honestly, which was a relief.

“Since we’ve been together?”

He pondered for a moment. “No.”

“And you think sex will make you jealous again?”

He shoved his hands into his pockets. “Sex is a big step, one that could change things.”

“What we just did was a form of sex. Do you feel differently?”

“I don’t know.”

I scooped up my shorts and underwear and put them on. “I’m happy you’re being honest with me. I just wished you had done it sooner.” I folded my arms across my chest. “I thought…”

“I know what you thought and I’m sorry for letting you think that,” he said and I could hear the remorse in his voice. “Yesterday blindsided me. I wanted you so badly, it was torture. That’s why I was angry.”

“What about the other times you’ve shut down?”

He sighed through his nose slowly. “Moments of weakness,” he said. “Don’t ever doubt that I want you. I’ve wanted you since the first moment I laid eyes on you, and since then, that feeling has only grown. But I care for you too much to give in to that want. If we take the next step and I learn I can’t stand the idea of sharing you, it could ruin everything, and I can’t hurt you like that.”

“So what are you hoping will happen while we abstain? What will convince you that sex won’t change you?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know. I’ve been trying to figure that out.”