Chapter 15
Esme
The dawn is barely a watery suggestion of pale buttermilk and tangerine when I press myself up to my elbow. My side aches from spending hours in the same position, nothing to bracket me from the ground except the hard grass.
And Wizard’s shoulder, where I rested my cheek this entire time.
I stayed awake after he fell asleep. Through darkly bruised hours and dying firelight, through shimmering stars and a chilly coating of dew, I picked something out of my bones and thrust it into the forefront of my mind.
Everyone deserves love, but Wizard deserves the one. I know he’s a realist, but in his heart of hearts, he wants the kind of love that rides off into the sunset. That true once in a lifetime love.
I hoist myself up and roll my neck. There’s a kink in it that’s not going to come out until I lift my arms overhead and stretch, then give it a good massage.
I crawl to the edge of the blanket, drag my legs up tight, and drop my head down on them instead.
I watch Wizard like I listened to him all night.
His slow, gentle breathing. His heat. The little twitches in his muscles.
I wanted to take care of him. Protect him.
I want to save him from what’s in his heart.
It’s me. I have no idea how to deal with a love like his.
I can’t talk him out of it. He’s never asked me for a single thing as far as I can remember, but in a way, he asked me for this. Listen. Stay. Try. Please.
I thought about it. For hours, I battled it out. I went to war with myself again.
I’m not a forever kind of person.
I’m the girl that you use up and discard. I’m the one with the messy family, the jagged edges, the broken pieces so pulverized that even assembled into some kind of order, I’d be full of gaping holes.
I’m terrified that maybe I feel some of what he does.
That maybe, if we had the time, I could love him.
That the base of our friendship and the tremendous amount of love and trust that we both poured into it could grow into something else.
I’ve always thought he was beautiful, and since the fireworks when I had my eyes open, there’s been more than a slow trickle of attraction.
If I removed every obstacle in my head and heart, and if I let myself, in short order, I could burn for this man so hot and wild that I’d be a pillar of fire.
“I want to try,” I whisper so quietly that I barely even hear my voice.
Wizard doesn’t stir. “I want to so badly. I want to love you and be loved by you. You have no idea how much I love you already. I could kiss you and touch you and desire you and sleep beside you and have my heart and soul nearly burst out of my chest and leave my body to go flying up there in all those stars that looked down on us. We could grow into each other, but we couldn’t grow old.
I’d fuck this all up way before then and your beautiful heart would be nothing but dust and atoms.”
My legs are stiff and the rest of me is achy.
Physically, and in every other way. I haven’t left yet, and I already miss this place.
It’s magic, just like Wizard said. I’m going to rip a giant hole in his happiness.
He’ll never be able to look back at this as an escape once I make mine.
I’m leaving and that’s going to kill him.
Breaking his heart now is better than later.
I slip off the blanket, stuff my feet in my shoes, and look at Wizard’s face.
He’s relaxed in sleep, soft and unguarded.
Not so different from when he’s awake and there’s all that kindness, and patience radiating out of him.
I study his eyelashes resting on his golden cheeks, pinked a little with the flush of deep sleep.
He’s a masterpiece. Gorgeous beyond all logic.
I shrug out of his jacket, even though my eyes well with tears and the world turns watery. I drape his plaid over him, but his scent clings to me.
I want to crawl back onto the blanket. I want to curl against his side.
I want to curl up inside of him. I want to rub myself over every inch of his skin until his scent is embedded all over me.
I want to mark myself with him, open the circle of my arms, and pull him close.
I want to hide in him, watch the dawn with him, trade memories, secrets, and laughter.
Instead, I walk to the cabin without looking back. If I turn around, I’ll be just another tragic figure that looked over my shoulder, but I won’t be looking at my own ruin. I’ll be seeing the destruction of a man who should be loved properly.
I gather up my things, stuffing them into my bag, while my thoughts hound me. I zip my duffel up and toss it over my shoulder.
Don’t be a callous bitch.
I’m quiet as I shut the door. The sunrise is breathtaking. The watery light has morphed into shades of magenta and honeysuckle.
Be brave for once in your life.
I quietly unlock my car. I open the door slowly, so that I don’t make a sound. I throw my duffel too hard onto the passenger seat, gritting my teeth against turning the world into a salt stained mess.
Take a chance on feeling something instead of flowing with the tide of nothingness.
The start button is right there. All I have to do is punch it and drive away.
Imagine what you could be. Why are you still leaving?
I drop my head into my hands. I can’t let myself break down. I wipe away my tears too viciously and sniffle loudly into the enclosed space.
Coward. Coward, coward, coward.
I start the car. I still can’t see much of anything. The world is a blurry mess.
You can’t be afraid and call that sacrifice.
My heart races so loudly that I can hear it beating over my sniffles. It drums in my ears and throbs in my temples. I grind my teeth.
You’re not going to save him. You’re going to ruin, ruin, ruin him like this.
I threw on a sweater in the cabin. I use the sleeve to mop up my face and clear my eyes. I blink a few times into the scalding sun. I wish it could burn everything away and make me new.
Take a breath and use your head.
I check my rear view mirror before I shift into reverse and throw the backup camera on.
He’s there.
Like a stolid wraith. He’s a wall of solid misery, a black hoodie, and denim clinging to muscle.
His face is stark and pale while silent tears track down his cheeks.
His hair is wildly mussed, a backdrop to his drowning, glittering eyes.
I’m about to collide straight into his heartbreak in more ways than one.
He looks like a pillar. I turned him to stone even though I never looked back.
His eyes. They don’t flash with betrayal or accusation.
God, they’re still so hopeful. So painfully broken but still glistening with that same irrational wish.
Stay, stay, stay.
There’s no way out of here except to back out. I can’t drive over the grass. It’s lumpy and I could tear something off the bottom of the car.
But also, I can’t leave.
“Esme.” My name falls from his lips on a sob. The tears aren’t so silent now. His pain isn’t private.
I will remember the sight of him like this for the rest of my life. Why was I so fucking cursed the day I was born?
You don’t have to be. There’s no curse. Only your own decisions. Stay. Find the courage. Do what he said. Just try. He wouldn’t be hard to love. You’re more than halfway there already. Far, far more than halfway. Get out. Go wrap your arms around him. Hold him and let him hold you.
My heart is a wild animal trying to break out of my chest. I’ve never done anything half so stupid as listen to it. I made my choice and I chose wrong.
There’s still time.
I grasp my steering wheel for a moment, trying to suck in air and failing. I want to collapse and I’m already sitting. It’s my insides, my thoughts, my ribs, my chest, my whole life that’s tumbling down, burying me in the wreckage.
“Fuck.”
I stab the button again, shutting the car off. I crack the door, then throw it open and stumble out.
Wizard doesn’t move. What would it be like to claim him as my home? Not Hart, but him. Wherever he is, I’d be blessed and warm in the safety of his love.
Something wild surges in my chest. The beast in my heart has moved to my lungs. It’s clawing shreds into their thin lining.
More silent tears track down his face. They break my heart. It’s like he doesn’t even realize he’s crying. “You’re just gonna leave?” His voice doesn’t even waver. He doesn’t pour himself out or break into loud, messy sobs.
My own cheeks are hot and pinched. “I need you to be okay. Me leaving is the only way that I can think of how to do that.”
He falters back like I just hit him with my car. His face. It’s absolutely destroyed.
I can’t stop myself. I’m moving. Hurtling myself at him.
He opens his arms and stands with his feet apart, but he still rocks back from the force of me slamming against him.
I seek his shoulder, turning my wet face into it, drinking in all the complex scents that clung to his plaid jacket. I want to be coated in it. In him.
One arm bands around my shoulders and the other fists in my hair. “Are you fucking crazy?” His voice is finally so wet and clogged that he has to clear his throat before he can speak. “That’s not gonna make me okay. That’s the honest fucking truth. If you leave, I might never be okay again.”
A sob rolls through me, shaking us both with its brutality.
“You think I want to know that? I do, and it’s killing me.
What if we try and you love me, and then it all goes to shit and I hurt you past what you can ever recover from?
It’s obvious that I overthink the negatives and all the wrongs, but it’s not just that.
I overthink everything. All the good too. I wreck everything.”
His lips brush over his hair and he whispers the softest words. I can’t make any of them out. I’m so undeserving.
“I want to ask you all these questions, but I’m afraid that if I do, I won’t want to hear the answers.”