Chapter 16 #3
I lift her hand because I just can’t stand not having my lips on her.
I pepper kisses over her fingers, then draw her in.
I might still have a raging hard-on, and yes, she might feel it, and maybe that’s not slow, but she didn’t pull away the first time.
She let me hold her, hug her, be close. I need to be close again.
She rests her head on my shoulder after I draw her in.
It’s a hug like we’ve shared before, but not at all like we’ve shared.
She’s closer. She wriggles against me, curling until her body fits perfectly against mine.
She twines her arms around my shoulders until her hands meet at the back of my neck.
Her breath tickles the bottom of my earlobe.
I can feel her heart beating against my chest. My own is racing. She can probably feel it too.
“I… know you wanted to stay here for a while yet, but now that I’ve thought about going back to Hart and going to speak with my parents, I can’t unthink it. I need to do that. I need to face them and speak my truth and maybe hear theirs.”
I’m surprised at what she’s saying, but not heartbroken. We came out here so that we could talk about us. Our past. Our present, and our future. I know what it’s like to realize something and then not be able to stop thinking about it.
I cup her face in both hands and tilt it up. I drop my forehead to hers. We’re so close that we could kiss if I moved just an inch. “Tomorrow morning? After we’ve both slept properly? I don’t want you driving for hours when you’re exhausted.”
She blinks. “I’m so sorry that this wasn’t the best trip, like you wanted it.”
“I never expected that.”
She looks at me like I’m breathtaking. Like I really could reach up and tug the stars down for her.
“Will you… come to my parents’ house with me?
Is it cowardly for me to not want to do it alone?
I don’t even know what I want to say. Maybe it’s nothing.
How do you fix something that was never really ever there to begin with?
What if it’s a disaster and they’re just mean?
What if they don’t give a shit, the same way they never gave a shit? ”
“That’s not on you.”
“Okay.” She breathes out. Once. Inhales. Breathes out again. “Thank you for being here with me.”
I don’t have any words for that. She doesn’t have to thank me. She’s given me everything I ever could have dreamed of. She did, long before we came here. I’m so dazzled by her, and I can’t wait to move into our future, to lay the foundation and keep building it, stone by stone, brick by brick.
“Come here.” She hugs me with her whole body, chest to chest, thighs pressed against thighs, our stomachs and hips banging into each other.
“Reg told us to look after each other. I’ll always try to honor your grandpa’s wishes and take care of you when you need it, and also when you don’t.
Make your days easier and better and brighter. ”
My arms tighten around her. I try very hard not to rattle apart. I have to close my eyes to stop moisture from slipping out and slicking down my face. “You always do, just by existing.”
“Imagine how much better it could be if I existed and tried. Just because I don’t have to be perfect for you to want me doesn’t mean that there isn’t room for a vast amount of improvement and growth.”
“That’s a natural and beautiful thing to want.”
I start swaying with her. “Dance with me?”
“What are you talking about? There’s no music!” She might protest, but she also laughs.
The sound is sheer music, magical delight pouring through our clearing, magnified by the gentle swish of the trees, the birdsong in the distance, the purple hued mountains always looking down on us.
“Listen. The wind in the trees. The birds. It’s alive out here.”
“I’m not very good at finding a natural rhythm.”
“I’ll hum it then.”
“This is insane. I’m so bad. Two left feet? More like two left everything. You know that I’m terrible.”
“I don’t care. Just sway with me.” She rests her forehead against my cheek and rocks her body from side to side, matching my movements.
My heart doesn’t just swell. It threatens to explode out of my body.
We fit as perfectly together as I always knew that we would.
“You were my first dance, you know. Not with family. I practiced with Grandpa for ages before Prom. I wanted to do it right. I was petrified that I’d stomp all over you and make a fool of myself. ”
“You danced with Reg?”
She presses all the way against me until even our toes are touching. There’s no space between us, and I can’t stop my brain from going straight to that place of what would it feel like to do this in bed, skin to skin?
“Sure did,” I say, too thick, with too much gravel. “He taught me how to lead and to follow. Wanted me to be prepared for any scenario. He told me it didn’t matter how bad I was before. I could learn if I wanted to.”
“That’s very good advice.”
She misses her next step and our hips bump together. “Sorry!”
My heart picks up even harder to see the lovely shade of pink stain her cheeks again.
“That was me,” I assure her. “Missing steps as per usual.” She seems a little unsteady, so I sweep my hand around to her lower back and splay my fingers out.
She goes back to swaying with me, molding to me until we’re so close that we could be one person.
I think about that again, what it would be like with her, in a more private setting.
Unlike my frenzied dreams which are all heat and fire and unrelenting desire, what I want isn’t just to make love to Esme.
It’s to take the time to learn how to love her.
I fell so long ago, and I’ve been so far gone ever since, but I want the chance to do that with her all over again.
I trace Esme’s spine, bone by bone, to ground myself.
I drown in the heady scent of her when I turn my face and nudge my nose against her hair.
A blast of heat spreads through my veins, sticky as syrup.
One of her hands drops away from my neck and fists in my t-shirt.
She paws her other hand into my curls. I bow my head in response, breathing deeper against her hair.
My breath stutters and hitches. A little gasp escapes me.
I can’t believe that I’m lucky enough to be here, or that any of this is real.
“When I asked Grandpa for dancing lessons, he asked me what kind of dancing. I was pretty specific it was for Prom, but he pretended not to know that it’s a black tie, formal event and wanted to know if swing, jazz, ballroom, and line dancing were going to be a thing like a competition.”
“What?” Esme snorts in surprise. We stop dancing and a giggle bursts out of her. It turns into laughter as soon as she looks at me and sees my smile.
I echo her laugh and soon, we’re both holding onto each other, bent nearly double, laughing like crazy people.
“I can see Reg doing that,” Esme pants between giggles that shake her whole body.
“He even demonstrated a couple of moves. Wanted to bust out the old cowboy boots. I said there was no way he had any, and he went and got them. He meant it when he said they were old. They were the rattiest pair of boots I’d ever seen.
I don’t know when he wore them, or had time to wear them out like that.
I’d only ever seen Grandpa in his old work boots. ”
“Which he always wore.”
She glances down and toes my boots to make a point. I wriggle them on the grass we just stomped down. “They’re practical,” I say. “I could have packed sneakers or bullshit, but I like these. They’re worn in. Protective. I could kick a rock with them on, and my feet would still survive.”
“Is that something that happens often? That you need to kick rocks?” Her eyes sparkle and adrenaline sparks through me. I want to see them do that more often. All the time. Whenever she’s looking at me. Whenever she looks away. I want to see her happy. Always.
“They’re heavy. They build leg muscle.”
Her eyes roam over my legs. There’s heat in them when she flicks them back up to my face. They soften and her body goes even softer, relaxed and unguarded. Her lips tilt up in the purest expression of happiness.
“Are those cameras on?” Esme asks, nodding at the one over my shoulder that I was about to replace.
Right. We came out here to do tech, not fall all over each other and get all mushy. For once, I couldn’t care less about cameras and screens. I’d way rather have this time, where it feels like we’re the only people in the world.
“Yup.”
“So anyone at the clubhouse could see what we’re doing?”
“They could, but I know Maverick and Dravin well enough to think that they’d smile about it, cheer us on, and then study some other screens and not look back for a while.”
She considers that, then looks at the door. “Are there cameras inside?”
“A few, but I turned them off when we got here. There’s no way that I’m gonna let anyone see you in pajamas or—or just walking around in there. I guess if I had to keep them on, I would have told you. It feels like an invasion of privacy, even if we’re doing things like cooking or nothing at all.”
Her tongue peeks out to moisten her lips. “So we could step through the door and have total privacy?”
“We could, but…” But… I want to go slow. But… I don’t want to mess this up. But… I don’t want to chase you away.
She untangles herself but keeps her hand in mine.
The door isn’t far. She leads me inside.
As soon as she steps through, she balls her hands in my shirt and tugs me in behind her.
The door slams shut loudly, brutally. I don’t give a fuck.
It could be broken, hanging off its hinges, and I wouldn’t care, because Esme shoves me into the wall.
She presses up against me, trapping me. I can’t get any air before she stands on her tiptoes and her lips crush against mine.