Chapter 24
Zoey
He didn’t get it. How could he? He lived his life unapologetically himself. He didn’t always follow the norms and didn’t care if people noticed. He was a frat boy who didn’t match the image at all. How could he possibly understand?
“Why did you join a fraternity?” I asked.
He gave me an odd look, shrugged, then answered. “To hang out with my friends. They wanted to join, so I went along with it.”
“That’s it?”
He nodded.
“Monte, most people join a fraternity or sorority to find a place where they can fit in. Because we’re all looking for community and acceptance.”
He shrugged. “I already had that with Remy, Braxton, and Caleb, plus the girls.”
“Girls?” I asked, feeling a sudden surge of jealousy.
“Everything’s been such a whirlwind since we met that you haven’t met them yet, but yeah, the girls are a big part of my community.
We all came here together, grew up together, well, not Sadie so much.
Sadie grew up on the fringes of our Pack.
Her mom was human and her dad a wolf. Josh Maxwell’s father, my former Alpha, put a gag order on the Pack.
She had no idea what she was until her first shift just before high school graduation.
But Remy had befriended her when they were young and no matter how many times he was told to stay away, he couldn’t seem to do it.
I think he helped her with her transition a lot. ”
“Are they mates? I didn’t know Remy had a mate.”
“Nah. Just best friends. Sadie found her mate here at the ARC.”
“Wait, I think I know who you’re talking about. She’s Pete’s mate?”
“Yup.”
“I remember him from freshman year. He was quiet and kept to himself, kinda like you. Though he was better about actually attending events and hanging out.”
“I attend events,” he protested.
“Then why did it take until senior year for us to cross paths?”
He groaned. “Theta girls just aren’t my type, so I steered clear of them. Trust me, I’ve heard enough stories.”
As he thought about it, he growled.
I laughed and gave him a little shove.
“I think Theta girls are exactly your type—at least this one.”
He chuckled. “You’ve got me there. Who would have thought I’d be so crazy about a Theta girl?”
I leaned down and kissed him with a smile on my lips, but I didn’t let it linger. It would have been so easy to distract us away from this conversation, but I needed to understand where he was coming from.
He groaned in frustration when I pulled away and reached out to pull me back.
“We need to talk about this. I don’t want to constantly piss you off.”
“I’m not pissed off,” he protested.
“Well, you weren’t exactly happy either.
I know what you’re talking about. It’s kind of a defense mechanism to hide away.
Believe it or not, I struggle heavily with imposter syndrome.
I know I’m not good enough or pretty enough or a million other not enoughs.
So I sort of take on an alter ego who’s bolder and braver than I am, one who’s prettier and everyone likes. ”
“Zoey, that’s crazy talk. You are more than enough just as you are. I don’t love the imposter or fake persona or whatever you call it. I love you, the real you—only you.”
Tears pricked my eyes. There was that love word again. My heart swelled every time he said it. I was enough for him. It was mindboggling to me, but I knew he genuinely felt that way. I could feel the truth of it through our bond.
I hugged him and let a few tears fall. “Thank you,” I whispered.
There were so many guys who wanted to be with me to elevate their own status, to piggyback off my fame for their own gain, or wear me as arm candy to make themselves look more impressive.
People like that—and it wasn’t just the guys—made me sick and was the primary reason I guarded myself so closely.
“What doesn’t make sense to me is why it upsets you so much. I do it to guard myself from others. Can’t you understand that?”
He sighed, and nodded. “Now that you’ve explained it some, I think I can understand it. But I still don’t have to like it.”
“You respond as if it repulses you.”
He gave me a sad smile. “Picked up on that, did ya?”
“Yes, but I don’t understand why.”
A sort of darkness fell over him.
“Do you remember when I told you my father had a temper?”
I nodded but kept quiet. I had a feeling that this was a very important moment.
He took in a deep breath, like he was calming himself before speaking again.
“Well, he often beat my mom, and sometimes me until I was big enough to fight back. I almost didn’t even come here for fear he’d hurt her, but she’d made me promise not to give up my future for her. I still regret it and always will.”
“Why? I’m sure she’s very proud of you.”
“She’s dead, Zoey. Despite everything, they were fully bonded.
It’s still unclear if he killed her or if she killed herself to stop him.
I doubt I’ll ever know for sure, but it kills me that I wasn’t there to protect her.
And the worst part about it, everyone adored my father.
He was a monster behind closed doors, but that anger within him would subdue quickly and he’d morph into this plastic, fake, unrecognizable person who was everyone’s best friend.
People adored him. He was outgoing and charismatic. He was everything he wasn’t for us.”
I gasped, unable to believe what he was saying.
“Yeah, so there it is. Fake people terrify me. Every time you morph into that persona that I know isn’t you, it makes me a little sick. And I know you aren’t him. I know you’re even better behind doors.”
“But you can’t help it, because it reminds you of him.”
My heart broke for him. The regret was clearly written on his face. I thought back to moments he’d gone cold on me and could clearly see the pattern. It wasn’t about me; it was the emotional demons he was fighting alone.
“Few people truly knew him. Unfortunately, I was one that did.”
“Did your Alpha know?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Josh’s father was actually best friends with him.
He knew exactly what was happening but refused to do anything about it.
Josh is a much better Alpha. He tried to intercede on several occasions, but honestly, it made it worse.
He refused to banish him from the Pack though because it would have meant exile for my mom and I too.
He tried to buffer me from him as much as possible.
He implemented some new mandatory training for the youth and stuff, but none of that helped my mom, you know? ”
I snuggled up to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and letting him know I was there for him.
“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
“I know. And I do get why you do what you do. It’s almost like you compartmentalize Zoey Rey and Zoey Unboxed. But every time you’re in public, especially around here, you don’t have to go into Zoey Unboxed mode.”
“I can try, but it’s hard, Monte. I’m terrified they will see me and they won’t like what they see.”
That was the absolute truth of it. I doubted I’d ever been so candid with myself, let alone share that with someone else. Yet I knew he was a safe space to talk about it. I hated that it reminded him of his father, but that wasn’t my fault either.
“You are already enough, Zoey.”
I heard his words. I appreciated them, but in my heart, I didn’t feel them.
And when I realized that I was comfortable enough to actually discuss this with him and allow myself to be this vulnerable, it shocked me.
Maybe it was because he’d already confessed his love, or maybe it was because I loved and trusted him enough to let him into my dark spaces.
“Logically I can understand that, but I don’t feel it.
I don’t know that I’ll ever feel that way about myself.
We all have demons, Monte. Yours just don’t live within.
And I’ll probably always battle imposter syndrome no matter how popular my channel is or how many times you remind me of this.
That’s a battle you can’t fight for me. I just have to know, is it something you can live with?
Because I don’t think I’m going to change overnight, if ever.
I can try to relax some but it’s not going to be easy.
It’s almost like second nature to me now, a defense mechanism if you will. ”
I waited with my heart racing to hear his response. I couldn’t believe I’d just laid it all out there like that.
An awkward silence fell between us as he considered my question.
This is it. He won’t accept me after this no matter how much he loves me. Because deep down, I know I’m not good enough for him. All of this was too good to be true. And the truth of it all hurts like a sonofabitch.
“You’re beating yourself up over this now, aren’t you?”
My eyes flew up to meet his and I wanted to retreat.
A part of me needed to run away, to firmly replace the mask so he wouldn’t see how much this was hurting me.
I felt vulnerable beyond my comfort zone, and I feared if I opened my mouth to answer that he’d know the truth .
. . that I really wasn’t worth his love.
That was the crux of it all. I wanted people to like me. I wanted him to love me. But at the end of the day, I didn’t truly believe I was worthy of any of it.
“I see it now. I hadn’t really put it together before you explained why you wear the mask. It’s fascinating.”
I just stared up at him sadly as I braced for him to end things between us, so certain it was coming.
“I don’t like the mask, but I do understand now why you hide behind it.
And for strangers, fans, the show, I can be okay with that.
But I want my friends to know you—the real you.
We haven’t spent any real time with them.
They’re important to me. And you are important to me.
Do you think you can try to let your guard down a bit and get to know them too? ”
I stared at him in confusion.
“You want me to get to know your friends?”
He nodded.
“That’s it?”
“That’s it. I know it won’t be easy at first. I mean, besides me is there anyone you truly feel comfortable just being yourself around?”
I nodded. “My family and my Pack back home. They only know me. And sometimes I let my guard down with my sorority sisters. Fine, some more than others.”
“So you’ll try?”
“I want them to like me because they’re important to you,” I confessed.
“I don’t need you to impress them, just get to know them and let them get to know you, too.”
I found myself nodding. “I’ll try.”