4. Caleb
FOUR
Caleb
I looked out from the Peak, down to the forest below, the jagged tree line silhouetted against the fading light. The sky was streaked with purple and gray, reminding me of bruises, the kind of sky that always felt like something bad was coming. It was fitting.
The scent of crisp earth, snow on the air, and the unmistakable taste of pine filled the air, but I could still catch the faintest whiff of blood under it all.
Her blood.
The metallic tang of Willow was burned into my memory, following me everywhere I went, every second that I’d left her.
My eyes narrowed as I glared at the landscape below me. I wanted to rip it all up, destroy it, and never look back. The wolf inside me was restless, my rage simmering, clawing at the edge of my control. Closing my eyes, I forced myself to breathe and focus on the sounds of the mountain—the sound of the falling snow, the distant cry of a bird—anything to keep from reliving the night I hurt her.
It did no good. Every time I tried to shut it out, Willow’s face came rushing back—pale, twisted in pain, the life slipping out of her as I held her in my arms. I remembered the desperation, the fear that had driven me to do the unthinkable.
I hadn’t hesitated. Feeding her my blood was reckless, a wild act borne of a grim warning from my childhood. But I’d done it anyway.
And it worked. She was alive.
And I’d left her.
I had to though. Didn’t I? I couldn’t stay there after what I’d done to her. After the pain I caused her.
The shame tore at my insides, sharp and restless, constant. Shoving a hand through my hair, my grip tightened, but it was a futile wish that I could pull the guilt right out of my body along with my roots. I was a danger to her, I always had been. I told her that from the beginning, hadn’t I? Yet I hadn’t stayed away. I kept going back to her—drawn to her, needing to be close to her.
And then I’d done what I knew I would. I’d hurt her. I’d lost control and I’d almost killed her.
And she told me she didn’t blame me. How could she not? I did. Doc did.
To make it worse, I could still feel her. My blood was inside her, and the thread that connected us before was now constantly pulling at me from across the distance.
I would never be free of her.
I had thought the worst the night I left her with Doc, and I knew I had to get out of that cabin. I was on the ridge when I felt it, that undeniable tug that tethered me to the woman below. I’d wanted more than anything to run back to her, but I knew I couldn’t.
How could I face her?
I’d already made things worse. Giving in to the demons that whispered in my ear, listening to the darkness that surrounded my soul and claimed it as its own. Every day, I’d been closer to the edge, closer to something wholly dark and utterly irreversible.
And then it happened. I hurt her and I would never be able to forgive myself.
It was better for us all if I stayed away.
“Hiding won’t fix anything, you know.”
Turning, I looked at the old man who had come up behind me. I hadn’t felt his presence, a trick I would like to know.
Shifting into my human form, I regarded the shaman as I checked around me for more intruders.
“How did you get here?” I asked cautiously. Was he real?
“Same as you, boy, four paws and a strong will.” Walking towards me, he looked down over Shadowridge Peak. “Beautiful…but deadly,” he murmured. “Too old to be standing on the highest peak in my birthday suit, boy. Let’s go down where my clothes are, and put some heat back in my bones.”
“I didn’t ask you to come.”
He tilted his head as he considered me with his milky white eyes. “Good thing I don’t answer to you.” He pointed upwards, where the moon was just appearing. “Someone I do answer to asked me to come.” He looked over his shoulder as he walked away. “Not freezing on this mountain for you, Caleb. You’re not too far gone you’ll disobey the wish of your Goddess.”
He shifted into his wolf, and while his words irked me, I had no choice but to follow. He was right, Luna was my Goddess, and you didn’t mess with the Goddess…or her shaman.
We descended the peak together. The shaman was surefooted, and had I not known better, I would have said he was familiar with this peak, but I did know better, and despite myself, I kept looking up warily at the moon.
At the heart of my packlands, I kept to the trees, but he refused to shift until I made my way across to him. I didn’t look at where her blood had spilled. The shaman shifted. Picking up a small pack, he pulled out some clothes, and with a gesture to the fire, he drilled me with a look.
“Won’t light itself,” he grumbled.
“Wasn’t sure if it was your next trick,” I snarked back at him as I looked around. My last pair of jeans were gone. When I turned back, the shaman was holding out a pair of sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt.
“They should fit. They’re crumpled but clean.”
Taking them from him, I didn’t ask where he got them, and when a pair of thick socks were tossed at my feet, I pulled them on also.
With the fire going, he stood close to it. “Been a while since I climbed this peak alone,” he told me. “Ten years,” he mused. “I was too late then. Am I too late again?”
“Depends on what you’re hoping to be here for,” I answered flatly. “If it was to stop me harming Willow, you’re too late.”
“Do you grow tired of running?” he asked as he held his hands over the fire.
“I’m not running,” I bit back, hearing how hollow the words sounded to my own ears.
The shaman chortled. “Of course not.” He smiled as he faced the fire, rubbing his hands together. “So…what do you call this? Hiding here in the middle of a graveyard, skulking in the forest, while the woman you love is healing in someone else’s pack?”
I heard her words in my head. “I would have loved you…” Would have and did were two different things. Love . It was a word I hadn’t thought of in a long time and did not deserve to think of it now.
“I have no choice,” I said instead. “You know what I did. I could have killed her.”
“But you didn’t,” the shaman shot back. “You saved her, that’s what matters.”
“She wouldn’t have needed saving if I hadn’t hurt her!” Anger laced my tone, making my words harsher.
“Semantics.”
I gaped at him. “Are you serious?”
The shaman turned to look at me. “Are you?”
Clenching my jaw to stop my anger from pouring out, I averted my gaze and tried to focus on something else before I said something I shouldn’t to a vessel of Luna.
“Look at you, biting back your words,” he chuckled in amusement. “And you’re trying to tell me you have no control,” he mocked.
“You don’t understand.” My jaw was so tight my words hardly made it out. “You weren’t there. I felt them. I felt them all around me, they’re everywhere. If I hadn’t pulled back when I did…”
“But you did pull back. And you know it was not your actions that dug your claws into Willow. It was you who withdrew your claws. It was you that saved her.” The shaman sighed softly. “I know you are scared of becoming something you cannot control. But leaving her? It’s not the answer. Especially now.”
Watching him carefully, I mulled over his words. What was the plan here? “I thought you were concerned I was rogue?”
“I am.” His answer was simple, no hidden weight. It made me wary. “The Goddess is too. The more you stay in your wolf form, the more the humanity inside you dies. Your darkness is unforgiving, Caleb. You need to come back into the light.”
“There’s no light left for me, old one.”
The truth was harsh, but it was the truth nonetheless. I knew the danger of turning rogue. I’d seen it in others. I’d seen the madness in their eyes, the pure animalistic rage that consumed them when the beast within was untamed. I used to think it was a fate worse than death. But I knew, little by little, inching closer every day, it had been creeping up on me.
And I had let it.
I knew, the moment I stepped back on Shadowridge Peak, they were waiting for me.
My nightmares.
“I can still control it,” I told him softly. “I thought I had it under control, but that night—” I felt the lump in my throat. “I hurt her. I almost killed her because I thought she was them . I will never risk that happening again.”
“I understand.” The shaman turned to look at the moon above us. “But you didn’t lose yourself, you’re still here.” His gaze was steady. “You’re still you, Caleb.”
I was already shaking my head. “No. You don’t understand, I’m broken. Something inside of me, it’s broken. And around Willow…when I’m around her, the more I feel I’m losing myself.” Pushing my hair back, I looked at him. “I feel her blood on my hands every moment. I know how close I was to losing her.”
“Yet you left her.”
“To protect her!”
“From you?”
“ Yes from me! I’m the only one who’s hurt her!”
“Mm-hmm. And the shifters hunting her, the ones who broke into her shop? Her home? The ones who ran her off the road and put her in the hospital? They haven’t hurt her?”
“It’s not the same.”
The shaman snorted. “Tell that to Willow. Pain is pain.”
Angrily, I stared at the flames of the fire. His words were tough, making my stomach twist at the other dangers she faced. Who would protect her? “I gave her my blood.”
“You did.” He sounded thoughtful. “Old magic that. Blood magic is dangerous for the untrained.”
“I know.” Wiping my hand over my eyes, I gave a mirthless laugh. “I know the danger, I know how unnatural it is, and I did it anyway .”
“Because you love her and you were scared,” the shaman’s sharp voice cut through the night. “And you’re still scared, and you left not because you caused her wounds but because you know what a blood bond means.” He turned slightly so he was facing me. “And you’re afraid of facing her after what you’ve done.”
“I can feel her,” I whispered so quietly that I wasn’t sure he heard me. “Every moment of the day, I feel her.”
“And she can feel you. And it’s pissing her off,” he added with a small smile. “She’s describing it as an insufferable itch.” His smile widened. “I’d say that’s pretty accurate.”
“Does she know what it means?” I asked cautiously. I hadn’t known she would feel it too, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.
“No, none of them do.” He turned back to rubbing his hands. “Old magic, very few know of it. I thought it was only shamans.”
“And grandmothers who liked to put the fear of Luna into their grandson’s bedtime stories.”
“Ahh. I see.” The shaman nodded in satisfaction at knowing how I knew the ritual. “You can never share that knowledge.”
“Why would I want anyone else to have this pain?”
“The pain dulls the closer you are to her.” For the first time since he arrived, he looked at me with sympathy. “You may have caused the wounds, but you also saved her; that’s what your blood did. There are consequences for such an act. Do you really think Willow should face them alone?”
“She has you.”
“I’m an old man, ready for Luna to call me home. I am not what Willow needs. Or wants .”
My hands curled into fists, nails digging into my palms. “And if I hurt her again? Blood magic only works once.”
“You won’t.” The shaman shook his arms before placing them over the fire once more. “Now, more than ever, you’re connected to her. The bond you shared is strengthened, it’s ever-present. A reminder of what you’re fighting for. You feel her now. You know she is alive because of you. Your blood is hers. She is yours.”
I could feel my throat tightening at his words. He was right, I could feel her. Every heartbeat, every breath. Faint but constant, pulling at me to join her.
It was terrifying.
“If the bond breaks?” I didn’t like how scared I sounded.
“She dies. You know that.” The shaman puffed out his cheeks. “You’re afraid to lose her?”
My silence was a good enough answer for him.
“She’s stronger than you think.”
“I know.” I’d told her many times myself.
“And so are you, Caleb,” he added. “But you are weaker apart, and you cannot protect her by staying away.”
“And if she tells me to leave?” My heart was pounding, the weight of the truth settling around me.
“Try groveling.”
I blinked. “Wh-what?”
“You put four claws into her innards and only just managed to stop yourself from spilling them over this ground. I think groveling is a given, no?”
“That’s your advice?”
“Should that have to be advice?” he asked shrewdly. “Just go to her, Caleb. She needs you.”
“I don’t think I can face her.”
“Try.”
“And what do I tell the Pack Council when they come for me for breaking pack law?”
“A fluke of nature.” The shaman shrugged. “Who cares? This is between you and Willow and the Goddess.”
Staring out into the dark trees, I struggled with what to do. I wanted to go to her, but…I was scared.
Scared of her turning me away.
“Is she still human?” I asked him suddenly.
“Yes, werewolves are a human fantasy, not Luna’s.”
“Do you know who hunts her?” I asked, moving closer to the fire, suddenly feeling the chill in the air.
“I know many things, suspect a lot more.”
Giving him a flat look, I waited. “What the fuck was that bullshit?”
“I thought it sounded good.”
“I thought it sounded like mumbo jumbo BS,” I countered.
He pulled his shirt off and dropped his pants, rolling them up into a ball and putting them back in the small pack. “Next time I stand here, I expect your demons to be purged. Now go back to your woman, fix your mistakes, forgive yourself, and move on.”
“That easy, huh?” I mocked.
“Nothing worth winning should be easy. Fight, Caleb, remember who and what you’re fighting for, and I think you’ll surprise yourself.”
He shifted into his wolf, picked up his pack, turned, and left the clearing. I watched him disappear into the tree line, and as his tail vanished out of sight, so did the light of the moon from the sky as the clouds covered it once more.
With a deep breath, I turned away from the trees and the darkness and looked south where Willow lay. Was she waiting for me?
I was about to find out.