Chapter 26
Some days hurt more than others. Most of the time, I can put the pain of my past behind me.
I can stuff the agony down so deep that I can’t feel it and it almost becomes a passing thought, an occurrence that happened to someone else and not me.
It’s as though I’m not the one living those moments, but just an observer in this life.
Disassociation.
Other days, it is the only way to function no matter how unhealthy it is, because if I sat for too long and dissected what I felt in that very moment where the world opened up and the forces of hell—aka my ex—swallowed me whole…
well, I don’t think I’d be much more than the human equivalent of a potato.
That’s me. I am a potato now.
I feel myself almost rising out of my body as I sit on that step, the cold seeping through my clothing as my head pounds out a tune that makes little sense.
I watch as Arlo’s sisters practically throw my ex in his car and direct him out of town to the nearest hotel, telling him they’d have a chat tomorrow.
I think tomorrow might be Sunday. I itch to run to Maine, throw out my cell phone and all my belongings, and just take off until no one could reach us. Where maybe, just maybe, we could be safe or at least live in the illusion of safety.
I know better though. I know that running is nothing more than an artifice crafted by the writer’s desk in my brain.
I watch as Christian peels out of the driveway with anger on his face that things didn’t work out the way they should have. Perhaps he directs some of that anger at himself. I observe as Arlo’s sisters disband with their bats that I now want to make. I need my own Lucille if I’m going to hide away.
I thought, na?vely so, that the only thing I had to worry about when I left Georgia was the ashes of Eric’s body. But that isn’t what happened, not at all.
I left a world that chased me hundreds of miles up the coast—problems I didn’t even know existed.
If Gram were alive, she’d be on the phone with the entire town, somehow making Christian’s father kneel at her feet with apologies on his tongue.
But Gram isn’t around anymore, and the only saving grace I have is the one fact that might save this entire situation.
Christian’s lack of a signature on Lark’s birth certificate.
I’ll need a lawyer if I stay.
If we run, I’ll need a whole new identity.
Who am I kidding? I can’t run.
Numb, I blink a few times when I hear my name being called.
“Hey, there you are.” Robin’s freckled face comes into view as he focuses on me with concern.
“Robin?” I swallow, trying to wet my dry throat, though nothing in this world will ever be right after this moment.
“I heard what happened.” He captures my face in his warm palms, and as though I just needed that one soul connection, everything I stuffed away barrels forth with the speed of a freight train.
I’m a natural disaster in jeans, and I sob. My eyes blur as Robin pulls me into his arms, his familiar smell comforting as I bury my face in the crook of his neck.
He smells like home, like the cookies Gram used to make after Sunday service. He smells like the orange juice we always had for breakfast with those cookies. He’s my anchor in this world that just keeps throwing me wrenches I can’t fix, that I can’t work through.
The hurdles are becoming too high, too close together, and all I can do is stumble over and over again as I struggle to get up. Yet, like the drama queen I am, I lie down in the grass.
Now, I’m down on the ground, peering up at a pristine blue sky, and all I see are Arlo’s eyes. I see the love we could have had, the life we could have created, and here I am fighting against old money that I have no real chance of winning against.
I sob for Gram, for Eric, for losing a relationship I had just accepted, and I sob for the life I want, but doubt I can have.
“Hey.” Robin tries to pull me back, but I’m not having it right now.
It’s my time to mourn what could have been, what should be.
“Wren, you are being dramatic,” Robin tells me in a harsh tone, pulling me out of the pit of despair I dove into headfirst. I like it here, it’s home now. The doormat reads, “All ye who enter are doomed.”
Or however that saying goes.
“I’m not.” I flick away the stream of tears before shoving Robin. I take pleasure in the way he thuds on those stones with a flinch. Serves him right for pulling me out of the cesspool that is my mind.
“You are, now chill.” He kneels before me again, not at all disturbed by my actions. “Woman. First of all, there is no way his father even has a case.”
“You don’t know that. It’s like going up against the Illuminati,” I whine, though now I can feel the chill of my butt on the stone. It’s unpleasant. I hate it.
“It is not. Now relax and go have a glass of wine. Kenzie will be over shortly to get this all sorted.” He speaks to me in even, hushed tones, like I’m a child.
I am being a child right now.
“Where’s Arlo?” I sniffle.
“Well, the situation with Christian scared him, as it should, and he went home.”
I kick his shoulder so he lands back on the stones.
He laughs.
“That isn’t funny.” There is no way that Arlo would ever be that angry. It isn’t in his nature.
“Well, if I were in his shoes, I’d seriously be rethinking my relationship with a single mom.”
“I don’t like you right now, Robin. You are making everything worse.” I stand, my legs so frozen that it’s hard to move. I head inside and toward the warm crackling fire that I can almost feel, though I know it’s all in my head.
“Am not,” he teases as we walk into the parlor, where Lark and Saffron sit with a boozed up Autumn and Willow. “Arlo went to get lights,” he whispers behind me. “They have to decorate for the first.”
“Seraphina followed Christian out of town,” Saffron adds, telling us where the other insane sister went.
Though right now, I’m happy for their brand of crazy.
As soon as I flop onto the couch, Lark snuggles up to my side. All I ever wanted for this creature was a beautiful life full of love and happiness, yet right now, I feel like I’ve done nothing but fail at that.
I brush my lips across the top of her head, inhaling the scent that is all Lark. Like the very first time I held her in my arms, I smell her as a new baby, which fills me with a sense of purpose and joy.
Did I deprive her of the warmth a father could give by not starting a relationship with him? It wasn’t like I hid from him or moved to another state. No, my stubborn self marched into school every day with a steadily growing belly as I faced the man who should have been in her life.
Yet wasn’t.
“Come on, girls. Let’s give them a moment to speak.” Saffron ushers Willow and Autumn from the room, though the latter drags her feet and picks up her bat on the way out.
She really is terrifying.
“Is he going to take me away?” Lark’s broken voice eats at my soul, and once more, tears build behind my eyes, burning me from the inside out.
I never could have protected her from this moment, nor could I have prepared for it. All I can do is assess the damage and respond in the best way I know how.
Preferably without heavy sarcasm and snark, no matter how much I want to throw caution to the wind and let my words fly.
It isn’t fair to Lark. She deserves more from me than that, and I’ll give it to her.
Parenting really is hard.
“I will never allow them to just take you. I’m pretty sure that’s considered kidnapping in every state.” See? Already failing.
“Mom.” Lark sits up, turning toward me, her knees bumping my legs. “He’s my father. He just said he will take me to my grandparents.”
“I won’t allow him to just take you, Lark, never in a million years.”
“But what if my grandparents take us to court just to see me?” Tears fill her eyes.
This is the hard part. I don’t know what the future holds.
Inhaling slowly, I think about what I need to do.
I must deliver every word with sensitivity.
I don’t know if they will push for grandparent rights.
Hell, I tried to get them to see her once, and they brushed me off.
I don’t even know what our rights are here, but I know one thing…
“No matter what happens, we do it together.” I sweep her hair off her face, feeling the coarse strands between my fingertips and allowing the texture to ground me.
“Why aren’t you saying you won’t allow them to take me?” Tears spill over her eyes, each one a stab to my chest.
“Because I don’t know what the future holds.” I press on before she can argue that point. “I know that if they are allowed by the courts to see you, I will be there with you every step of the way. They will have to remove me from your side. Okay?”
“Don’t leave me.” With a sob, she throws her body into mine, hugging me so tightly that the breath whooshes from my lungs.
“Nothing could ever force me from your side, Lark,” I whisper, meeting Robin’s gaze across the room.
With a nod, he stands, leaving us alone so I can just hold my baby girl. I treasure each inhale, each exhale, and tighten my arms around her with each breath.
I know I need to talk to Christian and find a way to come to an agreement, but I won’t do that without talking to Lark first.
This is her life, her father, and she needs to decide if she wants that relationship or not. I won’t force her, not when he’s never once chosen to be a part of her life. Now, she will have to choose whether or not to have a relationship with a man who never wanted her.
I have to have some hope that even the villain in our story has a chance at a happily ever after.
“Lark.” I struggle to pull her away from me, tears drying on her face as she meets my eyes. “There is something very important we need to discuss.”
“You want me to try,” she whispers.
Licking my lips, I turn toward her, trying to come up with every possible scenario, yet my mind blanks as she looks at me with those beautiful brown eyes. “I’m not going to keep you from him.”