Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
Donovan
Derek keeps surprising me, though at this point I should expect the unexpected from him.
It started at the Cataract Canyon registry, when Derek took one look at the word “DANGER” in big red letters on the sign and told me to row the rest of the day.
I was going to suggest I row at least the next couple of miles, since the river from that point on is full of rapids, but I thought I was going to have to fight him on it.
He watched me row the rest of the afternoon, asking questions about each rapid and why I made the choices I did, and never once did he ask to row again.
I expected him to attempt rowing at least one or two of the smaller rapids today, but he seemed perfectly content to sit in front of me and simply watch, which goes against his whole reason for being on the trip.
I thought he wanted experience with rowing rapids.
Our conversations on the boat, few and far between, centered on the mechanics of rowing through whitewater. He didn’t bring up my past, I didn’t bring up his perfectionism, and neither of us talked about how we only have a couple of days left on the trip and likely won’t see each other after that.
Opposite to his time on the boat, when we reached last night’s camp, Derek talked to what felt like everyone except me.
He had his notebook in hand, taking notes, and made the rounds through the group, making what looked like riveting conversation with each person.
I swear, some of them looked like they’d had their lives changed by their discussions with Derek.
He reminded me of Pops and the way he connects to everyone he meets, and I couldn’t stop watching him interact with the other guests.
And in the morning, he helped the WanderLove gals extract several spiders from their gear after their screams woke the camp.
He didn’t have to do that, especially after what happened with the scorpion the first night, but Derek played the hero with a bright smile, then helped Mason top off the air in the boats.
He’s doing exactly what I hoped he would do—AKA avoiding me and letting me live my life in peace—and it’s driving me nuts, which is why I’m ignoring all sense of reason this afternoon and marching up to Derek before he can help Farah and Thiago with dinner.
“Come with me,” I say as a greeting, wincing when I hear the commanding tone in my voice.
Derek lifts an eyebrow. “Okay?”
“If you want,” I add before he thinks I’m completely terrible. It’s probably too late for that. There has to be a reason he’s been avoiding me, and his attitude toward me must have changed when I told him about my past. I should let it go—let him go—but I can’t.
Not yet.
Though he glances over the beach, as if trying to figure out where I might take him, he slides his hands into his pockets and nods. “Lead the way.”
“Great. Uh, this way.” I head downriver toward a trail that will take us close enough to see a couple of tomorrow’s big rapids, which is one of the reasons I love stopping at this camp. I get plenty of time to prep for our most exciting day.
Most stressful day.
I’m not too worried about Big Drop 1, but Drops 2 and 3 in this water level could get tricky.
I won’t be able to see them well from this trail, but I can get an idea of what I’m facing before we properly scout them tomorrow.
And since I need a reason for bringing Derek out here, I can explain the first drop to him, even if he won’t be rowing tomorrow.
Really, I just want to be alone with him again, even if that’s a terrible idea.
When I reach a good vantage point, I come to a stop and gather my hair over one shoulder, looking at the water instead of the man next to me.
He’ll be waiting for me to tell him why I wanted him to come, but I don’t have a good answer for him.
Maybe we can just stand here in silence so I don’t have to be jealous of all the people he talked to yesterday.
If he’s here with me, he’s not talking to them.
Why am I like this?
Derek breaks the silence first, a soft curse slipping off his tongue as he stares at the rapid ahead with a furrowed brow. “I hate to say it,” he mutters, rubbing his hands on his thighs, “but I’m glad you’re rowing tomorrow.”
Lifting an eyebrow, I study his face carefully.
He’s not giving me much, but there are hints of worry around his eyes.
I’m glad he started the conversation, though.
It makes my decision to come out here feel less pointless.
“If you had tried some of the rapids yesterday, this wouldn’t be so intimidating. ”
“Maybe.”
“Why didn’t you want to row? I thought the whole point was learning to handle whitewater.”
Grimacing, he rolls his shoulders as if trying to shake his discomfort. “I didn’t want to…” He grits his teeth. “…mess up.”
“Right.” I don’t want to make light of his struggles, and he seems more likely to open up when he’s leading the conversation. But I want to know. “You’re talented, Derek, but there’s no way you’re immediately good at everything you do. Messing up is part of learning.”
“Messing up here feels bigger.” He drops his eyes to the rocks at our feet and sighs. “And I think Brody got in my head.”
“Brody?” I nudge my shoulder into his. “You’re telling me that you can ignore tabloids and dumb comments on the internet, but a toolbag with ego issues can get to you?
” I scoff. “You’re Derek Riley. You’re rich, famous, handsome, and an insanely talented actor, so of course he’s going to see you as a threat, but he’s nothing compared to you. ”
Derek looks up, a smile lifting the corners of his mouth and spiking my internal temperature. He inches closer to me, cutting the distance between us in half, and suddenly I’m less certain that he was avoiding me because he doesn’t like me. “Handsome?” he repeats, tilting his head.
I roll my eyes. “This isn’t news to you, Supes. Calm the ego.”
“Insanely talented?” he says next, emphasizing the first word as he moves even closer. “That’s high praise coming from the great Nova Tate.”
That earns him another eye roll, mostly because I’m hoping it masks the blush rising along my face.
He’s too close. Too beautiful. I press a hand to his chest to keep him from crossing the last bit of space between us, but the feel of his hard muscle beneath my palm leaves me breathless.
I can’t help but look down at my fingers as they dig into his soft t-shirt, but then I’m back to gazing into his bright blue eyes and feeling entirely safe with him in a way I rarely am. He’s so…perfect.
Bringing him out here was a bad idea.
Clearing my throat, I drop my hand and take a step to the side. “If you were going to row this rapid, what would you do?”
It takes a long time for Derek to look away from me—I feel his eyes even when I’m not looking—and turn to the rapid below us.
“I don’t see any rocks that would cause problems,” he says after taking a moment to study the rushing water.
“So I would run it just right of center and hit those waves as straight as I can.” He says it almost like a question, his body tense as he looks at me for confirmation.
I lift an eyebrow. “Are you sure?”
He stiffens even more, examining the river for another minute before nodding without any of his usual confidence. “Yes?”
“Sounds like it would be a good ride.”
He exhales. “Then why did you question me?”
“Because you were questioning you. One thing I’ve learned from the river is that you can’t second-guess yourself.
You have all the information you need, and if you change your mind halfway through, you’re going to run into trouble.
” Disliking the distance I put between us, I lean over and bump my shoulder into his.
“For someone so confident, you really surprise me with your uncertainty sometimes, Derek.”
Taking a deep breath, he lets it out slowly and shifts his focus farther downstream.
“Like you said, I’m a good actor.” He growls that last word, and though he looks relaxed, I can almost feel the tension growing in his body as he tries to get a good look at the next rapid down, Big Drop 2.
“There are some rocks at the top of that one, right?”
Yes, but I’m more interested in why he doesn’t like the idea of acting when that’s literally his job. “Derek.”
“I watched some videos before the trip, but they were in lower water than what we have now. How does the rapid change in—”
“Derek.”
He sighs, slippings his hands into his pockets as he turns his head just enough to look at me without really looking. “What?”
“It’s just me.” I gesture to the landscape around us, free of people and cameras and tabloids. “No one is asking you to act right now. You don’t have to be perfect with me.”
Letting out a short, humorless laugh, he sits on a nearby rock, resting his elbows on his knees and stuffing his hands into his hair. “I know. But I can’t…” He groans. “It’s not something I can turn off, you know?”
“Yeah.” Finding a spot on the rock that looks moderately flat, I settle next to him and put my hand on his thigh. I’m sitting closer than I should be, but I can’t find it in me to care. “You said you got into acting because you can do something over if you mess it up, right?”
Moving his hands to the back of his neck, he looks over at me and nods.
Something vulnerable in his eyes holds me captive, like he just cracked open a door to let me see inside.
A door that has been firmly closed over the last few days, even with all the things he’s told me so far.
Tomorrow we run the Big Drops, and we’ll camp for one last night before we motor out and I’ll never see this man again.
He’s told me things he doesn’t tell anyone, but there’s still something deep inside him that needs to get out.
I can feel it as much as I can see it in his eyes.