Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
Derek
I’ve always considered myself pretty fearless.
I’ll try new things, and I’ve always done my own stunts, no matter how involved they are.
I’ve run the gamut of encounters with overeager fans and always kept a calm head.
For the most part, my perfectionism has been in the background, always looming but muted enough to work past it.
But today… Today might have broken me.
“Derek.” Donovan’s voice is muffled, like she’s speaking to me while I’m underwater.
“I can’t.” Those words have been on repeat both in my head and out loud. They’re the only response I have as I stare at the water rushing past my feet.
Honestly, I’m not sure how I ended up here, sitting slumped in the sand upstream from the boats, with my feet only inches from the river while I actively ignore the whispers of the other river guests a dozen yards away.
They can say whatever they want about me, and it won’t change the fact that I can’t do what Donovan needs me to do.
Donovan’s fingers wrap around mine, but I can barely feel them. I’m way past panic and stuck firmly in numbness. I’ve shut down.
In body, anyway. My mind is running full throttle, picturing all the things that could go wrong if I attempt to navigate a boat through rapids that have been given names like “Satan’s Gut” and “Little Niagara.” All the ways I could mess up. The consequences that would follow.
“Derek, I know this is a lot.” Donovan squeezes my hand. “I know you think you can’t do this. But you’ve been learning all week and taking notes. You’re comfortable on the oars. You can absolutely get through the rapids, and I’ll be right behind you the entire time.”
That’s part of the problem. If I hit a rock or flip the boat, Donovan could be thrown into the river again.
She could be pinned between the boat and a rock, or get caught under the current.
It was bad enough watching her fall into a few feet of water on the shoreline, but if we flip, Mason won’t be there to rescue her when I can’t.
I was terrified when she went under, more so when I was stuck watching her choke from nearly drowning.
I’ve never been afraid for another person like this before. I’ve worried about my friends—I worry about them all the time—but this is something different. This fear comes from my core, encompassing every part of me.
“Derek, please talk to me.”
Dropping my head, I slowly turn to look at her wrist and the purple bruising spreading from beneath the wrap that’s keeping it immobile.
Logically, I know Donovan can’t row in her state.
I know Red Earth River Tours was short-staffed this week so they couldn’t send a backup guide on our trip like they normally would.
I know if anyone can walk me through a Class V rapid, it’s Donovan Tate.
But it’s been a long time since I was truly good at letting logic win. There are too many ways I could mess up in the whitewater, and it’s impossible to see a scenario in which I don’t.
“I can’t,” I rasp. The words taste bitter, no matter how true they are.
I can’t even return Donovan’s hand squeeze, so how could she think that I can row without disaster striking?
This isn’t flat water, where my biggest mistake is letting my oar twist. This is…
I watch the water fly past the boats as the distant roar of the Big Drops fills my ears and makes me dizzy.
Maybe it’s for the best that we can’t be in a relationship; Donovan deserves more than a coward governed by a twenty-five-year-old mistake.
She deserves someone who can move mountains for her, no matter the cost.
And me? I’ve never felt so low. So small. So worthless.
“Derek?”
I lift my head at the sound of Hunter’s voice and try to read his expression as he settles on my other side. He looks tired. Almost defeated in a way. I hate that I’ve let him down. “Thank you,” I tell him, speaking words that are long overdue. “For holding me back.”
He meets my gaze, his jaw tightening. He knows I’m not talking about the moment when he stopped me from jumping in the river to save Donovan, though I should thank him for that too.
I wouldn’t have taken the time to assess the situation and likely would have ended up hurting myself too if he hadn’t grabbed me.
But I am even more grateful that he kept holding on to me. The things I wanted to do to Brody…
Grunting, Hunter gently bumps his shoulder into mine. “The idiot would have deserved it,” he says with a shrug. “But you’re better than that.”
Clearly not, if I was more than ready to beat the crap out of Brody and can’t even stomach the idea of doing the exact thing I came here to do. My whole reason for coming here was to learn to row whitewater, but I can’t do it.
“You are better,” Hunter says, reading my thoughts. “And you’ve been practicing this thing all week.”
I scoff. “I’ve been noodling around on flat water. That’s not—”
“You know exactly what to do in Drop 1,” Donovan says, squeezing my hand again. “You told me how you’d run it, and you were right.”
I can feel her more now, and I look down at our clasped hands as I slowly entwine my fingers with hers, focusing on the warmth of her hand because it might be the only thing that keeps me from focusing on my inevitable failure. “In theory, maybe. But I can’t—”
“I’ll tell you what to do.” She leans close, pressing her shoulder into mine so I’m sandwiched between the two people who know me best. “Every second. Two miles from here, you’re going to hate the sound of my voice.”
“Impossible,” I mutter and press my forehead to hers. “And my lack of faith has nothing to do with you or your skills.”
“You can shoot an arrow from the back of a horse at full speed, Derek Riley. You’ve jumped a motorcycle over a fifty-foot ravine. Do you really think you’re so unteachable that your incompetence overshadows my talent?”
Well now she’s playing dirty. I tilt my head back to frown at her. “That’s not—”
“Just think of the rapids as today’s scene, and I’m your director.”
I groan as my mind starts conjuring up images of adult Nova Tate on a set. The fantasy of her being happily ensconced in my world is not at all unpleasant, but her analogy isn’t helping the issue at hand. “If this were a movie,” I argue, “I could do the scene over again if I messed it up.”
“Please.” She reaches up, running her fingers through my hair at my temple. I can definitely feel that, and the nerves along my spine light up at her touch. “As if you don’t usually nail it in one take. Your directors probably only do multiple takes because of your costars.”
“That is absolutely not true.” Still, my face heats at her praise.
I do spend a lot of time studying the script and talking to my directors long before I even step in front of a camera, so I’m usually pretty confident about how I should act in any given scene.
But that’s not relevant. This is real life.
“Donovan, I appreciate your attempts at building my ego, but—”
“Your ego is plenty big, Superman. That’s not what I need today.” She frowns as she studies me, and I wonder what she sees.
Just a man whose shaky foundation has cracked beyond repair.
It was only a matter of time before I fell apart, and Donovan unknowingly gave me a safe place to land.
As much as I hate failing her, I know in my soul that she isn’t judging me.
She’s probably disappointed—I am too—but she’s too good of a person to let my faults be the only thing she sees.
Maverick didn’t have as much advice for me as I hoped, but he did say one thing that resurfaces through the panic: Love isn’t being with someone in spite of their flaws. It’s seeing each trait not as good or bad but simply as a part of what makes them who they are.
When Donovan’s tongue darts across her lips, my attention shifts down to her mouth at the same time she smiles.
“I don’t need you to be perfect today, or even great,” she says.
“I will happily take good enough. Decent. Passable. I just need you to show up and be my arms now that mine have failed me.”
She holds her wrapped wrist up, and I gently take her hand to press a kiss against her knuckles.
Donovan closes her eyes. “I need you, Derek.”
Everyone needs me. My friends, the studios, my costars, my agent, my fans. Even my mom apparently needs me, though I can’t fathom why. It never ends. I’ve always prided myself on being reliable and helpful and as unproblematic as possible, but sometimes…
I don’t know how much more I have left to give. If not for people like Hunter and Janie holding my world together, I would have broken long before now.
But how can I say no? To any of them, but most of all to Donovan?
She is in my soul, burrowed so deep that the vulnerability in her expression makes it hard to breathe.
She needs me. And I’m starting to think I need her too.
She’s the only person in the world who has actually made me feel like I don’t have to be perfect, and that’s someone I need to hold on to.
I don’t know what will happen when we get off the river tomorrow, but I can’t let her go.
Taking a breath, I squeeze her hand again. “Okay.”
Her eyes pop open, their green color turning golden in the morning sunlight coming over the canyon wall. “What?”
I swallow and wish I was better at setting boundaries.
Saying no. There’s a good chance I’m going to panic on that boat and mess everything up, but do I have a choice?
I have to try. For her. “I’ll do it. As long as…
” My chest grows tight with anxiety, and I press my forehead to hers again, trying to breathe through it.
I’ve been through worse. I can make it through this.
“Promise you won’t leave. No matter what happens, you’ll be—”
“Right behind you,” she whispers.
Then, so softly that I almost wonder if I imagine it, she presses her lips to mine.
I barely have time to process the feel of her kiss before she’s on her feet and holding her good hand out to help me up.
Even with that tiniest of tastes, I feel like I’ve been gifted something monumental.
My fears dim, replaced by sheer willpower.
I’ve only felt the need to really prove myself once, back when I walked into Emilio’s office and told him that I was going to make it big in Hollywood. My agent was smart enough to know that the fifteen-year-old in front of him would not be giving up, and my whole life changed that day.
Something tells me today is going to be similar. Whether my life changes for good or bad, I’ll find out a few miles down the river, assuming we make it through alive. The only thing I know for sure is I’m going to have to give this everything I’ve got.
I’m going to be the man Donovan thinks I am, even if it kills me.