Chapter 36
CHAPTER 36
SAWYER
B ack at Sutter House, our group sprawled around the den. I dropped onto one end of the sofa and hauled Willa into my lap, as much to comfort myself as her. I hadn’t anticipated how much I’d remember from that night, and I was still a little shaken by revisiting my own trauma.
The memory had been so clear. That bone-freezing terror of seeing her slip below the surface and not come back up. The burn of salt in my eyes and lungs as waves crashed over my head, stealing my breath. And still I’d used every shred of energy I’d had to dive again and again, even knowing too much time had passed. By the time my hand had brushed fabric, I was certain I’d be pulling back her corpse. I hadn’t been wrong. But neither had I been able to admit defeat. I hadn’t been able to let her go then, and I certainly wouldn’t start now.
I needed to feel her. To be absolutely certain she was here—warm and alive and mine. Had we been alone, I’d have taken her straight up to our room to affirm that in far more intimate ways but, given all our guests, I had to settle for this. For now.
Willa cuddled against me. Disappointment rolled off her in waves. I didn’t blame her. I knew how much strength and courage it had taken for her to face this. To get nothing out of it had to be a crushing blow. I hadn’t realized how much hope I’d put into getting some kind of answers tonight myself, so I’d know who the threat was and how best to protect her. For the moment, we were batting zero.
“I’m sorry to have wasted all y’all’s time. I really thought I’d get… something.”
Gabi sat forward in her chair. “Okay, maybe you didn’t remember things. Yet. But you also didn’t give in to a panic attack. That’s huge.”
Willa managed a wry smile. “That was certainly better than the alternative. So thank you for that.”
“Of course. How’s the headache?”
Her look to Gabi was sharp. “I didn’t say I had one.”
“You didn’t have to. Doctor, remember?” Gabi just arched a brow in question.
At length, Willa relaxed again. “It’s fading. Didn’t hit full-blown migraine territory. So that was better, too.”
“Don’t you be thinkin’ tonight was a waste just ’cause you didn’t latch onto nothin’ yet. Somethin’ could still shake loose in your dreams or when you least expect it.” Daniel crossed his legs at his ankles. “Be patient, cher. Those memories gonna come up when they good and ready and not before. You only just started really workin’ on it.”
“I hate the idea of that. I hate not knowing when something might trigger me. The whole point of tonight was to do this in a controlled fashion to avoid that.” When Gabi opened her mouth to speak, Willa cut her off. “I don’t want to be on any kind of medication all the time. I’ll admit this was… okay. But I’m not gonna take anything permanently unless I absolutely have to.”
“Okay, so the direct approach didn’t work. Let’s brainstorm,” Bree suggested. “What else can we try that allows you a little more control over the when and where?”
“Maybe looking through old diaries or journals from back then? Put yourself back in the headspace of when you were sixteen.”
“I don’t have any. I never went back to my parents’ house after Jace sprung me from the hospital. I walked away with literally nothing rather than risk falling under their control again.”
Nothing. She’d brought nothing at all. It was another piece I hadn’t quite put together. I don’t know what I’d thought. Maybe that Jace had gone back to retrieve her things before bringing her back to Hatterwick. Maybe that was part of why she clung so hard to the pieces of her past her grandparents had given back.
“I can probably lay hands on mine somewhere. I think they’re probably in a box in the attic at Caroline’s. If you want to read through them, I’ll see if I find them.”
Willa huffed a laugh. “So I can get the play-by-play of how you were crushing on… let me think. Who was it that year? Rand McFarland?”
Daniel straightened. “Who’s Rand McFarland?”
Gabi rolled her eyes. “He was my lab partner in chemistry. Total Peter Parker type. For about five minutes, I was convinced we were meant to be. I only realized later that he was flirting with me so I’d help him pass.”
“It was a very intense five minutes, as I recall.”
“Well, he did have really great dimples,” Gabi admitted.
“Better than these?” Daniel smiled and pointed to the indentions in his own cheeks.
She pretended to consider. “Mmm. I think his were deeper.”
“Well, cher, it’s not the size of the dimples, it’s how you use them.”
Gabi’s grin turned wicked. “And you use yours so well.”
As everyone else burst into laughter, I lifted a hand. “On behalf of all of your honorary brothers, I have to say—keep that to yourself. I don’t need those mental images.”
But the moment of humor lightened the general mood of the group in a way we’d desperately needed.
“Right. We’ll save Sawyer’s sensibilities and get back to the matter at hand.” Gabi winked at me. “Pictures from back then might help, too.”
“I’ve got some of those,” Bree added. “They’re at Pop’s. I haven’t looked at them in forever, but the man never throws anything away.”
That was probably a blessing. A couple of years after that summer was when she’d had her falling out with Ford. With her temper, I wouldn’t have been shocked if she’d ritually burned anything that referenced him. Ed would’ve realized and done what he could to keep her from that kind of regret.
“You might also make a playlist of the music that was popular at the time,” Daniel suggested. “Never know what might jog your memory.”
We continued to toss around ideas, but we were pretty limited in what we could manage on our own. What we really needed was a psychological professional with a specialty in handling traumatic memory. But I didn’t think Willa would go for that, even now. Not after her prior experience. So I kept my mouth shut on that subject.
“I appreciate all the suggestions. At this point, anything else has to wait. Founders’ Day is this weekend, and I’m tied up with that. Bree, you will be too, with all the extra people in town for the celebration.”
“True enough. There’s gonna be a lot of people on-island. The Brewhouse will be slammed.”
Founders’ Day was a big deal on Hatterwick. It often served as a sort of homecoming celebration, where former locals who’d moved off-island came back to visit. Given our supposition that Willa might have been left alone because whoever had killed Joe Anderson simply wasn’t here, I worried that the festival might bring him back. Was the killer a local? There was no way to know, but I was uncomfortable with Willa being out and about among a bunch of strangers.
“Are you sure you have to do this? Is it going to be too much for you being around all those people?” Maybe it was a dick move to bring up her normal social anxiety when that wasn’t my real concern. But if her mind hadn’t gone down the same paranoid path as mine, I didn’t want to add to her worries.
Willa shrugged. “I’m the last Sutter. This is part of my role here. For the most part, I’m okay with it. Committee meetings suck, but it’s been fine. And once this is over, I’ll be done for several months, until it’s time to do it all over again. I don’t want to tarnish my family legacy by bailing just because I hate peopling. I’ll do what I need to do. It’ll be fine.”
“Those are more people than Roy will be able to handle,” I pointed out. “And Miles has already made it clear that it’s just you, so I won’t be with you for everything.” I didn’t like that, either.
Gabi straightened. “I know you don’t want to take anything regularly, but you could try another beta blocker or something like a Xanax simply for the situational anxiety around having to interact with all those people. It might help keep you leveled out during those stretches when none of us or Roy can be with you.”
When Willa didn’t immediately reject the idea, I considered it progress. “I’ll think about it.”
Everyone took that as their cue to leave. There were handshakes and hugs and the scruffing of dog ears all around. Then, at last, my wife and I were alone.
I pulled her into me. “How’re you feeling?”
Her hands skimmed across my chest. “I was going to ask you the same question. Tonight was hard on you. I’m sorry for it.”
“I’m a big boy. I can handle it.”
Her eyes sparked with heat. “I was thinking you could handle me.”
The urge to claim her, to sink into the warm, willing heat of that body I loved, came roaring back. “Are you up for that?”
She rose to her toes, pressing close so her breasts were flattened against my chest. “I’m up for anything you want to do to me, Sawyer. Take me however you need.”
I wouldn’t turn her down. I needed this woman like I needed to breathe. Scooping her up, I carried her upstairs to our bed. But as I stripped her down and worshipped her in all the ways I’d imagined, I couldn’t quite shake the sense that there was a storm on the horizon other than the literal one outside that was already passing.