16. Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Sixteen
Lola
T wo hours later, I managed to get my entire story out in the open for the first time, and I even ate all of my soup.
Oh, and I didn't cry. Not once.
Beckett kept a calm facade, but I could see the tension rolling off of him. He was pissed. Not at me, of course, which, honestly, was the best emotional response I could have hoped for. I was so worried I would see pity in his eyes. Pity is the one thing I can't take. Not from Beckett.
Or anyone, really.
Not anymore.
There was a time when I would have gladly taken their pity or compassion. I would have leaned on any shoulder that was available to me. But no one was there when I needed them most. Everyone left.
I was alone in my pain and shame. Alone to deal with the demons.
Until a friend, I had nearly cut from my life completely came to my rescue. Marina was my angel. She never asked questions or held a grudge. She just told me to come with her. Giving me a room and clothes. Not to mention the support. She was there for me on so many sleepless nights and through the terrors and screams. She held me while I cried and shook, never once asking for anything in return. Even now, she refuses my offers of assistance for everything she has done.
Her response to me the first time we talked about it on the night I moved in was the hardest pill to swallow. She said...
"Our friendship never ended. It only paused. When I became your friend, I chose to love you, and love doesn't come with conditions or expectations. Love is a gift, and I have already given it to you. So suck it up, darlin' because you are stuck with me taking care of you now."
And suck it up I did. I cherish that woman every damn day. She is my rock, and I will never take her friendship for granted ever again.
Beckett doesn't say a word, but he shifts to move both of our empty trays to the floor before scooping me into his arms for a nice spooning session. He takes a deep breath and squeezes me tightly.
"Never again." Two small words spoken in a whisper have my entire heart threatening to leap out of my chest. But if he has the words, I need them. No, dammit. I want them. I am allowed to want things in life. Maybe the year of me is the year that I let myself want all of the things.
"What do you mean?" The words are thick, but I manage to say them with enough force that I know he hears me.
"I mean... I'm keeping you, Lola. It doesn't matter if you want me. I can't let you go. I won't. So even if you don't want me, I'm still keeping you. If that means I have to do it from a distance because that is what you decide you need, then I will just have to figure out how to live with that. Never again will you question what love truly is. I want to worship you like the queen you are. My queen." My heart beats painfully, and I fight against the urge to squirm away from him.
It's not rejection that's screaming from inside me; it's fear.
"I... I don't know what I want yet, Beckett." Getting that out feels good. The honesty that I really should have given Darick and myself from the beginning.
"You don't have to, Lola. You have all the time in the world. I just wanted to let you know where I stand. You deserve that. I want to give you all of the honesty I can. With that in mind..." he takes a deep breath, but after telling me that I have time and don't have to jump into anything right now, I am more calm than I have been in hours. My heart steadily beats in my chest, and I snuggle back closer to him.
"I am an author with a publishing company that takes my pen name and my real identity protection very seriously. No one knows because I have to be very careful with who does. Obviously, Aunt Fiona knows, and I think Marina has suspicions, but that's all. Well, now you as well. So, let's have it, my queen." His admission of the pen name has me excited. So much so that I seem to have missed a question...
"What?"
"I figured you would have a slew of questions for me." Oh, that!
"Just one... How do you do a female point-of-view so well? If I hadn't met you, I never would have believed that 'Becky' is really a man."
He stiffens, and I almost think I've overstepped. He did open the door, though. I turn over in his arms, prepared to tell him not to answer, that I didn't mean to make him uncomfortable when I see him smiling.
"That is one of the best compliments I have ever gotten. And, since I did promise to be completely transparent with you, I guess I should let you know that I cannot commit to a monogamous relationship." There may be something on my face because he pulls me in tighter and tries soothing touches, but I am honestly a little scared of where this is going. "It's not what you think. You see, I know I want my own queen, but I also know I want a king. I want that for us."
My brain struggles to process his words, and finally, after a few quiet moments, the cogs all match up, and my thoughts start whirring.
Not only does this sexy hunk of a man want to devote himself to me , but he also wants a man for us to... share.
Like in all the ways.
Two men in my bed.
And suddenly, I am horny all over again.