18. KYLE
18
KYLE
I can see myself doing it again, the exact same thing I told myself I wouldn’t do after last time—I’m ignoring Larry—and I know he’s noticing it happen. I know he can see the way I’m avoiding his gaze when we’re in the same meetings, and the way my emails have gotten really short. I’m hoping he’s putting it down to me being stressed, and not that my boss basically warned me I’m putting my entire career on the line just to be with him. And that’s a stupid thing to do.
Because of course it’s a stupid thing to do.
I scold myself intermittently throughout the day. I knew it was stupid, I knew it wasn’t the smart thing for me to do, and yet I continued to do it. I let my heart rule my head and that’s just not the way I do things.
What was wrong with the way things were before?
I’d spend my time going to bars or occasionally hooking up with people, and that would be enough to satisfy that hunger. The rest of my time was spent just getting on my with my life, progressing my career. And then Larry comes along and what, I throw all of that out the window?
“You’re an idiot,” I tell myself. “A complete idiot.”
I’ve not been focussed today, so when I see Larry leaving I know that I’m going to need to spend a little while longer in the office. I’ll message him later, and maybe we can talk. That would be fine, wouldn’t it? I’ll tell him everything that’s going on at work and that… that what?
“We shouldn’t be together anymore,” I say, testing how it sounds out loud. And it sounds horrible. It sounds like the last thing I want do.
There’s a knock at my door and I call for whoever it is to come in, my heart sinking when I see that it’s Taylor again rather than Larry. If it was Larry, maybe we could talk, maybe we could figure this whole thing out.
“You got a sec?” Taylor asks, stepping inside. Whether I have a sec or not, he’s determined to take up some of those precious seconds. “I’ve had my chats, and I thought you’d want to hear what I came back with.”
By the look on his face, I already know this isn’t going to be good news. “What’s up?” I ask, trying to keep my tone light even though my heart feels like it’s wrapped in chains.
“There’s no two ways about it, Kyle,” he says. “The exec are pretty unanimous that you can’t be out here having a relationship with your assistant. I did try to warn you. I just thought… I don’t know.”
“You didn’t think I’d be stupid enough to carry on with it and that I’d just let it go?” I suggest, again trying to put some lightness into a dark and heavy situation.
“You’re one of my best friends,” Taylor says. “And I think I tricked myself into thinking everything would be fine no matter what.”
“Your name is on the building but the exec calls the shots.”
“Something like that,” Taylor replies. “There is a possibility we could get him to move departments, or even… we could let him go.” I must look up sharply because Taylor puts his hands up in immediate surrender. “That’s not what I’m suggesting. He’s just still in his probationary period and… if I am going to choose between the pair of you, then I’m going to choose you.”
“So I get to come home to him and say, ‘Remember that job you used to have?’” I shake my head. “I can’t do that to him, Taylor, I really can’t. Maybe the moving departments?—”
“Wouldn’t necessarily be a fix,” Taylor replies. “But I could see what I can do.” He eyes me carefully. We’ve been friends and colleagues for a pretty long time, and I don’t really think I’m that difficult to read, but Taylor seems to be taking his time scanning me over right now. “What’s going on here? I’ve never seen you like this with… well… with anyone before. Not since Ricardo at least. You’re Mr No Strings.”
“That makes me sound like a hideous player.”
Taylor shrugs. “Well, if the shoes fits,” he says. “I’m not trying to judge you here, Kyle, but you’ve never really been the settling down type. This is very out of the ordinary for you.”
“I know,” I say. “That’s what’s making this all so difficult.”
Taylor steps further into my office, closing the door behind him and pulling up a chair. This has gone form a case catch-up to a chat, and I can feel the sweat starting to bead between my shoulder blades. We don’t really have these kinds of serious conversations and it’s making me nervous to be any kind of vulnerable in front of Taylor Howe.
“Spill,” he says. “This is so much more than you’re letting on, isn’t it?”
I nod. “I think… This sounds so stupid because we’ve barely been seeing each other for a month, but…” I shake my head like it’ll make any difference, like it’ll make these feelings go away. “I think I’m falling for him.”
Taylor’s eyes go wide. “Well, that is serious.”
“Shut up, I’m not that bad,” I reply.
“Any time we’ve talked about you settling down and finding somebody, you say you’re not the type,” he says. “And then suddenly this guy appears out of nowhere and you’re thinking of settling down? House in the country? Dogs?”
“I don’t know,” he says. “I’ve just… I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I’ve never really given anything a chance to be more than a fling. And now I have and… there’s something about Larry.”
“The working title of that film if I’m not mistaken.”
“Shut up,” I reply. “There’s something about him I just can’t put my finger on. Instantly, he took down all my defences, and no matter how hard I’ve tried—and believe me, I have tried—I just can’t shake him. I’m not totally sure I even want to.”
Taylor nods, getting to his feet. “I’ll see what I can do about switching his departments,” he says. “If you’re serious about him…” He trails off and strokes his stubble. “I’m serious about you. I want to keep you and he’s good at his job, at least that’s what Peter tells me, so I don’t want to lose him, or screw him over just to keep you…” He shakes his head. “You’re creating a lot of problems for me, Kyle. He’d better be worth it.”
“He’s totally worth it,” I reply quickly. “I know he will be.”
“Alright then,” he says. “I’ll see what I can do.”
When I finish work, I immediately head over to Larry’s. I’m so sure he won’t pick up the phone if I call that this suddenly feels like my only option. He can’t ignore me if I just show up at his front door. That’s the logic at least.
I hurry to his door, ringing the door bell and waiting for him to come downstairs to greet me. When he doesn’t come, I ring again.
Maybe he’s out. Or he saw me walking towards the place and doesn’t want anything to do with me.
The door buzzes open and I start up the stairs of the apartment building, hurrying to his door. My heart is practically humming in my chest, all the nerves of the day culminating in this moment. I want to tell him how I feel, that I’m falling for him, that he’s everything I’ve ever wanted, that I want to try this and Taylor is going to figure it out at the office and?—
I knock on the door.
There is noise inside, so I know he’s here at least.
The door opens and… it’s not Larry in the doorway.
The man is tall, about my height, his dark hair is perfectly coiffed, his face a little red, a little sweaty from… god, I hope not from physical activity. He narrows his eyes at me.
“Can I help you?” he asks, arching a perfectly manicured eyebrow.
“Actually, yes, I’m looking for Larry,” I say. “I’m Kyle. We’ve been?—”
“Oh, you’re Kyle,” the man says, a slight smile twitching at the corners of his mouth. “Larry’s mentioned you… in passing.”
“Great,” I reply. “Can I speak with him?”
I make to walk in but he blocks my way, putting a hand on my chest. I bat him away. “I don’t think that would be a good idea,” he replies. “He’s pretty fragile right now and… I don’t know if he’s mentioned me to you, this might be quite embarrassing. I’m Wesley.”
The name rings a bell. “Wesley?”
“Wes, actually,” he says, a smarmy smile on his face. “We’ve been together for a number of years. We were on a little break recently but…” He trails off. “We’ve been working things out. Like I said, he mentioned you in passing. I’m sure he’s talked about me a lot.”
“Not once,” I say bluntly, even though I am sure he mentioned Wesley being an ex and treating him horribly. Why would he be back together with him?
“Well, things can slip your mind when you get to a certain age. I wouldn’t worry,” Wesley replies. “Anyway, I must be getting back. I’ll be sure to let him know you stopped by.”
“I can wait.”
“I’d rather you didn’t,” Wesley says. “Have a nice night, Kieran.”
“Kyle,” I correct as he shuts the door in my face, and my heart sinks.