20. KYLE
20
KYLE
“Pathetic, party of one. Pathetic, party of one!” Mike is yelling at me down the phone and it’s the last thing I want to be dealing with right now. He’s right, of course, but I don’t want him to know he’s right, or think he’s right. “How have we ended up here again?” he asks. “Last time we ended up in this scenario I made you go and talk to him and it worked, you were fucking like a pair of rabbits. What the fuck happened?”
“Taylor happened,” I say. “And then that stupid ex-boyfriend of his happened. God, how could I have been so stupid? He was barely out of a relationship with him, of course he’s gone running back to him. I was the rebound, I was the stop gap, and now I’ve let my feelings get involved and I’m the one who’s been totally clobbered by all of this. I fucking hate it.”
“Awww, Kyle,” Mike’s voice is torn between soothing and mocking and I want to reach through the phone and throttle him. “Poor baby.”
“Fuck off, Michael, I will hang up this phone.”
“What? I mean it. I’m sorry you’re feeling so glum,” he says. “Though I will say it’s really bloody nice to hear that you actually have feelings. All that pumping iron at the gym, I was starting to think you were a fucking robot. You might be a bit of an R2-D-bag a lot of the time, but at least you’ve got feelings.”
“Hanging up now.”
“Bollocks you’re hanging up, you called me.”
“I know I did,” I say. “I should have my head examined.” I take a steadying breath and lean back in my desk chair. I’m still doing work, still going to meetings, still doing all the things I’m supposed to be doing, the only difference is that I’m doing them and actively avoiding Larry. And that makes me feel like an almighty prick.
“You really liked him, didn’t you?” Mike asks.
“Yes,” I reply, not able to keep the slightest wobble out of my voice. I’m not about to cry about it, I know I’m not, but I don’t really want to admit it. Mike might be kidding around and making me feel a bit rubbish about it, but it’s rare for me to show that I have feelings. It’s funny because it’s true, and fucking hell does the truth hurt.
“So what are you going to do about it?”
I take a second to process what he’s saying here. I know what he wants me to say, what he wants me to do. He wants me to be out there fighting for Larry in some way, to go and make some big, grand romantic gesture but…
“He’s with his ex again,” I say, letting out a heavy breath. “I… I know how heartbroken he was when the two of them went their separate ways, so I don’t want to ruin it for him or make his life more complicated.”
Mike sighs down the phone, the sound distorting, and I know that’s not the answer he necessarily wants from me. Unfortunately, it’s the only answer he’s getting.
“I wish you’d take a shot on him,” Mike says. “You seemed really happy.”
I sigh. “I was.”
“Then why not?”
“Because this is exactly why I don’t let feelings get involved, because this is what ends up happening,” I say. “I finally let my guard down, I finally start to let someone in, and the second I do it all falls apart. I… I don’t bruise easily, Mike, you know that, but I’m sitting here hiding away in my own house instead of going to my job because the guy who broke my heart is going to be there, happy as a clam with his ex-boyfriend who just wandered back into his life. It’s shit.”
“I’m sorry, Kyle,” Mike replies. “I’m not trying to make you feel like shit, I promise I’m not. I just hate to see you like this.”
“I’m not really a big fan of it myself,” I reply. “But I’ll survive.”
“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you know you can’t just hide out at home forever,” he adds. “You’re going to have to head back in to the office eventually.”
“I know.”
“So maybe it’ll be better if you talk to him, if you have a word with him about how you’re feeling,” he says. “Even if it’s just to say that you’ll leave him alone and let him carry on his new life with his ex. That would be something, wouldn’t it?”
I think about it for a moment. It would certainly be the grown-up thing to do, and it would at least allow the two of us to coexist, to establish some kind of working relationship. We’d both be happy then, right? Because I want him to be happy. I want him to have whatever version of his life he’s hoping to have, and if I can help with that by letting him keep his job, that’s something.
“You’re asking me to be such a grown-up about this,” I reply. “Are you hearing yourself?”
“I really am,” Mike says. “And once you’ve done it, I’ll buy you dinner. How about that?”
I let out a sigh that quickly turns into a groan and a moan, and almost descends into me throwing my phone across the room but I think better of it. “Fine,” I say. “I’ll head back in to the office and be the bigger person.”
“Well done.”
“Tomorrow.”
“Ha!” Mike barks a laugh. “Well, it’s better than nothing.”
“Let me just hide out for today and lick my wounds.”
“Didn’t realise you were that flexible.”
I groan. “Hanging up now.”
MIKE
It’s going to be fine. Be the bigger man!
I reply to Mike and tell him to fuck off before I get to putting on my big-boy pants and heading in to the office for the day. Even having slept on it, it’s the very last thing I want to do—but I do it. I pull on my grey suit, my freshly pressed shirt. I do my hair, I trim my beard. I make sure I look like I normally would for a day of work.
Actually, I’m spending a little more time on my appearance than normal, because if I’m about to go and tell Larry that I’m totally fine with him being with his ex, I want him to stare at my arse when I’m walking away and have him really regret choosing that weedy little fuckface over me.
That’s right. Get it out of your system now.
I tie my tie and make my way to the office, pulling into my parking spot just outside the building, and rounding the corner just in time to see Larry heading towards the front door too. The fuckface ex is at his side, the two of them walking hand in hand. They share a kiss before Wesley goes on his way and Larry walks inside the building.
Before I can be seen, I make my way back to my car and sit in it for a few moments longer, giving myself a little bit of time to get my breathing in check before I make my way inside.
I’m just going to have to find a way to accept that they’re together now, and that I’m not with him. I just need to be okay with it. I take a few more deep breaths before I head into the office, trying to stop my heart cracking open in my chest.