2. Jess
Chuck (Dad):
Morning, Jessie! Good luck on your internship application today!
Celeste (Maman):
Oui, bonne chance! They’re going to accept you, I’m sure of it.
Scott (Big Bro):
Go get ‘em, killer.
Jess:
Thanks, everyone! I was up super late last night and early again this morning but I think I nailed it!
Dad:
Of course you nailed it.
Maman:
When are you coming tomorrow? The guest room is ready for you.
Jess:
I talked to Chris the other day, we figured the Price-Berringer Opening Ceremonies should start around 10:00 AM.
Scott:
*Seriously? GIF*
Alyssa (SIL ??):
Don’t mind him, he’s still cranky about the whole “Opening Ceremonies” thing.
Scott:
He’s my best friend, it’s weird!
Jess:
Well then you should make uglier friends. Chris and I can’t hide our love from the world.
Scott:
*Gagging GIF*
Jess:
I gotta go, I’m gonna be late for work. Love you guys!
Jess:
Just want to confirm we’re still on for 10:00 tomorrow?
Chris:
Oh hell yes, it’s on.
Jess:
I just got off the family group chat, my brother is already dry-heaving.
Chris:
He’s so easy. I can’t wait to pretend battle for your pretend hand in marriage again tomorrow.
Jess:
I know, I’m so excited!
Chris:
Hey, isn’t your application thing happening today?
Jess:
Yep! I literally just hit “submit” so ??
Chris:
Psh, you’ve got it in the bag, sis.
Jess:
I’m tired enough to believe you. Thank you! See you tomorrow!
I’m grinning widely as I head to my car, soaking up some much needed sun after the snowfall yesterday. Then my phone rings.
Gross, who’s calling instead of just texting?
But it’s Anna and I love her, so she gets a pass. We met as juniors in college when we were both very excited about alcohol and poor decisions. She’s since moved to California to pursue her dreams of becoming a famous actress. You haven’t seen her in anything but don’t mention that to her, she’s very touchy about it.
“You’ve finally snapped, haven’t you?” I answer. “Where are you? Do I need to help you bury a body, or have you already disposed of it?”
“It’s actually really creepy that you would say that.” She sounds so happy that I’m almost a little nervous.
I lower my voice even though I’m alone in my car. “Oh crap, Anna, you didn’t actually murder someone, did you? Did anyone see you? You look like a Disney princess, you’ll probably be fine if there weren’t any eyewitnesses.”
“You know I’d call you from a burner phone if I needed aiding and abetting. No, no, I’m calling because…pause for dramatic effect…you are talking to the latest murder victim on Husbands Who Kill Their Wives’ Mistresses!”
I gasp. “Oh my god, Anna! Congratulations, that’s amazing! And also oddly specific. You get to play a lesbian and a murder victim? That’s like two roles in one for you!”
“I know, right?” she squeals. “And the best part is I got it just off my audition. I didn’t have to give anyone a blowjob.”
What now? “Please tell me you’re not passing those out to get gigs.”
“What, blowjobs? Obviously not, I was kidding. Although I’m not kidding when I tell you there is a market for that with the Disney princess thing. I could put on an Elsa costume and never have to bus a table again in my life.”
I breathe a small sigh of relief. “Okay good. I mean, not good for the princess visual because it ruins my childhood, but good that you’re not…um…”
“Giving head to get ahead?”
“You’re ridiculous,” I laugh.
“I’m ridiculous? You’re the one who won’t even say blowjob out loud.”
I’m no stranger to occasionally swearing and I don’t think I’m a prude by any stretch. But thanks to my ex-husband, I haven’t been especially comfortable discussing anything sex-related. “Well, I mean, I am at work,” I lie. “Probably not appropriate.”
“Hmm,” she pretends to think. “Final verdict is no. You wouldn’t even say it if you were home alone with your sad little goldfish. Or in your car, which you obviously are now, because I can tell I’m on speaker phone.”
“Hey! Henry is a lovely low-maintenance companion!”
“I’m not even going to respond to that. Say blowjob right now. Say it.”
“Anna—”
“I will accept variations. Blowie. Bagpiping. Hummer. Zipper dinner. Mouth to south resuscitation.”
“Stop! You’re like a filthy thesaurus!”
“Pole smoking. Sword swallowing.”
“I’m hanging up now.”
“I’m gonna bring back the hellcat from college one of these days. You may have forgotten her, but I haven’t!”
“She died, her mistress’ husband killed her.”
“Ugh, whatever. So, did you submit your internship application this morning?”
“I did, I’m so nervous!”
“Don’t be nervous, you’ve totally got this. And then you get to come out to LA and live with me for five months! I can’t even handle it, I’m so excited!”
We squeal like teenagers. Or women in their mid-thirties channeling teenagers, at least.
“When do you find out?”
“Not until January,” I sigh. Two months feels like an eternity.
“It’s okay, don’t be sad,” she counters, ever the caretaker. “It’s the holidays, time is going to absolutely fly by. It starts in March, right?”
“Yep, March first.”
“You’ll be a famous animator while I’m a famous actress. Living the dream, baby, that’s what it’s about!”
“Easy there, babe, this is just for an internship. It’s not like I’m heading up a crew over at DreamWorks.”
“Not with that attitude, you’re not. You’ve got to think big! I’ll start putting a ‘Spring in LA’ Pinterest board together for you.”
I grab my heart. “You know Pinterest is my love language.”
“Um, duh. Okay,” she says. “I’ve got to go practice my blood-curdling screams now. Love you.”
“Always, always.”
“Always, always.”
You know that song Good Morning by Max Frost? That’s what I put on at some point every morning. You’d think it would get old, starting every single day with the same song, but I gotta tell you, that tune is catchy. You can’t listen to it and not feel you’re going to take on the world.
Everything seems like I’m living in a musical when it’s in my ears. All the neighbors out walking their dogs wave to me as I skip to my car. The barista turns in a skillful, Cocktail-like performance right before she hands me my iced chai latte. We don’t have an actual doorman at my office building, but I totally pretend we do as I bee-bop through the large glass double doors…
…aaaaand promptly trip and spill my drink all down the front of my shirt.
“Crapsicles,” I mutter as I attempt to figure out how to wipe myself down with half of a chai in one hand and my handbag in the other. The elevator doors open and the two women stepping off don’t even try to pretend they’re not staring at me.
“Good morning,” I offer a cheerful smile.
“Hi,” they’re polite enough and finally avert their eyes as I step into the empty car.
“Still going to be a great day,” I whisper to myself as the elevator doors close.
Once I walk out onto the fifth floor, I make a quick detour to the bathroom and do my best to clean myself up, but brown stains on my white cotton shirt…it’s just giving hangover vibes.
Undeterred, I walk down the hall to my company suite and quickly pass Sammie at the front desk.
“Good Morning, Sammie,” I greet without stopping.
“Morning, Jess!” she calls behind me.
I quickly throw my handbag in my desk drawer and set what’s left of my drink down before making my way to the group of cubicles that houses the sales team. Jim and Ben are already there, acting like they’re waiting for their computers to boot up. But I know they’re really just seeing how long they can talk before having to do any actual work.
“Do either one of you guys have a Tide pen or something?” I ask.
“What’s a Tide pen?” Jim replies.
“More importantly, what the hell happened to you this morning? You look like you threw up on yourself,” Ben helpfully adds.
“I know, I know, I’m a disaster as usual. Come on, you two are both domesticated, one of you has to have something magical to get this out before the stain sets.”
“I’m not domesticated,” Jim is all too quick to point out.
“You’ve been with Kayla for like two years,” Ben counters.
“Yeah, but we’re not living together. You’re the one who’s living in wedded bliss over there,” Jim juts his chin towards the wedding photo on Ben’s desk with his husband, Matt.
Before Ben can wax poetic about matrimony, I roll my eyes. “Ugh, married people. Now I am going to throw up on myself. Seriously, not one of you clowns has a Tide pen?”
“What the hell is a Tide pen?” Jim asks again more frantically.
“I’ve got one,” Ben chuckles as he grabs it out of one of his desk drawers and hands it to me. “They’re not all bad, you know. I bet you get married again someday.”
I immediately start gagging.
Everyone here knows about my lengthy and unpleasant divorce from He Who Shall Not Be Named. Fine, his name is Alex, but don’t say it three times in a row or he’ll come for your soul.
“Not acknowledging that. You’re a lifesaver, thank you!” I hold up the Tide pen and rush back out to the bathroom.
With the stain mostly eradicated, I return to Ben’s cubicle triumphantly. “See?” I gesture to my front. “Now it just looks like I drooled all over myself instead.”
He gives me a sarcastic thumbs up. “Definite upgrade, so proud of you.”
I check my watch. “Do you think I have enough time to run to Starbucks and grab another tea? I am in desperate need of caffeination.”
“I just pushed through five solid minutes of work, I think I’m due for a break. I’ll go with you.”
“Can we walk? I’m trying to get my steps in.”
He looks at me skeptically.
“Fine, I’m killing time until this spot on my shirt dries.”
“There it is,” he nods. “Let’s go.”
“Sooo,” Ben says once we’re safely out of the building and walking up the sidewalk. “How many times has Kennedi tried to set you up for the holiday party so far?”
“This morning or just as a whole?”
“God, she’s really on a mission this year, isn’t she?”
“Eh, no more than usual. Sammie’s been asking me a lot of personal questions lately, though, which is weird. She doesn’t typically get involved.”
“Huh.”
I stop walking. “You know something,” I say.
“What are you talking about? I never know anything.”
“No, no, Jim never knows anything. You’re just as gossipy as the rest of us. And you’re a terrible liar, so spill.”
Ben looks around nervously. “That doesn’t mean I know something,” he mutters.
“Bullshrimp! You were the one who brought it up! Why?”
Looking down at the ground, he moves his toe back and forth on the sidewalk and mumbles something incomprehensible.
I put my hand up to my ear. “I’m sorry, what was that?”
He sighs and looks back up at me. “Sammie and Kennedi have a bet going on about who can find you a date for the party.”
“What?!”
“I know, I know, it’s disgusting!” he holds his hands up in surrender. “I told them they were crazy!”
“But still you participated?!”
“Only for your benefit! I was going to try to hook you up with Hot Toddy.”
My mouth falls open in shock. Hot Toddy is a barista at the Starbucks we’re currently walking to. He is not aware of the nickname Ben and I have given him; I’m sure he prefers to just go by Todd. The guy has a killer smile, muscular arms, and a jawline you could cut glass on. No way he’s interested in a plain, slightly soft-around-the-middle divorcee. “Benedict Arnold!” I declare and resume walking.
“I am not a traitor,” he protests as he jogs to catch back up to me. “I was just trying to be a good friend!”
“Yeah, a friend who wants to either see me humiliated or make a few bucks.”
“Hey! I don’t want to see you humiliated!”
“Oh fine, but the money wouldn’t hurt?”
“Well, I mean, Chanukah is right around the corner—gah! That’s not the point! Jessica, listen to me, the men those two are thinking about are disasters. You can do so much better! I was throwing my hat in the ring because I thought it would get them off your case. Or at the very least, get you a hot date for the evening.”
I continue to walk in silence the last 200 feet to the coffee shop before I spin around and face my embarrassed friend.
“I’m perfectly capable of getting my own date, you know.”
“I know.”
“I’m also perfectly happy not having a date at all.”
“I know that, too. I swear, Jess, I really was just trying to help you out so you wouldn’t have to deal with the schmucks Kennedi and Sammie are finding for you.”
I close my eyes and draw in a lung full of cold, winter air. Hot Toddy is way out of my league, but that just makes the inevitable rejection less of a blow.
“Okay,” I state, mustering some tiny shred of self-confidence I didn’t know I had. “Let’s try to get you some Chanukah money.”
I swing the door open and find the place to be slow but not empty. Even better? No line, so I have plenty of time to strike up a conversation while I order my drink. Todd is already at the counter, so all I have to do is walk up.
Super easy.
Or maybe not.
For some reason, my feet are glued to the floor and my limbs are frozen.
“What, did you look at Medusa or something? Get your ass up there,” Ben shoves me towards the counter.
It was a supportive shove, I’m sure.
I turn around and glare at him, but by the time I turn back with a friendly, “Hi…” My voice trails off because Todd is gone, and in his place is a girl with a nose piercing and long, purple hair. “…Bonnie,” I finish as I read her name tag.
“He took his break, he’ll be back in 15 minutes,” she replies flatly.
“What? What do you mean?”
Bonnie rolls her heavily lined eyes. “Like I don’t know what disappointment looks like. Do you want to order now or wait?”
“Uh…” I turn to Ben in a plea for support. With what, I don’t even know. I just know I need something.
He ever-so-helpfully shrugs his shoulders.
Bonnie mutters something that sounds like, “Oh my god,” before she yells, “Todd, get out here! You’ve got another chick who wants to get your number!”
“No I don—” I can’t even finish before she gives me the stink eye.
To his credit, Todd wastes no time cutting his break short to come take my order.
And to my credit, he doesn’t seem totally disappointed when he sees that I’m the chick who wants to get his number.
His smile is warm and spicy, like cinnamon, and his dark brown eyes are rich and welcoming. Or maybe that’s just the coffee shop getting to me. “Hi,” he greets. “What can I get for you today?”
My palms are clammy, I feel like I’m back in high school. “Um, just an iced chai latte, please. Grande is fine.”
“You got it,” he grabs the cup and writes my order on it but pauses with the pen in his hand. “With my number, right?” he smiles.
“Oh god, I am so…so sorry about that. No, I don’t actually?—”
Ben’s theatrically loud throat clearing interrupts me.
“I mean, I didn’t come here just for your number but, um, I would be okay if you’d like to write it down on that cup there. Or anywhere, really. I don’t mean anywhere anywhere. I know some rock stars like to sign…um…like I’m not asking you to write it on my boobs or anything.” Todd’s face has now morphed into confusion, and I hear Ben behind me mumbling something about being disappointed. “Not that you were trying to hit on me! Or my boobs. I mean, like, not that my boobs aren’t worth hitting on but…I’m not 21 anymore, so they don’t get the attention they used to so, um…I mean they’re more conservative, just sort of like, hanging out in there. Well, not hanging out, but you know what I mean.”
Ben starts stage-coughing loudly, “Stop *cough* talking about *cough* your boobs *cough, cough.*”
I close my eyes and open them again to see Todd actually smiling at me with his eyebrows raised. “This is the best order I’ve ever taken,” he laughs.
“I’ll bet,” I reply. “Listen, before I make a bigger moron out of myself here, do you…um…do you have a girlfriend?”
“A girlfriend?”
“Yeah, a girlfriend.”
“Are you applying for the job?” he smiles.
“As long as it’s not a blowjob, I might be interested.”
Oh no.
My cheeks rush with blood. I can’t believe I just said that. This is all Anna’s fault for talking about them this morning.
“What now?” he asks.
“Just trying to get your attention,” I nervously laugh. “I don’t need to be your girlfriend or anything. I mean, I can just be your girlfriend. Like, you know, a girl-who-is-your-friend,” I make chopping motions with my hands as I enunciate the last phrase.
Ben steps in between us. “I can’t do this anymore. Hi, I’m Ben, I work with this hot mess over here. Listen, Todd, we’re having a company party in a couple weeks and even though you would never know it based on this conversation, she really is a lovely human being who knows how to interact with adults. If you’re interested, please give her your number so we can leave this hell and pretend it never happened. Also, I’d like a medium Americano, thank you.”
With that, he hands me a $20 to pay and goes back to his place by the front door.
I sheepishly look back at Todd who seems more than amused by the entire exchange.
“What’s your name?” he asks me.
“It’s Jess. Although I’ll probably be changing it and moving to Mexico now.”
“I sure hope not,” he smiles and sets off to make the drinks. A few minutes later, he sets both on the counter. “One iced chai and one Americano.” I look at the cup and see his phone number in bold, black marker along with a note: Jess, I’ll make this a decaf next time. Hope to see you soon.
Sweet crap on a cracker, is he flirting with me? I smile so wide my cheeks hurt. “Decaf, huh?”
He laughs, “Just something to think about.”
I grab the drinks, look at Ben, mouth “oh my god!” and then look back over my shoulder to wave. “Enjoy the rest of your break,” I say.
“It’s all downhill from here,” he replies.
Once Ben and I are safely outside and walking in the cold again, I blow out a huge breath of air. “I can’t believe he gave me his number.”
“You and me both, sister. That was a train wreck if ever I’ve seen one.”
“He’s so incredibly gorgeous, I just, I can’t believe he’d be interested in me.”
Ben stops in his tracks, causing me to do the same. “Would you knock it off with that? Jessica, you are a smart, beautiful woman with a big heart and a great sense of humor. Even when you’re a nervous disaster, you’re charming. Stop selling yourself short. You deserve all the Hot Toddys in the world.”
I try to absorb his words, but it’s always difficult for me to accept compliments. Still, I’m overcome with gratitude and can’t help myself from giving him a hug. “Thank you, Benjamin.”
“You’re welcome. Now let’s pick up the pace a little bit, I’ve got a conference call in fifteen minutes.”
Walking faster just gives me an excuse to burn off some of this excited energy. See? That song totally works; nothing can bring me down now!