4. Jess
Jess
Hey! It’s Jess from this morning. I just wanted to check in and make sure I’m still the most awkward order you’ve had so far today.
Hot Toddy:
You’re definitely the reigning champ, don’t worry. How has your day been?
Jess:
Much less embarrassing than when it started, I’ll say that. I guess I sort of ate the frog early on.
Hot Toddy:
Ate the frog?
Jess:
Yeah, you know. ?? Mark Twain said that if you start the day by eating a frog then everything else is easy.
“Jess, did you email me the contact information for our vendor on 74th?” My boss, Anderson’s, voice echoes over my cubicle.
Hot Toddy:
You know what else is good to eat in the morning?
*Photo*
“I did, Anderson, I sent it to you this PENIS!” I throw my phone on the ground.
Anderson’s concerned face peers in. “I’m sorry?”
“Oh my god, no. I meant…I just…oh my god.”
“Is everything all right?” he asks, leaning over to grab my phone for me.
“No, don’t?—”
To his credit, he doesn’t skip a beat as he looks at the picture of a fully erect member on the screen. “The glitter border is a nice touch,” he says, and hands my phone back to me.
Please let spontaneous combustion be real. Let it take me now.
“I don’t even know what to say,” I bury my head in my hands. I’ll never be able to look my boss in the eye again.
“Well, on the plus side, most everyone is at lunch, so I think I’m the only one who heard you scream. Your secret’s safe with me.”
His kind tone helps me regain some composure and I shake my head as I turn my phone off and fling it on my desk. “I literally just met that guy this morning. This is what it’s like out there! This is one of the many reasons I have no interest in dating.”
He looks up in thought for a moment. “I’m just going to tell you that if that was what dating looked like for me, I wouldn’t want to deal with it, either.”
I smile. I’ve never in my life met a man who loves dating as much as Anderson Richards. Despite his portly stature and average appearance, he manages to have a different runway model on his arm constantly. I don’t really understand his desire to live on the apps, but he’s a good man who truly tries to foster a community in the workplace; he’s always hosting happy hours or company barbecues. And when I was a complete disaster going through my divorce, he rallied our tiny office in my support. I will always be grateful to him for that.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
“Yeah, I’m good. Thank you.”
He nods and walks away before peering back over. “Tell him his dick looks like it’s a stale Cheeto with the powder licked off, that should take care of that.”
By the time 5:00 rolls around, I have never been so ready to go home and pretend a day never happened. I’m walking at a pretty decent clip past the front desk when Sammie stops me as she’s shutting her computer down. “Jess, hang on! I have the perfect guy for you, he’s so cute! He’s got these, like, blue eyes that can see into your soul and he smells, just, so good. He doesn’t really drive, though, is that a deal breaker?”
What is happening right now? Sammie is 23 at most, so anyone she knows is going to put me firmly in cougar territory and I’m not ready to cross that bridge. “Um, I mean, I’d really prefer it if he had his own car,” is the only thing I can think of to say.
“Oh no, he totally has his own car, he just lost his license,” she says absently as she scrolls through social media on her cell. “Here he is,” she announces and goes to hand me her phone, but pauses and looks again. “Wait, never mind, it looks like that’s his mom’s car. He’s hot though, right?” She shoves the screen at me.
Before I can even respond, Kennedi’s moving in fast. “Jessica, Jessica, Jessica. I am so happy to hear you’re finally ready to get back on the horse. My husband’s uncle’s neighbor’s grandson just came back on the market. Now, he’s technically still married, but they are separated, and he’s moved into the basement. Not his wife’s basement, but my husband’s uncle’s neighbor’s basement. I just know you two will hit it off, he has the best personality.”
“Well, I mean I don’t think I?—”
“I do feel like I should tell you he has four kids by two different women, but that just means he’s good in the sack, right? Besides, beggars can’t be choosers, you know?”
What. The. Crap?
“Ugh, gross,” Sammie interjects. “You don’t want to be tied down like that, you should be with a guy who can drop everything and do something with you, like, any time.”
“Sure,” Kennedi rolls her eyes. “As long as you can pick him up and drive him there.”
Jim’s tall, lean frame approaches, putting on his coat. “Hey, Kennedi, can I give Kayla your number? She wants to talk to you about the bet forrrrr hey, Jess! Didn’t see you standing there.” He stops so short that Ben runs into him.
“Okay enough!” I shout. “You guys, please. I appreciate what you’re all trying to do. But it just isn’t necessary. When I am ready to get back out there, I will find my own date.”
Ben gives me an inquisitive look, seeming to ask about Todd. I shake my head once to confirm that Todd is a disgusting bottom feeder who should be put into a suit of raw meat and thrown into a piranha tank. Ben’s shoulders drop.
Everyone else just looks like they can’t comprehend how I’m fine without a man.
“I am single, y’all! All right? I am single and I am happy. Because I am…a…strong, independent woman who…” I can’t bring myself to finish the sentence. “Whatever, Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.”
Knowing they’re all going to cram into the elevator, I take the stairs down and then walk as briskly as I can to my car without rolling my ankle.
Once safely out of the parking lot, I pull over, put both hands on the steering wheel, hang my head, and try to center my breathing. Or at least that’s what I think I’m supposed to do.
It’s going to be okay. This is fine. Totally normal. So what if I had a ten-minute mid-day encounter with someone who potentially torpedoed my faith in all men? Who cares if I just told off my entire office? Big deal that it almost definitely poured gas on the “find Jess a date” fire.
It’s fine.
Everything’s fine.