9. Jess
“Idon’t want to alarm you…but I think I might be dying.” Scott leans back in his chair, echoing his sentiments from earlier in the day.
“That was delicious,” I praise, feeling a little overstuffed myself. “You gentlemen really outdid yourselves this year.”
“The roast recipe was Nina’s,” Joe proudly states. It’s nice to acknowledge her name without it feeling like there’s a gaping hole where she used to be. There is, of course, but enough years have passed that it seems more like a happy memory now.
“That Nina could always out-roast me,” Mom shakes her head. “Didn’t matter what I did, it never turned out right. She was a genius in the kitchen.”
I notice Connor and Chris smiling but staring down at their plates, as if in remembrance. Maybe those wounds aren’t as healed as I thought.
Joe continues happily, though. “But not with chicken,” he laughs. “Do you remember the cordon bleu incident?”
That gets a full-on cackle from my mother as she covers her mouth with her napkin. “Oh mon Dieu! I’ve never seen so much smoke! And it was so black! I thought Chuck was going to have to rebuild that side of your house!”
Now all three of the parents are in hysterics while the adult children look at each other and shrug.
“When was that?” Connor asks. “How am I not remembering a bunch of black smoke in the house?”
“You kids were away at camp for a week, all of you,” Dad answers.
“We thought we could have a nice double date and play some cards,” Joe continues. “But then Nina reminded me we couldn’t have nice things.”
More laughter from my parents, which then leads to the rest of us laughing because it’s infectious.
“I don’t get it,” Gemma states. “But the ”tatoes are good.”
Joe chuckles. “Well, the potatoes are Connor’s contribution, so you can thank him.”
“Seriously?” The word escapes my mouth before I can think about how awful it sounds.
Connor is kind enough to smile, at least. “I do have to cook for myself occasionally.”
I’m so stupid. I live alone, I cook for myself all the time. But for some reason, I always picture Connor as having the kind of kitchen that’s pristine from never being used. He’s all power lunches and business deal dinners, not staying in and making potatoes.
“I am so sorry,” I say. “I can’t believe I said that. They’re amazing!”
“It’s totally fine,” Connor seems genuinely unaffected. “I’m glad you like them.”
Scott’s on my left and leans in, quietly reminding me, “You don’t have to apologize for everything, Jess.”
“I do when I put my foot in my mouth like an idiot,” I murmur back.
“You two are terrible at being discrete,” Connor stage whispers.
The heat rises in my cheeks and I try to regroup. “Well, thanks to all of you for the dinner. As usual, it was amazing.”
Alyssa does her best to stand up from the table without knocking anything over. “Best one yet, boys. Your Black Friday dinners are definitely one of the things that keep me married to Scott.”
“That’s why I don’t cook the rest of the year, I want you to know how special this is,” my brother counters.
Alyssa laughs as she cleans up Arielle in her high chair. “Right, that’s why you don’t cook the rest of the year.”
“So what’s it like being married to a Berringer, Lyss?” Chris asks. “I’m just wondering since Jess and I decided on a spring wedding.”
“Yay!” Gemma claps at the same time Scott yells, “Dude!”
“Oh, it’s pretty remarkable,” Alyssa plays along. “But I have to tell you, if I could do it all over again, I think I’d marry Jess instead. You definitely got the better deal.” Then she winks at my brother.
Scott just smiles back at her and puts another forkful of food into his mouth.
“A spring wedding,” Dad muses. “I hope you put some yellows in your color palate. I think I’d look fantastic walking my daughter down the aisle wearing a yellow rose in my jacket.”
“Jesus, Dad, you’re getting in on this too now?” Scott complains around a mouthful of roast.
“It brings out the blue in my eyes, Scott!”
“We’ll definitely take all of your suggestions into consideration, won’t we, sweetie pie?” I look at Chris and make a kissy face.
“Oh absolutely, my little snowflake. But remember that it’s our day, okay?”
“Aaaand I’m done,” Scott throws his silverware down on his now empty plate and stands up, moving to help clean up Gemma.
My parents and Joe stand as well and begin clearing the table.
“Do you need help with the girls?” I ask Alyssa.
“No, I think we’re good. Just gotta get coats and then we’re off.”
“Mama, Aunt Jess should come to our slumber party,” Gemma chimes in.
I crouch to her level and give her a hug. “That is so amazing that you would invite me, thank you! But I know this is a special slumber party you only have with your mom and your sister. I’ll come for a sleepover another night, okay?”
She’s easily appeased by this and makes the rounds, giving goodbye hugs to everyone else.
“How much sleep do you guys actually get?” I ask Alyssa.
“Are you kidding?” she laughs as she puts a hat on Arielle. “This one is a goner while we FaceTime with my parents,” then she tips her chin towards the kitchen where Gemma is, “and she’s out cold before we’re halfway through Frozen. I finish her popcorn and turn on The Proposal, it’s my favorite night of the year.”
“You’re my hero.”
She gives me an enormous hug. “I love you, sister. I’m so glad you’re home.”
It doesn’t matter who says it to me or how many times they say it, the tears always threaten. “Me, too,” is all I can get out.
I wipe the dreaded eye moisture away quickly as soon as we separate, and walk upstairs to my room to grab a sweater, hip-checking my brother on the way as he says goodbye to his family.
The bustle fades while I make my way down the hall, replaced with a new, muffled sound that comes into range.
Wait, it’s coming from my room. Who would be in there?
“How are you just telling us this now?” Chris demands. Uh-oh. I slow my pace.
“I’m sorry! There wasn’t a good time to mention it before!” Connor shoots back.
“Oh, you mean you couldn’t find a second to bring it up when the three of us were alone almost all day yesterday and the night before that?” Chris snaps. Wow, this might be the angriest I’ve ever heard him. Chris never raises his voice.
“I didn’t want to freak anyone out on the holiday.”
“It’s a big deal, Connor!”
“See, this is why I didn’t say anything before, I knew you’d react like this.”
“Right, so bring it up after dinner in front of five other people. That makes sense.”
“You were the one who asked why I was still here, I tried to get you to talk later and you wouldn’t let it go!”
“Okay, calm down.” Joe’s voice carries over both of them. “Connor, what did the doctors say? Is it serious?”
Yikes, this is turning very personal. I shouldn’t eavesdrop. It’s none of my business.
But also I really need that sweater, I’m freezing my bajingas off.
“Knock knock,” I announce, just as Connor explains something about an ER doctor. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so much tension in a room before, the air is nearly thick. Chris is glaring at Connor, Connor is holding the back of his neck and looking at the floor, and the expression on Joe’s face is one of pure fear, despite the authority that was in his voice just seconds ago. No one speaks a word. “I’m so sorry to interrupt, don’t mind me. Just…came in to grab a sweater…” I creep past them, kneel down, and start digging through my duffel bag for my cardigan.
Chris isn’t interested in waiting for me to leave. “So, the ER doctor thinks it’s nothing to worry about?”
More silence. I chance a quick peek and find them mouthing and motioning, Connor clearly uncomfortable having me in the room for this conversation. I give up on my duffel bag and start sifting through the pile of clothes by the bed instead.
“Okay, both of you knock it off,” Joe says firmly. “Connor, you have to understand we’re just worried about you. If work put you on a six-week sabbatical, then that’s serious.”
Six-week sabbatical? Oh man, that doesn’t sound good. Connor lives and breathes his work, what the heck happened? And where is my freaking sweater? I saw it right here this morning!
As if angels hear my plea, the cardigan in question magically appears in front of me, hanging off the fingers of a very irritated Connor Price. I slowly stand up and gently take it from him. “Thanks,” I force a smile. He does not return it.
I rush to leave the room, but as I get to the doorway, I hear Connor’s voice. “Wait,” he commands.
I can’t even turn my whole body around, I just glance over my shoulder hoping this will be quick and I can be on my way out of this awkward hell of awkwardness.
“Close the door, please,” he says. His tone tells me I’m to stay on this side of the door when I close it.
Dang it! So close…
I do as requested and walk the three steps over to them, putting on my sweater just to give my nervous body something to do.
Chris and Joe are just as bewildered as I am, judging by their expressions. Connor is looking right at me, but he doesn’t seem mad. Just maybe a little tired.
“I’m uh…I’m sorry we took up your room with this.”
“Oh please, don’t apologize. I’m sorry I interrupted, it’s just my mom keeps this house at a balmy 65 degrees and I can never warm up. I didn’t mean to come in and bother you guys, I should have probably just waited but I was cold and sometimes when I get super cold I can’t warm up and?—”
“Jess, it’s okay,” Chris puts his hands up in a time out motion. He’s no stranger to my nervous rambling.
Connor explains. “I got hit with a bad migraine at work the other day, I had to go to the hospital, but everything is fine,” he emphasizes that last part to his dad and brother. “Work has asked me to take some time to relax, and that’s why I’m able to enjoy this lovely family moment with all of you. Jess, I would really appreciate it if you didn’t mention this to anyone else, I really don’t want to field any more questions on it.”
“Yeah, of course.” I pretend to zip up my mouth, lock it up, and throw away the key. “My lips are totally sealed.”
A look of relief washes over him just as I hear my brother calling down the hall and fast approaching. “We’re all moving next door for the card game—” the door pops open and all four of us turn to look at him. “Woah, sorry!” He quickly steps back out and shuts the door.
“Scotty!” Chris calls.
“Nope! Don’t want to know! See you next door!”
Where I want to know everything, Scott is firmly in the Ignorance is Bliss category.
“He’s already forgotten he saw us all in here,” I assure Connor. “Listen, I’m gonna let you all finish this conversation without me but…um…I promise I won’t say a word, and thanks for the sweater and I’ll…uh…see you at the game!” I don’t wait for a response before scurrying out of the room and shutting the door behind me. It isn’t even five minutes longer before they all exit as well.
I watch as Chris and Joe plaster smiles on their faces and jump back into conversation with my parents and Scott. Connor half-heartedly chuckles at something someone says, standing there with his hands in his pockets.
I remember that feeling. That feeling of being an outsider with your own family. Having missed so many holidays before and not fully understanding the inside jokes, or like you have anything to contribute. All while also feeling like they’re holding you with kid gloves.
My heart breaks a little for him. But maybe there’s a way I can help…