18. Jess
Jess:
Thank you again for all your help, the pantry looks great.
Connor:
Totally my pleasure. And the food bank up the street was really grateful for the donation.
Jess:
Har har, so funny.
Connor:
No seriously, I left the thank you card on your counter. Sister Mary Eleanor made me wait while she ran in to write it for you.
Jess:
…
I don’t have the words.
Connor:
Neither did she at first.
Jess:
You really didn’t have to organize all the cabinets, too.
Connor:
Don’t mention it. Happy to do it.
Jess:
And the drawers.
Connor:
It was a natural progression. Not a problem.
Jess:
You snooped and looked in my bedroom closet didn’t you?
Connor:
…
…
…
No.
Jess:
Ah. Okay. So that WASN’T you who paired all my shoes together and lined them up in ascending order by heel height?
Connor:
It’s not natural to have your shoes spread all over the floor! There was a random flip flop in the hallway and it just sucked me in!
Jess:
You’re not allowed to hang out with my dad anymore. It’s starting to get creepy how much you sound alike.
How’s the guitar progress coming along?
Connor:
Really nicely. I can now play the opening to Smoke on the Water, which I’m told is obligatory.
Jess:
Very nice! I hope you’ll play for me sometime.
Connor:
Absolutely, that would be great.
Jess:
You’re still thinking about the rest of my closet aren’t you?
Connor:
What? No!
Yes. I am.
I may never stop.
Jess:
*sigh* Come over Wednesday. I’ll leave the door unlocked again. You’re gonna need all day. Again.
Connor:
*15 photos*
Jess:
Wow…I didn’t even think my closet was big enough to warrant this many photos.
Connor:
I consider it part of my portfolio. It’s some of my finest work.
Jess:
You know it’s never going to stay looking that nice, right?
Connor:
That’s why I took so many pictures.
Jess:
And you stayed out of my dresser drawers as promised?
Connor:
It was challenging but yes, I know better than to search through a woman’s dresser without her consent.
So…what are your thoughts on that front closet? Any plans there?
Jess:
You mean the coat/vacuum/random satchel closet?
Connor:
*gulp GIF*
Jess:
Nah, I think I’ll leave it. I actually have some old purses and a summer hat I need to toss in there.
Connor:
*gulp GIF*
Jess:
You have a problem.
Connor:
I know.
Jess:
Knock yourself out, Marie Kondo. I’ll bring dinner home.
Connor:
Have you watched Monday’s episode of Carnal Island yet?
Jess:
Um, no, I was waiting for you. Obviously.
Connor:
You’re a really good fake girlfriend.
Jess:
Yeah, well, hold on to that feeling because you may change your mind after this party Saturday.
“Why won’t you wear the damn sweater?” FaceTime’s spotty connection does little to hide Anna’s disdain for my wardrobe choice this evening.
I’m not in her line of sight, as I am instead digging through my dresser drawers looking for my shapewear. Connor told me he’d be here in 45 minutes so we could take an Uber to the party together and Anna insisted that she be around virtually to help me get ready.
I pop my head back up in front of the camera on my propped up iPad so she can see me. “I told you why I’m not wearing the sweater,” I protest.
“Because you want your lady parts to die a sad, lonely death?” she deadpans.
I point at the screen. “Don’t be a B.”
“Don’t be a coward,” she counters before leaning forward, like she’s trying to look at the lower part of my body that’s hidden from view. “Is your vagina even still there? Like, is she working properly?”
I cover up my crotch with my hands protectively, even though I know she can’t see anything through my robe. “Hey! She is working just fine, thank you very much.”
“Jessica. This man is attractive, yes?”
I take in a breath. “Unnaturally so, yes.”
“He has seen your natural habitat and didn’t run screaming from it?”
“Sometimes people are just messy and that’s okay!”
“Answer the question.”
“Ugh, yes. He even separated my clothes by season and bought storage bins with color coded lids.”
She pauses. “K, let’s put a pin in that and talk about it later. So Hot Connor likes you, right?”
“I think so,” I reply.
“Of course he does, he’s got eyes in his head. So, he’s interested, you’re interested…one plus one equals two. Get on it.”
“Get on it?” I repeat.
“Yeah, get on it! Listen, it’s not unrealistic to think that in five to ten years I’m going to be a trophy wife hanging on the arm of a very old sugar daddy who will make sure I’m taken care of long after he’s gone.”
I nod in agreement.
“And I won’t be able to live with myself in my giant beachfront mansion as a kept woman if I know my best friend is stuck all alone in Colorado with a goldfish and a vibrator.”
I twist my mouth. “Okay, first of all, I feel the need to make sure we both understand that the goldfish and the vibrator are not related in any way. Second of all, I’m not alone and I like Colorado! Don’t even act like you don’t miss it here.”
“I don’t,” she says without hesitation. “Not even a little. Except right this second because if I was there I would be ripping through your immaculately organized closet and forcing you to wear the red sweater that Hot Connor wants you to put on. So he can rip it off you later.” She waggles her eyebrows at me.
“Stop calling him that,” I point at her and get back to rummaging through my dresser. “And I told you, the sweater is too casual. We’re going to Drago.”
“Okay, okay, fine. What are you wearing, then?”
“Well, you’ll be pleased to know I was hoping to wear this black dress I bought on sale at the end of season last year,” I say, crouching down again to continue my dresser rummaging. “Gah! I’m looking for my freaking shapewear, I know it’s in here somewhere!”
“Butt, pooch, or boobs?” she asks.
“Here it is!” I stand and triumphantly display the crumpled spandex in front of me. “Pooch,” I answer. “Thanksgiving was not kind to me.” I cradle my belly like there’s a baby in there and stand to the side so she can see my profile.
“You’re glowing,” Anna laughs. “I can’t wait to meet my little food baby niece or nephew. Drink up,” she commands, holding up her glass of wine. I reach over and grabbed mine as we virtually cheer each other and take sips. “Okay, so this dress. Let me see it,” she sets her glass down and motions with her hands. “Bring it forth!”
I giggle and grab the dress, holding its hanger in front of the camera. I then do my best game show modeling as I move it in different directions for her to see every angle.
She holds her hand to her heart. “Jess, that is gorgeous.”
“I know, right? It’s just been sitting here in my closet waiting for an excuse to be worn.”
“That is a travesty,” Anna gasps dramatically. “Seriously, woman, you are gonna be hot tonight. I’m talking like H-A-W-T hot. I can’t believe I won’t be there to see Hot Conn—I mean Regular Looking Connor’s face when you open the door in that. Much better than the red sweater, you’re definitely right.”
I smile at my friend’s approval.
“Now, take me with you to the bathroom,” she instructs.
I stare at her in question. “Um, I don’t know that?—”
“So you can do your hair and makeup, what kind of sicko do you think I am?” She grabs her wine glass. “You know what? Never mind, don’t answer that.”
I move us to the bathroom where Anna and I gab as I curl my hair and put on my makeup. After throwing on the dress and carefully clasping a delicate gold necklace, I stand in front of the camera. “What do you think?” I ask.
“Jessica Elizabeth Berringer, you are a ridiculous human woman,” she says. “You look amazing, I can’t believe you’re not here with me so we can go out and tease all the boys together. I cannot wait for this summer.”
I can’t help the grin that stretches across my face. “I’m excited I get to go out,” I admit.
She smiles at me sweetly. “Honey, you deserve this. You look great, everyone’s going to agree with me. And if Ho—” she starts to say the forbidden nickname but saves it. “—ockey Player Connor doesn’t tell you immediately how fantastic you look, then you wear the red sweater when you go home for Christmas, then ignore him. When’s he supposed to be there?”
As if on cue, there’s a knock at my door.
I gasp—too dramatically on account of the wine—and stare back at her with wide-eyed panic. “Oh no! He’s here! I’m not ready!”
“What are you talking about? You look incredible! Of course you’re ready! Now get your ass out there so he can see what a bombshell you are!”
I don’t know how to explain it, but I’m frozen in place. I can’t move, even when I hear a second, slightly louder knock at the door. Am I nervous? Afraid? Going to vomit?
Yes to all.
But why? It’s not like I’m meeting a stranger, Connor and I have known each other for years. We’ve even hung out a few times since Thanksgiving and we’ve been texting regularly.
“Jess?” Anna sounds concerned. “What’s going on?”
“I don’t know,” I whisper, still staring towards my front door. “I don’t think I can do this.”
“Hey.” She waits until I look at her. “He doesn’t get to call the shots anymore. Okay? Don’t give him any more wins, don’t let him take anything else away from you. You’re allowed to have a fun evening with a guy, Jess, you have to know that by now.”
She’s obviously talking about my ex-husband and not my childhood neighbor turned fake boyfriend, who’s probably wondering why I’m not answering the door.
What if he has a horrible time? Can I handle being rejected by a fake boyfriend? Will he still text me about his guitar?
“Get out of your head,” she commands a little more forcefully. “You’ve waited a year to wear that dress and you are going to have a great time with your friends at work and a sexy man. Now go let the poor guy inside, he’s probably freezing his balls off out there.”
She’s right. A text message banner appears at the top of my iPad.
Connor:
Hey, I’ve been knocking but there’s no answer. Are you okay? You’re not hurt or anything are you?
Ugh, he’s so nice. Why does he have to be hot and nice? I’m sweating through my dress now.
Jess:
I’m upstairs and don’t always hear it, I’m so sorry! I’ll be right down!
There, that lie sounds less crazy than I was ignoring you because I don’t think I can talk to a man I’m attracted to anymore, thanks, byyye!
“Okay,” I take in a deep breath and look at Anna’s sympathetic face on the screen. “Come meet him,” I say.
Her eyebrows shoot up. “Seriously?”
“You’re loud and dramatic, it makes everything less awkward.”
She shrugs her shoulders. “Sure, I’m here for that. Let’s do it.”
Anna’s always down for anything, it’s what makes her my best and scariest friend.
I gather the last of my willpower along with my iPad and try to run downstairs without twisting my ankle or giving her motion sickness.
I open the door and immediately the air leaves my lungs. I always thought the term “breathtaking” was just an expression, but now I know different.
Connor stands there in my doorway, smelling like the manliest evergreen forest in all the land. Underneath his long, black, wool coat, he’s wearing a deep green shirt and a charcoal gray suit that’s tailored to fit him like a glove. As soon as he sees my face, he flashes me a welcoming smile and it fills me with the confidence to actually try speaking.
“Hi,” I blow out.
I didn’t say I would try speaking a lot.
“You look beautiful,” he replies and moves in to give me a hug.
“So do you. Great, I mean. You look great,” I correct.
“Still in the room!” Anna’s muffled voice cries from the iPad that’s now sandwiched between Connor and me.
“Oh god!” I immediately pull out of Connor’s embrace and hold up the tablet. “Anna, I’m sorry!”
Connor’s still smiling, but his eyes narrow in confusion.
“Connor, this is my best friend, Anna, she lives in California. Anna, this is Connor, he’s?—”
“Oh, I know who he is. You, sir, are one lucky man.”
Connor chuckles. “I definitely am. I think I met you once a long time ago, didn’t I? How’s life in California?”
“Warmer and faker, but don’t change the subject. What are your intentions with my little Jessica?”
I continue holding the iPad but drop my head in shame. I wanted her to help keep the awkwardness at bay, not make it worse.
But Connor doesn’t miss a beat; probably something else that makes him so good at his job. “I intend to take her out on the best pretend date of her life. Dinner and drinks at the holiday party where I’ll make sure to shower her with perfectly timed boyfriend compliments and adoration, followed by a safe Uber ride home, at which time I will walk her to her door, give her a friendly hug, and thank her for a lovely evening.”
Anna eyes him skeptically. “And that’s it?”
“That’s it,” he promises. “Unless, of course, she changes her mind regarding the terms of our agreement and wants to renegotiate.”
My stomach flips a little and Anna grins. Renegotiate? “I like the confidence,” she applauds while holding her wineglass. “She’s a tough nut to crack, though, do you really think you have what it takes to pry her away from her goldfish?”
“Leave Henry out of this!” I protest.
“I’ve gone up against far worse than a goldfish,” Connor answers. “I can be very persuasive,” he says, looking at me with a full-on smolder. “She promised she’d be my next groupie, and I don’t take those kinds of promises lightly.”
“Oh my god, you’re perfect!” Anna grins. “I support this,” she motions back and forth as if she was standing in the room and pointing to both of us together. “I support this very much. Jessica!”
I turn the iPad around so that she’s looking at me instead of Connor. “I’ve had more wine than you and so I must go eat nachos now. You look incredible, Hot Connor is fantastic, and you’re going to have a glorious time. Now be gone!”
Connor regards me when he hears Anna mention his new monicker but says nothing. I’m honestly not sure if Anna said it on purpose or if it was a drunken mistake.
“Okay, enjoy your nachos. I’ll talk to you later, love you.”
Anna blows me a kiss. “Always, always. Nice to meet you, Hot Connor!” And then she signs off.
She definitely said it on purpose.