20. Jess
The roast chicken with baby carrots and buttered potato puree is delicious enough for me to forget about my nerves, but not so delicious that it puts undo pressure on my shapewear.
So it’s perfect, is what I’m saying.
Connor is in the middle of a truly Oscar-worthy performance as my impeccable boyfriend, joking easily with everyone while also complimenting me and somehow touching me all night.
Alex used to do this thing where every time I would reach for his hand to hold it, he pulled it away. Whether he was doing it to be contrary or he really just hated physical contact with me, I never really knew. But Connor has no problem with it, and feeling our fingers intertwined is borderline euphoric.
My pretend boyfriend is better than my real ex-husband.
Connor is so amazing. Everyone loves him. Admit it, it feels awesome to be dating someone people actually like and respect.
Wait! I’m not dating him. Stop it!
But I totally could be, right? Like, how great would that be?
AUGH! Knock it off, brain, I need to stay single right now!
“I think I’m gonna run to the ladies’ room really quick, excuse me.” I stand quickly and, purse in hand, make my way towards the front of the restaurant where the restrooms are. Instead of going into the bathroom, though, I duck outside and fumble in the cold to get my phone out.
“Please don’t be passed out, please don’t be passed out,” I mutter as the other line rings.
“What’s going on? Is he a jerk? I’ll kill him!”
“Anna, help me, he’s perfect.”
“K, first of all, he’s not perfect, there’s something wrong with all of them. Second of all, why is that a problem?”
“Because I’m starting to like him in more than a fake way.”
“Jess, that’s fantastic!”
“No, it’s not! What do I do with this?”
“You stop talking to me and go back inside to enjoy the rest of the evening with a great guy.”
“But what about after tonight?”
“Don’t worry about that right now. Just enjoy this and we’ll talk about the rest tomorrow.”
“What if he doesn’t like me back?”
She snorts. “Not possible. I wasn’t drunk enough to miss the renegotiate comment from earlier, he’s totally into you. Now go drink some more wine and have fun feeling what it’s like to be treated the way you should be.”
“Yeah.” My confidence takes root. Or at least my liquid confidence does. “Yeah, okay, I can do that.”
“Of course you can. You’re the best. Love you, babe.”
“Always, always.”
“Always, always.”
I shove my phone back in my purse and square my shoulders as I walk back into the restaurant. I have totally got this. But let’s get another glass of wine here at the bar before I head back. By the time I return to the back room, I’m about halfway through my glass and I notice that someone has rearranged the tables.
Connor is sitting at one table between Kayla and Matt, while Ollie and Paul flank the edges. At the other table across from them, my coworkers are settling in.
“Ah, there she is!” Anderson smiles. “Come on in, Jess, we’re just getting started.”
I grin, largely because my new chair is right next to our bartender. Woohoo! I order another glass of wine before sitting down, the rest of my current glass burning its way down my throat as I toss it back. Connor has an amused expression on his face and gives me two thumbs up. Apparently, he approves of my turn as a lush.
Cayenne prances over with a stack of paper and a handful of pens, passing one of each out to everyone.
“The Newlywed Game?” Sammie yelps beside me. “No way. We’re out.”
“Aww, babe!” Ollie whines.
“I am not your babe!”
I scan the sheet Cayenne handed me and Sammie’s right. It’s a game about couples and how well they know each other.
No.
No, no, no, no, no…
“Sorry, Anderson,” Sammie says. “I’m gonna pass.”
“Can we do that?” I whisper to her.
“You’ll be fine,” she assures me. “Ollie’s my cousin’s friend, I had to bring him because I lost a bet, long story. But I barely know him, so we’d lose anyway. You and Connor’ll breeze right through this.”
I think I’m gonna be sick. Oh look, more wine!
“All right everyone, we’re gonna keep this nice and simple. The grand prize iiiiiis…” Anderson always pauses for dramatic effect. “Cold hard cash! There’s a hundred dollars for the winning couple!” He holds up the crisp bill to a crowd of oohs and aahs. “The rules are easy. You all have the same five questions. Write the answers for your partner in the lefthand column and the answers for yourself in the righthand column. When you’re done, flip your paper over. You have two minutes…go!”
Oh god, this could not be more embarrassing. Connor doesn’t know any of this stuff. Gah! How does he look so calm over there?
The room falls completely silent, and I look at the first question. Where did you first meet? Oh! Okay, that’s not so bad, that’s an easy one. I write the answer in both columns.
With renewed confidence, I read the second question. Who is their/your celebrity crush?
Motherlover! Does he even have a celebrity crush? I have to get his attention. Maybe if I can just get him to look my way, we can subtly mouth the answers to each other.
First, I try the obvious: mental telepathy.
Look at me. Connor. Connor! Looooook at meeeeeeeee.
Okay, that’s not working. I clear my throat delicately, but to no avail.
I try again, still nothing.
I decide to try a third time, less “delicate” and more “smokes-five-packs-a-day.”
That gets me a few concerned glances, but none of them from my dumb, fake boyfriend. No, he’s sitting there cool as a cucumber, writing away like he knows everything about me.
He’s probably just super focused. I’ll just have some more wine and write down my answers for myself, then try to get his attention again.
Satisfied with my empty glass and progress on half the page, I look at Hot Connor and for frick’s sake, is he writing a novel over there?
I bet he did the same thing I did. Fill out the right side cuz it’s easier. I’m sure if I make a noise, he’ll get the hint.
Everyone is still eerily quiet, so I don’t think it’ll be too hard to break his concentration. I shift around in my seat, hoping maybe the movement will catch his eye, but the man is indistractable. Undistractable? Indestructible? Think, Jessica, think!
“Caw,” I say lightly. Sammie looks at me from the corner of her eye. I need to do better than that. “Ca-caw, ca-caw.”
Finally!His eyes meet mine just as Anderson calls, “That’s time!”
“Oh come on!” I throw my pencil down.
The following ten minutes are pure torture and somehow also kind of a blur. “You’re creepy,” I declare to Hot Connor after—in multiple layers of irony—Jim and Kayla are declared the winners.
“What’s this now?” he chuckles.
“You got lucky with them accepting Captain America as my celebrity crush, but the others? How did you know?”
“It wasn’t all that hard, Jess. Your favorite song has always been Cryin because you have an unsettling love for Aerosmith.”
“It is a very normal affection, thank you.”
“And I spent a lot of time in your pantry, so I know Doodle Cookies are your favorite junk food.”
“Rest in peace, Doodle Cookies,” I say somberly.
“The last question about what cereal you’d be? That was all about what I thought you’d say, not what I actually think. I knew you’d make fun of yourself, so I figured Froot Loops was the safe bet.”
“See? Creepy.”
He laughs. “I prefer ‘observant’ but it’s your night, so whatever makes you happy.”
A warm feeling swirls around my insides as I look up at him. “My night?”
“Yeah. It’s your party, I’m just here for decoration.”
Alex would have been so mad we lost. He would have been so irritated to be here at all.
“Are you having fun?” I ask.
“I am! I have to admit, I wasn’t so sure how I felt about your coworkers after the dating membership thing, but you’re right. They’re really nice people. Are you having fun?”
Alex never would have asked me that.
I grab Hot Connor’s hand and lean my head on his shoulder. “This is the best night I’ve had in a really long time.”