22. Jess
Hot Connor:
I found it!
Jess:
Is it my left shoe from last night? I could only locate the right one this morning.
Hot Connor:
Even better. I’m sending you the link for it now.
*shopping link*
Jess:
I’m not trying to be dense here but I’m pretty hung over and I don’t understand why you’re sending me a link for gold sneakers.
Hot Connor:
If we’re going to be fake dating on New Year’s, I’d like to go on a bar crawl in these. They’re comfortable AND aesthetically pleasing.
Jess:
They’re over $1,000! ??
Hot Connor:
That’s the price we pay for fashion.
Jess:
Um, that’s not the price *I* pay for fashion…
Hot Connor:
All right, all right. I’m not an unreasonable man. I have a back-up option. What about these?
*shopping link*
Jess:
Those are pretty fancy! I didn’t peg you for a sequins guy.
Hot Connor:
I’m not, but I think they might blind Chris when we play tennis and give me an extra advantage.
Jess:
I don’t think the advantage is going to you if you wear those around your brother.
Hot Connor:
Back to the drawing board I guess.
Jess:
What about something like this? It’s a mini baseball bat for when you’re saving the ladies from all the Ronnies of the world!
*shopping link*
Hot Connor:
I’m a pacifist now, sorry.
Jess:
That sounds like a blatant lie but thanks for trying to be creative about the rejection at least.
So I thought leading with the baseball bat would make this less awkward and I couldn’t be more wrong. But I have to ask you a question.
Hot Connor:
You know how to make a man sweat, don’t you?
Jess:
Kennedi and Sammie have both texted me this morning…why is everyone in my office calling you Hot Connor?
Hot Connor:
Besides the obvious?
Jess:
Every once in a while that line between you and your brother gets a little too blurry, you know that?
Hot Connor:
Aaand reality is checked.
You started calling me Hot Connor about 3 Cabs in and everyone else just hopped on board.
Jess:
…
I’m dying 1,000 deaths right now. I am so sorry.
I’ll get you the sneakers.
And I’ll get the bat for myself so I can beat my head in with it.
Hot Connor:
I don’t think violence really suits you.
Jess:
Apparently drinking doesn’t either. ???♀?
Hot Connor:
You know what does suit you? Telling me what you want for Christmas.
Jess:
What? No way, we’re not exchanging gifts.
Hot Connor:
I can’t let my fake girlfriend buy me those shoes and not get her a gift of her own.
Jess:
Well I’m not buying you those shoes so problem solved…
Hot Connor:
Tell me something you want for Christmas.
I did the right lead-in, now you have to answer.
Jess:
Nuh-uh, it’s my game and I can change the rules. Gotta go, talk later!
Hot Connor:
Very funny. Come on now.
…
Jess?
Connor:
It’s been 24 hours and your hangover should be gone, so I’m trying again. Tell me something you want for Christmas.
Jess:
A million dollars.
Connor:
Tell me something you want for Christmas that I can feasibly/legally obtain in the next 10 days.
Jess:
Rocky Road ice cream.
Connor:
Tell me something you want for Christmas that I can feasibly/legally obtain in the next 10 days that is also shelf-stable.
Jess:
Sorry, I’m out of options. Guess you can’t get me anything…womp womp...
Connor:
You know I’m going to get you something either way and it’s going to be so much better if you just tell me what you like.
Jess:
Better than ice cream or a million dollars? Not possible.
Seriously, don’t get me anything.
Connor:
If you’re not going to tell me then I’m getting you this:
*shopping link*
Jess:
Save your money, I already have that.
Connor:
You already have a Pennywise salt and pepper shaker set?
Jess:
Yup. And the matching cookie jar.
Connor:
I feel like you’re lying, but fine. New approach: besides ice cream and buckets of money, what is your favorite thing in life?
Jess:
Starfishing.
Connor:
I’m sorry, I just choked on my coffee. Did you mean to type “starfishing?”
Jess:
You probably choked on your coffee because coffee is disgusting.
Connor:
Coffee is the greatest gift Mother Earth has ever given us.
Jess:
Strongly disagree. On multiple levels.
And yes, starfishing is exactly what I meant to type. Why is that so weird?
Connor:
Hey, no judgment here, it just seems…let’s just say you’ve managed to surprise me.
Jess:
??
I mean…it’s not that crazy. After sleeping next to Alex for so many years, being able to spread out and take up the entire bed was one of the first things I really let myself enjoy after my divorce.
Connor:
Oh, you just mean lying in bed with your arms and legs stretched out like a starfish? That makes MUCH more sense!
Jess:
Of course that’s what I meant. What did you think I was talking about?
Connor:
I’d really rather not say. It makes me look bad.
Jess:
Well luckily I have Google to help me when you won’t.
OHMYGOD THAT’S WHAT YOU THOUGHT I MEANT????!!
Connor:
I’m sorry! That’s why I choked on my coffee!
Jess:
It’s awkward now. It’s so very awkward.
Connor:
It was an innocent mistake, it’s totally fine! Not awkward!
Jess:
Anna would be so disappointed in me right now. She’d make me put a promise in writing that I’m an active bedroom participant.
Connor:
Oh wow, is that what you’re getting ME for Christmas?
Jess:
…
Connor:
Okay maybe now it’s a little awkward.
Would you like our Christmas gifts to each other to be pretending this conversation never happened?
Jess:
It would save me from digging my own grave right now so yes please.
Connor:
Done. ????