34. Jess
Jess:
I messed up.
I messed up I messed up I messed up.
Anna:
I told you not to use silicon-based lube on that vibrator, it’ll break down the material. Just hurry and wash it off, it should be fine.
Alyssa:
I thought it was date night last night, you shouldn’t have needed the vibrator.
Anna:
Oh wow, we really need to take Alyssa out when I come to visit. Scott will definitely thank me.
Teagan:
I feel like Jess probably didn’t mess up her vibrator.
Anna:
Not again, anyway.
Jess:
No, it’s worse. It’s so much worse.
Anna:
Seriously? Because that thing was really expensive.
Jess:
ANNA FOCUS!
I flipped out on Connor. I think he’s super mad at me.
Alyssa:
Okay, back up. What happened?
Jess:
I told him about Alex and the money. He thinks I should take it.
Teagan:
He didn’t understand why you’re not?
Jess:
I was still too in shock to explain it to him. But that’s not the worst part. He bought me toiletries.
Teagan:
…
Alyssa:
Like…shampoo and soap?
Jess:
Like a whole shower caddy with stuff plus my own sink with a toothbrush and soap and everything.
Anna:
That MOTHERFUCKER!!
I mean the stones on that guy to buy you stuff you love so you’re comfortable in his home!
Teagan:
I’m so confused right now.
Anna:
Let me see if I’ve got it right—Lyss, please chime in…
Jess was—very rightfully and totally understandably—upset after talking with Fuckwad McDouchenozzle yesterday.
Alyssa:
Connor, in his blissful ignorance, thought he could make things better by being pragmatic.
Anna:
Bless. His. Heart. And then, trying to cheer up sweet Jessica, he showed her what an absolute cinnamon roll he is.
Alyssa:
And Jess was emotionally flooded that a man did something thoughtful for her after just dealing with the man who’s never thought of anyone but himself a day in his life.
Jess:
You guys I was so awful to him. I lost it.
Teagan:
I bet it wasn’t that bad, Jess, what did you say?
Jess:
I might have accused him of using the toiletries as a means of manipulating me to sleep over at his place even though I told him I wasn’t ready. And then I might have walked out of his place without even giving him a hug.
Anna:
Oh shit, hugs are like your signature. You were really upset.
Jess:
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, it was like I couldn’t help myself.
Alyssa:
Absolutely nothing is wrong with you! This is totally fixable, okay? Connor is not Alex, he will listen to you if you explain this to him.
Anna:
I just want to repeat that: Connor is not Alex.
Teagan:
I mean, I saw how he looked at you that night you guys were at the bar. He seems like a genuine guy.
Jess:
He IS a genuine guy, that’s why I’m freaking out. I just want things to go back to the way they were before.
Alyssa:
Have you talked to him since you left last night?
Jess:
No. ??
Anna:
Just send him a text and let him know that you’re sorry. Maybe send a picture of that vibrator if you haven’t ruined it, that will probably warm him up.
Jess:
What if he’s so mad he won’t talk to me?
Alyssa:
Then Scott and Chris will make sure his priorities are straightened out.
Anna:
BOOM! Problem solved!
Teagan:
Hey, Jess - I just wanted to send this to you separately…I know we haven’t known each other for very long but dealing with trauma is tough. Nate died 4 years ago and there are days I’m fine and days I’m still reeling. Give yourself some grace and if you ever need to talk, I’m always around.
And I also have access to free alcohol if Cruz is working at the bar so just putting that out there.
Jess:
You had me at free alcohol.
Seriously, though, I’m grateful for the offer. And thank you for the reassurance. My therapist always tells me that recovery isn’t linear…I guess this is what she means.
Teagan:
This is definitely what she means. I’m glad to hear you’re seeing a therapist, that’s important! Make sure you talk to her about this, too.
Jess:
I feel like I was such a bitch.
Teagan:
The only bitch here is grief. Give yourself grace, this is all uncharted territory for you.
Jess:
And if that doesn’t work then free alcohol?
Teagan:
Oh free alcohol either way.
Jess:
Bless you.
Jess:
Hey…I’d rather do this in person but I know we won’t have time to see each other until Friday and I don’t want to wait that long. I owe you the biggest apology. The apology to end all apologies. The Grand Poobah of apologies. What you did for me last night was so incredibly sweet and I can’t tell you how awful I feel about the way I reacted. I’m so sorry, please tell me you’ll forgive me.
Connor:
I completely understand, Jess, you had a really rough night.
Jess:
So you’re not mad at me?
Connor:
I am 100% not mad at you in any way.
Jess:
Are you sure? Because if you WERE mad but now you’re not, that would mean we made up and I think that equals make-up sex. I’ve heard make-up sex is really fun…
Connor:
I’m not mad but we can still put that on the schedule.
Hmm…that isn’t exactly the enthusiastic reaction I was hoping for. And despite Anna’s usual savvy with seduction, I’m not ready to send Connor a picture of my vibrator.
Jess:
Okay well, have a good night.
Connor:
Sweet dreams. ??
He says he isn’t mad, I can see it in writing right there on my phone. So why does it feel like he is?
“So you’re Jess,” Lisa Wong greets me as I walk towards her desk. It’s great to finally meet her in person.
“That’s me,” I say, holding up a bag of Stella’s Deli in one hand and waving at her with the other. “Thanks so much for checking his calendar for me. I didn’t want to just show up here if he was going to be in a meeting or something.”
“Girlfriend, I would have cleared his schedule for you.” She loops her long black hair into a bun and secures it with a pencil as she speaks to me. “He’s still a crazy workaholic, but since he’s been with you? He’s, like, a happy crazy workaholic. A real perk for me since I work for him.”
My heart skips a little at knowing I have a positive effect on him. “Well, hopefully he doesn’t mind a little surprise lunch.”
Just then, a familiar voice creeps into the conversation. “Lisa, when you get a chance, can you please get Kensington on the books for another check-in later this week? And do you have their quarterlies for the last five years? I thought they—Jess!”
I was wondering how long it would take before he noticed me. Wow, he really does get focused in the office.
“What are you doing here?”
“Surprise,” I smile weakly and hold up the bag of food. “I didn’t want to wait until the weekend to see you.”
He still seems confused.
“I had the day off today,” I remind him.
Lisa looks a little nervous as she glances between us. I guess it isn’t just me who’s underwhelmed by Connor’s reaction. “Here are the quarterlies,” she says as she hands him a large file folder from her desk. “And here is your girlfriend with lunch. Yaaaay!”
“I should go,” I immediately backpedal. This was a mistake, what was I thinking? “I’m so sorry I bothered you at work. I shouldn’t?—”
“No!” Lisa and Connor both blurt out, causing a few other executives’ eyes to turn our way.
Connor recovers, but not before I notice the glare he’s getting from his assistant. “No, Jess, stay. This is really nice.” He walks over and gives me a quick kiss on the cheek before putting his hand on my lower back to guide me to his office.
“Are you sure?” I ask.
“Yes, definitely,” he replies while he shuts the door. “Let me just…clean up over here…” he rushes around to his desk, moving the piles of paper and folders into orderly stacks on the credenza behind him.
“So, this is where the magic happens, huh?” I try to lighten the mood. His office is almost a mirror of his condo; sleek, minimal, orderly. Not quite sterile, but not exactly what I’d call homey. He doesn’t even have any family pictures anywhere. “What? Oh,” he chuckles. “Yeah, this is it. My home away from home. Please, take a seat,” he sits down behind his desk and directs me to the chair across from it.
I do so, taking out the styrofoam containers and setting them down. “Lisa said you’re a fan of Stella’s BLTs, so I got one for each of us.”
“That sounds great, thank you.”
“Mmm, it looks good,” I coo. In an effort to avoid eye contact, I throw myself into that sandwich like it’s my last meal on Earth. And I am rewarded; the crispy toast combined with the salty smokiness of the bacon and the juicy tomatoes is worth the hype. I don’t even remember what I’m doing here, it’s that good. I want to savor every last morsel.
Which is more than I can say for my boyfriend, who’s already halfway done by the time I’ve finished my first bite.
“Wow,” I say. “You must be starving, did you eat breakfast?”
“Hmm?” his eyes are drifting over to his computer monitor after a ding announces an incoming email. “Oh, I did, yeah. I just usually eat lunch quick while I’m working. I don’t want to get crumbs or grease on anything.”
“Right, that makes sense.”
What happened to our easy conversations? It wasn’t even this awkward when we first started hanging out. You freaked out about the toiletries and he’s still irritated.
I shake off the intrusive thought. “So, I know we’re going to see each other on Friday, but I actually got invited to show one of my short films at a small presentation that night. I was kind of hoping you’d want to come see it.”
That seems to grab his attention, at least. “Wow, Jess, that’s amazing. Congratulations! Of course I’ll be there, I wouldn’t miss it.”
For the first time since I walked into the building, I feel relief.
But it quickly fades as I watch him stuff the rest of his sandwich into his mouth and immediately throw the empty container into the trash can under his desk before trying to look at me and his monitor at the same time.
You know how in romance novels the heroine thinks even the most benign thing the hero does is sexy?
Yeah, that’s not what this is.
“I think I’m gonna head out,” I stand and pack away my barely eaten sandwich, silently telling it that it deserves better than what its companion just got.
“Are you sure?” Connor stands, too, his cheeks stuffed like a chipmunk preparing for hibernation. At least he has the decency to cover his mouth with his forearm.
With confidence I did not have ten minutes ago, I look at him and say, “Super sure. I know you’re busy, I just wanted to see you and apologize again in person. And then, you know, tell you about Friday.”
I walk towards the door but am pulled back and whipped around into a tight hug. He doesn’t say anything right away (I assume he’s still trying to finish his “bite”) but the silence is welcome, because it gives me a chance to hold on to him. It’s something I’ve desperately needed since everything blew up.
“I’m really glad I got to see you,” he says finally. And I believe him.
“Me, too. I’ll let you get back to business. No need to walk me out or anything, I know where to go.”
He lets me pull away, but holds me at arm’s length and smiles. “Thank you for understanding me.”
“I’ll see you Friday?”
“I’ll see you Friday. I can’t wait to see your film.”
I smile widely. “I can’t wait for you to see it, either. I’ll text you all the details.”
Lisa is on the phone when I walk by her desk, so I just wave and mouth “thank you” to her as I walk by. But she quickly hangs up and calls to me before I get to the elevators.
“Did he finally pull his head out of his ass?” she asks.
I laugh. “I caught him off guard, he’s fine.”
“He ate that sandwich in like two bites, didn’t he?”
My face twists up. “He did, it was like watching a Nat Geo special.”
“Don’t take it personally, it’s this Kensington Sons account he’s trying to land. Months in the making and they’re really dragging their feet. Craig just refuses to let go. We’re close, though, so hang in there. Please, god, don’t leave him.”
“I’m not planning on it,” I chuckle. “Wait, Kensington Sons is Craig Kensington? As in Craig, Tom, and Lee?”
She studies me. “Yeah…do you know about them?”
“I do, actually! Well, one of them, anyway. I went to college with Lee. He dated my best friend, Anna. Super nice family.”
“Well, they’re not real thrilled about selling. Not to us, anyway. Craig keeps saying he wants something that carries on his vision and no one’s pitching it to him.”
“You should try taking him to an Avs game and buttering him up there. He’s not really a boardroom guy.”
“Seriously?”
I shrug. “Couldn’t hurt. I know the whole family are huge fans.”
“Okay, well, this is me going to look for tickets right now. And also give your man shit for not thinking of it himself. Thank you!”
“No problem. I’m going to go eat this sandwich with the reverence it deserves,” I reply.
“Oh my god yes, because I know he did not even taste it,” she calls over her shoulder.