twenty-eight #2
I said almost those exact words to Duke about her. Now she sees it, when it’s too late. When it doesn’t matter.
None of it matters. Nothing will bring him back, change the outcome.
Nothing short of reversing time could undo what we’ve done, what we’ve lost. It can never be found, even if I find her.
And what makes me think I could, after I couldn’t for the past year, when it mattered?
If I’d found her before, this wouldn’t have happened.
But I didn’t find her. I’m not a god, no matter what I want to believe, who I kill, to convince myself. A god could bring him back.
“Just like sending him home to be buried with the family,” Royal grumbles. “I wouldn’t want to be buried with the bastard for all of eternity, but Duke loved Dad despite everything. He’d want to be laid to rest next to him.”
I don’t know how they figure out the things he would want.
He’s not here to want them, so it seems meaningless to me.
But I know he loved Dad, so I have to trust them.
I know he loved Olive too, though I will never understand why.
And I know that he always wanted kids, and she’s the closest he will ever come to having one.
That’s what makes me believe them. They understand the reason behind these things, have some insight into human nature that I don’t.
And since I can’t refute it, I have to trust their judgment on this, because Duke was the human side to us. All that’s left now is the demon.
After the crowd disperses, and people have moved inside to eat and share stories, to laugh and cry and take solace in each other in some ritual form of community that only lasts until they leave this place, if the pattern I’ve observed at other funerals stays consistent, a few people linger.
I pause before making my way over to where Colt and Lo stand near an oversized floral arrangement, their heads bent toward each other, conversing.
Colt looks up first, his eyes hooded and cold, even while they’re still red from crying.
In them, I see exactly the same impenetrable aloofness that Mabel carries, the one that drew me to her from the start, before she entangled me in her web.
Back then, I thought I’d crack her open and lay it bare, solve all her mysteries.
Now, I know I never will. There is something in them that’s beyond the reach of humanity, or perhaps only beyond the reach of reason. That’s all I have to work with now.
I can’t imagine going forward with that handicap for the rest of my life.
I’ve always had Duke there to help me, to dumb things down for me so that I could understand.
Because when it comes to emotion, to all the subtle, intangible facets of normal people, I was the one who stumbled blindly.
I’m only beginning to comprehend all that we’ve lost. Not just our human side, but the part that understands humanity.
“What do you want?” Colt asks.
“It’s okay,” Gloria says, resting a hand on his arm. “I’m ready.”
I look back and forth between them, searching for meaning, for context clues.
If I could memorize every word, gesture, and facial expression and bring them home to my twin like I used to, he would tell me what they’re saying without words.
He would tell me if that look on Gloria’s face is pity, or sympathy, or trepidation.
But I can’t do that now. I am flying blind.
I will fly blind for the rest of my life.
“I’ll get Mabel,” Colt says. “She should be here.”
“Okay,” Gloria says. “She’s over there with your dad and that vampire guy.”
Colt chuckles, but when his gaze moves across me, it’s as remote as ever.
He walks over to get his sister, who’s standing with her father, her uncle, and a tall stranger with black hair and pale skin.
Whatever made Mabel the way she is, it made her brother the same.
There’s something in them that none of the other Darlings have, something that cannot be destroyed even when they’re crushed to dust beneath our thumbs.
Preston reacted with anger, could be tempted to revenge.
Devlin ran to protect what was his. Colt and Mabel stayed.
They endured every torture with grim, steadfast perseverance, even a quiet kind of dignity.
We broke their bodies and their minds, but they never surrendered.
They both show all the signs of human weakness and emotion when it comes to suffering, both their own and that of others, but they never bowed and scraped, never groveled.
Maybe that is what drew my brother to Colt—the mystery, the similarity to the girl we loved, the ever-unattainable prey that finally drives the hunter mad.
Gloria clears her throat. “So,” she says. “I guess the last time we saw each other, I was threatening to kill you if you ever came back.”
“Do you regret not doing it then?”
“No,” she says. “I don’t think I’m cut out for jail. I enjoy my freedom too much.”
“Not even if it would have saved him?” I ask, glancing at the casket, now closed over half my life.
“When you put it that way…” she says. “I won’t lie and say everyone here isn’t thinking the same thing. We’d all happily make the trade if we could.”
“You’re as heartless as Mabel.”
She smiles. “Just as you made me.”
“It’s impressive, really,” I muse. “You were perfectly formed.”
“By your hand.”
“And his.”
She nods, her gaze straying to the casket too. “And his.”
“I know it doesn’t change anything. You’ve made up your mind like everyone else. But this one time, for what it’s worth, I’m thinking the same as everyone else.”
“Actually, that’s worth a lot,” she says, taking a breath and smoothing her hands down the front of her trim black skirt. “It makes me feel better about this, anyway.”
Colt and Mabel join us, Mabel’s gaze moving between me and Lo. “Hi, Gloria.”
“Hi,” Gloria says, licking her lips quickly and glancing at Colt. She smooths her skirt again, then makes a laugh that even I can tell is insincere. “Damn, this is awkward. I guess you don’t like me very much.”
“I have no feelings about you whatsoever,” Mabel says.
“Oh,” Gloria says. “I wouldn’t blame you if you did. I mean, I bullied you in high school.”
“You did what you were told,” Mabel says. “I know that.”
“Oh,” Gloria says again, glancing at me this time. “I figured you hated me.”
“People often overestimate the impact they have on others,” Mabel says. “I never thought you had any feelings about me one way or the other.”
“That’s good,” Colt says, smiling. “Because she never bore you any ill will, and since we’re together, it’s nice to see you don’t have anything against her either. I want my sister and my lady to get along.”
“Okay,” Mabel says. “Is that what you wanted to tell me?”
“No,” Gloria says, swallowing and glancing around. Finally, her gaze settles on me. “Um, so… Did you check up on me once I went to Cedar Crest?”
“No,” I say, scowling at her. “Why would I? You’d served your purpose. Mabel just told you how insignificant you are to us.”
“Okay,” she says slowly. “Well, I had a baby. I put it up for adoption. It was an open adoption, but I didn’t want to know anything about it. I don’t even know the sex. I only know… It was probably a Dolce.”
“What.”
My voice is flat, with no inflection.
Gloria gulps. She isn’t like Mabel. She’s weak. She groveled and trembled and begged all the time. She has no dignity. No right to do what she’s done. “I don’t know for sure,” she says quickly. “I only saw it once. It’s just a guess.”
“You had our baby,” I say carefully. “And you didn’t tell us?”
“Look, you fucking psychopath,” Colt cuts in, his brows drawn into a fierce frown, his words a harsh growl.
“You raped her. And before you start to spew your bullshit about how she was willing, we all know that’s not true.
I know it, she knows it, and you know it, even if you won’t admit it.
Hell, Mabel knows it, and she wasn’t even in the state when it happened. Everyone knows what you are, Baron.”
He stares me down, his smoky blue eyes dark with a fury so potent even I can identify it. If he thinks he’ll intimidate me, though, he should know better.
I don’t budge an inch. “What does that have to do with this?”
“It has everything to do with it,” Colt says.
“Your victim has no obligation to inform you of the consequences of your assault. So if you’re going to get all bitchy and act like you had a right to know, save it.
You never had a right to anything. You’re lucky she’s fucking speaking to you, let alone telling you this.
So unless you’re going to thank her for telling you, don’t say another fucking word to her. ”
I think he might finally lose his temper after all these years and throw the first punch, but before I can make that happen, Ma comes stumbling over, a drink held aloft in one hand.
“Baron,” she cries, and then her heel turns in the soft grass, and she lurches sideways, towards the casket.
Her body knocks against it, and the hollow sound is like there’s nothing inside at all.
But I know there is, even if it’s not Duke anymore.
It starts to tip, and I lunge for it, grabbing the top end with both arms, wrestling for control.
Colt darts forward and grabs the foot end, bringing it back into balance.
We stare at each other along its length, neither of us speaking.
My heart is beating harder than it does on my morning runs.
He could have let it fall.
After all we did, he could have let it fall, let the lid be knocked off and my brother’s body roll facedown into the dirt. He could have laughed, said now he’s where he belongs.
In his place, it’s what I would have done.
But he just blinks those inscrutable eyes at me, a hidden message in their depths that I will never understand. Then he swallows and steps back.
Ma is on the ground, having fallen when the coffin moved. “Baron,” she howls. “Look what you did! Threw me on the ground like trash. Your own mother!”
“Ma,” I snap, grabbing her under the arms and hauling her to her feet. “Get yourself together. You’re making a scene.”
She throws herself into my arms, her body a deadweight around my neck as she clings on. “My special boy,” she says. “You won’t leave me, will you? You’re all I have left.”
“I can’t deal with you right now.”
“Don’t leave me,” she slurs. “He left me, just like your father. You won’t do that, will you? Promise me!”
“Ma. I’m in the middle of something. Can you go sit down and wait for me?”
Ma stares up at me, her eyes wide. Then she lets out a loud cry. “You don’t have time for your grieving mother?”
Colt is motioning for our grandmother, who comes hurrying over.
“Nonna,” I say. “Can you get her inside?”
“But I need you,” Ma wails. “I need my baby boy!”
I disentangle myself and shift her into Nonna’s arms. “You got her?”
“I got her,” she assures me, even as Mom clings to her neck, sagging toward the ground.
“Fine,” Mom snaps. “Abandon me, just like your brother. You always put him first. As if I didn’t give you both life! I gave you everything, and this is all the thanks I get?”
“No one has the strength to carry the burden of your grief,” Nonna says to Ma. “We’re all collapsing under the weight of our own. Now put some starch in those legs and stop acting like a baby, or I’ll let you lie on the ground and throw a fit like one.”
They stumble off together, Ma berating her mother-in-law now.
I turn back to the others. “When did this happen?”
“Damn,” Colt says, shaking his head and watching my family depart. “So that’s your mom. Explains a few things.”
“Yeah, and yours is braindead, which explains you. So let’s get back to business.”
“It was a year ago,” Gloria says, having collected herself in the few minutes since she spoke last. She looks like the cool queen we made her, hard as diamond and just as implacable.
“I put the date of conception around Thanksgiving. Maybe that day in the library. It was before Colt, and after Rylan. Not long after, so he’s an option too, if the pregnancy wasn’t exactly 40 weeks. ”
“Five guys fucked you in the library.”
She swallows, and something flickers across her face, but she lifts her chin and holds my gaze. “Cotton wore a condom. Gideon didn’t cum. And DeShaun is Black, so unless it has none of his features at all, it’s not his. Which leaves you and Duke.”
A heavy silence stretches.
Finally, Mabel speaks for the first time. She’s standing motionless, having not moved an inch since she came over. Her face is a mystery, her expression one that Duke might have solved, but I can’t.
“Why are you telling us this?”
Gloria shrugs. “I just thought you might want to know. Now that he’s gone… Of course I can’t be sure it’s his. There’s no way to know, really. But… I don’t how. I just do. Maybe you don’t believe in intuition, but I know.”
She can’t know, though. No one can. That baby is mine as much as it is Duke’s. Because biologically, we are the same person. One person.
I open my mouth to correct her, but then I see Colt’s frown, the way he’s glaring at me, like the close call with the casket never happened.
But it did happen.
He didn’t have to do that, to save Duke’s body its dignity. But he did.
I give him a curt nod, then a deeper one to Gloria. “Thank you.”