16. Bay
SIXTEEN
bay
I’m fucking pregnant.
Me.
I’m the last person on Earth who should reproduce.
The thought has been filtering through my brain for so long I’m very tempted to have my tubes tied and possibly abort this fetus growing in my stomach.
Can you do it? How savage are you to get rid of a child, Bay? One you’re supposed to be protecting.
I’m not up to murdering anything that didn’t harm myself or my family, but I did do a number on Levi’s car when I tried to execute my ex.
Honestly, he’d fucking kill me if he were still alive with the massive temper tantrum I just pulled. The glossy black Malibu was his pride and joy, and I used it as a weapon to slay our enemy and get even with a prick who threw some pretty holes in the metal.
Holes that currently match the ones carved out in my heart.
I’m burying Levi today, and I’d take his verbal beating if I could just see his face and hear his voice one more time. Anything other than seeing his lifeless body laid out in front of me. His face completely at peace and his massive body perfectly still.
Gone .
I debated having a closed casket again, but I also wanted to say goodbye and look at his face when I did. Maybe reality will set in.
Perhaps it’ll make it worse.
My fingers curl over the door of Levi’s car as the looming deadline of getting to the cemetery eats me alive.
I don’t want to do this.
I can’t do this.
I failed you. Matteo is still alive.
Tears burn the backs of my eyes as I clench them shut and drop my head. I can feel a wrecked sob working its way up my throat, but it’s probably better for it to happen now rather than later. I don’t want to be an absolute wreck in front of Mae and Ellie.
I don’t wish for them to see me destroyed beyond repair.
Thinking I can’t get over this.
Thinking I’m never going to.
I’m a broken shell of words never said, things that will never be, and memories that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
Another funeral.
Two in one year.
Two men who have been my entire world.
Placing a hand on my stomach, I know I’ll feel nothing there, but I wish for some comfort all the same.
Levi.
If I keep the baby, and it’s a boy…I’m naming them Levi.
My jaw aches as I fight back a whimper I know will turn into something more. I’m beyond grateful Cairo and Ozzy gave me the space I needed today—even though it didn’t look like they wanted to. I’m assuming, since The Nameless have been accompanying me, they were comfortable enough with me going to the garage to grab Levi’s car.
Now, I just need to get myself together and handle today.
Slowly, I focus on only my breathing, but air evades me. It won’t allow me some small amount of ease amongst the chaos coursing through my body. I have no choice but to operate without my pillar and best friend.
Without Dad.
I’m not sure how I’m going to do this.
I fucking need him.
I’m never going to look into those green eyes again and tell him how sorry I am. That I love him to the moon and back, and nothing will ever change that for me. No one in this world will make up for him in my head.
“I swear to God, if I knew you were gonna fuck up my car, I wouldn’t have faked my own death.”
My eyes fly open at the deep voice that just rumbled through the air before I jolt, causing all the hair on my body to stand on end.
A forewarning shiver shoots up the base of my spine as I strain to hear the voice again.
Silence.
You’ve officially lost your shit.
You are imagining him, and he’s not here.
If this was any indicator I’m not okay…now I’m hearing his voice. I’ve wished for it over a million times in the last few days but to actually conjure it up…
Cautiously, I begin to turn on my heel. The edges of the garage and tool benches come into familiar view but not him.
Not the man I’ve been losing my entire mind over.
Not the King of South Shore standing there, clear as day, in dark blue jeans and a blue flannel shirt stretching over those broad shoulders and hard chest.
His black ink is exactly where it was before. He has a longer layer of dark stubble along his jaw. His pierced eyebrow and those penetrating light green eyes stare back at me with a slight cocky smirk.
“Hey, Astor.”
My feet unsteadily move toward him, my heart plummeting as I amble forward.
Relief, that’s the first emotion—if this is real.
The second is confusion. How a human brain can imagine such a clear picture of someone in their vision if it’s not supposed to be there.
“Levi?”
His name is barely audible to my own ears as he continues to stand there.
He doesn’t disappear.
He doesn’t move.
The sunlight from outside casts him in a heavenly glow as I approach closer. His gaze follows me, never veering to his precious Malibu I’ve used as a battering ram.
It’s all on me.
Every inch of it.
I study the edge of his sharp jaw. The pale pink color of his lips.
This can’t be real.
And he must sense every bit of denial racing through my head because his mouth quirks higher, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“Miss me?”
My hand flies across his face so hard my palm instantly numbs and it doesn’t form a look of shock over Levi’s face, which scares the living shit out of me.
Because that’s what he is.
Fucking alive .
I feel the rough texture of his facial hair rub against my skin. I feel the stinging pain radiating through my hand.
And it confirms the fact with quickness as Levi’s inked fingers wrap tightly around my wrist to stop me from doing it again.
“You’re an asshole,” he deadpans, and that’s when I suddenly break down.
Full-blown sob, choking, gut-wrenching whimpering as my legs give out from underneath me, and Levi’s arm suddenly wraps around my waist.
My cheek is pulled gingerly into his warm chest as I cry uncontrollably and unabashedly.
I want to stay here for the rest of my life.
I never want to wake up if this is a dream.
“C’mon,” he mutters, his deep tone rumbling against my eardrum, sending a comfort through my body I haven’t had in days. “Don’t cry, Astor.”
I can’t.
Gripping the soft fabric of his tee, I feel the cotton material underneath my fingertips, so I squeeze harder. My brain can’t fully comprehend how this is even real. How this is even happening.
“Why?”
It’s all I can get out. It’s all I want to know right now.
I was slowly dying inside. Each breath without him felt like a betrayal. I felt as though I was on borrowed time, and I wanted to hand it back so I could be with or see him again.
“I didn’t want to. We have unfinished business, you and I.”
Prying my eyes open, I reach around my head for his hand and lace my fingers with his. Still holding on to those greens I want to die looking into when it’s my time to go. “I’ve been losing my mind without you. You don’t understand.”
“I know.” His face is soft and gentle against all the black features illuminating his face. I silently wait for him to start chiding me for everything I’ve done, but it never comes. He just regards me as if he’s been waiting to see me again, too. “Not even death can keep me away from you, Astor,” he mutters, sending a soothing and radiating chill down my spine. “There’s still so much more I want to do with you.”
My lips part to say something, but no words come out.
I’m beyond them at this point.
Everything I needed, it’s right here. All muscle and ink, South Shore, through and through. My best friend and the first man I loved—besides Dad—standing in front of me.
It’s when the invisible gray line fades between us.
Best friend and ride-or-die. The relationship we’ve always had and the relationship that never formed.
Rising on my tiptoes, Levi already knows where this is going, and he meets me halfway in a crazed kiss that sends a shrill of lust coursing throughout my body.
I’m swept up in his meaty arms within the next second. My thighs wrap tightly around his waist, earning a grunt from his throat before his tongue demands entrance and drowns me in all the different shades of affection I hold for him.
The ones I’d known before he hit puberty and his voice got deeper. When girls at school would flock around him like he was hot shit because he was.
Except it didn’t change him and what we were.
Levi and I have always been the constant. It didn’t matter what the other one did, the other was riding it out whether they wanted to or not.
It wasn’t a choice.
We had to do it.
Our souls were linked a long time ago. Heaven, Earth, and now, even death, couldn’t keep us apart.
It’s like he and I can’t be separated because it would ruin the world.
My stomach somersaults in all directions. Knocking into each other and laying the groundwork of some meaning I don’t think I’m fully gripping.
The full prospect of what I’ve denied and never dared to fully navigate.
My ass is mercilessly plopped onto his trunk as Levi forces my legs to widen so his body fits between them.
His teeth graze my bottom lip, coaxing a small moan to leave my throat as he swallows it and grips my hips with both hands to keep me grounded.
My tongue battles with his, never giving up on how he tastes and that he’s here . That he’s always been mine, no matter the scenario.
I allow my fingers to latch onto the waistband of his jeans, brushing the pad of my thumb along that singular button that would give me access to his cock. Levi almost does the same thing, but his dip past the waistline of my leggings and straight to grabbing a handful of my ass in return.
My pulse spikes at the feeling of his rough flesh against mine. His digits spread my cheeks apart while Levi pulls me forward, lining himself up so it’d be so easy to lose our clothes and get right to it.
Shoving my nerves away, I begin unbuckling his jeans, prompting Levi to shove my leggings down my ass as he impatiently yanks at the material to peel from my legs.
Then he shoves the lacy material of my black panties to the side and slowly runs his knuckle down my soaking wet slit.
An animalistic growl rumbles from his throat, and I can’t help but return the favor. Through his boxers, I rub down his length, earning a small shiver from Levi’s body, and he retaliates by slowly sliding a thick finger inside me.
I hum in instant approval against his lips, freeing his cock from the confines of his boxers, and holy fuck balls and everything holy on this earth.
His warm skin against my palm isn’t the only thing that has me in awe, but the girth held in my palm. I’m barely able to register how big he is when Levi begins pumping into me, inserting another digit into my cunt, and working me into another tight frenzy.
Our lips part, mainly because I’m trying to breathe properly, but Levi chases them, demanding my body in every which way. His free hand runs up the column of my neck, tipping my chin just to shove his tongue deeper.
Just like his fingers.
Just like being in my life.
But just like that, they’re gone, and I feel Levi’s hand brush up against mine to retrieve his cock.
The tip is guided to my entrance, and I’m immediately frozen on bated breath as our foreheads touch, and neither of us moves.
We’re doing this.
I’m not going backward.
Levi must sense my ease and that I’m not going to stop this because he’s suddenly thrusting inside me, and I gasp while he stretches me to fit him.
Each inhale I attempt is pounded out of me with each one of Levi’s violent pumps. He doesn’t take it easy on me. He fucks my cunt like he’s waited his whole damn life to be inside it, and I widen my thighs to welcome him in.
Falling back to one of my palms, I watch Levi’s massive frame enter me over and over again.
It’s not gentle.
It’s not sweet.
It’s ravenous and hard, impatient and deprived.
His light green eyes are darker now, filled with hunger. I’m sucked into them, never wanting to stray or forget this. To keep it locked in my head that it’s real, and he’s here.
Levi leans forward, wrapping his palm around my head and fisting a handful of hair. Then he yanks hard, and I clench my teeth from the pain radiating there.
“I outta smack this ass for keeping this away from me for so long,” he grinds out, brow furrowed in equal parts irritation and desire. “You own me, Bay. Why the hell didn’t you just take me?”
Fear.
The idea that it was all in my head and wasn’t going to be fully reciprocated.
My naked ass cheeks stick to the glossy paint of his Malibu, rubbing mercilessly against the trunk and slightly burning my flesh, but I don’t stop him.
I want more.
I prop my heels on the back of the bumper, fisting his shirt to pull him closer and watch him faithfully follow. “I’m right here. Please…don’t ever leave me again.”
Levi’s fingers tug on my hair a bit more, forcing my chin upward and giving him access to my throat. “Not even in my wildest dreams, Astor. Now…” His green eyes darken with something foreign, and goosebumps line every inch of my body. “Give me this pussy, and come all over my dick so you can finally own the damn thing.”
Fuck.
His lips slam into mine once again, pacing with how hard he’s entering me, and I take his thrusts like the little champ I am. His palms rise up my ribs, and I slightly shiver under his touch.
Levi is relentless, as though he’s running a marathon. I ache between my legs, my gut flipping into the abyss that lies right over my orgasm. His hand replaces mine, thumbing at my throbbing clit and taking his sweet time with it.
I’d greedily ask for more, but he’s got the tempo of it right. Contrasting with each plunge between my legs, it only peaks my release as he stretches me to fit over and over again.
My lips part, wanting his mouth again, but he doesn’t give me what I want, only to watch him enjoy taking me for his own.
I can’t say it’s not equally as amazing or insane.
Levi runs the pads of most of his fingers down my clit this time, leaving no inch untouched, and I cry out, eyes clenching shut when Levi’s hand on my face squeezes lightly.
“Let me see, Astor,” he commands. “I want to see you fall apart around me.”
Following his order, our gazes collide, and I don’t know what he sees exactly, but it’s not long before he’s grunting and pulsing inside me. His mouth collides with mine again, and I see a plethora of stars.
Of only him.
Levi cups my face gently, driving me back into a state of euphoria with him when I touch his side and immediately feel something warm and liquid on his shirt.
“Levi, you’re bleeding .”
He breaks the kiss, glancing down to where my palm just was looking undeterred. “It’s alright.”
It’s not alright.
None of this is alright.
“Why did you do this to me?” I whisper. “Where did you go? How badly were you hurt?”
“I’m alright,” he reiterates before glancing back up at me. And the look he portrays makes it seem like it’s just as painful to speak. “And I promise, I’ll explain everything later?—”
“You shouldn’t have done that,” I lightly chide. “Did you rip a stitch?”
Levi flinches as he shifts his weight. “I’ve been waiting to see you for days, Astor. I wasn’t going to think about gunshot wounds while you were kissing me like you’ve been thinking about it for years.”
“Lev, you’re bleeding. Gushing, actually.” I begin to slide off the trunk of the Malibu. “We need to get you to the doctor?—”
“Astor…” He palms either side of my thighs. “I’m not going to die again. I’ve already done that.”
I immediately frown. “What does that mean? Like, for real, for real?”
“I need you to do something for me. We don’t have a lot of time.”
“Answer that question first,” I hedge, feeling my stomach coil tightly. “You didn’t—you’re fine, right?”
“I’m standing here, aren’t I?”
“Were you…” I can’t even manage the words. He’s here, but I can’t think that what Rod said was true. That he left and now he’s back.
Levi sighs. “Astor, I will answer all your questions, but you’re going to be late.”
“For what?”
“My funeral,” he replies flatly as he reaches up to cup one side of my face. “I’m still dead.”