Chapter 24 #2
She doesn’t respond right away, and I set my phone down, crossing to my window.
The backyard is in full fall mode, our small square of grass littered with red and golden leaves from the maple tree that shades it.
As I watch, a squirrel hops across the lawn to the base of the trunk and starts digging.
Probably burying food before winter, so it has something to sustain it when the months get darker and acorns get harder to find.
Do squirrels really eat acorns? I pull out my phone to look it up, but a text from Anna is waiting.
OMG THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE, she says.
It does?
She sends me five links in rapid succession, and I watch the videos one by one. I saved these when I was trying to figure out my brain a few years ago, she says. I don’t have OCD but... I was kinda just looking everything up at that time hoping something would jump out.
The videos are relatable. Too relatable.
One is from a creator I’ve seen on my feed before, a therapist who also has OCD.
I’d never watched one of her videos, always scrolling away in search of something funny, or something about books, or queer history, something I was interested in.
Mental health wasn’t one of those things.
Besides Anna telling me I had anxiety, I mostly tried to avoid thinking about my mental state at all.
But the therapist is talking about suicidal OCD, and, hey. That’s me.
Now I know.
“I don’t want to die,” I say quietly into the room. I know it to be true, the same way I know I love our cats, and Shar, and my mom, and my friends.
And Dad.
I do love Dad. I just don’t know what my other feelings about him are.
Are you going to tell Jayden and Makayla? Anna asks.
I stare at her text. I want to. But not over the phone. Yeah, I wanna do it in person, though.
We could all hang out after school this week, she says. I know you’re taking the week off. But you could meet us at whoevers house. Or we could come over there.
After a long moment, I reply. That sounds really nice.
When they knock the next afternoon, though, I almost don’t let them in. The movies play immediately, filling my head with all the ways this could go wrong, and I stand immobile in front of the door, one hand on the knob.
They knock again, and I take a deep breath, opening the door.
“Sidney!” I stagger back a few steps as Jayden crashes into me, his arms wrapping firmly around my shoulders.
“Hi?” I lift one hand, patting his back. He squeezes tightly and then lets go, stepping back, eyes bright.
“I missed you,” he says solemnly.
“Really?” I say, before I can stop myself. God, I sound insecure.
“Yes, really, you dork,” he says, sliding past me. Makayla follows him with another hug at the ready, and I relax into their arms, hugging them back.
“It’s nice to see you,” they murmur into my ear, and this time I keep the insecure thoughts inside and just hug them tighter. Anna smiles at me over their shoulder, a plastic grocery bag in her hands.
“What’s that?” I say once we’re all inside.
“Hair dye!” she says, holding the bag up. “I thought we could dip dye my ends while you fill these two in.”
“Anna’s been very mysterious,” Makayla says from the floor, where she’s petting a purring Brekky. “She said you were going through it, but that we shouldn’t worry, so I’ve been doing my best. But I want to know what’s going on. If you want to tell us.” She looks up at me.
“I do,” I say, and I mean it. I want them to know. And it’s not really fair to expect Anna to be the only one who does.
“Good,” Jayden says. “I’m hungry. Can we order pizza?”
We all chorus a yes and Anna pulls out her phone to place the order. With that done, we head back to the bathroom, Jayden dragging one of the kitchen chairs after us.
Somehow we all squeeze in together, with me perched on the toilet, Jayden across from me on the bathtub’s edge, and Anna seated on the chair, head tipped back so her hair hangs into the sink.
Makayla’s been appointed the hair dyeing wizard for the day, so they stand next to Anna, setting the box dye on the sink and pulling Anna’s protective cape out of her backpack.
“You’re such a pro, Anna,” I say as Makayla encloses her in the black fabric.
“Well, when you dye your hair as often as I do, it makes sense to invest,” she says.
Her hair is its natural dark blond right now, the dye from her last at-home job—a bright teal—all faded out.
Makayla rips open the box and pulls out the dye, the gloves, and the applicator.
As they get to work brushing color onto the ends of Anna’s hair, I take a deep breath.
Jayden reaches out and sets a hand on my knee, and the warmth anchors me.
These are my friends. They care about me.
I let the warmth fill my body, and for the fourth time in the past few days, I explain everything that has been going on.
They listen, murmuring at the right places, Jayden squeezing my knee now and then.
I see Makayla’s eyebrows fly up when I describe catching feelings for Forrest, but she doesn’t say anything, just keeps working on Anna’s hair.
I don’t look at Jayden; if he really does have a crush on Alexander, I don’t even know what to expect from his reaction.
“So yeah,” I say finally. “I have OCD, I guess. And I fucked everything up with Forrest and everyone is going to vote for him this Friday, which is fine, because I can never go back to Queer Alliance anyway.”
They’re all quiet for a moment, the silence broken only by the soft sound of the applicator turning the bottom three inches of Anna’s hair a bright magenta.
Makayla finishes the last strands and washes the applicator under the faucet, the dye swirling around the white porcelain bowl and down the drain.
“I’m so sorry,” Jayden says finally, squeezing my leg.
“Thanks,” I mumble. Maybe this was too much. Maybe it’s too heavy, too weird, too—
“Sidney, we love you so much,” Makayla says, sitting beside Jayden. “I’d give you a hug or something, but . . .” They hold up their gloved hands, covered in dye, and I smile a little.
“I know it’s a lot,” I say.
“Nope,” Makayla says immediately, at the same time as Jayden.
“Jinx!” he crows, pointing at her, then shrinks back as she pretends to grab him with her dye-covered hands.
“Anyway,” she says, grinning at me. “I just want to be there for you, you know? I think I can safely say we all do.”
Jayden and Anna murmur their agreement, and I nod, tears filling my eyes. Jayden leans over and hugs me, and I hug him back.
“For what it’s worth, I don’t think you fucked things up with Forrest,” he says. “My inside sources tell me he’s been talking about you all week. He’s super worried about you. And confused. And upset. But mostly worried.”
“Your inside source wouldn’t happen to be named Alexander, would he?” Anna says dryly.
I pull away and sit up in time to see Jayden blush. “Yeah, about that . . .”
“You have a crush on Alexander!” Makayla shrieks.
“How did you know?!” Jayden shrieks back.
“Dude.” Anna rolls her eyes. “You are not subtle. The sudden interest in breakdancing? The heart eyes whenever he walks by?”
“The nightly FaceTimes?” Makayla arches her eyebrows.
“Uggghhhhhhhhhhh.” Jayden drags his hands down his face. “OK. Yes. I have a giant crush on him. And . . .” He freezes, a sneaky smile curling his lips. “He likes me too!”
Makayla and Anna scream so loud that I flinch and start laughing, and then we’re all laughing.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” I poke his arm.
“Well . . .” He shifts, making a face. “You hated his bestie. Or I thought you did. And then it seemed like y’all were maybe cool, but I don’t know, things were so peaceful and I didn’t want to mess it all up.”
“I’m really sorry,” I say quietly. It makes me sad to know my problems with Forrest kept Jayden from pursuing someone he liked.
At the same time, it’s nice that he cared enough about how I felt to not pursue it.
And then I feel selfish for thinking that.
The emotions swirl inside me, and I follow them down—
“Hey.” Jayden shakes my arm. “It all worked out. And now we can double-date.”
“I don’t know,” I say. “Like, that would be so cool, but . . . I acted all weird the last time Forrest and I talked. I told him I couldn’t be with him like that, and I was so awkward—”
“So talk to him and explain,” Jayden says. “I really think it will work out. And even if you don’t end up dating, maybe you can salvage the friendship.”
“I don’t know.” I stare at the floor.
“I don’t think you have to leave Queer Alliance forever,” Anna says gently.
“And I don’t think everyone is going to automatically reelect Forrest. You’ve done a really good job, and everyone likes you.
People in the club have been asking us about you all week.
Maybe you could come back for the meeting on Friday? ”
I chew on my bottom lip, thinking. Maybe Anna is right, but maybe she’s biased because she’s my friend. I don’t know if I can take one more thing going wrong. Although, at this point, QA is probably better off if I’m not in charge.
“I’ll think about it,” I say.
Jayden nudges my foot with his. “If you do decide to go, you won’t be doing it alone. We’ve got you.”