14. MATT
14
MATT
A second before Lucie falls, I know it’s going to happen, almost as if my paranoia willed it to occur. I freeze as her tiny body plummets into the river below.
On the bridge above, Gemma’s mouth is open, poised in an Edvard Munch style scream I can’t hear over the cheering crowd. But the applause quietens, like the red sea parting for Gemma’s shrill and panicked screeching.
The sound propels me to action. How much time did I lose glancing at Gemma? A second? Two?
Gemma’s hysterical cries continue to tear through the air, but I don’t give a shit about her. I tear off my jacket and dive in the water.
It’s cold; shockingly so. It spears my skin all over like a thousand tiny paper cuts. I thrash forward, not caring about anything but Lucie. My clothes are heavy and the water is deep. Nearing the middle of the river I can’t touch the bottom.
Lucie can’t swim without her armbands.
My pulse pounds in my ears. I’m nothing but water and heartbeat. There’s no space for thought. My body’s acting like it’s been pre-programmed to do exactly this.
I can’t even see Lucie’s pink dress beneath the water. Fuck .
I dive under, but I still can’t see anything. Not at first.
I can’t hold my breath long enough. I come back up, gasp for air and dive down again.
This time I see a flash of red. Or is it pink? I swim fast towards it. One stroke, two strokes. Then I touch something solid. Human. There’s a fumbling of limbs. A hand that feels too large to be Lucie’s.
Then my daughter’s body is pushed into my arms, tiny and limp, and I drag her up to the surface.
Someone surfaces behind me but I don’t stop to see who it is. I have no awareness of anyone or anything other than Lucie in my arms as I strive for the bank, hauling her up with me and lying her down on the mud.
She splutters almost immediately, coughing up water, and relief hits me like a drug. I sink to my knees beside her, coaxing her onto her side.
She lurches, gasping for breath, spluttering, coughing, and I sit with her, holding her. She’s breathing. She’s breathing…
She’s all right.
She’s bedraggled, her hair hanging in wet strands. Her little body begins to shake and I take her in my arms, clasping her tight to me.
“Daddy,” she chokes out before she bursts into tears.
I stand, Lucie in my arms, only now realising there’s someone beside me. Two people. Charlie and Aries. Both of them are drenched, and covered in mud. Aries looks like she’s about to cry, and Charlie’s blowing out breaths, his chest heaving, like swimming in the river was far more intense than the rowing he was doing moments before. His top and shorts are clinging tight to his frame; he’s skinnier than I remember.
“Is she all right?” Aries says, one hand covering her mouth, fingers trembling.
Lucie sobs loudly against my shoulder.
“I told you to stay with her,” I grit out. I’m so fucking furious, I could explode. “I told you—”
“I’m so sorry.”
“It was your one fucking job today.” My voice is barely controlled, breaking into pieces, and Aries winces at the expletive. Lucie clings tighter to me, and Charlie’s eyes widen.
“She was with her mum…” Aries says, but the excuse is wafer thin and her words crumble away.
I’m about to launch into a barrage of attacks about Gemma when the woman herself rushes towards us. We’re on the quiet side of the river, but people are streaming towards us as they cross the bridge.
“My baby,” Gemma wails, reaching for Lucie.
There’s a crowd of people directly behind her, so I can’t lambast the woman in front of everyone. Or can I?
As Gemma gets closer, I tighten my grip on Lucie. “What the fuck were you doing?” I keep my voice just low enough that only the group of us can hear.
Gemma stops, her arms falling to her sides. “It was an accident, Matthew.”
“That wasn’t an accident. That was neglect. Christ, Gemma. Can’t you keep your fucking eyes on your kids for more than five minutes? What were you doing up there? Fucking posing so everyone could see you being a ‘good mother’? Fuck’s sake.”
Gemma inhales sharply, her chest popping up. “How can you say such a thing? I’m not the one who was never home when the kids were in—”
“Don’t throw that shit at me now.” My words are so cold that for a second everyone freezes, and then Lucie wails in my arms. At first I think it’s tears, but then I realise she’s crying out a name. Ariel .
Aries steps up to me, ready to take Lucie. Part of me wants to keep hold of my daughter, to prove I’m the one she needs and to punish Aries for disobeying me, but Lucie is already reaching out to her with both hands, twisting herself out of my grip. I let Aries take her from me.
“Ariel?” Gemma says, looking Aries up and down, disdain distorting her face as she takes in how Aries’ skirt clings to her curves, outlining every inch of her hips and thighs. Lucie, cradled in Aries’ arms, shies away from the inspection, nuzzling into her chest, but Gemma doesn’t notice. “Is that why you jumped in the river? Because you’re a mermaid?” She laughs, but Aries faces her off with a stone-cold glare, then turns to look at me.
“I’ll take Lucie to the car. I’m going to take her home. You can come with us, or stay and we’ll see you later.”
Without waiting for me to give a verdict on her plan, Aries presses through the gathered onlookers, heading back towards the car, Lucie’s tiny form cocooned in her arms.
Charlie stares at me and his mother, his gaze wary as though he really doesn’t want to be here with either of us.
“Thank you.” I lay a hand on his shoulder. “For trying to help. But you'll have forfeited the race by diving off the boat.”
Charlie shrugs, forcing my hand off him at the same time his jaw tightens. “I wasn’t going to keep rowing when Lucie was in the river.”
“The boys won’t like that,” Gemma snaps, and I know immediately she means Mark Charlton’s sons, Ben and Hugo.
“Why do you even care what they think?” I fire back. “Your daughter nearly drowned.”
“She was perfectly fine,” Gemma states as though she wasn’t panicking and screaming like a banshee only minutes ago. “I knew you’d get her out.” She drags her gaze up my wet body. My suit is clinging in all the wrong places, and the way she’s staring increases the discomfort. “You’re a mess. You should go home with your nanny. No doubt that’s where you want to be anyway.”
The last sentence sounds so dismissive that I’m immediately riled. “I will.” I pick my jacket off the grass where I left it—now my only dry piece of clothing—and put my hand on Charlie’s arm. “Come with me.”
He glances at his mother as if unsure for a moment, but then nods and together we walk after Aries and Lucie.
People part to let us through, and it’s only now, as we head for the crowded bridge, that I realise most of the people gathered on the other side of the water are watching us too.
What a fucking spectacle. At least Lucie’s all right. That’s all that matters. But she didn’t want me. She wanted Aries. I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t sting. It does. My own daughter didn’t want me to hold her, even when I was the one who pulled her out of the river.
I know I should be thankful to have a nanny she likes enough to cry out for, but it makes me wonder if I’m failing as a parent. Am I the same as Gemma? Both of us, just as bad… neither one wanted in the moment of our daughter’s distress? But then Gemma’s right too… in Lucie’s short life, I’ve been more absent than not.
I’m so possessed by the guilt coursing through me that I barely notice anything around me. Charlie’s by my side, but we don’t talk. I know he’ll be upset about forfeiting the boat race, and his team won’t be happy either. He’s one of the youngest rowers on the team, and to get a place was a real achievement. One I’m not sure I’ve ever acknowledged. To throw it all up for his little sister was brave, in more ways than one. I’m so proud of the kid, but I don’t know how to tell him.
“Are you really going home with the nanny now?” he asks once we clear the bridge.
“Yes.”
“Aren’t you staying for the speeches?”
Shit . Speech Day isn’t even over yet. There’s the whole speeches and prize-giving affair in the main hall to endure. I stop walking and face him, holding my hands up. “I’m covered in river water. I smell like a stagnant pool of crap.”
“You can shower in my room. I can lend you something to wear,” he says, and I can see in his face how much he wants me to stay. A shower does sound good, but I’m not sure I’ll fit into any of Charlie’s clothes. He’s tall and lean, whereas I’m broad. “I have a spare school uniform.” He gives me a cautious smile, and I laugh, and the strange tension between us lifts a fraction. I want to be the father he needs, but I’m torn. Lucie’s had a shock today, and to abandon her doesn’t feel right.
“Are you up for any prizes?” I ask.
A brief flicker of disappointment crosses Charlie’s face. “No.”
I sigh with tormented relief. If I leave now, at least I won’t be missing Charlie on stage. “I should go home. Check on Lucie.”
Charlie’s cheeks redden, and his eyes flash with anger. “It’s all about the fucking prizes, isn’t it? There’s no point staying if I’m not winning anything.”
“No. That’s not it at all. Lucie fell in the river.”
“She’s got the nanny.”
“And you’ve got your mum,” I say, my tone harsher than I intended. Charlie’s face hardens, and I try to soften my voice, but the register barely shifts, and I still sound angry as I add, “If circumstances were different, I would stay. But today, I can't. I'm sorry. I’ll send the car for you at the end of term. We’ll have the whole holiday together.”
“Fuck that.”
“Watch your language.”
A muscle pops in his jaw like he’s clenching his teeth, and his nostrils lightly flare. “I really hope that new nanny is nice, because I’d prefer to spend time with her than with you. Looks like Lucie would too.”
The dig knocks the breath from my lungs. He spins and marches towards his boarding house. I’m not having that. I chase after him, grab his shoulder, and force him to face me.
“Don’t you dare walk away from me.” His eyes are full of rage that makes heat burst in my chest, my own anger simmering right beneath the surface. My voice is strained with the effort of holding it in. “The weed.”
Charlie scowls. “What?”
“The weed in your sock drawer. Was it yours?”
“Would you believe me if I said no?”
There’s a right answer here, but my mind is too befuddled to work it out. Too flooded with thoughts, concerns, and amidst them all, like the sinister slither of a python, a writhing coil of panic.
Your son is a wreck.
Charlie is a blur before me as my focus shifts inward. Would I believe him? Wouldn’t I have sought out something to help when I was his age? Didn’t I do exactly that? Smoking joints on the back roof with Nico, the asphalt scratching the back of our bare legs, the soles of our feet, while Dad fucked the housekeeper. The babysitter. The nanny. And Mum sat inside, drinking vodka and staring into the mid-distance like nothing fucking mattered anymore.
“I knew it,” Charlie says, his voice a cold snap before he turns and paces away from me.
This time, I don’t try and stop him.